How do you start talking about it?

Hello, i am new to this forum. I joined the eating disorder forum in Dec. and thought that this would be a good one to join too. I am 18 now, when i was 6-9 i was sexually/physically abused by a family memeber. Since then i have formed very negative coping stratiges, like cuting, burning, bulimia, anorexia, and suicide attempts. I have been in several hospitals, and i've been in therepy for 4 years. However i could never bring myself to talk about the abuse. I am know at a point in my life where i want to change, but everyone keeps telling me the way to help change all my neg. behaviors is to talk about the abuse, since that triggered them. The only problem is i have no idea how to talk about it or where to start. I was hoping someone would have some suggestions.
Thanks

[Amphitrite]

Hi Rach, I'm so sorry you have been through sich a tough times with the bulimia, cutting , anorexia.
All of those thinsg you mentioned are associated with childhood abuse , tthe only coping skills you discovered so you could survive,
But they never work forever and are really bad for us.

I haven't cut in alost 5 years i think but the other night wa so horrble and and awful that I gelt I had no other way to cope at that time.

I know how hard it is to talk about the abuse. The fear of telling someone else face to face. The fear of judgement and that your are wgo you've grown uo to think you are...te fear a therapist will someone validate that. (At least those are my fears.)

It took me five years to even get close to talking about it, But I left therapy before I did. Now I have the same problem. I have someone to prescribe the meds vut I don;t have the Therapist and right now I very mich need them.

I realized, just the other day infact that my holdig it in so much because I was so afraid to talk about it was making everything worse for me without my even realizing that was why. Or more like I was in such deep deinal.

Have you tried making the apointment yet?

In yourf first session you do not have to talk about the abuse, not at all. how the sessions go are completely up to you. You can do that for months of you feel. And when you feel comfortable then you can begin sharing what happened at a slow paace.
It's important to find a therapist who specializes in abuse. That means she will be aware of what you may need before you even tell her.

You just take it really slow ad do thigs as you feel domfrtable with.
You can show up and not talk at all. Pepole have done that and the tehrapist isn't iffended they know that you must be going througha hard time and a really scared.
or you can start off with talking about friends, family, whether you in school. Anything that you feel comfprtable with.
for howevever long you need to until your feelng a little more confident in your therapists Trut and abilities.

I'm sayin gthe same thing to myself as I;m actaully supposed to choose a tehrapist and as so afraid.

Maybe we can help eachother through this.

Hugs

Amph''Sorry my spelling is terrible and I just took my anti-anxiety meds so my hands and brain aren;t getting along perfectly at this momeny!

[PrettyKitty1]

Rach,

I am sorry that you were abused like this. These acts should never happen and no one deserves to be treated this way. I will not talk about me because I have never been sexually abused. However, I have a close family member who was raped still a virgin. It was terrible when she talked about it, but she did, and now she has a pretty normal life, married and all.

The best thing to do is to talk about this with a close family member. According to what I've witnessed - mind you, I have felt her pain and have participated in all family conversations about the topic- it is best to talk to mom, or grandma, or someone very, very close to you. You'll find it amazing how talking about it with a family member can have healing powers and it can turn into a very soothing experience.

You don't have any close family member? There is always therapy specifically for abuse, not anorexia or other issues. Have you tried that? If you can take a step out of that hole you'll find it absolutely not necessary to keep hurting yourself.

There is also something called will power and inner strength. Nobody, not even the best doctor or the best treatment out there will be able to help you if you don't wish to help yourself and overcome this. You can still enjoy your life. Trust me, you can. It's just a matter of WANTING to live.

Best of Luck to ya!

[AnnaE]

Most often, family members are the abusers, and the ones who did not abuse deny it. In this case, I am so glad it worked for your family member, and I hope it can lalso help Rachel. It is weet of you to write to her.

Rachel, write us back if you want to talk more. You are very welcome here and so are you, pretty kitty.

[PrettyKitty1]

Anna,

You're right. Sometimes family members are the abusers. I guess I should have said IF no members of the family were involved in the nasty act then it'd be good to talk about it with them.  My cousin (almost a sister as we grew up together) was raped by a stranger. She was walking on the streets going home from work and he stopped, took her hostage and had sex with her in the middle of nowhere. She was still a virgin. What happened to her affected me greatly. She thought I'd see her differently, but I could not help but feel sorry for her and love her even more for being so brave and try and get passed that, at least try, which is what I'm trying to tell Rach.

Trying, wanting, and putting effort in being a winner, not just a survivor would be a great help. That’s just my experience. Hopefully it can help the OP.

[Amphitrite]

Also too, sometimes the family doesn;t take the news well. Like my family. My sister turned her back on me and my mother was supportive until my sister wasn't. So sometimes that's also an issue.

