I dont know

Hi,  I dont know if I am over reacting but I need some help.  My husband and I have been together for 8 years.  We have two children whom are toddlers and my stepson is 16.  The outburst always seem to be the same thing.  He makes the money so he should be able to spend it like he wants and that it is his contribution to the household.   I asked why he could not help out at home and he started with f this and that in front of all the kids.  I asked him to stop and he continued.  I told him he needed to apologize to me and the kids for his behavior and he said he would not.  I told him he has no respect for me and he said I had non for him.  His outburst are to the point where I am getting nervous that he is gonna react this way to the kids when I am not home.  I feel like I need to walk on egg shells and always ask his opinion for everything or permission.  He tells me I am stupid for asking his opinion but I tell him its cause I dont know how he will react.  Or he states that I never aks and he always forgets why he was yelling at me.  This last time he told me that he didnt know why he yelled at me just that I triggered something in him and then on Monday told me he was sorry but if I just remembered his contribution that everything would be alright.  This is not the first time, but it seems to be happening more frequent.  I am worried about my daughter specially but both my boys too.  It happens about every 6 weeks and when I told him that he told me I was crazy.  Thru the years has told me I am over sensative, stupid,. I have told him in the past if he threatened me I would leave but then he says I can't leave with is kids and its his house and well... you may get the picture.  I know you can't tell much from writing on here but is this verbal abuse or am I at fault?  I am confused.  

[RockRose]

I don't get the picture,  your post is confusing.

On balance,  if he's making all the money and you are at home with the kids,  your job is to run the house.  "Helping out" at home for him should consist of emergency situations like if you have the flu,  or there is some other very unusual situation.  Otherwise he can contribute by being a good role model to the kids, and loving them, and playing with them,    and getting out of the way when you are working,  and not verbally insisting that you need to stop working and sit with him because what you're doing doesn't need to be done.  On balance.  

The rest of your post shanna I really can't understand what you're saying.  

[April2]

I didn't have any trouble reading the post at all. I think it's very old school and downright old fashioned to believe that just because he goes to work and you stay at home that he doesn't need to lift a finger at home. Granted, since you're the one who's at home you should do the majority of the housework, etc. But I see nothing wrong with him helping out on the weekends and even helping put the kids to bed, etc. on weeknights. It's called sharing.
And there is never an excuse for verbal abuse. He is verbally abusing you whether he realizes it or not. To call you stupid and yelling at you is not acceptable, ever. It sounds to me like he has an anger problem. You have a right to request that he not use bad language or yell in front of the kids. He's setting a bad example to them. The more you allow him to do this to you, the more it will damage your self-esteem and even your kids. If he refuses to change or seek help for his anger problem you may need to decide whether you and the kids would be better off without him. Don't ever let someone mistreat you. You deserve better. I wish you the best.

And niel_diamond_bessie, your post was confusing to me. What did you mean by posting hiv? I don't understand.

I hope you all aren't taking lightly this situaton. This poor woman is in an abusive situation. It may not be physical but it is definately verbal and that can be just as bad if not worse.

[jml1986]

I understand the post very clearly and I totally agree that you are being verbally abused. He is a very controlling person and if he does not get help you need to do whatever you have to to keep you and your children safe.

[shanna520]

When we first got married I would stay home with kids and he would work.  No problem, but when we first got married he also did not want me to work cause it didnt make enought money, he wanted me home with him, didnt want me out.  I started my own business and did that for three years untill I became pregnant with our first child.  Then we up and moved 3000 miles in a matter of a few months because he wanted too.  In those three years, he called me names and asked me why I did thing this way and not his way.  I just chalked it up to being married even tho this was second for us both.  I yelled right back at him then.  I thought it was normal.  Looking back on it now I was trying everything I could to please him.  It started to get worse when our first child was born and I thought it was stress of new baby, house, job ect and that it would simmer down, but it has been getting worse.  Now with two toddlers he seems to have no control at all.  About every 6 weeks or when I state to him I am happy, (with in 24 hours or less) he is yelling at me for nothing or If I state how I feel I am over sensitive or my perception is not correct.  I have been asking myself for months, what am i doing wrong.  Now he curses in front of the kids and has physically threatened me in the past.  I said if he did I would take the kids and leave and he threatened me more if I took "his" kids away, then the next day apologized and when I try to talk about my feelings he does not remember anything.  I did decide to go to school and do that full time on line and I am wondering if me doing this makes him feel more out of control, but he never does talk about what my learning will bring, only the money it will bring in.  I am still asking myself what am i doing wrong, but I know it is him and not me.  I feel like I am on eggshells and only realizing I have not wanted anything to do with him for months cause I dont know when the next outburst will be.  I have even told him that I needed to steal myself against him cause of his behavior and he thought I was crazy and I am starting to feel like I am going crazy.  I survived physical abuse as a child and with my first husband.  I always said I would never be abused again.  Why did it take me so long to recognize it now or am i just plain crazy?    

