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Husband takes daughter to bed
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Husband takes daughter to bed

Hi there, the other night my husband took my daughter up to bed (she sleeps with me and my baby son in a double bed) and stayed up there for an hour to nap, which he's been doing a couple nights a week for the last couple of months. Later when I went up to the room,  I noticed her pajamas were on inside out. Then I noticed her underpants and undershirt were off and were on the floor under the bed. I thought this was strange and asked him about it. He said she must've done it her self but that he doesn't remember her doing it before she went to sleep.

So he says she must've done it either right before she went to sleep while he was sleeping and didn't notice, or in her sleep (!??!). This same thing happened 2 weeks ago too! I went up and found her bottoms and underpants off after he had taken her up and he said the same thing-that she must've done it in her sleep or before she went to bed. It's just strange to me because she's never done this with me plus I had a strong gut feeling something was wrong the other night when I saw her pajamas inside out! My husband has been saying he's so angry and hurt and upset that I could even suggest something untoward happened and is calling me paranoid and crazy but I just keep saying how I have a right to question it because of how strange it seems. Anyway, I'll be taking her to bed now every night from now on.
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Avatar_m_tn
Forgot to say my daughter is 3 yrs old and I asked her the next morning what happened to her jammies and she said she didn't know and was asking how they got like that. Just curious if this seems strange to anyone else?
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1079218_tn?1297032444
Is your husband her father or stepfather?  Have you noticed any changes in her attitude or behaviour lately?  


I too have a great fear that something else might be going on there.  So no worries, but I'm a survivor of trauma.  So please take note to see even the smallest changes in her attitude.  She will become a little moody around your husband, especially if he is molesting her.  Watch as she plays with her dolls, see how she has them interact with one another.  Don't ask or push her to answer questions just watch patiently she will reveal things in her own way if she is being molested.

I know that from my own personal experience I had my boy dollies restrain my girl dollies & I would reinact the acts on them that was being done to me & no one paid attention or asked me why I was doing that with them.  Instead they told me I was getting to old to still being playing with my dollies.  I just wish they had asked themselves why I might be doing this with them instead of telling me to give up my dollies.

So please watch her carefully, she will give you a tell true tale of what is or has been going on with her in her daily life with either her dollies or some other way.  So please watch her carefully, if she starts complaining about pain when she goes potty have her checked out by the doctor & let him/her know what you're suspecting has occurred.  They will handle her differently.  

I'll lift you up in pray & hope that it isn't true.
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1032715_tn?1315987834
You have every right to question your husband about anything that is out of character or strange to you.I agree totally with MrsMacdugle just watch her and see if her behaviour changes,but don't push with too many questions.
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501792_tn?1261114706
Id have to agree with both the above. Watch your daughters behavior closely and also how your daughter interacts with her father and if her behavior twords him changes in any way.

Don't ever let anyone make you feel crazy or paranoid when it comes to the safety and well being of your child. A gut feeling should always be followed.
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Avatar_f_tn
The only thing I can say is that if this bothers you or sends up red flags, follow your gut and do not second guess yourself. Stop the nap times together and then keep an open eye.
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535822_tn?1413656274
I agree with the other posters , be aware ,sometimes we do not see what is in front of us, protect your daughter whatever it takes, go with that gut and do not leave her alone with him, best to be mistaken and him hurt than it be reality ..Good Luck
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Avatar_f_tn
I also think that you should go with your gut feeling, but i have a question do you always sleep with your children or do you sleep in a bed with your husband for the night, as i beleive that all children should have their own bed no matter what the age is    luck  jo
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535822_tn?1413656274
I also do believe that their own bed is the best however I acknowledge that sometimes especially in other countries families do sleep together, more often than not when the kid hits puberty it stops. In Italy the Family bed is very normal..I mostly think if you can work out they have their own sleeping space everyone sleeps better , more comfortably , kids do kick one heck of a lot have you noticed ,have they got some kind of children's restless leg syndrome ?LOL.
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Avatar_m_tn
He is her father. Thanks for the comments. I do feel it is strange how he has been making out that he is the victim here for being accused of this when I have been stressing I am having a normal maternal reaction to something odd.

