How do you start talking about it?

[Rach878]

Hello, i am new to this forum. I joined the eating disorder forum in Dec. and thought that this would be a good one to join too. I am 18 now, when i was 6-9 i was sexually/physically abused by a family memeber. Since then i have formed very negative coping stratiges, like cuting, burning, bulimia, anorexia, and suicide attempts. I have been in several hospitals, and i've been in therepy for 4 years. However i could never bring myself to talk about the abuse. I am know at a point in my life where i want to change, but everyone keeps telling me the way to help change all my neg. behaviors is to talk about the abuse, since that triggered them. The only problem is i have no idea how to talk about it or where to start. I was hoping someone would have some suggestions.
Thanks

[Rach878]

Thanks

[AnnaE]

I thought the same way. So I approach spirituality as a mystery, a paradox. I don't believe in religion for that reason and the fact that I was emotionally abused by nuns and priest have greatly turned me off religion. I also have extensive religious training and it taught me to be skeptical. Faithful child believes, and this belief helps her.

I believe in spirituality. I do not believe that we should deny ourselves this. Prayer, just hoping and asking for goodness for all, is very comforting for me.

I am explaining this because I want you to have the most comfort possible. I understand perfectly how you feel.

In high fashion, baggy is in.

[Rach878]

Therepy was ok. We didn't really talk about the abuse from my family member, we started talking about the relationships i've put myself in that have simulated that abuse. She asked me why i wear baggy clothes. I couldn't really think of a reason. Then she brought to my attention why. One to hide the way i look because i'm ashamed of it, Two because i don't want anyone to find me attractive. I don't want anyone to think of me in any sort of sexual way. That's what lead to our disscussion. But i thought it was a good place to start. Not hiting the really hard stuff right away, but maybe finding a good place to ease into it.

I see some very common things in myself and you, faithfulchild. i know exactly what you mean about bad dreams. i"ve had them for as long as i can remember. I know what your saying about god maybe being able to help me, however ever since i was abused, i have a hard time believing in god. I mean i know there must be something out there, but if god is so good then why did he let this happen. And not just to me, to you,and everyone else on this site. I want to believe, that something in the universe greater than myself will give me strength. I just have a hard time with it.

[AnnaE]

Yes. Have confidence that you are no longer defenseless. You should be very proud of yourself.

[teko]

How was therepy today! First ones can be tuff. We be prayin and thinkin of you. Hugs

[faithfulchild]

I am not much older than you and I was physically, sexually, emotionally, and verbally abused almost all through my childhood and even as an adult by multiple persons, including family members. The last incident took place four years ago when I was raped by a teacher and remained in a relationship with him because he said he would kill me if I leave him or tell anyone about what he  was doing. I thought and felt that (at the time) that I deserved it and that God was punishing me. I had no one to turn to for help and I could not afford therapy. I was suicidal and pretty much a wreck on an emotional roller coaster.

One day I realized that if I didn't take my life in my own hands then I would forever be at the mercy of those abusers (even when they stopped).

When I looked at that man that hurt me the last time, I decided that it will be the last time. I stood up to him and told him that we have come to the end of that chapter in my life. When he ranted and threatened to kill me..I told him to go ahead because I would rather die than to live my life that way anymore and I walked away without looking back. Hell yes I was terrified but I was more terrified of the future that I saw with him.

Nightmares were not strange to me by then. They followed me throughout my childhood into my adult life. I can’t even remember a night without them until a few years ago. Waking up with my cloth soaked by perspiration, having out of body experiences, sometimes being fully aware of my surroundings but unable to move because my entire body was paralyzed for no good reason, scared even to go outside, being frightened at every sound around me, being terrified when someone shouts or gets mad at me, having all sorts of intrusive thoughts about things that might happen to me if I talk...these were just to name a few.

I am not looking for sympathy or trying to draw attention to myself. I am here to tell you that I am ok now. It was a long and winding road to get where I am now but I am ok. I got here because God helped to get here and because I fight like hell to live. When I left that man I went to God and He began to reveal things to me through dreams and His words. That is how I got my confidence and from then on it was war between who I was and who I wanted to be. God showed me in dreams what I would be and confirmed them through His words and His servants.  That gave me hope.

I remember the first time I stood up to that man in my nightmare. There was always this huge dark man/creature that was always overpowering me and hurting me in my dreams. I was always running and hiding and he was always finding me. The effects of it were so real that physically it was as if he was in my room when I was awake. One night before I went to sleep I prayed and ask the Lord to give me the strength to stand up to him and to alert me when it was time. He came that night in a rage "You cannot hide, I own you and you will never be free of me" and he launched out to grab me….I don’t know how but somehow I stood up and look him straight in the eyes and shouted “In the name of Jesus, You may not touch me. “ and he stopped. I said “I belong to God now and you do not have the authority to touch me anymore. In the name of Jesus be gone from my life forever’’ then I woke up. I never saw him again in my dreams.

