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I am scared
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I am scared

I am scared and I am not sure where else to go.  I have several women who have gone on websites to share what they have gone through in their lives and I feel that I need to share it to someone to help me make the next transition.
I have been in a serious relationship for over a year now.  We met online and sparks flew the instant that we started talking.  We spoke online for about 2 weeks before we decided to meet.  He was perfect.  After about a week it started.  We were always arguing about something that I was too naive for him or that all my friends we perverts and only wanted one thing from me.  So slowly and slowly I stopped talking to my friends to please him.  I mean he sold the point so well to me that they all wanted to get in my pants because I was so good looking.  To me they were my buddies that I would call up on a Wednesday night and go for beers and wings with.  That stopped the instant that I met my boyfriend.  I lived at home at the time we met and I was at his house more and more and it was because I felt obligated to be there to stop a fight.  He knew where I was so everything was ok.  He didn't need to question me on where I have been.  And if iI did go to my moms it was like 21 questions everytime and he always made me feel guilty and cry for not wanting to stay there with him.  Things got better and then after about 2 months I was pretty much living there and then at 3 months he asked me to move in with him.  So I packed up, what was left anyways, and moved everything into his apartment.  This was my mistake.  I now had no where to hide or run.  At least at my moms it was over the phone all the time, now the arguments we had were face to face.  I don't really remember the first time that he hit me.  I think that it is because I tell myself that it didn't happen.  But the verbal abuse at this point was almost everyday.  I was always doing something wrong, not saying something right, not acting or responding a certain way.  Anything I did was never good enough.  Oh and he reminded me of that a lot.  That every other girl he had ever been with was better then me in everyway.  And I know what everyone will say here, tell him to go and be with them then.  I even think that in my head, but I never risked saying that in fear of getting beat.  I have received major bruises on my arms, legs, face and heart because of this man.  And for some reason I can't leave him.  I can't just say I have had enough.  Everytime we fight and he hits me (and its really bad) I pack my stuff and he gets right in my face and asks me why now in our relationship I am going to leave.  Is it because I am cheating on him?  And then I need to defend myself on that and I don't end up leaving.  I never thought that it was possible to feel the way that he makes me feel, both good and bad.  Because when we have fun we have so much fun together and I do think of him as my best friend.  But then comes the darkness and my heart hurts everytime we argue.  Is today the day that I will get the courage to leave.  More recently I have been sitting at my desk and pondering at night the ways that I can get everything from the apartment while he is not there.  Then I come up with that I can't do it all alone and I question my family and Friends because I have cut them off from my life for so long.  
So I am in need of some advise.  This is the first time that I have opened up about this and I felt that I had to now because I am coming to a crossraods where I think that I am getting to the point that I want to leave I am just so scared.  I am scared of what people are going to think of me, why didn't you just leave?  People will ask.  And I have asked that to friends who were in this situation before, but it is different when you are in it.  So if anyone has adivse if you have been in a similar situation I would love to hear how you dealt with it.
Sorry for the length but I started writing and I felt like I needed to say everything I wrote.
I look forward to your advise
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383943_tn?1217726321
HI! I  hope all is well at the moment. I have not been in such an extreme situation, but i do feel it is time for you to leave rather you love him or not! Call your mother or someone else and leave him . It sounds to me like there is something he does not like about himself so you are paying for it. Maybe you should talk to the ex did he beat her too? I only believe this will get worse if you stay! M aybe conseling or jail is what he needs it is never your fault ever no matter the case that you should let anyone take your pride and break your spirit.This male person (not enough respect to be called a man) would really have a prob. standing up to a man and facing the consequences a father or brother could bestow upon them! Please take my advice just leave ..run ... your stuff can be obtained later.J UST TAKE YOUR SENTIMENTAL THINGS... BEST OF WISHES TAM TAM
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi.. I have not been in that position.. but please do anything you can to leave him.  You don't have to live with it.  Can you go back to your moms?  Does he work?  Even if you just have to take a few things with you while he is gone just go and don't look back!  I'm here if you need to talk!
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Avatar_f_tn
a long long time ago a woman could use the excuse that she had nowhere to go because she did not nowdays there are many places where battered woman can go also mom would take you back alsoa freind would help you unless you just enjoy the pain does it hurt bad does he black your eyes does he kick you until your ribs are broken if he hasnt he will he enjoys the control he is a bully and you have let this man walk in and take control of your life without a word do you  not read the papers watch the news you have excess to computer you have read about the abuse and you either enjoy it or you would get the samhill out there are plenty of ways call the police or get out while he is gone he is not god go somewhere and then go and file restraining order and take back control of your life also your self respect you better go quick next time he may not mean to but he could kill you i am sorry for the sermon but you need a wake up call and i want you to keep us informed this column cares i am just trying to do my best to get you out of there in one peice also you are not in love it is lust and you can do without that   go go   luck   jo
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for all your words.  This was extremely hard for me to post and all the words that you have said seem so easy to do.  I don't know why I find it so hard just to leave.  I think it is like I said before I am scared of what others are going to think of me and think less of me because I stayed in this situation.  I know that this is a situation that will one day turn deadly because he has threatened my life many times before.  How do you tell your mom that you left the safety of her home to live with someone who hurts me as bad as he does?  
I am seriously pondering leaving and i am thinking of my ways to get out.  A restraining order would not be necessary as he is not that in love with me.  He tells me all the time.  I guess I feel that with time it will get better and he will one day love me and it will stop.
As for the ex he had.  He told me that they were verbally abusive towards one another but that he has never hit anyone before.  The really ironic thing is that he used to volunteer at a women's distress center talking and helping women like myself get the courage to leave the abusive men.  Now he has become that person!  
