How do I get past sexual abuse from my childhood? plz help

I am now 38 years old, growing up I was molested several times by different people, nothing was ever done, it was a different time then I guess. In 1997 I was on the phone with my older brother, he is 9 years older than me, and for some reason, either I had been half remembering or maybe having dreams, I cant even remember what exactly brought it up anymore but I had started remembering a game that we used to play, but I couldnt remember it all. I asked him about it, and he paused, then Im not sure if he had been drinking or what, but he seemed to enjoy telling me that I knew about the game, and that I liked it, and that I wanted it, and that it had started around the time I was 4, I felt absolutely sick, I was crying, just couldnt believe how he had told me, like he enjoyed telling me, which was so out of character for him. Because my mom and dad divorced before I was born, my oldest brother went back and forth growing up from time to time between their houses, eventually he went into the navy and of all my mom's children he was the only one to go to college finish, and do good. everybody thought well of him. I had walked to the payphone to call him that day bc at the time, I was in lpn classes, single mom, 2 kids, so it was hard making ends meet at times. I cried the whole walk home, went to my mom's and couldnt help myself I told her. She responded very oddly, atfirst she didnt believe me, then she kinda acted as if she did believe me but made excuses for him, Like that he was young, and he hard life, and I just need to leave stuff alone. A lil while passes, and his sickening voice, the way he tells just haunts me, him tellin me I wanted it, and I liked it, I hated him, I hated myself, and I hated everyone in my family who put him on a pedestal and wouldnt believe me, I was in a fog at school I couldnt think, I started cutting on myself when I was alone just bc so much of the time I felt so numb, and I couldnt seem to get over it. I wrote him a hate letter, after several mons, after I dropped out of school, and it just seemed that things were spiraling. I did try going to a counselor, however for some reason at that point in my life, to me it seemed to completely not help at all. I have had a lot of probs with my family bc they do not understand why I get so upset when they mention him to me, which I have explained it time and again, but they just see it as being rediculous. I dont want to hear about him, I dont want any sort of offhanded relationship with him, the last time I spoke to him was in 1997 on the payphone and then some mons later I wrote him what I call a hate letter, bc what I never could quite wrap my mind around is even if that horrible thing did indeed happen, he knew I was in college, and I didnt know about it, that I had kids and was trying to make a better life for us, why not just not tell me... instead of tell me and it ruin my life. I find myself alot of the time staying angry, I cant help it, I have really tried to just let it go, but still wanted no contact with him and didnt want to hear about him. But after a while, if on the news if there was a child that had been molested, or if I am watching a movie with same scenario, I cant get it out of my head, I hate him, I hate the others too, but especially him because he was supposed to be my brother. And also I just keep soo much anger in me because so much of my family either dont believe me, or do believe me but they just  dont understand why i stay upset that was a long time ago and hes a good guy that did good for himself, is what sorts of things they say. I just cant help the way I feel or think, and it causes alot of probs in the family, and I feel guilty in a way, because my mom is getting older, but it makes me mad that none of the times that I was molested when I was young and she knew about it, she never called the police, I can even remember one time being very very young, running screaming and crying bc I didnt want to pee and when I did it was blood. I always swore when I had kids I would never let them go through any of this, I now have 3 kids, 2 of my kids are grown, we TALK nothing happened to them, my youngest is 13. Kids grow up to be adults, they have to deal with that stuff all their life... life's hard enough with out adding to it, you have to put your foot down, not sweep stuff under rugs, prosecute people who do wrong, break the circle.

[RockRose]

First,  I would recommend Bad Childhood,  Good Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  

Sorting through this,  I think one of the most painful things here is that you were victimized by someone the family greatly admires and loves, and who holds a highly respected position within your extended family.  Had your molester been someone who became a complete loser,  was rejected by the family,  reviled,  and your position was exalted and respected it's unlikely you would be feeling this degree of anger and pain.  So it's not the sex acts really that are causing this pain,  it's the feeling that you aren't supported and he is.  This is an important place for you to start,  I think,  with the clear idea of what specifically is bothering you so much - and you seem to realize it and verbalize this very well.  So that's good.