I will continue to monitor. Yes I have been usually sleeping in the bed with her and my baby son and at this point I'm now worried about putting her in her own room away from me too!! Thanks again everyone for the help!
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535822_tn?1413656274
In this incidance I would say to you that maybe keeping her near you is a good thing ..yes he is her Father ......she is your daughter..she is 3 years old , she cant defend herself ....he can, if its innocent all is well, you wouldnt have posted here if you hadnt got that gut feeling .....good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
married couples that love each other do not sleep apart this may be part of the problem, ask your dr, about children sleeping with parents or one parent, i have seen marriages break up do to this, but now you need to watch the daughter, but hubby is going to know it and will probably leave, why not take her to a child Dr and find out what is going on    luck  jo
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511289_tn?1266177330
My daughter was 3 years old and she was at a daycare while I worked.  Whenever I would pick her up she would say her private hurt.  I would ask her to point to where and why did it hurt.  I never looked at her private part myself because I had taught my kids not to let anyone ever look or touch there even mom and dad unless they are hurting very badly.  Well she was at her fathers house the weekend before all of this started and I guess her step brother wanted to play doctor and well it went on from there.  After my daughter complaining that her privates were hurting I took her IMMEDIATELY to her doctor and he checked her and thank God there were no signs of entry.  The doctors can tell please take this chld to her doctor and explain what u think may be happening and they will get to the bottom of it.  Do not wait untill its too late.  BTW my daughter is now 11
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535822_tn?1413656274
I toitally agree, take her to the Doctor that is the only way to know what happened .
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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks again for all of the advice and support. My daughter told me that her dad was taking her pajamas off at bedtime! So for me that's enough of an admission to make me want to leave pronto. But I am worried that if I leave he could get partial custody down the line =my greatest fear. But part of me thinks he won't pursue it, so let's hope so!
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535822_tn?1413656274
Did you confront him with it, perhaps you should speak to the Doctor in case you need some proof down the road .Good Luck
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Avatar_m_tn
I talked to him about it and he still adamantly denies it and I want to believe him. We asked my daughter during the day again who takes off her jammies and today she said the dinosaurs! So it is so difficult especially since for me leaving means going to another country where they would never see their father again. So I think I would have to be pretty sure before I did that! It is also clouded by the fact that I have trust issues from my past...
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Avatar_n_tn
Please go to the doctor and get the final answers you need. Molesters that are good at it, make small victims buy into this relationship. They make them "feel special", feel good, feel scared to speak, etc. Your daughter may want to tell the truth but she may be afraid to do so. Take that option away and have her examined. If you are correct, then they should NEVER see that man again. Don't worry about leaving at that point. But you will need all the documentation to keep him away, that you can get.
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535822_tn?1413656274
You had a gut feeling now you are back tracking...thats what happens ..you are doubting that gut feeeling, all I can say to is,if you do stay do not let her out of your sight, it will happen again child abusers are sick, they do it over and over , you will damage your daughter forever if you allow that to happen. leave but if you dont be forever on your guard  not let him be alone with her..or you will also be enabling abuse ....
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319399_tn?1254535281
I agree with Mememe411,  take your daughter to the doctor and get a check up.
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Avatar_f_tn
Absolutely do not leave her with your husband, unsupervised by you.  This story sounds too disturbing to put his feelings ahead of your own gut instinct, and your daughter's safety.  She will say anything that she is told to say.  
I don't know what relationship you and your husband have but it should be you with your husband, not your daughter, and especially when she can't keep her pants on just as you put them on her.  I suspect your husband's behavior.  Keep her out of his personal space.  If he protests, then this should make you even more suspect cause he can't get to her privately.  Do everything as a family...together.
Other cultures all sleep together, mom dad and kids.  But that is not our culture and especially daddy sleeping with little daughter in a separate bedroom.  Too suspicious and disturbing.  Listen to your gut!!!!!
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1153072_tn?1262473385
Please, as a mother, I would not think twice about taking her to a doctor. I don't care how well you may think you know your husband. Their is a reason God gave us a gut feeling. Your her mother, and now that you have this feeling of doubt, you will forever think about this in your relationship with your husband...always wanting to know where hes at, what hes doing, and why your daughter and your husband are not in your sight. You need to constantly be checking on her, and wake up in the middle of the night always checking on her.  At age 3, your daughter needs to be sleeping in her own bed. Once she starts school and tells her teacher that mommy and daddy are sleeping with her, that will raise alot of red flags and eventually get you in trouble. Please if anything happens to her,she could be an emotional wreck when she gets older. and you'll forever blame yourself for not doing anything about it.
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973741_tn?1342346373
My feeling is that if a parent and in this case, her mother looks the other way-----  this child is abused by two people, not one.  That sounds harsh----  but once you've had a child, it is your duty to protect them over everything else.  

