How do i deal

My biological dad was sexually abusive to me for the first 9 years of my life, i dont remember anything from childhood from being bornen to 9 years of age, when i finally moved away from it, i didnt see him anymore. He was biopolar and my mom has Post traumatic stress disorder from him. I am now 17 and my mom and i dont have the best relationship and i sometimes feel like she hates me because i am half of him, how do i deal? I question the abuse and then i have my mom and grandparents calling me leaving me voicemails, "YOU WEREEEEE SEXUALLY ABUSED, YOU USED TO SAY YOUR DADDY STUCK PIZZA IN YOUR PEE PEE AND ATE IT OUT OF YOU"  i mean who wants to hear that from their grandmother?!!! i am just sick of this sh*t. He committed suicide so theres nothing that can be done there but with all my family problems i have thought about contacting his family just to hear two sides of the story, I cant change that he abused me i cant change that hes my dad either.

[AnnaE]

Do you have access to counseling? It is very hurtful for your grandmother and mother to leave those messages for you. It is also very difficult to deal with the suicide of a parent, even though he was your abuser.

I am really sorry about the pain you are experiencing.

It might help you a lot to enter group therapy with others who have been abused.

If you need to talk more, please write again.

[meg217]

Thanks and yes i am in counceling right now for depression reactive attachment disorder trust issues and now possibly biopolar disorder. Counceling right now isnt helping. My mom and step dad are having marriage problems and he, my step dad used/is emotionally abusive.

[AnnaE]

Be caustion about therapists handing you a lot of diagnoses. You need some help for the abuse. Can you look for a therapist who specializes in abuse?

[meg217]

I am sick of all the diagnoses. I dont know if i can.

[AnnaE]

Please try. Call therapists in the area and ask for help. That's how I found one.

[Amphitrite]

Oh meg, I can understand what your going through so much.
I blocked out my entire childhood until 11 years old. I had a few memories that when I remembered I realized I always had them but was in such awful denial.
In all my flashbacks I can never see a face and in my nighmares the face is always the devil so it's all scaley which makes me very afraid of who it is and why I'm so afraid to see it.

Your mind represses these things to protect you because they were too hard for you to deal with.
I can't say that I understand to know what it's like to know it's your father and be told what you did by your grandmother. That must have felt so awful and frightning to hear.

Your right, you can't change what happened and you can't change that he's your father. But you can get through this. It's hard and it can be a long journey. But your coming here and posting is really brave.
I know it wasn't easy to post that. It took me months to come here and post. I would post in almost any other forum and avoid the one I signed on for.

If you can find a good therapist they can help you. But it should really be one who specializes in abuse because not all therapists know how to help us.
Somewhere you'll feel safe.

It was really hard for me to go back to therapy. I refused for years. I made up a million excuses to why I didn't need to, that I couldn't. I wa so afraid of what I'd remember if I went and I needed to keep that control over myself I had in denial.

But when I went back I realized how much I needed to feel safe and I haden't for so long. It wasn't easy, I won't tell you it is. But it is worth it to find someone to talk to. Even if they don't specialize in abuse you can just go and talk about other stuff for now.
Until you can talk about the abuse.

No ones will make you talk about what you don't want to. If you call and make an appointment that doesn't mean you have to be there forever. You can just go and hear what the therapist has to say. And then you decide what you want to do. Your in control of the theapy. If you decide you don't like the tehrapist you don't have to go back. But if you do that's even better.

Please just try. Anna and I will be here for you. I'll be around today..on and off checking in if you need to talk. I'm pretty sure anna will be back on at some point today.

Amph

[momagain59]

Were your Mom and Grandmother aware that the abuse was taking place? If your Mom lived in the same home and it occurred for 9 years, you would think they would have noticed something. I would not share anything with them about your bio-Dad's family. Maybe they will get over the need to remind you of the abuse that you endured. I would also be careful contacting his family; they also may not be safe, they may not know what he was doing or they could lie to cover up for him. Either way, it could confuse you even more. I am glad that your boyfriend’s family seems to be supportive. Please do not quit school; there are a lot more jobs available, with higher pay, if you have a diploma. What year of high school are you in? Can you change counselors if you want? Do not give up; you are too young and beautiful with your whole life ahead of you. The rest of your life does not have to be as your life has been so far. Do you read self help books? The public libraries are full of them. Do you go to church or read the bible? That is what helped me the most. Do you have positive friends that you can hang out with? Is there a support group in your area? Do you write your feelings in a journal? Do not feel that you need to answer these questions; I mainly asked them to help you think about your future. If you need me to try to find you help in your area, let me know. I can research it on the internet for you. You should not have to going through all of this by yourself. I am sorry that this happened and I wish that I had the magic words to heal you. Please allow yourself time to get better.