But not all families are like that and sometimes you know that your family will be there for you.
But there is always that fear even as an adult, what if they dob't believe me. What if this..and ehat if that..

So I think it reall deoends on the person, the family and the situation.
I myself preferred to talk to a professional before talking to my family so incase things didn't go well I had support in place.

And they did go okay at first but not after my sister got involved.

But I think it's always a good idea to have a therapist too just because the family needs some time to adjust and they don't know what to do or say and need to process so then we have extra support and support that can also help our families. Refer them to loved ones of survivor groups and if needed have a loved one come to a session.

So to me it's a good idea to have both unless the family was involved in the bause or you know the family won't be supportive. Or at least you want to see a professional to help yourself feel stronger if some of the family has a reaction that you disn't expect or that makes you feel upset, confused or badly.

But like anna said prettykitty, I'm glad that worked for your family and thank you for replying.

Th ething about being a survivor means you are a winner. You'r a strong man or woman who has survived despite what has happened and what you have gone through. So the word survivor means all of that already.
Survivors are Heros. They've endured such a horriffic violation of their body, mind and soul and have survived:)

Amph

[PrettyKitty1]

Well, I have to disagree with you on the last thing you said. But we can agree to disagree. To me, surviving an event doesn't mean you're a winner until you decide that your life will not be guided/affected by what happened. The day you take control, stop feeling insecure, live again and feel like a normal human being, I'd say that's when you've become a real winner, because your actions will no longer be a result of your past experience, like Rach's case, who survived, but whose life has turned into a living hell as a consequence of what happened. The day Rach beats anorexia and all other emotional issues, that day Rach will have become a winner. And yes, Rach may need therapy; talk to a family member or to a complete stranger walking at the park, but Rach also needs to find inner strength, motivation and will power to move ahead in life, since Rach obviously got stuck in time.

You do have a great point when you mentioned some family members not being supportive. My cousin's mom beat her up after finding out. My grandma, however, as well as the rest of the family gave her comfort, support, and confidence to face life. That's how she moved on. Hopefully, her story can help Rach move on, too.

[Amphitrite]

But here's where I feel insulted as a survivor, and by this mean no rudeness or anything. I'm just telling you how I feel from a survivors point of view.
And I can't speak for every survivor but the ones I know also feel similarly as I do.

If you survive a fire say, you wen't through a terrifying traumatic experience and came out of it alive.
As a survivor of abuse it's similar but much different. Not only did we come out alive, thank God (as some/too many don't either in childhood orlater on in life if they sommit suicide as my sister did? Were still here, getting up ever morning, goung to work, going to therapy, healing, talking baout our experiences which helps empower us as evertime we talk about something we wer ethreatend not to talk about so lived in silence we are winning, we are overcoming.

When it comes to being a survivor of abuse you don't have to be free of it's effects on your life to be a winner.
We can have goals and marriages and families and love our families and still have effects of the ebuse in our lives.

You cannpt heal the effects of abuse over night. It infact takes years at times to work through all that happened and how it's effected your life.
For many of us this was done in childhood so we were to be quite had no where to turn or talk to. This was inside of us for decades and being that young our abuser taught us how to see ourselves and how relationsips are to be. That means alot of different things to alot of different people. Some growing up become promisques, others completely retract from any kind of untamacy.

To name all the damaging effects of child abuse would jus take forever. From having to go to the doctor like a gyno and having that cause a flashback, to having PTSD. PTSD is also not a mental illness but a label to discribe a mirade of symptoms experienced post trauma. You';; mostly have heard about PTSD from the war vets when they came home.

Child abuse is teh most hannous of crimed. It's taking innocence and goodness from a child, when the child doesn't know any better.
And it's effects as far reaching and devestating and most times the effects lasting through adulthhod if not delt with.

You don't get over being abused. You don't just move on and healing isn't the same healing like for instance a broken arm or even a depressive disorder. Healing for abuse survivors means many different things.

But we're not abnormal, unfuctional, losers(which is the opposite of a winner..a loser) Were strong, surviving human beings with goals and families and husbands and jobs and passions. It just so happen we struggle with a devestating trauma that was done to us and the process of healing that trauma is long and complicated. Bit even as someone just starting to deal with the bause, let alone th ehealing process. I still have loves in life. I still love tp pain and draw and watch a special movie with my husband..I still love to ;play with my cats and read and I still have goa;s.

I may not accomplish those goals for a while but that doesn't mean until I do I'm a loser and not a winner. Or I'm abnormal or sick. Well, I am sick with a bladder disease whicg causes such severe pain equal to cancer and the quality of life of those with this disease is equal to end stage renal failure.

So I'm dealing with double the issues including family issues and the fact that I'm not ready to be intimate woth mu husband yet.

