Help! Narcissistic Husband returns

Can anyone help me please?!    
My husband has been away for 7 days and is coming home today.   I am dreading it.   I dont know how to behave around him......he has an amazingly subtle but deadly way of demeaning and undermining things I do, say and believe in.   I know he has a narcissistic personality but does anyone know how to act around these types of people to avoid the stabs and jabs at my soul?
I am so agitated talking to myself about what to say and how to react etc.   Should I defend myself or agree with him?   I know that whatever I am that it will not be right - unless it is what he has fantasised about me in his head and I match that, somehow!  
I dont do peace-keeper very well but I need to try.  Our marriage has become such an awful juggling act with one or other of us giving out or taking abuse, ignoring or openly pursuing the other, leaving and coming back......I need help from someone who is suffering the same or has been through it.

[mjmom69]

I completely understand what you are going thru. My first marrage was exactly like yours, a narcissistic husband who degrades and belittles you. You will NEVER live up to what he expects or wants you to be. You are an individual with your own thoughts and beliefs and you cannot live your life trying to conform to what he wants. It is impossible to keep up with them and their wishes. I am now divorced, as he found someone else he thought was ideal for him and of course that ended in divorce as well. Counceling would be good if you could get him to go, but as with my ex, he may think he is perfect and doesn't need help because nothing is his fault. I never intended to get a divorce and would have stayed with him forever because I believe that is what you do when you get married but it was all out of my hands and he did what he wanted and now, I am very happily married to a wonderful man. The only way I know to deal with it is to lead your life as you want, try not to create conflict or antaganize him but don't let him convince you that you are a bad person or always wrong. If he will allow it, create a life for yourself without him with whatever interests you and have friends that you can talk to about it. I believe you can have a happy life and a decent marriage if you can maintain your independance and self worth. It is very hard I know. Sometimes you may have to just smile at him and nod to whatever he insists and walk away. It isn't a solution that most would choose but if you want to keep your marriage together you have to adjust. You may seek counceling on your own also. If you choose to divorce, it will be difficult with a man with that kind of personality. You will need an excellent lawyer! Either way, I wish you the best and feel free to message me if you have any questions or just need to talk. I know I'm not very encouraging but I do know how you feel and it can be ok. Take care.

[margypops]

I am not certain there is a way to handle them its your choice the way you react to his behavior ,you say you know whatever you are it wont be right, have you thought of leaving permanently  and starting afresh, It sounds like it has become a verbal battle, have you had any couples therapy ?

[mjmom69]

I completely understand what you are going thru. My first marrage was exactly like yours, a narcissistic husband who degrades and belittles you. You will NEVER live up to what he expects or wants you to be. You are an individual with your own thoughts and beliefs and you cannot live your life trying to conform to what he wants. It is impossible to keep up with them and their wishes. I am now divorced, as he found someone else he thought was ideal for him and of course that ended in divorce as well. Counceling would be good if you could get him to go, but as with my ex, he may think he is perfect and doesn't need help because nothing is his fault. I never intended to get a divorce and would have stayed with him forever because I believe that is what you do when you get married but it was all out of my hands and he did what he wanted and now, I am very happily married to a wonderful man. The only way I know to deal with it is to lead your life as you want, try not to create conflict or antaganize him but don't let him convince you that you are a bad person or always wrong. If he will allow it, create a life for yourself without him with whatever interests you and have friends that you can talk to about it. I believe you can have a happy life and a decent marriage if you can maintain your independance and self worth. It is very hard I know. Sometimes you may have to just smile at him and nod to whatever he insists and walk away. It isn't a solution that most would choose but if you want to keep your marriage together you have to adjust. You may seek counceling on your own also. If you choose to divorce, it will be difficult with a man with that kind of personality. You will need an excellent lawyer! Either way, I wish you the best and feel free to message me if you have any questions or just need to talk. I know I'm not very encouraging but I do know how you feel and it can be ok. Take care.

[Hollychops]

thank you for responding.....it really helps to hear someone else understands what its like and you are encouraging X.  It is very hard to explain to anyone who doesnt have experience of actually living with someone like my h what i am talking about.   to the outside world my h is Mr wonderful and they never see the bad stuff!  
he is here now and we have already had a few words and i am at fault of course!   i am going to take the advice to try not to annoy him and get on with having my life.   i am working on the process of leaving but i just cannot face doing it without having somewhere secure of my own to go to first and get myself strong enough to face the divorce!!!
X

[mjmom69]

I feel for you. Leaving was so hard even when he was telling me he didn't love me and didn't want to be married and I knew he was cheating. Luckily I had my parents to go to. My daughter was only 4 mo. old when I left (after going thru some horrible times while I was pregnant). It will be ok. You can do it.
I know what you mean about what everyone else thinks of him. They can be very charming and hide how they really are. Even our mediator at court said he didn't seem like a bad guy to her! Really! No one needs your opinion after you knew him for 15 min! Anyway, I wish you luck and I'm here if you need me!
Take care.

[Dalubaba]

I read one novel which was full of techniques to deal with relationship issues. I read this noves 50 years back. I do not remember the title or the author of the book.
I can give a reference on technique; Husband or wife are blind folded and the other leads the blindfolded person. They do it by turn.Idea was to create trust in between them. Perhaps somebody may remember this book by the above reference.This novel is full of such techniques. I am sorry that I do not remember the title of this novel.

[Hollychops]

thank you everyone for writing - it is a terribly hard day for me today......I feel like I am going out of my mind!   I start everyday remembering that it is ok for me to be the way I am but end everyday doubting myself.   he is like a brick wall - and it is slowly but surely killing me.....

I wonder what that novel was you are alluding to Dalubaba.....?.....maybe someone will come up with the name.   I will do a bit of surfing to see if i can come up with anything too....

mind you i think it is probably too late to change anything between us.....he is so inflexible, hard even and absolutely sure 100% that all problems are mine.

X

[margypops]

the leave you will be forever glad you did ...trust me

[Hollychops]

I am getting nearer all the time to leaving......just keep missing out on rentals in the right area....am determined this time to get somewhere where i can keep my friends and my life outside my marriage going....have to take my dogs with me who are my best friends but my horses will have to stay here for a while at least until my h decides on what he wants to do.....there is no way i can actually tell him i am leaving slowly but surely for good but he seems strangely ok with the idea that i get my own "pad" as long as he feels he is in control and not paying for it.....he will look after the horses when he wants too and announce when i am to come back to do it etc.   I will have to play a very tricky game for a while......h is doing the house up (which is why he is happy to stay around here for a month of so) and when the building work is done then will be the time to sell up and start a proper separation...
OMG when I read this it sounds like madness......perhaps it is......I am possibly BP and absolutely have to find out how much of my mood swings are to do with his need to control me and how much are my own...........!

[margypops]

Thank you for the update it does sound like you are determined and I believe its the only way if he wont get help and change his ways ,its impossible to live like that so stay strong you will be glad you did , oh yes take your pets I hope he will look after the horse.well done for getting at least part of the way , I am sure you will be okay ..

[allmymarbles]

What happens if you just ignore him when he becomes obnoxious? How does he handle "no reaction"? Maybe he is looking to get a rise out of you. Don't give it to him.