I do have troublesome dreams now and then but it’s usually of things to come. I know people might twist this and say that I am trying to force religion on people but I am not. I am just trying to tell people one of the ways that I got from there to here.
I don’t know how you see yourself this very moment but I can tell you that before you begin this journey into healing, you must first see your self-worth and find that inner strength to pull yourself up. People will try as they may, but they cannot always be there for you. You should know by now that it isn’t when people are around that you fall apart. It is when you are alone and no one sees you. That is when the walls come crashing in and you are at your weakest point. That is when you will try anything to keep those distressing thoughts and feelings away.

You have to decide for yourself if your life is worth fighting for and the price you are willing to pay to heal. Your price has been very high and very demanding. You have to learn to encourage yourself and to restrain yourself against the odds. You will behind to talk when you have come to the realization that you have nothing to be ashamed about and every reason to be proud of  who you are. Not easy? Who said anything about it being easy? I am here if you ever want to talk to someone or need prayer.



Love and blessings

[AnnaE]

Say what you are comfortable with, no matter what. I might indicate that I hurt, and that I want to feel better. I would talk about how you feel about your parents interfering with your theraoy, so that can stop.

Just suggestions. You do what is right for you. I will think about you.

Anna

[AnnaE]

Those are comforting thoughts. Thank you.

[teko]

Glad to hear yyou are comfortable here. I have to work today but will touch base with you later today. I hope you have a wonderful day. The sun is shining here and I love to listen to the birds over coffee in the morning. I gotta go earn money for uncle sam.lol

[MJIthewriter]

I mean energy. Emotions are like energy. Energy cannot be destroyed. It has to go somewhere.

[MJIthewriter]

I like that song. Even though I'm not a cutter, I have struggled with self abuse throughout my life. Thankfully I haven't had an outburst lately.  When I hear that song it puts me in a contemplative mood.

The general theme I see here, I see with myself. We are full of emotions. Emotions are like matter.  Matter cannot be destoryed. It has to go somewhere. The emotions have to come out somehow.  No matter what the cause or how deep the emotions, we each are trying to find some way to cope with those emotions.

Sometimes these emotions brush on each other and rub eachother the wrong way.  It's part of the process. It's part of the healing process.  Maybe if we can be a little more patient, maybe we can grow together.

[Rach878]

Hi. I"m comfortable about putting things on.  I have therapy today, and i want to start talking about it, i just don't know. I'm worried i'll say to much, or that i'll start and want to keep going before my time is up. Really i don't know where to start. I mean do you start with the first time it happened? Or anywhere? I mean i remember a lot of what happened, but i'm not sure how to put it into words.
By the way MJthewriter, the song was good. i liked it.

[AnnaE]

A fascinating artist, Plumb. See her Damaged and Boys don't Cry.

Damaged could be a trigger, but it is overall good, Touching--it's about sexual abuse.

View with caution.

[MJIthewriter]

I'm just a stranger dropping by on this thread.  I came across this song. I don't know if it is good or not, but it may be worth listening to, unless you think it may cause more harm:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEGoHi5HDn0

[teko]

It sounds like you are making all the contacts. Keep in touch especially when you need to vent and let us know how you are doing and remember, if you are not comfortable putting info on the forum, you can always pm anyone on here. All of us are here for you.

[AnnaE]

Great. Thanks for telling us.

[Rach878]

Thank you for all your help everyone. I have meds already, and i have done some DBT work. I also have my first appointment with an ed theripist next week.
Thanks everyone i'm in school so i can't really leave a long reply i'll get back on later

[lonewolf07]

PS:  I think I've digressed here - it was unintentional.

[lonewolf07]

When I re-read this thread that old Kenny Rogers song, "The Gambler" kept popping into my head.  One of the lines of that song was, "every hand's a winner and every hand's a loser and the best thing we can hope for is to die in our sleep".  I'm not advocating dying in our sleep but I am trying, in a nerdy way, to say that we are all dealt a "hand" in life, just like a "hand" in a poker game.  We can make our particular "hand" a winner (or a loser) despite horrific obstacles but we, ourselves, as human beings are not losers.  The Almighty doesn't make "losers" but He sure does put us through the wringer.  Just the fact that you have posted here makes me thing - my opinion only - that you/we are all on the healing and survival path and reclaiming OUR lives and fu** anyone (pardon my French) who has messed us up or tries to mess us up again.  I didn't really see that type of thing on this thread.  IMHO our pain often makes us interpret things incorrectly.  If I had a penny for every time I've done that, I'd be richer than Donald Trump.