But on top of that. I still get up in the morning. I still look at myself in the mirror and smile most days..at least when I can stand. And I still day dream and have goals with my illness.

I'm my eyes and in most survivors eyes, were already winners and heros, were survivors and can made it though somethimg most can never even imagine, and because of that we pocess life skills that most people will never learn(sorry anna-had to steal that from ya:) )

Even someone who's abuse has effected their job(like mine as I'm in the mnetal health field and because of my phisical illness) or just don't feel right now that they can work, or have devestating PYSD, are stuck a home because if fear...no matter the case no matter the hard time someones having. Everytime they log on and reach out for help. Everytime they go to a session with their therapist, everytime they call a friend for support...no matter if they're just feeling down, feel overwhelmed or feel suicidal, they're still winning and still winners.

And that's why on thisI respectfully say I accot agree to disagree because it's such an inportant part of being a survivor to know how strong you are and know that your wanting to reach out for help makes you a winner.

Sorry, but again respectfully it's npt something I can agree to disagree on. It's an important part of the process.
And I;ve had a few breakdowns here. I have PTSD, I'm on xanax, ambien(lunesta) celexa and buspar.
And I'm still a strong winner that's not a loser. But I hope you will take into account what your hearing from survivors of child abuse as it is our lives we're living. I'd be very happy and open to sharing our thoughts and feelings, reseach and all. But you's have to be open to maybe changing your perspective of survivors as your family members situation was different than some other survivors and visa versa.

Abuse is abuse and it's devestating and traumatizing in any form. But being sexually, emotionally and mentally abused as a little girl carries with it different effects when a woman is raped at an older age like teens or even older. That is not to take anything from your family member because raps is absolutly devestatingly wrong and traumatic. But children who started their lives out being abused and that how they were taught and had to keep it a secret have many years of trauma to content with.

I hope I'm making sense because as I said abuse is abuse. And it's all devestating, traumatizing and wrong and not any survivors fault. But different kinds of abuse do factually cause different kinds of effects, like symptoms of sexual abuse are different than that of emotional abuse. And child abuse symptoms are different than a rape survivor at an older age.
So healing is different for everyone, it's effects are different for everyone, even each curvivir of the same kind of abuse.

But no matter what were all winner and strong women/men everday we decide to get out of bed, reach out for help even if were in crisis and not able to work of be ntimate with out spouses.
Effects of abuse and whether they're cative or not is not always an indication of healing versus not healing.

I hope you runderstand what I'm trying to say and hope you know when I say different kinds of abuse cause different kinds of effects on someones life, even if two people experience the same kinds of abuse that I'm not taking abything away from how strong your family member is in just being a srurvivor.

Respectfully, amph

[Amphitrite]

Oh I alsp forgot to mention in my novel:) That most of us who've been abused in childhood experience being revictimized. For me that's involved being ohysically abused by a boyfrend(my first) who later help a gun to my head when he became an officer, I was molested when I was anout 13 or 14 and again in HS by another student who used to follow me into the basement where I had a class when I was walking alone he'd pull me into the corner and refuse to let me go until I let hm touch me. When I yelled for help one day all a teacher did was tell us to get to class. And no matter which was I walked how many friends i had with me or how many times I would cut class he's always find me alone at some point when no one was around. And still because of the child bause and being molested and physiclaly abused I felt I couldn't do anything esoecially after I yelled for help and no one helped or came and he just laughed and told me everyone thought I was fat but he liked me anyway and he's the only one so I better get used to it or no one would ever want me.

So as most of us aare revistimized and haven;t delt with the abuse as children we become more and more effected and those bad feelings we have about ourselves in these cases sometimes just get valudated.

Ittakes alot of untangeling, learning to cope in healthy ways and then moving twords teh healing oricess when we;re ready.
Because in childhood without the cognitive abilities adults have to cope with feelings we don't have that same ability so many times repress the buase or turn to other coping skills early in life like drugs and alcogol, cutting, eating disorders..etc.

One experience alone of such trauma can cause any of thses issues. Sexual abuse is a very serious and devestating trauma to learn to cope with and heal from.'
So many women survivirs of sexual abuse become sex workers and get into bad crowds like gangs in hopes to find a place to belong and feel loved.

I mean it's a subject that can be talked about forever when it comes to using the term survivor and what it means.

No ones ever a loser, no matter what they;re goung through.

I guess we'll call this my second chapter:)

[margypops]

There is also a forum here on Medhelp for people with eating disorders you may get some good feedback there

[margypops]

Apologys I see you have joined the eating disorders Forum,

[PrettyKitty1]

I am aware of the fact that the healing process does not happen overnight.  Trust me, I am. Like I said, I have been living with a person who was abused still a virgin and who had to go to many doctors to be tested for many, many health diseases. She got infected with an STD, and she had to be on meds and treatment for a long time. Trust me, I know everything involved in these cruel acts. I may not have been through it myself, but I know how much it affects the victim and the family of the victim, myself included.  

