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Did I do the right thing? Need some support....
by jewelscute1, Oct 14, 2009 09:42PM
I just need some support, here is my short story:
12 years ago, when I was in high school, I met my sweetheart. He was everything that I wanted in a man, yet I look back and it was for all the wrong reasons. But anyways, he started to abuse me early on. For the past 12 years, I have been on and off with this guy and have had 2 children (that I have raised with no financial or emotional support from him) but I have also had abortions because of (I am pro-choice and I am scared to death to go through another 9 months of pregnancy alone and raising babies/kids, etc - I did 2 already). But he has always been more worried about partying and breaking the law so this past 12 years, we have been off more than on. Cops have been involved so many times and so many times I refused to press charges again him. He is handsome, a master manipulator, etc. But from 02-06, we were separated and when he got out of prison in 06 and we tried again. Well it didn't work and ended up with him choking the **** out of me and making me go to another town with him. I didn't follow through with the charges, and he ended up running the streets for 2-3 years and went back to prison for a short stint. Fast forward, June of this year, he gets out, sweets talks me into bringing the kids to see him (a great manipulating stunt towards me b/c my kids are my life and I want nothing more than to have a family) but he came back home with me and I was stuck with him until about 2-3 weeks ago. It took the big 2 weeks before everything fell back into it's normal place. He was controlling me, abusing me (emotionally and physically) and the accusations were unbelievable. He is a narcissist, everything revolves around his world and I'm just a piece of property to him that works full time while he doesn't have to work. I was miserable and I'd start fights with him, always was walking on egg shells, etc. etc. He came into my life and totally wrecked havoc on it (bouncing checks, bill collectors, moving when I lived in my mothers house for almost free yet she wouldn't have him living there period - she is in another country, paying for everything except when he gets work under the table, he'll buy some things mostly beer, etc). But for 3 days in a row he put his hands on me, one Thursday night I fell asleep on the couch b/c I was tired from working and was always to scared to go to sleep without him (in fear of what he would do to me, waking me up in the middle of the night while he is/was drunk is/was his thing and what he was doing while I was in bed would scare me) but he woke me up that night by shaking my arms so hard, leaving horrible bruises. The next night, Friday night and Saturday night, he put his hands on me. I have blocked so much out that it was hard recalling the nights but one of those nights he choke slammed me over a coworker of mine and her black boyfriend (he is racist - yet probably has a biracial child) but he choked me so hard that blood vessels in my eyes popped. Then he promised not to drink again and Sunday he went to work and drank so much that he was falling over at 7pm, embarrassing my friend and his friend and me. But that Monday I went to the hospital and was fine with the hospital staff but the cop made me feel more of a problem rather than a victim so I left. Days later, he is arrested and I get a subpoena for court and don't show up. He gets out that same day of court (Friday) so I don't know if it would have mattered if I went, but he came home saying that he was getting indicted. Children services started coming over missing me because I work full time during the day. And then that same day (Friday) and the next few days I was getting notes on my door that Sheriff's were stopping by for me to testify in front of the grand jury. I was ignoring them. Well that following Tuesday, after all the promises not to drink, I had a long day at work and picked him up at a restaurant (this is a dude with no car and I'm bending and changing my schedule and ways to help him) but he has already told me 2 stories about his work day and was drinking. I was already upset, and pregnant so maybe that made me even more angry, but I could tell he had more beers than he said because of his words. But I stopped at the gas station on the way home and when I got back to the car, I swear he was buying beers because the clerk was sticking them in brown paper bags. So I left, then calmed down and called him (he had my phone - had to get my daughters at home) but he didn't care, was cussing me out. So I called the cops. They couldn't do anything about my phone but they gave me the subpoena. What can I say, I had a bad day, was tired, he was lying and drinking. I knew we'd end up fighting because how early he was drinking (drinking period - making excuses). But he ended up with a F2 Assault and F4 Felony Domestic Violence and he's on the run (again he has a habit of this). Now, I can't stop feeling guilty, feeling like I could have put up with more abuse. I know how crazy this sounds but when I'd fight with him, physical or emotional, I'd tell myself that I was doing society a favor by putting up with this at least he wasn't doing this to anyone else or victimizing anyone else. I kept him at home, confined so that he wouldn't break any laws and hurt any other girls. I am missing him terribly, it is like I forget the horrible times which were more than the good, and I have to keep reminding myself of how miserable I was. I feel like something is missing, yet why? My family hates his guts, and my friends... I know that if I'm with him, I'm going to be pounded to the ground (physically and emotionally - self esteem). I will be poor, struggling and I have fought to hard to not become a statistic - single parent, college education, full time career). It is like I have this uncontrollable mothering instinct that kicks in when he is involved. I just don't understand it. Did I do the right thing even though I've had a horrible experience letting people know this time around that I am a victim? Going to the hospital?