I just think I need to stop thinking and do something.  I can't do it when he is around otherwise he will hit me.
Thank you for all your support.  I can't thank you enough.  You have given me some sunlight through all the darkness
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383943_tn?1217726321
hey it's tam tam i hope you are ok. i prayed for last night and just wanted to check on you today.
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383943_tn?1217726321
hey it's tam tam i hope you are ok. i prayed for last night and just wanted to check on you today.
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Avatar_f_tn
I know that they do love me I am just scared.  I am embarassed and ashamed that I let something like this happen to me.  I am going to definately going to get some counselling to help find myself again because I have been lost for the last year.
Thank you for all your support.
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Avatar_f_tn
WOW, I READ YOUR STORY AND IT WAS LIKE REPLAYING THE LAST YEAR OF MY LIFE AS WELL. IT IS INSANE HOW IDENTICAL IT IS TO MY LIFE AT THE MOMENT...EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT I HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM. I AM STILL HERE AND AT THE MOMENT  "THINGS ARE GOOD". I TOO CANNOT PUT A LIMIT TO THINGS THIS MAN DOES TO ME BEFORE I LEAVE. I AM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF WAYS TO LEAVE WHEN THINGS ARE "BAD". BUT THEN DREAMING OF OUR WEDDING DAY WHEN THEY ARE "GOOD". I **** MYSELF OFF TO NO END BECAUSE I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE THIS GIRL. BUT HERE I AM.  I TOO FEEL LIKE THERE IS NOWHERE FOR ME AND MY DAUGHTER TO GO, AND HE IS SURE TO REMIND ME OF THIS TOO. I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHY I AM STAYING, TO BE HONEST IT IS TO THE POINT WHERE I AM JUST NUMB ABOUT IT AND EVERYDAY LIFE JUST GOES ON. THATS ALL I HAVE COME TO KNOW NOW AND I TRULY HAVE LOST THE PERSON I ORIGINALLY WAS BEFORE HIM. I KNOW I AM A GREAT MOTHER TO MY DAUGHTER AND I AM FULL OF LIFE AND PLAY WITH HER BECAUSE SHE MEANS THE WORLD TO ME. BUT MY RELATIONSHIP...WHAT IS THAT? SIMPLY PUT I LIVE WITH A MAN WHO ABUSES THE **** OUT OF ME, MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY, AND SAVE WHAT LITTLE PIECES THAT ARE LEFT OF ME ALL FOR MY DAUGHTER. ANYWHO.. I AM RAMBLING. I DONT HAVE ANY ADVICE TO GIVE YOU BECAUSE I CANT EVEN HELP MYSELF. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT EVEN THOUGH I MAY NOT KNOW YOU PERSONALLY I KNOW YOU BETTER THAN YOU KNOW BECAUSE I TOO SUFFER IN THE SAME SITUATION AND I AM HERE FOR A SHOULDER OR AN EAR BECAUSE THATS PROBABLY THE ONLY COMFORT IN YOUR LIFE NOW GIVEN YOUR SITUATION.
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419446_tn?1212545977
Advice is- LEAVE- he will eventually try to kill you !

Put aside your guilt, shame and embarrassment. No man has the right to treat a woman like this ladies. To stay is to encouarage the behaviour and I cant tell you it will NEVER stop. These men do not love, they control, own & are true cowards. They make me sick !
I myself have been in a relationship that "could have " turned into this, but I never allowed it to happen. As long as you allow the behaviour to continue, you yorself are the one in control, you are determoning how it is you " will allow" yourself to be treated.
No matter how hard. RESPECT YOUR LIFE MORE.
My mother suffered at the hands of abuse, I watched it growing up, the fighting, the choking her till she passed out, the guns shhots at 11 when my little brother woke me & said how tyhey were fighting woth guns...the blood..the fear.....it will never ever stop...you must leave & you must do so NOW. These men are now men, they are cowards..they disqust me. Your family & friends love you, he never has...they dont know love.
He will stalk you, it has nothing to do with loving, prootect yourself at first signs..
Email me anytime...I am here, we all are !
HUGGGSSS!
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Avatar_f_tn
I would like to thank all you all for all your words of wisdom!  I HAVE LEFT HIM!  I am in a safe place now and I am filled with emotions but I am safe.  I could not have gotten this strength that I needed if it wasn't for all of you.  I owe my life to everyone one of you.  
THank you again
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Avatar_f_tn
Congratulations!!  That is great.  We will still be here if you need to talk :)
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93654_tn?1247502934
Wow, good for you!! Take it one day at a time and don't doubt yourself! We're very proud of you!
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419446_tn?1212545977
Dont EVER go back....best wishes sweetie. Im wondering where you went? I know it mustve been difficult. These men replace all that we are with fear.
good luck .
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136956_tn?1363091289
I know that the first while will be so difficult for you because I have been there. I know the hurt, i know how you felt about the good days and when they were bad they were bad. You seem so intelligent and strong and what you did took courage and that speaks volumes.  You saved your own life, because people that are like that most likely will take it further.  I have been there and i left with a 5 week old baby, and left his son that I was taking care of and to this day i feel so bad for leaving his son there because i felt i left my own child. You are so lucky you never had children with this man and can move on with your life and i know that you can because of the way your post speak.  You will make it and you will look back at this and think " what the hell was i thinking?  and "why was it so hard for me to leave him"?  Your life will be so much better from this day forward.  If you ever need anyone to talk to I am hear.  I really feel that you are telling my story 5 yrs ago.  
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