[sweet4u302002]

"He was bipolar and my mom has Post traumatic stress disorder from him. I am now 17 and my mom and i dont have the best relationship and i sometimes feel like she hates me because i am half of him, how do i deal? I question the abuse"

First, let me say that therapy is always a wonderful tool when we are going through emotional issues. Second, your mind protects you from what you can not handle. When you are emotionally ready to deal with whatever happened, your mind will give you information. Do not worry about that. Now, your mom...What I am about to say may seem a little harsh, but if you listen to me and try  later on you will be very happy you did. YOU CAN NOT CHANGE ANYONE BUT YOURSELF. Remember you ARE NO LONGER A VICTIM. You are 17 now. If you do not want to hear it, then tell them if they continue to speak to you about it you will avoid and not listen to them. You have a RIGHT to your personal and EMOTIONAL space, and they all need to respect that. If you believe your mom takes issue with you, then TALK TO HER about it. If that is uncomfortable or scary ask your therapist to do a session with your mom and you so you can talk about it with her.

I wish you the best hon, and there are people here you can talk to as well/

[meg217]

I have been to abuse therapy when i was younger, but when we moved (my mom step dad and 2 younger half brothers) my parents thought that meant i was SAFE since we no longer lived in the same state. So my parents discontinued my therapy for 5 years. My parents started to see me being veryyyy angery with them so we had family counceling... that by the way did nothing so we discontinued with her. And i went another 3 years with zero therapy/counceling. And just this past summer i decided to do counceling for me, my councelor was misguided from my parents and thought the ONLY reason i was there was to fix my relationship with my parents, which wasnt true.

i wanted to go to counceling for my family for my past life for my issues with girls not being able to maintain friends ( ive over come that now at least) for my issues with trusting people or trusting them too easily for me making my self vulnerable to guys and letting them take advantage of me etc

and she, my councelor is caught up on my F-ing  parents and its driving me crazy!

[AnnaE]

Have you told her she is off the track? You do not need a counselor who does not support your working on your issues. That is like being in jail, or something. Are your parents paying/filing insurance.? Can you try to tell them the counselor *****. Then you can take momagain59 up on her offer.

You are so brave to post the things you did on this forum. I know you will find a way to help yourself more. We are here to support you.

I am so glad you have a bf and  friends. You are also very skilled at identifying your issues.

[meg217]

If you dont mind me asking me but how long has it taken you to recover from  your abuse? I just want to pretend it never happened to me. yes i know its a big chunk of my life but at the same time i want to be able to contact the family i dont know



im just so confused right now... especially with the shock that my drs think im biopolar, im 17 im not sure if im capable of accepting that i mean im a girl they could bring in any girl in the school and say somethings wrong with them.

[meg217]

My mom had suspicision of the abuse from the very beginning. But she was only 19 years old and she was being abused herself. He threatened her with saying hed kill her and take me away etc. so my mom put up with it for a year, Until he really did almost kill her. Cops were always involved but the ones who showed up were always crooked and friends with my biological dad so swept my mom and i under the rug. his parents were fully aware of what he was doing and threatened my mom as well. Child Protective Services were involved with me and when my mom had the nerve to divorce him and CPS were suppose to go vouch for me in court they ended up relocating and misplacing my file and several other "victims" files. There were reports forensic evidence and everything. But because they couldnt vouch for me the judge decided my parents would have joint custody and i put up with more abuse for 9 years. and it only got worse.


to answer  your questions:


I am a junior in high school

i could change councelors but its so much work finding the right one and getting them to understand your life

i have never even heard of self help books


i have been good about church in the past but lately its the last thing im worried about it


i have positive friends that i hang out with but my friends are all going through there own problems my 4 best friends, 1 Friend is overcoming her drug addiction, 1 friend parents just divorced after 36 yrs of marriage her dad cheated on her mom, 1 friend just had an abortion, and my other closest friend is morning over the lose of her boyfriends dad who was killed in a motor cycle accident on his birthay.
so we all love each other very much but we all have our own problems and just like to relax together and have a good time.


ive been advised to write in a journal for the way i feel but i dont feel comfortble sharing those things on paper and having my younger brothers come across it.


thanks for all your advice (all of you) its really helping.)

