I am a victim

I say I am physically abused but I am emotionally abused.  I just wonder and need to ask, how do you make them lovey?  When am I good enough?  I give and give and still it is not enough.  What makes  the abuser go on pretending that they don't abuse you?  Im sorry Im asking so many questions.  Please help me.  I really need it.  Appreciate your help Thank you Lisa

[margypops]

You were not asking too many questions ,we need some more to be able to give our opinions,what does he say to you that is emotionally abusive give us an idea,

[mbbr43]

Emotional abuse is still abuse. You can't make them lovey, not unless they want to change. You will never be good enough for an abuser, they will always want more. The more you give the more they will take. They don't know any better. They put you down to make themselves feel better because they have low self esteem. I don't usualy post a comment because when I posted a question the answer made me feel worst. I could not help but to respond this time because I use to ask the same questions myself. I never really got any answers until I went to a shelter and started going to group meeting to learn how to change me.

[AnnaE]

The abuser pretends not to abuse because he is sadistic--it makes the victim hurt more. Also, it makes the victim have self-doubt, which is extremely painful, and which qill make the victim less likely to report it.

I am so sorry you are being treated like this. The person has to want to change. You cannot change them. You CAN suggest professional help. All in all, it is not your fault, nor your responsibility to change him.


Corey chubb and I are saying the same thing. Let us know if this was helpful.

experienced extensive treatment like this and your question makes me feel validated. Thanks for your questions.

[Cherie762]

I believe men who emotionally abuse women have very low self esteems and seem to feel a ego boost by verbally or emmotionally deflating the esteem of the woman they are suposed to love and protect,

You cant make him lovey nothing is your fault its his unless he sees he has a problem , and truely wants some therapy to try and change , Id say you should consider your options, do you want it to be 20 years later and stilll be treated the same way or worse.You are more valuable than that.Perhaps a little counseling for yourself will help you to feel a bit stronger, and increase your self esteem.

[AnnaE]

Both men who treated me like that were very insecure. Yhe more insecure they treated me, the more sadistic they became.

[AnnaE]

I meant to say that the more insecure they felt, the more sadistic they became.

[randomvisitor]

Long ago, I think there were only two types of abuse recognized: physical and sexual. My mom was miserable for the 18 yrs she was married, absolutely miserable. She did not know why and blamed herself of course for never making my father happy no matter how much she tried. One day when I was 12 I was looking online and came across psychological/emotional abuse. My mom came to look at the screen and saw that the symptoms and everything matched her. She began to realize my dad as an abuser, and made steps to separate from him and end in divorce. Afterwards, she engaged in another abusive relationship despite my constant nagging. Finally, she let go and with my and my brother's unconditional love and support, she has finally broken free and seen herself as deserving of respect and love from a person.

So please, see that you are a worthy human being and deserving of respect as well. People who abuse others is a result sometimes of insecurities and inferiority complexes. This was the case of my dad. They stab you with words and try to degrade you verbally. They love to torment you and will not stop unless they seek professional help. And to be treated...believe me it takes a good 10-20 years. MOVE ON, and try to see that you are a good person who deserves much more. And do not wait with someone 20yrs for them to change. You will be more miserable than you can imagine, and yes no matter how much you love them. Remember, YOU NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF MORE!!

[AnnaE]

Randomvisitor,

Thanks for such an excellent and caring response for Corey.

[Lahayle]

Hi, I am posting for the first time. "I am a victim".  I read your post.  I wanted to let you know that emotional abuse is just as hurtful as physical.  Not to confuse the two.  Because, Bruises heal.  ( by all means physical abuse is really horrific)  What a person says to you whom is "suppose to Love" hurts so deeply.  I am one of those women.
Or I was that women.  For 30 yrs. Then?  He cheated on me.  Oh, yes.  I went to battered woman's shelters so many times.  Actually, the councilor I had this last time?
Told me a status.  A woman will leave her abuser 9 times before it sinks in she is in an abusive situation.  I can tell you have tried.  I am hoping and praying for you as I do hope
you do know how important you really are to the ones who love you, for you.  I tried the trying to change route.  It did not work.  Even when one of the counselors told
my now ex "he is not perfect, and should not expect me to be either.
I want you to know you are important!!  There is Life out there.  "Here I am sharing my opinion, yet, even after the divorce, in which devastated me!! Need to take my own advice.  I am so sorry you are being mistreated.  You do deserve better.
At least, once I am on my own?  I may be lonely?  But I can do as I please.
I would like to add you to my friends. As I am lonely, and a newbie here.
Please let me know how your are doing.  Okay?  Lahayle

[AnnaE]

Write to any of the survivors here. Try the PTSD forum, also.

Best,
Anna

[spitfire989]

Hi Lahayle, my name is Liz and I am not "officially" on this site --"Yet".--I am on the MS forum and was surfing around as I needed a site to turn to to vent if you will about the ABSOLUTE hell my family (mother) has/is putting me through. A hell I'm not sure I can get through alone.--However, I was moved by your response to Coreychub, and would like to offer a shoulder here with me if you are interested or whatever.---I know how hard and sad it is to need someone to talk to and have "limited" opportunities to do that.---o, if you EVER need someone to talk to or whatever, I'd like to give you my email, so that we can "hash" out the things that are eating us up.  k.---My email is ***@****.---I'd love to chat with ya.--Til then---TAKE CARE!

[AnnaE]

Welcome, we are here to support those in abusive situations. Feel free to write again.

[Amphitrite]

Welcome! We could always use another strong shoulder:)

I'm sorry you have had such hard and painful experiences growing up. It;s always botter sweet to me to meet so many others. Knowing that they too have experienced such hurt and pain and I wish it weren't as common as it is. But to know were not alone and that we can all help one another.

Everyone here is really great and I think you'll enjoy being here with us..or I hope so:) because we'd love for you to become an "official" member!

I was on the MS forum for a but because I had alot of very strange MS like symptoms..still aren't 100% on all of them..you know a little bit of limbo land.

But anyway. Were glad your hear and would love to get to know you better:)

Amph

[AnnaE]

bump

[margypops]

I have noticed you didnt respond at all ,plenty of other responses, could you as I originally asked give us some further information, regarding your circumstance and the kind of abuse.you are suffering .

[margypops]

I am puzzled as to why you are scrolling down to pull up old threads espiciallyones  with members that dont seem to be on the Abuse forum now, I seem to recognise a pattern we have had before.

[margypops]

Just  wanted to comment here that someone is bumping up the threads I have not replied to this thread since January, I no longer help on this forum..The old threads are all being dragged back .....

[shema8908]

Hi I have jus been readin all of ur posts crying. i am in a physically abusive relationship. I dont think he knows wat he is doing is wrong. I am 19 and i have a baby by him and ever since i had the baby he has been very absive. I get mad at myself sometimes because i haven't been strong enough to leave. I want it to work because i love him so much i dont want to loose him sometimes he convinces me that he's a good man and i wont find anyone better but *** i write it right now it sounds like a bunch of bull. I had such high self-esteem when we met and now i am so insecure and sometimes he throws it in my face that i am so insecure. i try to tell him that its his fault and he doesn;t believe. WHAT SHOULD I DO? I AM SOOOO LOST

[margypops]

This is an old year old thread ....but you will see that we all say the same thing inspite of the fact you love him, if he wont get help he wont change and always be like this, it is very bad for any child to be in this enviroment you need to think about that.My advice it to tell him he has to stop,get counselling for anger or you will leave and mean it and do it for the sake of your child .