A winner is a person who fights to overcome obstacles. You are not just a winner by staying alive because it could be that the abuser spared your life. Are you a winner because your life was spared? No, you just happened to be “lucky” that day in the sense that you’re somebody decided that you could keep living. This isn’t the concept of a winner, and I’m sorry if I am offending you.. Not my intention, though. A winner is a person who, after facing barriers, is able to destroy them and be in control once again. Notice I am not saying a winner is a person who overcome obstacles overnight. Please, after what I went through with my cousin I KNOW for FACT that some things can’t be controlled and need to be worked on, like fear, shame, sadness, frustration. My cousin would start crying out of nothing at all. My cousin feared getting out of the house for years. My cousin had to quit her job. Her whole life turned into a living hell, and I was there all along, and my life turned into a living hell as well because like I said, those things tend to affect the family, too. Of course, each case is different.

I just gotta say this, some people do not get the chance to decide whether they want to have sex or not. They just are forced to have it and that should never happen to anyone. It’s just cruel and despicable. But dwelling in it years and years and years after it happened will not help you become a better individual. I am not saying it’s easy because it isn’t. I should know. I was heavily involved in the process with my cousin and it is the saddest experience of my life. I cried, I screamed, I felt her frustration when she cried on my shoulders, I wanted to KILL the guy who did this to her. But none of that helps you step ahead. Living and dwelling in the past will not make you stronger. Yes, seek help, professional and emotional help. Do whatever it takes to help yourself live again. Be in control again, and by this I mean get rid of any abusive man/woman in your life. Abused people tend to attract abusers, but being in control of your life also entitles you getting rid of them, and be more selective next time you are about to be involved in another relationship. It’s not easy, I know, but nothing in life, if you notice, is easy.

If there have been success stories, why can’t more people in this forum have them? Feeling victimized is part of being a human being; but observe that it will never, never lead you to become an individual capable of owning your acts.

Any ways, the OP is seeking advice, and this is what I have to say and I’ll say it from the bottom of my heart: Talk about it, just do it, and seek help for the other disorders that you have as a consequence of what happened to you. These disorders can be treated and you can be successful at it. Living like this is part of dwelling in the past. Talk to a professional. Set therapy sessions and just vent. Venting will help you feel better. The more you do it the better you’ll feel. And work, step by step, to throw away your old life. You’ll know when you’re ready to start a brand new day!!!!  Good Luck, and God bless you.

All is well.

PK

[PrettyKitty1]

Oh, and I never said abused people are losers. And, yes, if you dwell in the past, see yourself as a victim all your life and don't do something to fight it then you're not a winner of life.

[teko]

I concurr with yoou totally.  I would like to see survivors come here and share with the ones that are just beginning the process of healing/coping, how they got as far as they have and how.  To show them that this is not a life sentence. Try to remember the whole world is not evil, try to see good in all you can. It helps, it really does.a

[PrettyKitty1]

Teko, you could not have said it any better. Thank you!

[teko]

I appologise sweetie, the above post was to you. I hope you learn to talk about your experiences soon. It is very hard at first. But does get easier with time. And it does help. It also helps to find the beauty in life where you can. It keeps you going when you think you cannot go on. Hugs

[Rach878]

Thank you all for your help. I can see that each of you have a  different perspective, and i appriciate your honesty. I haven't been able to seek help, until now. I have let my past take over my life, in the form of my negatibe coping stratigies, and i'm trying to get help for them. I like Amphitrite, have also had abusive boyfriends. I just didn't know it when we first got together. So for right know i've been trying very hard to stay single.

It was a member of my family. So the rest of my family didn't turn there back on me, but i have felt a difference. My mom defends what my abuser did. One of my brothers acts like it was no big deal, and i'm overreacting. My dad doesn't say anything, and my grandmothe blames me.

So from all that i tend to blame myself for what happened, and for the way my abuser's life turned out. He dropped out of school, has no money, 5 kids. I just can't help sometimes but feel that it's my fault for telling.

I do have a theripist, and i have been to an eating disorder center, to try to get a hold on that. I just don't know how to start talking about the abuse, which is what everyone says i need to do.

Anyway, thank you all so much for listening, and talking. I really appriciate it.
Rachel

[AnnaE]

You can always pm any of us. Check the health pages. There are forums all over the Internet. You need to do what you need, May I suggest a group? If yoou get a good form, it can fill some of the needs of a group. Group can speed up your healed feelings, because they validate the good things about healing. When we heal, our positive feelings come back an replace some of the negative feelings from the abuse

We know that it was not our fault
We know we can heal
We know that others care
We know that survivors have common feelings

We know that 4 of 5 women are abused, so wr must be very careful, but that love is possible for us. Love and whatever our goals are. I have realized all of this, through a lot of work i=and caring. You can find a place that matter to you.