And it is like I'm stuck on a turn table of memories with him accusing me of cheating - in which I never would he is really the best I've had in bed but **** isn't worth the abuse. And the memories from just the length of time that we have been together, nobody else has those memories. It is just so hard. I am a good person and he doesn't know me, yet I know him and how truly gross he is, yet I am stuck on this merry-go-round of feelings. Why do I feel like I didn't do the right thing and I should have tried longer? Or that I gave up to easily when abuse is wrong, we all know that.... Help? and thank you for reading.... Talking about it and writing it out does help.
12 years ago, when I was in high school, I met my sweetheart. He was everything that I wanted in a man, yet I look back and it was for all the wrong reasons. But anyways, he started to abuse me early on. For the past 12 years, I have been on and off with this guy and have had 2 children (that I have raised with no financial or emotional support from him) but I have also had abortions because of (I am pro-choice and I am scared to death to go through another 9 months of pregnancy alone and raising babies/kids, etc - I did 2 already). But he has always been more worried about partying and breaking the law so this past 12 years, we have been off more than on. Cops have been involved so many times and so many times I refused to press charges again him. He is handsome, a master manipulator, etc. But from 02-06, we were separated and when he got out of prison in 06 and we tried again. Well it didn't work and ended up with him choking the **** out of me and making me go to another town with him. I didn't follow through with the charges, and he ended up running the streets for 2-3 years and went back to prison for a short stint. Fast forward, June of this year, he gets out, sweets talks me into bringing the kids to see him (a great manipulating stunt towards me b/c my kids are my life and I want nothing more than to have a family) but he came back home with me and I was stuck with him until about 2-3 weeks ago. It took the big 2 weeks before everything fell back into it's normal place. He was controlling me, abusing me (emotionally and physically) and the accusations were unbelievable. He is a narcissist, everything revolves around his world and I'm just a piece of property to him that works full time while he doesn't have to work. I was miserable and I'd start fights with him, always was walking on egg shells, etc. etc. He came into my life and totally wrecked havoc on it (bouncing checks, bill collectors, moving when I lived in my mothers house for almost free yet she wouldn't have him living there period - she is in another country, paying for everything except when he gets work under the table, he'll buy some things mostly beer, etc). But for 3 days in a row he put his hands on me, one Thursday night I fell asleep on the couch b/c I was tired from working and was always to scared to go to sleep without him (in fear of what he would do to me, waking me up in the middle of the night while he is/was drunk is/was his thing and what he was doing while I was in bed would scare me) but he woke me up that night by shaking my arms so hard, leaving horrible bruises. The next night, Friday night and Saturday night, he put his hands on me. I have blocked so much out that it was hard recalling the nights but one of those nights he choke slammed me over a coworker of mine and her black boyfriend (he is racist - yet probably has a biracial child) but he choked me so hard that blood vessels in my eyes popped. Then he promised not to drink again and Sunday he went to work and drank so much that he was falling over at 7pm, embarrassing my friend and his friend and me. But that Monday I went to the hospital and was fine with the hospital staff but the cop made me feel more of a problem rather than a victim so I left. Days later, he is arrested and I get a subpoena for court and don't show up. He gets out that same day of court (Friday) so I don't know if it would have mattered if I went, but he came home saying that he was getting indicted. Children services started coming over missing me because I work full time during the day. And then that same day (Friday) and the next few days I was getting notes on my door that Sheriff's were stopping by for me to testify in front of the grand jury. I was ignoring them. Well that following Tuesday, after all the promises not to drink, I had a long day at work and picked him up at a restaurant (this is a dude with no car and I'm bending and changing my schedule and ways to help him) but he has already told me 2 stories about his work day and was drinking. I was already upset, and pregnant so maybe that made me even more angry, but I could tell he had more beers than he said because of his words. But I stopped at the gas station on the way home and when I got back to the car, I swear he was buying beers because the clerk was sticking them in brown paper bags. So I left, then calmed down and called him (he had my phone - had to get my daughters at home) but he didn't care, was cussing me out. So I called the cops. They couldn't do anything about my phone but they gave me the subpoena. What can I say, I had a bad day, was tired, he was lying and drinking. I knew we'd end up fighting because how early he was drinking (drinking period - making excuses). But he ended up with a F2 Assault and F4 Felony Domestic Violence and he's on the run (again he has a habit of this). Now, I can't stop feeling guilty, feeling like I could have put up with more abuse. I know how crazy this sounds but when I'd fight with him, physical or emotional, I'd tell myself that I was doing society a favor by putting up with this at least he wasn't doing this to anyone else or victimizing anyone else. I kept him at home, confined so that he wouldn't break any laws and hurt any other girls. I am missing him terribly, it is like I forget the horrible times which were more than the good, and I have to keep reminding myself of how miserable I was. I feel like something is missing, yet why? My family hates his guts, and my friends... I know that if I'm with him, I'm going to be pounded to the ground (physically and emotionally - self esteem). I will be poor, struggling and I have fought to hard to not become a statistic - single parent, college education, full time career). It is like I have this uncontrollable mothering instinct that kicks in when he is involved. I just don't understand it. Did I do the right thing even though I've had a horrible experience letting people know this time around that I am a victim? Going to the hospital?