It is more common than we would like to think that one parent suspects something and continues to live with the perpetrator of such unthinkable things.  Let's now forget that the person who would committ such crimes against a child is manipulating everyone involved.  But don't fall for it.

I don't know if your husband is molesting your 3 year old.  But I would think about what type of specialist that could tell you.  A psychologist possibly or a doctor.  But penetration isn't the only kind of moletation and that is what a doctor detects.  Her actions are most likely what will tell you.  

Put a tape recorder in the room (voice activated).  Is there any possible way that she had to go potty before nap and did any of that herself?  My boys at 3 used to go potty and thought they had to take everything off----  undies and pants completely off.  Then they would redress or not.  Just a thought . . . but I wouldn't let them alone together and I would watch both like a hawk.  And if this man is doing ANYTHING sexual with your daughter----  leave.  Good luck.
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757137_tn?1347200053
Your family has very strange sleeping arrangements. Why is a 3-year old sleeping with you in the first place? I can understand the baby because they keep waking up and you are desperate to get some sleep. Also, if your bed is glutted with children where does your husband sleep?
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Avatar_f_tn
MAny mothers turn there back, do not see, block it out.  It is easier to do this than to uproot your whole life, well for some people.

Your little girl (she is a toddler really) changed her story to the dinosaurs because you asked her twice.  She told you the truth the first time.  She is very young.  Maybe there will be no signs at the Doctor because he may not actual do anything to her body by still molesting her and he may wait till she falls asleep to do this.

Please protect this child.  He has broken a taboo (i used to work in this area) he will not go back to 'no abusing'  You have to realize that for him as a father It is over now.  Leave the country, he is not a father.  A father is something completely different.  Protect this child.
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1192491_tn?1265035429
I agree with you gut feeling of what may be happeing.  Have you asked your daughter if Daddy ever touches her in inappropriate places?  She is such I child you never know what she will say.  You are her mom and must protect her.  I don't think just putting her to bed will stop any sexual abuse, he will have other chances to abuse her.  What happens in a few years when she is a teenager?  You must do something now.  Please go talk with a professional about your thoughts..go to your clergy, a therapist, your family pediatritan, you have to take action to protect her now.  If need be, go to the police.  You must protect this litte angel; it will continue if you don't act now.
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Avatar_f_tn
My 2 and a half year old son has a habit of taking his pj bottoms off just before or after he falls asleep. I put him in his bed, then when I check on him later they are off! Just a thought . .
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432097_tn?1318552340
I don't care if your husband IS upset that you are questioning him, this is your daughter your talking about.   And if you feel uncomfortable about this, then go with your gut instinct, you are probably right.  If your husband is so upset about you questioning him, then why does he continue to do it?

I would get your daughter to a doctor, and tell your husband that your daughter IS NOT taking a nap with him until you know for sure!  