Through difficulty, do not feel reluctant to seek help. You have received a lot of supportive answers here.

Another thing that has helped me is committment--to my daughter, no matter what she does, to my students--to listen carefully to their needs; to survivors--to help them get what they need; even to the envronment and animals. To the others I love--togive them my best, and to let them feel free, too.

[AnnaE]

Your question is so valuable. I know you have helped others by asking it. Helping others is also how we heal.

[Rach878]

Thank you for being so encourageing. I wasn't sure when i first posted the question that it was a good idea, but know i feel better about it.

[AnnaE]

Have you talked to your doctor about meds?

[PrettyKitty1]

Amph, you are missing my point. You are very focused on your own problems and issues. I am not talking about you being a loser. You are over sensitive and this fact is blinding you and keeping you from what I’m trying to portray. My point was to Rach. You did what you could with your life, to move on and that’s fine. Rach, however, got stuck in a very obscure place and she needs help. You don’t appreciate it? I could care less, honestly, because you are not the one asking for help.  I will not respond back at any of your comments to me. You don’t make sense. You misinterpret my comments and I feel like I’m wasting my time trying to explain to you my point when I should be directing my comments to Rach, not you. You are obviously trying to start a nasty argument and I am not for that hun. You said you cut yourself recently. Well, go get better, then come back and keep looking for someone to contradict. I told you we could agree to disagree, but if you can’t be civil about it then it’s your loss. I don’t agree with you. I don’t agree with your point. Don’t try and force me to agree with you, please. I am not a survivor, you’re right, but you have absolutely no idea what I’ve been through with a person who survived and won in life because she moved on. So, carry on…

Rach, I am sorry I deviated from the original subject. I should have ignored Amph’s comments. I wish you all the luck in this world. I am sorry this happened to you, and I hope to hear back from you with updates

[AnnaE]

Your question is one of the best in the world. We teach children to talk about feelings, so they can feel secure and loved. Adults have to learn this sometime, or re-learn it.
I listen to my daughter these days and let her say whatever she wants. She's big now, but she does not need a censor--not from her mother.

Also, take care of your body and mind through vitamins and supplements, exercise as appropriate, socializing however you can, and through appreciating beauty through children, flowers, animal, art, museums, parks, writing, reading, etc.

[AnnaE]

I am not religious, but I am intensely spiritual. Prayer is very powerful. It is similar to love.

[momagain59]

Rach878
"So from all that i tend to blame myself for what happened, and for the way my abuser's life turned out. He dropped out of school, has no money, 5 kids. I just can't help sometimes but feel that it's my fault for telling."
Don't ever take on the responsibility for what happened to your abusers life. He has alot more than he deserves to have in my opinion. He made many choices in life to be where he is now. He also made a choice in life to do what he did to you and obviously he was a loser before he abused you. Please put the guilt where it belongs, on his head and shoulders. You should have told, I wish that I would've told when it happened to me. Please try to ignore ignorant comments for others. What I have learned to do is, if it is negative I ignore it, if it is positve, I listen with all my heart and sole. I am so glad that you are looking for help and you are only 18. You have so much ahead of you to look forward to. I hope you do not have to be around your abuser. It helps to keep as much physical distance from them as possible. Thanks for sharing your story.

[PrettyKitty1]

My intention is not to upset anybody.
Why would I give the attitude of a person who knows it all. When did I say I am knowledgeable or an expert on the subject? I was merely trying to give Rach a word of advice based on what I went through with a close family member, who is also a survivor. I am not saying survivors are losers. I never mentioned such word. My comment about being a winner was directed to Rach, not Amph.  My comment was based on the fact that she is facing other issues as a consequence of what happened to her. I said if she wanted to move on she needed to seek help for those issues she is facing (which include cutting herself and eating disorders)

I have come to this forum because I can relate to many of you, because I have cried and suffered the actions of a terrible person who decided to take advantage of a girl who is more than a sister to me. My entire family was crushed. I had to go seek professional help myself because my grades in school, my relationship with my friends, the way I saw myself changed of how hard it affected me. Perhaps you have never heard of a family member being affected by the sufferings of her cousin, but I had to go to the Psychologist for months and be and stay on meds because I was having nightmares and could not sleep. I witnessed horrible things while my house was falling to pieces and my dad was abusing me and my mother emotionally. I have never been sexually abused, but I have felt a survivor's pain and I have seen how she grew out of it and I wanted to share it with Rach so she sees the world isn't always a dark place to live in. Please, ask first before thinking I am an ignorant. If you have anything to say to me, I'll be more than glad to discuss it. It's better than just assuming something.

