How can I help my daughter??

[janey155]

I have a beautiful and bright daughter who was abused by my brother ( he was prosecuted) the abuse consisted of photographing her after he pulled down panties while she slept and there was never much more to it than that. That was eight years ago and she uses this as an excuse for everything from "thats why I can't do my homework" to why she didn't do simple chores. She is extremely lazy and claims PTDS  but when we catch her at 4:00 AM "Role Playing" on her computer with her toxic friend from school....we're pretty sure she is just too tired because of a lack of sleep. Frankly I'm sick of the excuses.And it only seems to come up when she needs it to. I think we have created this monster....I got to the point that  told her that she needs to spend some time with others who were abused far worse than she. That we were so very lucky that she told someone after a few times of it happening...That it could have been so much worse.....That it wasn't her fault....All the right things.....but now I can't stop myself from trying to get real and say look honey .....what comes out next isn't very nice! I get so angry

[jo929]

first you did right in reporting it but what she went through is nothing compared to rape it seems she has been given her way to many times i have raised 3 daughters i am not saying that it was not traumatic for her but instead  of going forward you felt to sorry and she gained a lot of sympathy from every one and it seems she is still  taking advantage of the situation  and trying to get her way you need to set some boundries for her she need to learn who is the parent and who is the child be firm but nice do not give in if she does not do her  home  work take a phone privilage away or computer time there are lots of things you could do. all of my girls were given a chore to do around the house they also washed the dishes ect as i worked even when i did not and they did not do what they were supposed to some privilage was taken this may sound cruel to you but in the long run she will grow to be a better person i could not afford much but i forbid them use of the one phone  we had or they were not allowed to have a friend in there are so many ways to let her know that until she is grown and out of the house she will do as she is told so many parents get tired and say oh do whatever when that happens you will have more problems today i have seen teens disrespect their elders and i woder did they not have someone to teach them, i wish you lots of luck i beleive the parent should rule the house not the child   lots luck  jo

[jml1986]

I must commend you for the way your are handling your daughter at this point. I will give you a little background on my abuse and then I will try to give you a little advice.
I was a victim of incest by two uncles, sexual abused by a neighboor and the brother of a baby sitter and of rape at age 18.
My parents knew about my uncles, however at that time they did not prosecute them, they just made sure that I was never around them alone again. As for the other abuses, my mom knows but she chooses not to talk about them.
I did have a rape kit done when I was raped but did not choose to prosecute the guy because back when it happened it was really hard to get a conviction without causing the victim to feel like they were the one on trial.
Now as for the way I have dealt with it, I have not let these men take my life away from me. I do not think that because I was dealt a pretty ****** hand in life that I have the right to use it as a crutch. I am now and have always believed that I am in control of my destiny and I don't choose to let these men take that away from me. My life may not always go the way I want it, but that is no bodies fault but my own. If I choose to dwell on the stuff that is making my life crappy at the time.
As for your daughter, I have a stepson that was not treated very well by his bio mom and tried for years to blame everything that happened to him on the way he was treated by her. My husband got custody of him and his sister at the time of the divorce, but they had visitation with there mother on a regular basis. While he was on visits with her, she would favor his sister over him and blame him for everything. I don't really think that she was ever abusive to him but she still did not treat him the way she should have.
Well as our son was growing up, he got into stealing from people. It started out small stuff but grew into much bigger things. At the time my husband just didn't want to believer he was doing it so he chose to ignore it. So, when I would lay out the punishment, he would try saying things like well my mom did this or my sister is the one that got me started. I did my best at first to say okay that maybe the case but that is still no excuse and you need take responsibility for your actions. This went on for several years and I tried to get him help through local agencies and they just wouldn't help. I finally reached a point where there were no more excuses. You choose to do what you are doing and I will no longer let you blame it on your past. That did not stop him, but I told him up front that if I ever caught him again, I would press charges on him since that is the only way I could get help for him. It did happen again and I did press charges. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but it was the best thing I ever did. They forced him to own his own actions and pay for them.
So, I want you to know that you are not the only person that has dealt with a child that uses excuses to get away with bad behavior, and I commend you again for not letting her get away with it. It is very hard to stand your ground but it is the best thing that you can do for her.