Emotional Abuse - cutting ties AGAIN, struggling.

[mamagavin]

So glad I found this forum. My mother was extraordinarily emotionally abusive, verbally and sometimes physically though that was mostly in extreme alcoholic moments. The emotional abuse was always the worst and it took me years to believe I'm not a worthless inconvenience. She is bi-polar which helps make sense of some of it but certainly does not justify or lessen the impact in any way. She was an alcoholic for most of my younger childhood, until she was medicated for bi-polar and had to be hospitalized to deal with the alcoholism because she kept mixing the booze and drugs. Many people in our family/friends who have known her for years believe she sort of invented her mental illness. She once smashed herself in the ankle with a sledge hammer - but pretended she fell off a fence - so she didn't have to go to work for a while, that kind of thing. Obviously she has some screws loose but she seemed to read pamphlets, highlight things and then next thing you know, she'd start exhibiting the behaviors she had highlighted. Sure enough, before too long she was on full disability pension and hasn't worked a day since. The worst point was when she woke up her partner (my step mother) one night with a shotgun in her face planning a homicide/suicide. By the skin of her teeth my step mother talked her down, and my mother spent time in a forensic psychiatric unit. This happened the summer before my grade 12 year. So it's obvious I think that she was highly unstable and dangerous, and to say that I bore the brunt of it (except that night with my step mother) is an understatement.

Many years ago I started the gradual process of cutting her out of my life. It started with legally changing my last name to something I made up, that was around 2005. After about the 400th second chance I finally had enough and decided I was not going to have any contact. I was about 24 I think. It took me a while because my younger brother still lived with her and I didn't want to do anything to put him in danger, although she seemed to rely on him so much that she didn't dare risk doing something that would have him removed or leave when he was old enough. I didn't have any contact with her for years, until my brother passed away in 2007. I was living in Australia at the time, and contacted her because she had basically abandoned my brother (he was 17 at the time but she left him in the trailer she owned with extreme debt on the utility bills etc and just vanished) so no one knew how to reach her when he passed. I told her I would be back in Canada in four days and in our home town (where my brother lived) in six days. She had him cremated, held a service and took off with his ashes on the fourth day, so I was not ever given the opportunity to see him/say my goodbyes. She also held a service where most of our relatives lived, without me present, thus not giving me the opportunity to grieve with family - family she hadn't see in years, I should add. So after all of this, I obviously did not have contact with her again, until last week when one of my uncles suddenly suffered a ruptured brain aneurysm and passed away. We ended up being at the hospital together, and I had my toddler with me who I had never planned for her to meet. I wasn't going to be cruel and hug everyone else and not her, or not talk to her. I know what it feels like to lose a brother and this situation wasn't about us.

Recently she had been reaching out with email trying to get in touch with me. I have always ignored these attempts because even after so many years of 'dealing with her' I still struggle sometimes to not let her manipulate me. Since seeing her at the hospital/the next day, she has been acting as if this door has been opened and I'm game to have a relationship. Fair enough, I haven't said otherwise, yet. I know that I need to just rip that bandaid off swiftly but because I am a naturally very driven to empathy etc, I can't help thinking that well, she might not be that same awful person that she used to be, and maybe this is going to cause her real pain, and I really really struggle with that. For me to intentionally cause a person pain, regardless of the reason, is a really tough thing.

So I guess why I'm posting here is this: I have written my concise "I don't want to go there" note. But I just can't seem to send the damn thing. Please, please kick me in the *** and remind me why it's important.

[klg2000]

I think that if you reread what you've just written here, you will find all the reminder you need.

[allmymarbles]

I was in much the same situation and cut my mother out of my life without regret or guilt. I felt that nastiness and viciousness were contagious so I stayed away so as not to become infected. But more important than me, were my children. I wanted their sweetness and trust preserved. Some of siblings was not so careful and you can see some aspects of my mother's sick traits in them.

[Nighthawk61]

i'm not going to reiterate all of the reasons why not... again, because I think that you need to think less of these things and get on with your own life.

The fact is that this woman has done nothing different to deserve to be a part of your family. You have a child to protect. Maybe there are things, psychiatrists/psychologists, long term care that could be instigated that would give you a clue that it was viable for you to include this woman into your life again, but it hasn't happened yet. Continue to protect yourself and your family from this sick selfish woman. You will know if she has put even an ounce of thought into reconciliation, and it will not look like a chance meeting or an easily sent email. You need proof that she has changed, accept nothing less. Be a good mother, continue to protect your young. I'm sorry that this is so hard on you, some people do not deserve children, remember, any cat can have kittens.