[meg217]

My parents only pay $15 a visit for the copay of the insurance. and ive told my councelor my family issues is not what im all there for and yet it always gets back to them.

even just talking  to others whove had some type of similar experience helps....


its not like you all are drs and are trying to diagnosis me with every mental disease possible and believe meds are a cure all. its quite nice.

[AnnaE]

We care, Meg, and we want the best for you. Thank you so much for saying that it helps. Then we know we are on the right track.

Continue to let us know what you need.

Maybe you can find a therapist who will see you without the copay. I have even found free help--not recently. We have an organization in our city who helps people find therapy at reduced costs. I bet you can find one who will do that.

You are ahead of the game. I did not realize until 30 that I was abused. I knew it, yet I had buried it.

It took me 5 years and a lot of work with 2 therapists and group therapy. I worked full time, and raised a daughter at the same time.

After 5 years, I was ready to go back to grad school. Now my therapist talsk to me when there is a crisis.- We are all different. There are many factors. I had been abused by my ex also for 15 years.

[Amphitrite]

Meg, were all here for you. It's not an easy thing to go through and alot of us didn't start dealing with it until we were much older like anna said.

Myself? I just started dealing with it. I repressed my whol childhood, everything. And one day I was at my wits end because of the physical illness I have.
The pain is terrible but emotionally it was doing things to me it shouldn't have been doing.
Everything magnafied like my bight terror, nughtmares, my attitude..just everything went to he77 and one morning I had this really strange night terror after I had just woken up so I was kind of half asleep and half awake.

After that I strated having little memories here and there. And I went back to therapy and confesed it all after my pian management doctor made me go to get put on an anti-depressant for chronic pain.

But I've osolated between denial, wanting to stuff it back in and realizing that all along I've known it's true.

I did alot of talking to the friends I've met here. I did alot of thinking(who can't help but have it on there mind) and I talked to one of my greatest allies. And it was only last week or so that I decided my go back and forth between denial and knwoing had to stop because I was driving myself crazy.

So I sccepted the therapy and I accepted the meds they wanted me on and I'm dealing with it.
I'm nowhere near the point anna or some of the other are.
But being on that path feels better than getting on and jumping back off constantly.

So I knwo how you feel when you just want it to be over with, gone. I wanted that too. Heck, I still want it. a quick fix. To just gop back to denial. But even when I was in denial it was still leaking out into everything I did. My relationships, how I felt about myself, I couldn't sleep for years and every night I had nightmares and night terrors.
So I could pretend it didn't happen and live the way I was living. Or I could admit to myself what I knew and even though it was soo hard, and still is hard and go back to therapy and at least start to talk a little bit at a time.

Some days are better than others. Some days completely stink and I feel like I'm being sucked into a black hole. And those days I come here and talk to my friends or I call my therapist and go see her. Or I just call anyone and chat about anything.

It's true that it is easier with my mes they've given me because they help me to not be in panic mode all the time and help me get some restful sleep. But as much as they help, I know they're not the whole answer.

Most of us have other issues, like PTSD, BiPolar, Adjustment disorders..and whole bunch of "diagnosis".
But what I've learned is don't pay attention to the names they throw at you. They're not important. What's important is how you feel.

And knowing your not alone. That we understand and are right there with you( as cheesy and chiche as that sounds, It's true).

Mt advice is don't go talk to your fathers side YET. Give yourself a little time. I know you want the answers and to put it all behind you, but you might end up doing more damage to yourself than good.

I'm adopted and when I went to meet my bio family..everything seemed okay at first and then it all fell apart and became a tangled mess. It made me feel even worse than I had before I even met them.
And even though that wasn't about abuse and just my wanting to meet them.

My point is, if I had maybe waited until I worked on some of my issues about beung adopted first things would have ended up better because no matter what had happened I knew I would be able to deal with it.

What am I writting a novel here...I'll stop now:):)

(((HUGS)))\
Amph

[meg217]

i had a panic attack at school today and my parents showed up acting alll professional wanting to send me to hospital since i noo longer want to be on meds nor do i want to accept that my drs think im biopolar. so my mom drove me home since they thought that i was in capable of driving which i was fine byy then. they told me it wasnt a punishment and yet now they wont let me leave the house and are holding my keys hostage.so now im prisioneer in the house.

[AnnaE]

You can call child protective services. Call 311 or 911and ask for the number. I am so sorry.

[Amphitrite]

Meg I'm sorry that this has happened. It's clear your parents don't know alot about panic attacks and that they're not a reason to be hospitalized as neither is not accepting a diagnosis or taking medicaton.

