Helping an Abusive Person- I need links

[PassionFlower09]

Hi  everyone,

My husband really insist on helping a girl in an abusive relationship. We have really tried. Everything that we could do has been done. I have told my husband that after a certain point, she has to make a decision herself. No one will be able to help her unless she wants to change the situation- I can see it now: We will move the world for her  and she  will still stay with her abusive boyfriend.

As you all know there are cycles of abuse. We have seen this girl through at least 3 cycles. Now she and her boyfriend are in the honeymoon phase. This girl has already said that she wants to stay with this abusive guy.Now she is even acting resentful to my husbands efforts. He called her and she said  "I'm going to stay with him until I am not in love with him anymore". As if...

I am honestly tired of all of this. I believe that our efforts are useless as long as she does not make a decision to change. It seems, that sense my husband want so bad to help, I must wait until he gets tired too.  However, I see that he is getting hurt in the process too: he smokes more ( he was planning to quit, but is so stressed by this situation and hasn't yet), he, initially, was not honest with me about his involvement in this situation (secrete emails and etc); He is constantly thinking about this girl's situation and neglecting his responsibilities.

There is so much information about helping an abusive person, but are there any links about how helping an abusive person can negatively affect your life? If so , I NEED THOSE LINKS!!!!

Thanks Everyone

[superbunny]

Try an experiment. Do not call or email her. If she calls or emails be supportive but remind her of what she needs to do. In short, do not initiate contact. This will afford your husband a mental break.

I'm surprised your husband has taken an active role in helping this woman. I didn't think men liked to get involved in other people's relationship issues. Sounds like something only a woman would do. Your husband sounds like a very compassionate person. I'm a woman, and I doubt I would have gotten so involved.

[jo929]

you have done all that you can, the rest is up to her, and she will use you when she needs you, just give her some phone no of shelters for \abused women and tell her help is just a phone call away, i know that she has read about abuse my daughter went through this, but she has to want help you can not do anything for her, so drop it, i know it is hard, but you have tried bless both of you for trying

[RockRose]

Passionflower,  I'm really suspicious/uncomfortable with your husband's excessive interest in some other woman's love life.  His extreme desire to "rescue" this damsel crosses the line,  in my opinion,  and it doesn't sound like it's out of altruistic motives.

[jo929]

I never thought of that, but rock rose does have a point, i would think on this  jo

[AnxiousGurl]

I agree, something is fishy (secret emails) he confessed to you how involved he's getting. I mean Ive been there, tried getting a girl out of a very physically and emotionally abusive relationship and depending on the girl but it usually doesnt matter what you say or how much help, you can give her as much help and advice til you turn blue in the face and she'll still be coming home with bruises on her. There comes a point where you have to step back and leave it alone. If she's a big girl, she can figure it out for herself. She's not going to listen...he's just wasting his energy and breathe with this girl.