[April2]

Ps. Please be patient with yourself. Cutting is an addictive behavior and can take time to overcome. Don't beat yourself up if it seems to take longer than you'd like. Just take one day at a time, one step at a time and celebrate each day that you get through without cutting! If you fall back, again don't beat yourself up, just get back up and try again. You can do this. I have faith! Take care, Sweetie. Write me any time if you need to talk.

[April2]

Hi Rach, I hope you don't mind me posting here.I was drawn to your post because of the cutting. My daughter used to cut herself. Before that, I had never even heard of cutting. I had to educate myself real fast. We, too, got her into counseling. For the longest time she wouldn't talk to the counselor. We knew we'd just have to give it time for her to learn to trust him. I loved this counselor because he really did care about her and our whole family. I could even call him on his cell phone after duty hours when I need to and there were times I needed to!
Finally, we found out through the counseling that she had been molested by some neighborhood boys. She also had a boyfriend at 14 who talked her into sex way before she was ready. She cried and cried over that. We all were devastated because she was our little girl and we tried to protect her but somehow this happened, even as protective as we were. She also was bullied all through middle school by a group of girls. I never knew because she never told us these things. If we had known we would have stepped in sooner and got her that help she needed.
She had a lot of anger and depression bottled up in her and she wasn't letting it out. She started cutting and hurting herself because of all the pain she felt inside.
We felt so helpless. I was on my knees a lot for that girl! But God was good and brought my daughter back from the brink. After going through this for 3 years we finally saw her turn around. In her case, she went to a youth retreat and was touched by God. She came back changed. She's never cut herself or needed anti-depressants since. She has more peace now. I have a different kid.
But for awhile there, it was bad, real bad.
I found out, through trial and error that counseling works best with CBT and DBT therapy. The DBT especially is good for cutters. The DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) was originally started by a psychologist who was trying to help people with borderline personality disorder but discovered that this therapy also worked quite well for cutters, too. It's similar to the CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) in that it helps teach you how to recognize your emotions, feelings and thoughts and how to find ways to handle them without hurting yourself. If you don't have a therapist who's doing this yet, I'd strongly advise finding one who does. It really does help! And yes, it does help to talk about it and get it out in the open. We used a Christian counselor who happened to be trained in CBT because of our faith. Most therapists do have training in CBT but not all do in DBT.
I want you to know there is hope. If you could have seen my daughter a year ago and how she is now, you'd be amazed. She went through a lot, more than any kid should but she now says that all of that has made her who she is today and already wants to help other teens who are hurting. I would never want to go through all of that again but I'm so grateful for how she has turned out. You can get through this. Just take one step at a time. Keep going to therapy and have hope. Prayer helped a lot with us, too. I don't know what your beliefs are but it played a huge role with us.
Take care, Sweetie. I think you already took that first step in coming here and seeking help. You are on the right road. Please come back any time and talk to us. We all would love to hear back from you and help in any way we can.
God bless you,
April

[teko]

Rach, I think I have experienced similar events that you speak of. I no what you are feeling. Nothing is your fault but at the same time how can you turn off the love of a family member, right? When you are feeling iverwhelmed, come here. You can pm any of us if you prefer. We here, are all at different phases of healing and all have something to offer you. Take what helps you and leave the rest. You are young, you have the whole world in front of you.



Amp- You are valuable as well as pk and anne and whoever else has imput. There are different views that come with .unique experiences. No one is right or wrong. Just different. I hope you stay. PK you to are right.

[margypops]

Hi Rach I hope you found some good information here and ignored the rest of it, this happens a lot but you have to glean the helpful advice from the other stuff ,there are other forums can help you also, I have had a family member who was abused by a relative and it tore the Family apart ,to this day most of us suffer  the consequences,I have learnt to live with it, and try to help here as a therapy for myself and compassion for others who have been through it, I did not personally suffer Physical abuse when I was a child ,but lived all my life seeing my wonderful mother go through it, she never escaped either, she put up with it, I try to encourage other Women like her to seek help and get away from it to start their lives afresh.To this day I am an insomniac still waiting for him to come home late at night and start yelling at her, Come back Rach there are good people who want to hear you, dont be put off.

[Amphitrite]

Fine..were not winners of life...have it your way. Who cares.

I won't be coming on this forum anymore. It's just not a safe place for me to express what I've been through. Because that's empoering you knpw..talking about it. It's not easy and we were silenced so talking baout it doesn't make us victims or being stuck in the past it empowers us and helps us move forward.
But I'll find another way, because this forum isn't safe to me