I'm sorry they made that an option at that time. And it must have felt horrible to have a panic attack in school like that.
I can remember having the same thing happen and thought I was dying. It was terrible.

What it you at least tried something for the anxiety and panic. Those are very common meds. Something like buspar, xanax, klonopin. They can really help with oanic attacks.

I feel horrible that your parents took your keys away and you feel trapped in your house. I've felt that way too when my parents used to refuse to let me go out and since I didn't drive(until I was 18 because I was scared:)) they turned away my friends who came to pick me up.

I was so angry.

Do you feel okay with sitting down with them and talking about how they make you feel when they threaten you with the hospital and take your keys away?

Can I ask you a question?

What is it about the diagnosis of bipolar?
Is it any diagnosis, are you afraid of what it means if you accept it and of teh medications?Do you feel it's the wrong diagnosis

Believe me, no jusgement here for not feeling okay with it for whatever reason.
I'm a big believer in a label not mattering, it's only really for insurance purposes anyway. It's supposed to be about how you feel and however you feel comfortable changing that to benefit you.

Like for example. I have a terrible anxiety disorder, actually PTSD. But I hate labels and so think of it more as..I have issues sleeping and with panic and since they don't make me feel good I want to change how it is.

But that's just me and everyone is different.

I was just interested to know how you feel about it yourself and what t means to you.

And no matter what your never the label a psychiatrist gives. That';s not who you are. It's only a word they need for insurance reasons.

Bu like I said it makes everyone feel differently. And I get the feeling your parents don't really know much about these kinds of things and how it makes you feel when they threaten you with going to the hospital.
But even so I'm not happy with how they handled your panic attack today, It doesn't sound like they wer every comforting at all.

Is there anything you can do about getting your keys back. Even of you don't want to go anywhere I know how it feels to not be able to if you want to. To have the freedom to do something if you want to.

Keep writting to us, K

amph

[bee_ryan]

I'm not sure about your mom, cause alot of problems you have with her could be things she can't help like the traumatic stress disorder or whatever she had that made her end up with a man like your dad, but if my mom and grandparents were leaving me with voicemails like that, i'd be done with them.  I'd wait till I turned 18, move out, and go to college and anywhere but there.  You'll find out in time that they are the problem, not you (if you don't know it already).

I've said this on a previous post, but just remember it happened to you, but it's not you.  People who are often abused think that they are bad because some idiot treated them bad.  It's bad enough you were sexually abused, but you make it worse when you think it was your fault.  I can only imagine the hateful scenerious that play out in your head and the anger you feel.

My dad used to say "who's crazy the crazy guy or the one arguing with him" ?  The answer is both, and he was crazy :)   You can't reason with people who have no honor.  Prepare yourself mentally and financially to move away from the insanity, and remember other people have suffered and overcome and so can you.

Don't overanalyze it.  You can ask yourself why a million times, but the real problem is dealing with that they did.  The more time you spend analyzing crazy people, the more you suffer.  Don't analyze it, don't argue with it, just beat it.

I wish you peace, love, and all the good things in life that make you happy; maybe someday you can use your experiences to help others.

[momagain59]

Quitting school will not help you. It is getting harder and harder to get a GED and without one or the other, it is hard to get a decent paying job.  Do they have an alternative school in your area? What do you want to do with your life after high school? Is there a career that you are interested in?

Do any of your friends see a counselor? Word of mouth is usually the best way to find a good counselor. Would the counselor at your school know any other counselors? It would be a hassle to change but having the right counselor would make all the difference in the world.

If you asked a librarian, they could direct you to the Self-help books since they are usually all located together. Joyce Meyers writes the best ones that I can think of. She tells it like it is. She was molested by her bio-Dad for most of her childhood. They can help you learn how to make it through difficult situations.

It is sad that a person cannot even write a journal without worrying about someone else reading it. I know what you mean though; my sister got my diary and read it when we were teens. It is not a good feeling when someone invades your deepest thoughts. If you write a journal, can you keep it on your computer?

Even though I do not agree with the way that your parents went about it, could they be keeping you home out of concern for your safety? I know as a parent, I would be very concerned about you. I am concerned about you and I do not even know you. It is very hard to watch someone that you love go through all of this turmoil.

Keep your head up, you deserve to have a Great life and I believe you will. You sound like too much of a fighter to give up. Take care of yourself and write back.