I was molested and raped before age three and it lasted for years, don't let anyone, and I mean ANYONE do this to your child.  And, I'm not saying that he definitely IS doing anything, but the fact that it makes you uncomfortable and you are questioning it should be enough to make your husband stop instead of being "upset."  You need to protect your children no matter what, because I'm still in therapy about the abuse that was inflicted upon me and I'm 57 years old!!!  Don't let that happen.
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535822_tn?1413656274
I am uncertain what you are suggesting here... innermost fantasies and a daughter ???
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757137_tn?1347200053
I agree with the others on the forum that you have a very odd sleeping arrangement. You do not explain why. Are you estranged from your husband? Has he ever acted oddly with you? In any case, put the children in their own beds and make sure your daughter is never removed from hers.
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Avatar_f_tn
Clover,

I read through the posts and it seems  you may have stopped writing.  I was thinking about getting a video camera and placing it in a hiding area in your daughters room.  People do those nanny cams all the time to make sure there is no abuse.  You could get a small camera and hide it in a stuffed animal or something like that and then tape what is going on.  I really hope that your family is doing ok.  We haven't heard from you since December and we are all concerned.  Please update when you can.
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1332471_tn?1275516487
I think if you have a gut feeling about this its for a reason, someone mentioned about asking your daughter where her daddy touches her and i think thats a good idea... Does she play with dolls, if so then you could use one of her dolls and ask her too show you where daddy touches her, i feel bad for you this can not be easy at all...But you have to do something too protect her and put your mind at ease only you can solve this problem, good luck and please let us know that everything is ok.
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Avatar_m_tn
take her to her doctor to be checked for abuse its better safe than sorry. I hope all is well
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1331083_tn?1285915954
YOU need to take that baby to the doc if he hasn't hurt anything down there then it may be to late you should have taken her the second you had that feeling so the doc could see if it was red inside etc.. now if you leave and he does try to get custodyor whatever you could have had something besides you saying he took her jameis off don't worry abt anything but you and your baby he is a sick man if he is ding this and your child should NEVER have to go thru this again no matter what im sure if you love him you are making thing's up in your head like maybe this or that it sound's like it is not a maybe keep him away from her unless you are there never leave them alone ever !!!!!!! PLEASE FOR YOUR BABY'S SAKE GET OUT NOW!!
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787406_tn?1339206783
I was sexually abused for 10 years until I ran away when I was 17. I didn't tell my mother before that because he threatened my family if I told. Remember she is a small child and can be told anything to make her be quite about it. My mother didn't protect all 3 of us and chose to stand by my stepfathers side til the day he died, which has been less than a year ago. And now his real son has come forward and told us he was beat by this man at 1 and 1/2 and kidnapped from his mother and left in a tin shack where they found him and yet my mother still sticks by my stepfathers side.

What does it take for a mother to believe her child or to pay attention to what she sees and listen to her gut instincts?

My sister is 49, I am 47 and my brother is 44 and yet the pain goes on.
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535822_tn?1413656274
I am so sorry Iris this happened to your family , you say he is dead now , time to put it away, think occasionally but do not dwell on it, it is our thoughts that can make us feel bad. I hope your life since has been good ,the pain does go on but only if we let it, you cannot change what happened but you can make sure you have a good life inspite of that monster ..good luck want to talk , ther'es always someone around .....
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787406_tn?1339206783
I have tried for some time now to put it behind me, but it seems everytime I do something new comes up like his son showing up after 47 years and now having to watch my brother and sister have mental breakdowns because their feelings are finally coming out. Both have stopped talking to my mother, this last week.

Our family is so dysfunctional its ridiculous. That's why I choose not to talk to my mother anymore, I feel I lost that woman when I was 6 years old, she was such a good mother then and sweet and very loving and now she is this cold hearted fake person.

My life is so much happier without her in it, although I miss my old mom.