At this point,  I think you need to decide:

Is it more important that you feel better and learn to stop tormenting yourself with this anger and pain

OR

Is it more important that you continue to work toward getting your extended family to reject him and empathize with your pain and anger.

That's the crux of it,  IMHO. You need to decide which is more important and move in that direction.  As hard as it is,  I think you'd be happier choosing option #1.  I don't see that option #2 is even possible.

[Nighthawk61]

You definitely need to go to therapy, understand that it won't be easy, make sure you have a therapist that you feel is working through this with you, and move on toward your letting the anger and pain go in your life.

If your mom knew that her four year old daughter was bleeding from sexual abuse, then i would have to say that it's not healthy for you, or your children,  to expect a relationship with this woman, at all. If your extended family don't support you, then stop seeing them, and stop involving your children in their lives. The fact that your brother is so sick, and not remorseful at this time suggests he is the worst kind of predator, and leaving him and anyone who supports him is what you need to do. There is a group called ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics or Dysfunctional Families) that might be a good fit for you. I had terrible problems with my childhood and found support there for a time. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and pray that you find a therapist to help you find your best life. God Speed.

I'm sure that you can make some special friends here to support you through your therapy. Member's support mean so much to so many here, and i hope you consider this an option for you during these hard times. God Bless You.

[serenarnot]

I am new to this, that was my first post, I really do appreciate the support from both of yall, thank yall so very much. I think I forgot to add, about hmmm 4 or 5 years ago I was able to let go of alot of the anger, and a cpl years before that I quit cutting on myself, because I found out that the only person I was hurting was myself, and my immediate family. And like I think I said before, I havent spoken with my brother since that phone call, and few mons later I wrote him a hate letter, but that has been it, he doesnt live anywhere around me. And as far as if my other family like him or not, that is their choosing, it did bother me that they didnt believe me, because I have always been an extremely honest person, and also I had nothing to gain making up this story about him, when I spoke to him on the phone, I hadnt seen him in years, he had joined the service out of high school. But after I explained to my family the probs I was having dealing with it, and the fact that they didnt believe me, I just didnt want them to talk to me about him anymore, like let me know how he was, or things, but somehow here and there it would come up and they would get mad at me when I would lose control. i dont think its fair that he told me, he didnt have to tell me, it had such a bad impact on my life, and he acted like he enjoyed it, and he probably hurt other kids because he did that to me, and nothing was ever done to him, he didnt have to tell me, he was my brother

[Nighthawk61]

You could tell your mother you'll take a lie detector test, if you really want to be believed and get closure. Honestly, that's what i'd do. If it were my kid, that told me, and i was finding it hard to believe i'd pay for it, just to find out if my son needed professional help, or kid's needed to be protected.

The worst part of this is your saying that your mom knew when you were very very young. How old were you that you when you were so young and remember peeing blood, and how many times did this happen at that young age that she knew about?  Your mom was as bad as the molesters.

[serenarnot]

i would take a lie detector test, but i doubt it would make a difference to anyone in my family, they live in another state, and we dont have the funds for it, but if it were available, i would be more than happy to. about how old i was when i was peeing blood, i dont know, very very young, i very lil, i remember it hurting very bad, running because i didnt want to go, and that we lived in a wooden house with wood porch, bc i ran off the porch trying not to have to pee bc it hurt and then i went all over myself, and i remember hurting peeing blood. As far as how many times did she know that i had been messed with, i know of 2....but other than that i dont know.

[Nighthawk61]

I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. You're mother will pay on judgement day for this, and so will all the guilty parties. It's horrific. You sound so put together, and strong, raising your own 3 kids, and keeping your marriage together like you have, and all of it without therapy, just by your own faith in yourself. I guess your mom became a monster the first time she let it happen, and didn't get you into therapy, one was enough for that title. I'm so glad that your on this site, maybe you can help other people that have gone through this to see that you can make it over something like this to marry and have healthy children. Your strength dear woman, is an inspiration to us all.