My intention is not to hurt. I am not trying to accomplish anything here. I just wanted to help her. To me, nobody is a loser. I never said that word. My comments about winning something was to try and motivate her to keep seeking help and try and be strong. I'm glad she appreciates it.

[lonewolf07]

This is a question so please think before jumping all over me.  Isn't the goal surviving and moving from there to "living" - really living?  Personally, I want more than survival I want a life - MY life.

[PrettyKitty1]

That was my whole point here, which happened to be misunderstood.

[lonewolf07]

PK - although I am a nerd, I use small words (no offense to anyone).

[PrettyKitty1]

LOL yeah yeah. I wish I could have found your words before. I would have saved time!

[Amphitrite]

Fine..were not winners of life...have it your way. Who cares.

I won't be coming on this forum anymore. It's just not a safe place for me to express what I've been through. Because that's empoering you knpw..talking about it. It's not easy and we were silenced so talking baout it doesn't make us victims or being stuck in the past it empowers us and helps us move forward.
But I'll find another way, because this forum isn't safe to me

[margypops]

Hi Rach I hope you found some good information here and ignored the rest of it, this happens a lot but you have to glean the helpful advice from the other stuff ,there are other forums can help you also, I have had a family member who was abused by a relative and it tore the Family apart ,to this day most of us suffer  the consequences,I have learnt to live with it, and try to help here as a therapy for myself and compassion for others who have been through it, I did not personally suffer Physical abuse when I was a child ,but lived all my life seeing my wonderful mother go through it, she never escaped either, she put up with it, I try to encourage other Women like her to seek help and get away from it to start their lives afresh.To this day I am an insomniac still waiting for him to come home late at night and start yelling at her, Come back Rach there are good people who want to hear you, dont be put off.

[teko]

Rach, I think I have experienced similar events that you speak of. I no what you are feeling. Nothing is your fault but at the same time how can you turn off the love of a family member, right? When you are feeling iverwhelmed, come here. You can pm any of us if you prefer. We here, are all at different phases of healing and all have something to offer you. Take what helps you and leave the rest. You are young, you have the whole world in front of you.



Amp- You are valuable as well as pk and anne and whoever else has imput. There are different views that come with .unique experiences. No one is right or wrong. Just different. I hope you stay. PK you to are right.

[April2]

Hi Rach, I hope you don't mind me posting here.I was drawn to your post because of the cutting. My daughter used to cut herself. Before that, I had never even heard of cutting. I had to educate myself real fast. We, too, got her into counseling. For the longest time she wouldn't talk to the counselor. We knew we'd just have to give it time for her to learn to trust him. I loved this counselor because he really did care about her and our whole family. I could even call him on his cell phone after duty hours when I need to and there were times I needed to!
Finally, we found out through the counseling that she had been molested by some neighborhood boys. She also had a boyfriend at 14 who talked her into sex way before she was ready. She cried and cried over that. We all were devastated because she was our little girl and we tried to protect her but somehow this happened, even as protective as we were. She also was bullied all through middle school by a group of girls. I never knew because she never told us these things. If we had known we would have stepped in sooner and got her that help she needed.
She had a lot of anger and depression bottled up in her and she wasn't letting it out. She started cutting and hurting herself because of all the pain she felt inside.
We felt so helpless. I was on my knees a lot for that girl! But God was good and brought my daughter back from the brink. After going through this for 3 years we finally saw her turn around. In her case, she went to a youth retreat and was touched by God. She came back changed. She's never cut herself or needed anti-depressants since. She has more peace now. I have a different kid.
But for awhile there, it was bad, real bad.
I found out, through trial and error that counseling works best with CBT and DBT therapy. The DBT especially is good for cutters. The DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) was originally started by a psychologist who was trying to help people with borderline personality disorder but discovered that this therapy also worked quite well for cutters, too. It's similar to the CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) in that it helps teach you how to recognize your emotions, feelings and thoughts and how to find ways to handle them without hurting yourself. If you don't have a therapist who's doing this yet, I'd strongly advise finding one who does. It really does help! And yes, it does help to talk about it and get it out in the open. We used a Christian counselor who happened to be trained in CBT because of our faith. Most therapists do have training in CBT but not all do in DBT.
I want you to know there is hope. If you could have seen my daughter a year ago and how she is now, you'd be amazed. She went through a lot, more than any kid should but she now says that all of that has made her who she is today and already wants to help other teens who are hurting. I would never want to go through all of that again but I'm so grateful for how she has turned out. You can get through this. Just take one step at a time. Keep going to therapy and have hope. Prayer helped a lot with us, too. I don't know what your beliefs are but it played a huge role with us.
Take care, Sweetie. I think you already took that first step in coming here and seeking help. You are on the right road. Please come back any time and talk to us. We all would love to hear back from you and help in any way we can.
God bless you,
April

[April2]

Ps. Please be patient with yourself. Cutting is an addictive behavior and can take time to overcome. Don't beat yourself up if it seems to take longer than you'd like. Just take one day at a time, one step at a time and celebrate each day that you get through without cutting! If you fall back, again don't beat yourself up, just get back up and try again. You can do this. I have faith! Take care, Sweetie. Write me any time if you need to talk.