[meg217]

Ill try today at school during my off hour to get a good book. My dad went behind my back and got abilafy (however you spell it) from my psychiatrist thursday after my panic attack and continued to tell me they won support me if i dont take it. so i took friday and saturday night and felt like absolute $h!t I wasnt sleeping and since i took it friday i havent held ANYthing down.Nor have i been sleeping well. so with the support of my boyfriends family... either way they will support but i discontinued the med and am flushing them day by day down the toilet. i cant take meds anymore ive been sick since i started them.  so i have to act liike im taking them in order for my dad to pay for me to go to florida with my boyfriends family in march. but my dad and i continuely are fighting... he told me my moms loosing her job because i dont want to pick up my brothers who are totally disrespectful everyday from school which doesnt even impact my moms career. i just get blamded for everything... now they are bashing my bf saying hes a queer since he goes to a community college... my parents barely graduated high school to even try to talk. im just afraid if my parents find out i discontinued my meds they will send me to a mental institution. i love my boyfriend he has been there through think and thin...  and has been there by my side no matter what. and my dad wants to bash him now and say "maybe this medicine will knock some sense into you and youll break up with this kid cuz hes not good enough for you"


when does it stop

[AnnaE]

Sorry. I hope they do not find out about the meds. But it is hard to live like that! We're here for you.

[LexiFaye]

So they are thinking that you have Bipolar? or you do have bipolar and they just up and decided that abilify was perfect for you? Some have had good stuff with it, but you sound exactly like my brother on it. He is very sensitive with meds. If you do in fact have Bipolar, or manic-depression with anxiety there are other avenues. i think if your doctor is not listening to the patient and instead listening to your father it's maybe not a good doctor.

I'm 24 and have come to find that sometimes parents are right and sometimes they are wrong. If they are wrong about him, hang in there. Like gets better. Your going through a hard time, just be strong! If you ever want to talk more personally let me know! I've been there and done that with my family!

[LexiFaye]

One more thing, we are in the same state and I know a GREAT LCSW that helped me deal with my molestation. Her name is Jana Cyr. She is on my side of town rather, off of Kipling and 6th, but she is great and I know she will work with the money side. She helped me for nearly 10 years a=on and off. I highly recommend her. You can also look at Jefferson County for Mental Health if you really do not like your psych. doctor. But seriously - contact me personally if you ever need to.

You don't even know how much alike we are, I'm just at a different spot. I'm on here a lot. Message me, and I'll get back to you in minutes! Cliche term i use often: "THIS TOO SHALL PASS."

[meg217]

it is hard hiding this from my parents but its choice i made. if they knew they would probably send me to a mental issitution. on the other hand, my dad says he "is starting to see the medicine FINALLY working!!" (according to him ive only been on it a week and its making me terribly sick)  
im not taking the medicine!!! i believe he SOOOOOOOOOOOO wants something to be wrong with me and will do it at all cost.

[meg217]

Yes my doctors/parents believe i am biopolar based on the "stories" my parents have told them. And yes my dad went behind my back met with my doctor and got abilfy for me to take, and my dad thinks its going to be the best thing for me to take "since they finally got the right family of medications" my body will respond right, my body has never responded to any mental medication. its not like i want to be sick all the time but they just cause me to and i cant stop it.ive been so much more alive since disconntinuing it and have actually been sleeping and sleeping well. I'm thinking about taking this pill called "SamE" thats all natural to just maybe take my edge away, so once im finally (according to my dad) to far in it with abilfy i wont be upset anymore.  

And about Jefferson County I'm located in Douglas County, and my psychiatrist is located at Araphaoe/Douglas Mental Health Network.

According to my parents though now i only need help to be a contributing member of the family, "the abuse is in the past". My mom quit her job so now we have one income coming in, my dad cant afford our morgage and is complaining about me not having a job, (i have a job interview on wednesday to be a hostess and i havent told him because i am afraid that if i do tell him and i dont get the job he will blame it on me saying i didnt try hard enough to get it.) if i do get it though im going to tell him that i am making minimum wage and put the extra part of my wage and tips in a savings for when i move out or he kicks me out.
i turn 18 in 9 months and 1 day and then i can move the hell out and disconnect from my family 100%.
on the other hand to, i have that accramint of time to pay for my own cell phone and buy a new car, car insurance (since the one i have now is in my dads name), and to also help out my boyfriend with rent, living neccessities, etc.  i have a lot on my plate from now to october. i think i can do it.

i just wish i could to florida with my boyfriends family in march because my dad changed his mind and wont pay for it, if i could i would pay for it! then again im literally broke and still need to find a way to get my boyfriends promise ring in less than a month.