Controlling mother

My mother has always controlled my life in every way.
My husband and I got divorced but worked things out
and are more in love than ever.  Except one problem,
my mother.  She told me if I ever went back to him,
her door is shut to me forever.  She even is asking my
son if I am seeing him.   He is 21 years old.  I am 52 years
old and  my mother is 76 years old.  Why do I have to choose?
  My happiness or my mother?
Thank you, Vicki

[margypops]

Has to be your happiness, you must have had a reason for divorcing him so perhaps you can understand that moms are concerned for our familes, I am sure she means well.However it is your life and you must do what you think is best for you, explain to her that its you decision to go back to him, perhaps he has changed ,had some help if he needed it ,have a chat with her tell her how much you want to be with him that its your life ,.ask her  to see you are giving the relationship another chance . good luck  

[ConnieG]

Well first off.  I'm so happy to hear about you and your husband!!
I would like to think that she would change her mind after seeing how happy you two are together.  But if you had problems with him before and she knew of them (and she did because you got a divorce) then she is most likely concerned for you.  She may be trying to keep you from getting hurt.  Sometimes moms have the best of intentions but not so great of tactics.......So I would hope that in time she would learn to trust him again and see she has nothing to worry about :)
I would be upfront with her though.  If she's asking your kids if you're seeing him that means your not being completely honest with her.  If you see no problem dating then you aught to tell her that.  Let her in on the changes you guys have made and why you are so happy together now.  Maybe she will learn to trust more if you are more open with her.  Or at least it will get her off your back and your kids back.
GOOD LUCK :)

[Dazon50]

May I ask why your Mother has had such power over you for all these years?  When did you become aware of it and how did you handle it in the past?

Is she given to creating drama and becoming ill that you worry about her?  Was she widowed and took care of you by herself?

People have power over us for a reason.  Your Mother needs to know that your life and your decisions are yours to make, just like hers were her own.  Perhaps this is a cycle that has been going on for some generations?  

May I ask if your divorce with your husband had to do with the ongoing problems with your Mother? Was it hard for him to deal with?  None of us can tell you specifically what to do, but we can encourage you to find ways to let her know that your happiness is best when you can have her acceptance of your choices and her also.  What does she say and do that creates this problem?

I so hope you are able to work this out so you can be free to enjoy your relationships with those near and dear to you.  

[teko]

It sounds like your mother does not think this guy is good for you and will ultimately do you harm? It sounds like her words are expressing how strongly she feels about the situation and probably would not close the door to you but would to the guy?


You must make decisions about your life and let the chips fall where they may. Your mother may be right in her feelings about him, but you have to be the one to make that decision not her.

Tell your mother you love her but your life if yours to live and you alone will reap the benefits or consequences of your decisions, not her.

Leave the decision of the closed door in her hands. It is her choice. But you cannot allow this kind of control. It is called tough love.

[iam1butterfly]

My mom's a bit of a fascist, too... LOL!

Seriously, I don't think that you'll have to choose and I doubt that the "door is shut forever." If your mom's that controlling... believe me, she won't be able to stand the boredom of not meddling in your business (she's already pumping your 21 year old for information). Give her time... she'll come around, even as you mend things with your husband, as she'll sorely miss having someone to openly manipulate and criticize.

I say, call her bluff... and see how long that door stays shut!

[allmymarbles]

Choose happiness.

[kenneltech]

Why are you ALLOWING her to control you?  You are a big girl, an adult with a child of your own.  What you do in and with your life is none of her business.  If she chooses to "shut the door" if you see this man, then that's the less abuse you gotta deal with.

And stop telling her things about your life!  And tell your ADULT son to knock it off, too!  All of this is your business, not the world's.

[cheshchesh819]

you choose then ,if your mother gave you that choice and you choose your husband ,her loss,just go with your gut instinct.