[lonewolf07]

When I re-read this thread that old Kenny Rogers song, "The Gambler" kept popping into my head.  One of the lines of that song was, "every hand's a winner and every hand's a loser and the best thing we can hope for is to die in our sleep".  I'm not advocating dying in our sleep but I am trying, in a nerdy way, to say that we are all dealt a "hand" in life, just like a "hand" in a poker game.  We can make our particular "hand" a winner (or a loser) despite horrific obstacles but we, ourselves, as human beings are not losers.  The Almighty doesn't make "losers" but He sure does put us through the wringer.  Just the fact that you have posted here makes me thing - my opinion only - that you/we are all on the healing and survival path and reclaiming OUR lives and fu** anyone (pardon my French) who has messed us up or tries to mess us up again.  I didn't really see that type of thing on this thread.  IMHO our pain often makes us interpret things incorrectly.  If I had a penny for every time I've done that, I'd be richer than Donald Trump.

[lonewolf07]

PS:  I think I've digressed here - it was unintentional.

[Rach878]

Thank you for all your help everyone. I have meds already, and i have done some DBT work. I also have my first appointment with an ed theripist next week.
Thanks everyone i'm in school so i can't really leave a long reply i'll get back on later

[AnnaE]

Great. Thanks for telling us.

[teko]

It sounds like you are making all the contacts. Keep in touch especially when you need to vent and let us know how you are doing and remember, if you are not comfortable putting info on the forum, you can always pm anyone on here. All of us are here for you.

[MJIthewriter]

I'm just a stranger dropping by on this thread.  I came across this song. I don't know if it is good or not, but it may be worth listening to, unless you think it may cause more harm:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEGoHi5HDn0

[AnnaE]

A fascinating artist, Plumb. See her Damaged and Boys don't Cry.

Damaged could be a trigger, but it is overall good, Touching--it's about sexual abuse.

View with caution.

[Rach878]

Hi. I"m comfortable about putting things on.  I have therapy today, and i want to start talking about it, i just don't know. I'm worried i'll say to much, or that i'll start and want to keep going before my time is up. Really i don't know where to start. I mean do you start with the first time it happened? Or anywhere? I mean i remember a lot of what happened, but i'm not sure how to put it into words.
By the way MJthewriter, the song was good. i liked it.

[MJIthewriter]

I like that song. Even though I'm not a cutter, I have struggled with self abuse throughout my life. Thankfully I haven't had an outburst lately.  When I hear that song it puts me in a contemplative mood.

The general theme I see here, I see with myself. We are full of emotions. Emotions are like matter.  Matter cannot be destoryed. It has to go somewhere. The emotions have to come out somehow.  No matter what the cause or how deep the emotions, we each are trying to find some way to cope with those emotions.

Sometimes these emotions brush on each other and rub eachother the wrong way.  It's part of the process. It's part of the healing process.  Maybe if we can be a little more patient, maybe we can grow together.

[MJIthewriter]

I mean energy. Emotions are like energy. Energy cannot be destroyed. It has to go somewhere.

[teko]

Glad to hear yyou are comfortable here. I have to work today but will touch base with you later today. I hope you have a wonderful day. The sun is shining here and I love to listen to the birds over coffee in the morning. I gotta go earn money for uncle sam.lol

[AnnaE]

Those are comforting thoughts. Thank you.

[AnnaE]

Say what you are comfortable with, no matter what. I might indicate that I hurt, and that I want to feel better. I would talk about how you feel about your parents interfering with your theraoy, so that can stop.

Just suggestions. You do what is right for you. I will think about you.

Anna

[faithfulchild]

I am not much older than you and I was physically, sexually, emotionally, and verbally abused almost all through my childhood and even as an adult by multiple persons, including family members. The last incident took place four years ago when I was raped by a teacher and remained in a relationship with him because he said he would kill me if I leave him or tell anyone about what he  was doing. I thought and felt that (at the time) that I deserved it and that God was punishing me. I had no one to turn to for help and I could not afford therapy. I was suicidal and pretty much a wreck on an emotional roller coaster.

