Emotinonally and mentally abusive mother

[389sixpack]

My wife is emotionally abusive to our children. They are older now, but this has be ongoing for years and has escalated continuously.  I have always been there to act as a buffer, but I feel extremely guilty for allowing it to go on for so many years and not removing the kids from her via divorce.  My daughter is not speaking to her mother and looking for an apartment.  My middle son has gone overboard with drugs and now she kicked him out and my youngest is away at school with no desire to ever come home, well there is no home anymore, I'll say this house.  I need to do something for my kids for coping, and well, for myself to.  Her actions over the years have taken a toll on all of us. How do I help my kids? As for helping myself, I can see only one way out.  She refuses help. Tells us that it is the four of us that are f'd up and not her. I'm at a lost and we are all hurting. suggestions? Advice?

[389sixpack]

Yes, they are all 18 and over now. My kids are aware. I see divorce as the only way. I used to apologize to the kids and say it was her menopause, then apologize later saying it was her depression, but gave up apologizing years back because I couldn't find a reason. My youngest just turned 18. She has burnt her bridges with all of the kids(18, 20, 22yr old). Why I didn't leave sooner? Custody, hope that she may change, old fashion marriage concepts, I don't know - stupidity.  Thanks all for the comments.

[benjimom]

Sit down and talk with your kids about this situation. Also you need to get help for you.  You are probably codependent.  We become sick living w/individuals like this.  It's really tough.

[narla]

Leave!!!!!
My mother was just like this except she could be violent too,my dad was her buffer,but that doesn't stop the pain,I find it hard to even talk to my dad because of the things he allowed to happen,

Leave now!!!!
Apologise to your children and let them know you had no idea how to handle the situation.
I understand you probably felt if you left her earlier she may have got custody of the children but you don't have that to worry about now

So just leave!!!!

[boh0023]

my dad was the same way to me and my siblings always calling us horrible names and bringing us down i think sometimes it would've hurt less if he would've just hit me! And my mom was just there afterwards to tell us he didn't mean it or he's drunk which only made it worse! She should have stood up for us! My advice would be to first apologize to your kids while it won't take back or fix wut has already happened it'll be good for them my mom apologized to us (we're all over 18 now) and we're working on everything slowly and are you still with the women cuz if you are that just shows you side with her rather than your kids unfortunatly my dad killed himself before we could confront him on everything and the only reason we were gonna associate with my mom was because she was divorcing my dad otherwise we probably would've never talked to her

[AnnieBrooke]

Even at this late date, an in-depth and heartfelt talk with the kids, including telling them why you didn't take them and leave, and that you are SORRY, will help them now.  As RockRose says, getting her out of all of your lives even now, is better than never.

[RockRose]

You don't say how old your kids are,  but my guess is they are all legal adults?    

I don't know what to say,  except apologize to your children,  and get your wife out of your life,  so they can visit you in future years without her toxic influence.