Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

How much do you tell children about abuse

I am teaching a parenting class in a shelter for battered and abused women. All of the women in this class had to flee from their husbands and families due to various type of abuse. There is a very wide age range among the children; so the question is how much do we tell our children and when.
4 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
13167 tn?1327194124
Grandma,  your post is heartbreaking.  This is a problem with blended families - you state that your son "loved" his girls.  I believe that,  and it sounds like this new woman wants to close the kids off from their normal living space.  This isn't rare.

The fact that the girl pooped twice in front of the door indicates,  to me,  that she's locked in there a lot more than just overnight.  It's unusual for a child to have to poop after being put to bed for the evening at a normal bedtime and before getting up in the morning at a normal wake up time - 8 a.m. or so.

I think they're being locked in there far longer than you know.

I think you need to talk to your son in private without the girlfriend,  and let him know this is the kind of thing kids are taken into foster care for - and it is likely to come out in the open when the girl goes to school.

I'm making a lot of guesses here,  but this fits a pattern of abuse by sex partner of the parent.  Your son is so happy to have this girl in his bed that he's willing to have her abuse his children.

Best wishes.  I wonder if you are able to take them temporarily - and couch it as a "favor" to the parents?  A visit with granny during the summer for summer fun?  
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
HI there.  Regarding the question about what all to tell the kids, I suspect that most have witnessed the abuse.  I think in those cases, working with these kids is really important.  Inundating with information perhaps isn't necessary but exploring the emotions they have really is.  As well as talking about healthy patterns in relationships verses what they've witnessed.  So often, cycles repeat through the generations.  See it and eventually live it themselves is what often happens to kids who come from an abusive home life as children. Very sad.  I think that these kids are often far beyond their years in terms of what they've experienced and witnessed and allowing them outlets to talk about it is important.  I also think it is really important for the parent that left to be honest---  tell them why they left.  It sends a powerful message that we don't stay with someone who hurts us.  That we must protect ourselves and free ourselves from such situations.  

For Grandma, that is indeed sad.  Why are they locking them in?  What is their excuse?  I have heard of parents locking the door from the outside on a wandering toddler and it was in no way abuse but rather for the child's safety and so that all could get a good night's rest.  But at 5 1/2 and having to go to the bathroom at night, that is a bit much.  

Do you suspect other abuse?  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Please Help Me with my Post.

My son and his girlfriend keep their children in their room with the door locked.

They leave the door locked at night. I am so upset and at a loss. I love my son, I know he loved those girls. Those girls are my priority.

The 5 1/2 year old has recently had to urinate in the closet (which she got in trouble for hiding it). This occurred more than once. And soiled the floor in front of the door twice.

She could not wake them to unlock the door.

I just found this out this weekend. And this has tore me apart, I dont want to lose them in the system but I dont want this child to be tormented later in life thinkin of this.

Thank you!

HerGrandma
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
Children who are currently living in the shelter will surely have very fresh memories of the abusive situation and won't need to be told that they were living in an abusive home.

I would think the key would be,  answer the questions as clearly and succintly as possible,  "no,  your dad isn't going to come hurt us here",  "yes,  I'll go to court next month to finalize the divorce",  etc.

I don't think children need to be burdened with lots of additional information that they aren't asking about,  and won't help them grow up well-adjusted.
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Abuse Support Community

Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398565123
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.