And it is like I'm stuck on a turn table of memories with him accusing me of cheating - in which I never would he is really the best I've had in bed but **** isn't worth the abuse. And the memories from just the length of time that we have been together, nobody else has those memories. It is just so hard. I am a good person and he doesn't know me, yet I know him and how truly gross he is, yet I am stuck on this merry-go-round of feelings. Why do I feel like I didn't do the right thing and I should have tried longer? Or that I gave up to easily when abuse is wrong, we all know that.... Help? and thank you for reading.... Talking about it and writing it out does help.
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Your guy is a criminal.
Why do you want to spend your life appeasing a criminal?
But you have to get away from him. Quit him cold turkey. Its the only way. Talk to a counselor or someone if you need to. And if you wont do it for yourself do it for your kids. They could very likely become the next targets of his abuse and if not they will see him do it to you and think its ok for someone to do it to them or for them to do it to someone else. you have to break the cycle.
I have just one question for you though. Did you finally realize what caused so many pregnancies? Why in the WORLD would you bring children into this mess!!!!!!!
Have you heard of birth control? I feel very, very sorry for your kids.
You need to recognize that there is a problem here. This man is a criminal, and very abusive. Finding a forum online to help your through this is a good first step. But, you need to surround yourself with friends, and a therapist if at all possible. Find a shelter or a friend or relative's house that you can stay with while as soon as you end this relationship. He will not like you ending the relationship and it will most likely turn violent if you do not have a safe haven. Once the relationship has ended, cut off all contact. Do what you have to in order to cut off contact. Because you have children, you will need to go through courts to have all contact between him and them cut off. This often consists of filing a restraining order and going through family court. If necessary, change your phone number, ignore emails and limit situations that will result in you unexpectedly coming into contact with your abuser.
Once you've protected yourself and your child it's important to heal the wound that results from the abusive relationship. While you can turn to family and friends to discuss the traumatic relationship, you might want to seek an alternative source. Search for a counselor that can help you work through your pain. You can also look for a support group that helps individuals get through abusive relationships. You will have to start all over. Get involved in activities that you enjoy such as exercising, going to church or participate in community outreach programs. Remember, ending an abusive relationship, having the strength to start over and successfully rebuilding your life will take time but in the end it's well worth it. Don't hesitate to call authorities if your abuser threatens you or stalks you. Take whatever legal action is necessary to protect yourself and your family.
my daughter was abused for many years brokrn nose arms black eyed he also mentally abused broken ribs you name it she lost her pride he was over a gang and told her if she tried to leave theyt would kill her the last time the hosp did not accept the excuse she was afraid to tell me ahe live 2500 miles away, and he told her if she ever told me he would see me dead, well i am made of sterner stuff i only wish that i could have had the chance to know she finally got away he died but she has been in so ,many group therapys and had panic attacks untill she almost lost her mind she would wake up screaming afraid he was going to kill her she is now in het 50 and i hope after years she can go foeward why do women wait so long have you read the paper where many abused mothers are killed every day what about the kids as for as abortiom i make no judgements a women must do what she feels is best but please there are shelters out there there is help and they will help it is just 1 phonecall away do not end up dead or wishing you were get out now there is help for you if you want it. also is this the way your children should grow up learning abuse leave now luck jo