I Verbally and Mentally Abused My Partner and Hate Myself

My boyfriend of one year and I have gone through a tumultuous relationship this past year. I started dating him out of desperation for a business partner without even realizing it. He fed into my delusion by being extremely interested in the business at the time. He told me everything I wanted to hear (without knowing I was mentally blowing it out of proportion without him knowing) and I created this fantasy that we were absolutely perfect and unstoppable. I fell in love with him and we had amazing times together, no one in the world is more fun, sweet, funny or pure than he and I love him. A few months later he realized involvement in my business was not what he wanted and I was insanely upset and afraid. I couldn't handle it and would react angrily toward him when the subject came up. I became verbally and emotionally abusive toward him without even realizing. He never told me how he felt due to fear of losing me. One minute I was fun loving and normal, the second something about business came up I would get very angry and tell him how angry I was in a really mean way (with the limits of no swearing, yelling, hitting or name calling). Deep down I really loved him, I was just very scared and angry and pretty confused on why. But I continued to nagg and provoke and argue with him, which I didn't even realize was deeply hurting and confusing him. This went on for a couple months until my anger got so hot I couldn't handle or make sense of it. It made no logical sense to me cause (although he accepted the blame) I knew he was innocent and didn't deserve it. I told him how I couldn't make sense of my anger and he really hadn't done anything (although he said he did) and wanted to figure it out. I asked him to take a week long break from eachother to gather our thoughts and see how we felt having no contact. During that week to myself I realized everything I had done to him. I told him I have realized what I was doing and am so ashamed I feel nauseous. I feel so sick inside like I don't want to eat, I have this constant stomach and head ache. I can't stop crying and saying I'm sorry and don't deserve his forgiveness. He forgives me and I feel soo unworthy, I lost 7 pounds in the past couple days and can't stop thinking about all the mean things I said. I can tell he is hurt after our realization and feel like giving him permission to do something to hurt me. I feel like such a disgusting horrible scum bag who deserves to be thrown down the stairs. I am so sorry and cry everytime I think of how kind and patient he's been and told him I wouldn't even have forgiven me. Even writing this hurts so bad it's hard to even stop crying long enough to type correctly. What can I do to make him feel better? Should I give him permission to cheat on me or do something hurtful so I can feel the way he did. I haven't seen him since we took the break, so it's been a little over a week. Although I miss him I'm scared to see him cause I cry simply thinking of him, I will be a blubbering fool in person. What can I do to get him even with me?

[margypops]

Stop the crying and the wailing, be a kind nice, person,affectionate , no more saying sorry, be sorry, be loving, make him feel special. He is still being punished with all the nonsense you describe here. Tell your self 'Enough' you wont mend anything with this behavior, or telling him to cheat on you .Start immediatly, cook him a great dinner, a nice glass of wine, tell him you appreciate him .Then move on with both your lives , it wont take long before you are both in a loving mood again .good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

I'd get some counseling and see why you did all of this and put an innocent guy through such excessive drama.  In the meantime, give the guy a break and stop being so overdramatic.  Let it rest a while and get some help for yourself (not by bugging him).

[inga511]

Dear badlover-you sound a lot like myself. Are you an artist by any chance? I am on medication for my imoods and obsersive behaviour. I found a really great shrink and i am on medication that has taken a lot of the roller coaster out-not all of it. But most. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder but it has now been down graded to just a plain mood disorder. Definitely look into it, if you really love this guy and he really loves you-forgiveness for oneself and for each other is essential in a good relationship. You must do both. Then choose how to learn from the mystake you made and build on it. God Bless.

Inga