One day I realized that if I didn't take my life in my own hands then I would forever be at the mercy of those abusers (even when they stopped).

When I looked at that man that hurt me the last time, I decided that it will be the last time. I stood up to him and told him that we have come to the end of that chapter in my life. When he ranted and threatened to kill me..I told him to go ahead because I would rather die than to live my life that way anymore and I walked away without looking back. Hell yes I was terrified but I was more terrified of the future that I saw with him.

Nightmares were not strange to me by then. They followed me throughout my childhood into my adult life. I can’t even remember a night without them until a few years ago. Waking up with my cloth soaked by perspiration, having out of body experiences, sometimes being fully aware of my surroundings but unable to move because my entire body was paralyzed for no good reason, scared even to go outside, being frightened at every sound around me, being terrified when someone shouts or gets mad at me, having all sorts of intrusive thoughts about things that might happen to me if I talk...these were just to name a few.

I am not looking for sympathy or trying to draw attention to myself. I am here to tell you that I am ok now. It was a long and winding road to get where I am now but I am ok. I got here because God helped to get here and because I fight like hell to live. When I left that man I went to God and He began to reveal things to me through dreams and His words. That is how I got my confidence and from then on it was war between who I was and who I wanted to be. God showed me in dreams what I would be and confirmed them through His words and His servants.  That gave me hope.

I remember the first time I stood up to that man in my nightmare. There was always this huge dark man/creature that was always overpowering me and hurting me in my dreams. I was always running and hiding and he was always finding me. The effects of it were so real that physically it was as if he was in my room when I was awake. One night before I went to sleep I prayed and ask the Lord to give me the strength to stand up to him and to alert me when it was time. He came that night in a rage "You cannot hide, I own you and you will never be free of me" and he launched out to grab me….I don’t know how but somehow I stood up and look him straight in the eyes and shouted “In the name of Jesus, You may not touch me. “ and he stopped. I said “I belong to God now and you do not have the authority to touch me anymore. In the name of Jesus be gone from my life forever’’ then I woke up. I never saw him again in my dreams.

I do have troublesome dreams now and then but it’s usually of things to come. I know people might twist this and say that I am trying to force religion on people but I am not. I am just trying to tell people one of the ways that I got from there to here.
I don’t know how you see yourself this very moment but I can tell you that before you begin this journey into healing, you must first see your self-worth and find that inner strength to pull yourself up. People will try as they may, but they cannot always be there for you. You should know by now that it isn’t when people are around that you fall apart. It is when you are alone and no one sees you. That is when the walls come crashing in and you are at your weakest point. That is when you will try anything to keep those distressing thoughts and feelings away.

You have to decide for yourself if your life is worth fighting for and the price you are willing to pay to heal. Your price has been very high and very demanding. You have to learn to encourage yourself and to restrain yourself against the odds. You will behind to talk when you have come to the realization that you have nothing to be ashamed about and every reason to be proud of  who you are. Not easy? Who said anything about it being easy? I am here if you ever want to talk to someone or need prayer.



Love and blessings

[teko]

How was therepy today! First ones can be tuff. We be prayin and thinkin of you. Hugs

[AnnaE]

Yes. Have confidence that you are no longer defenseless. You should be very proud of yourself.

[Rach878]

Therepy was ok. We didn't really talk about the abuse from my family member, we started talking about the relationships i've put myself in that have simulated that abuse. She asked me why i wear baggy clothes. I couldn't really think of a reason. Then she brought to my attention why. One to hide the way i look because i'm ashamed of it, Two because i don't want anyone to find me attractive. I don't want anyone to think of me in any sort of sexual way. That's what lead to our disscussion. But i thought it was a good place to start. Not hiting the really hard stuff right away, but maybe finding a good place to ease into it.

I see some very common things in myself and you, faithfulchild. i know exactly what you mean about bad dreams. i"ve had them for as long as i can remember. I know what your saying about god maybe being able to help me, however ever since i was abused, i have a hard time believing in god. I mean i know there must be something out there, but if god is so good then why did he let this happen. And not just to me, to you,and everyone else on this site. I want to believe, that something in the universe greater than myself will give me strength. I just have a hard time with it.

[AnnaE]

I thought the same way. So I approach spirituality as a mystery, a paradox. I don't believe in religion for that reason and the fact that I was emotionally abused by nuns and priest have greatly turned me off religion. I also have extensive religious training and it taught me to be skeptical. Faithful child believes, and this belief helps her.

I believe in spirituality. I do not believe that we should deny ourselves this. Prayer, just hoping and asking for goodness for all, is very comforting for me.

I am explaining this because I want you to have the most comfort possible. I understand perfectly how you feel.

In high fashion, baggy is in.

[Rach878]

Thanks