Controlling boyfriend

[Megs123456789]

Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and a bit now and for the first year weary thing was going fine until he started to change. It used to be small things like 'you don't love me' and when I didn't text back quickly he sent question marks continuously until I answered. I started having to keep my phone on me all the time to answer him straight away! Then it started to get worse he used to have a go at me for being with my friends and accusing me of being with boys, when he knows I wasn't. He just got more and more paranoid by each day. Also he used to say 'can I go on your phone' then I say 'why' he says 'you obviously have something to hide' and I say 'no I just don't want you to go on my phone' and he says 'you're obviously texting all the boys if you're not letting me go on your phone'. And everytime I used to invite him over to mine he always made an excuse or say 'he forgot'  when he was just to scared to come. And everytime he invited me to his house I used to go each time and some times I said I was busy and couldn't come he used to say 'you're obviously to busy to forget me' or 'my mum and dad won't be happy' or 'you'll regret this' or 'I'm going forever'. And I always felt guilty so I has to go because he made me feel worse and worse the more he said it. And everytime I didn't meet him he would say 'I'm going forever' or 'I can't do this' or 'you'll regret this' or 'you're a silly little girl' or 'you're just going to meet all the boys. Also he would never let me have contact with other boys else I would get accused of cheating or that I don't love him. But even though I let him talk to girls which I can't really stop him because it's horrible. And my friends tell me to stop talking to him and not to get in contact with him, but it is hard considering we go the same school and my friends are in his lessons and I hate seeing them walking out with him because that makes me want to go back to him. As well as that he'll go round making up rumours and secrets about me like 'I'm really mean and controlling' or say harsh comments about me like I'm ugly or I'm a *****. I really need help to get me out of this situation I can't be dealing with it everyday anymore!

[Cheril252]

It sounds like you are young...this is what inexperience will do to you..you do not realize you have your whole life ahead of you and you do not need this person in  your life.  You just have to do it, break it off with him, dont become addicted to this person as thats what this sounds like, you are addicted to him. You probably think he will get better, but he wont, he will continue to abuse you.  Have respect for yourself and get rid of this guy.  The next guy you date look for the red flags..now you have experience with an abuser so if the next person exhibits this kind of behavior, you know not to continue the relationship.  Also form BOUNDARIES as to what he can and cannot do.  This guy has no boundaries cause you are still with him he knows he can walk all over you.  You LEAVING him is the answer. He cannot abuse you anymore once you leave.  Dont answer his phone calls or answer the door, seriously.  You need to move on from this monster.

[Nighthawk61]

I agree with everything that Anniebrooke has said, plus a little something else. You cannot accept this behavior, because that is called enabling. That means that you allow him to continue down this path (by not leaving and/or insisting that he get's therapeutic help). I hope you do break up with him, and not worry one little bit about what anyone thinks. If anyone believes his nonsense about you, they are naive, or simply not worth knowing. Most kids in high school do break up for these types of things. You'll not be doing anything out of the ordinary to simply move on at this point. Maybe you can suggest that he gets help, that you think he should, and could benefit. But, don't throw these good years out the window being tied down to someone so anxious and controlling. And mostly, DON'T ENABLE BAD BEHAVIOR. You'd not be serving him or yourself.

Best of luck, It won't be easy breaking up. So be extra specially good to yourself, and don't get into another relationship too soon. Take the time to digest what's happened with this relationship first

You've done the right thing reaching out and talking about this abuse. We're proud of you for doing so.

Liz

[AnnieBrooke]

Megs, have you ever read anything on emotional abuse?  Maybe it will help you stiffen your resolve to get away from this guy.  It can actually escalate into stalking and physical abuse, and it all begins exactly the way you are describing.  There is a national women's hotline here in the U.S., maybe there is also such a thing where you are, but in any event if you cannot find someone to talk to on the phone, google the topic of men abusing women or controlling behaviors, and you will find everything you are describing.  Men get away with that kind of stuff (and a lot worse) because they find a woman too passive or accepting or naive who doesn't know that she is not obliged to put up with his head games.  Please see what you can find on the topic and read it and take it seriously.  He is borderline not-normal, and you need out, for your own sanity and safety.