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Avatar_f_tn
I wish I had seen this post earlier. I am sure it's not too late as I bet daddy is at home finding different ways to molest your daughter. Don't be so naive, your child is being molested. Take your child to a doctor, have them physically checked out. Don't ask your child if her daddy is touching her, as you may indirectly put words and thoughts into her mouth. Immediately check with a child therapist, and have them investigate the relationship with your child and her father.To protect yourself, tell (don't ask!) the father to stay with family, a hotel, etc. As this will turn out to be an investigation and children and family services will get involved. Because you took the precaution and prevented a possible repeated abuse, you won't look so much like a bad mother in the authorities eyes. (Of course if you do nothing, you are as much as guilty as he is. ) If your husband does have that serious problem, he will not protest to you taking the child to bed. In fact he will find another way to molest her. Also if you sleep heavy, don't be suprised if daddy sneaks away to his daughter's room. There are some molestors that would never harm their own children, and then they are some that prefer to keep it in the family. All molestors are groomers, so to speak, so don't be suprise if your daughter clams up about speaking about her dad. "Someone post that the child will act moody" that's not always true. It depends if she knows that being touched by ones parent is a bad thing, or if daddy tells her that he is suppose to do this. He may even threated her, again it all depends. I don't know if you received help or not, or if your husband is innocent or not. But whatever the case may be Good Luck! In the end there is a saying "The sky is too big to cover with your hand" Eventually your daughter will state any truth that may have happened to her. Let's just hope she doesn't end up hating you. :-)

From a survivor, that was being abused by a step sister.
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7168391_tn?1388796374
i know i am a few years late but i must say this -
When you have a feeling (gut instinct) trust it and investigate.  More than likely he was doing something he shouldn't have.

I hope all is well and you were wrong but always keep in mind, those inner feelings are usually correct.
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Avatar_f_tn
I can identify with you. I'm 51 years old and both me and my older sister were sexually and physically abused by my father as children. He used various forms of threats to hide his dirty deeds including driving wedges between everyone in the household so that no one communicated with each other. My mother was clueless. Now years later and into my second marriage, my past has caught up with me. I am now into menopause and I have no inclination for sex which has brought out a new side to my husband that I never knew. He has become verbally abusive, bordering on physical abuse, and we exist in the same house but there is no real marriage. We have a 13 year old daughter who has Aspergers Syndrome and is very developed for her age. For some time now, in some of his outbursts, my husband will angrily hint that I am pushing him toward incest. Recently he accused me of pushing him to incest the same way my mother pushed my father to incest. I have bern talking to my daughter for sometime now and keeping a close eye on her but I know that she is very intimidated by her father and I am scared or am I being paranoid?
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3217886_tn?1391735882
I don't have any professional advice, but I can tell you that just by reading this, I got chills. There is definitely something wrong here. You're husband may get mad when you suggest that because he's scared. She might not remember either cause her brain blocked it out (which happens during traumatic events) or he told her not to tell. I remember watching an episode exactly like this in Degrassi TNG where a girl who was 5 got molested/raped by her father and each night he would tuck her in and took like 30 minutes with her (his excuse was that she wouldn't fall asleep) and in the morning her jammies would always be on the inside out or something like that and she only remembered all of this when she turned 17. Her dad also told her and her brother not to tell anyone and they listened. Everyone thought she was just being crazy switching her PJs inside out. Listen to me. You are a mother. Follow your gut. If you feel that something is wrong, then it most likely is. Keep a close eye out for what's happening. Maybe let him tuck her in 1 night and sneak up to see what's actually happening, so u have proof against him. Please just keep an eye on your baby girl. She also may not act any different, as some people here are saying. People respond to traumatic events in different ways, but that doesn't mean that everything is okay. I wish you and your family the best of luck during this time
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7741564_tn?1393812669
take her to get checked out listen to your gut!!!! rather his feelings be hurt than her life be screwed up....
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7741564_tn?1393812669
press charges I dont care if it makes him look bad or ruins his life its better him never ever be alone with any child than him to continue his abuse
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Avatar_f_tn
Im sorry but hunsband sounds fishy, get a recorder if you can your iphone even, you really dont wsnt your daughter tramatised and blamming you when shes older. Or sneak up on him, an hour to put to bed, 3 year old dont do take there underwears, its just to fishy, get a secret recorder
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