[April2]

No, you're not crazy. It's actually pretty common for people who have been abused to be attracted to people who abuse. It's all you've known so you think it's normal. In the back of your mind, though, you know it's not normal and you want things different but you just don't know how to make things better or change things. Am I right?
The problem is his. He sounds pretty insecure to me. It's scares him for you to make something of yourself whether it be through schooling or a job. It makes him feel inferior and he doesn't like that one bit. So, he belittles you and puts you down to "put you in your place" so to speak or rather under him and his control.
Yes, he sounds like a controling person. Most people who feel out of control in their own lives try to control others or situations around them. When they can't do that, they feel frustrated and therefore strike out at the thing blocking them from that control. Does that make sense?
He can't tell you that you can't take the kids and leave. You have every right as their mother to do that. If he wants to fight that then he needs to petition the court.
I recommend you guys agree to counseling and him to anger management classes. If he refuses then you get counseling for yourself. Also, start looking into how you could support you and your kids should you decide to leave. You need to be prepared. Hold your head up. You and your kids deserve better. I hope things will pick up for you soon. Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing. Take care & God bless.

[jo929]

It does sound like he is wanting to control everything,Also a controlling man can turn into a real abusive one, and if things are not working out, I do believe that i would think of getting yourself and the children out of this situation, also you might try and get him to go to counsleing, but if he will not, I would leave before it becomes physical, or you get so beat down, you wont leave, also the children have to listen to this.  I wish you the best    jo

[shanna520]

How do I react to him?  Now he is apologizing every day and saying I love you every chance he gets and I don't know what to say to him and I dont feel like saying I love you back.  Now he is getting mad cause I have not spoken to him except to answer him in three days.  I don't know what to say.  Everytime I think of something it is to tell him how I feel and I just know he will have some reason as to why he said what he said.  I did pick up the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond", but I just got it today.  I need to be cheerful for my kids right now till I figure out what to do next and its hard.  I know I'm whining, I just don't know what to do.  

[marissposa]

You are not oversensitve!  His behaviour is not okay.  

[shanna520]

I have almost completed the book and it has been very insightful.  Is there anything else I need to read?  anything else some one can recommend I maybe do?  I will start looking into some form of therapy for me shortly and then see what my options are and then have them in place before I talk to him.  That way I will know what I can or can't do.  Now nothing has happened since monday and he acting like nothing happened but I still dont want him touching me nor do I want to talk to him.  I am so tired off it all.  Thanks everyone that responded.  

[treazzure007]

Look.

That man sounds like an overgrown, tantrum throwing, bullying boy.  I dont see how some of you women put up with the first fit.  You should have put him in his place the first time he did anything inappropriate.  The same way as raising a child.  Now, it may be too late.  When people grow into their ways, it has pretty much permeated them.  

[susieq87]

Somebody obviously directed you to some eye opening material.  I was in an abusive marriage 15 years.  Eventually after beng a door mat, a whipping post, a nobody in my house, I found out about the Wheel of Control and the cycle it runs in a abusive person.  I went to therapy and became empowered of myself and I did learn that I was beaten down to where I felt so confused, I didn't knw who  was and what was real.  The truth is you are a person and you are worthy of a good life.  You will eventually learn about being victimized and hopefully, released from that position to participant.  The abusive wheel of control, codependency, are some books that may give you another way to look at things, take what you want and leave the rest.  I did leave my husband as he was also physcially abuse and I knew he was trying to break me, spirit and soul and I knew that would be the end of me at some point if it kept going on.  Some people have to wait for the straw that broke the camels back and some never find it.

[shanna520]

I didn't marry him to raise a child.  I married him to be my friend, lover and companion.  He should have already been raised.  

[shanna520]

Can you recomend anything else I should  be doing?  I am not in a position to leave right now.  That will take a while and I have just begun.  Any support would be great!  

[shanna520]

My MIL (his step mom) told me to turn off my cell when out and to make him sweat it by not doing his dishes,laundry or anything like that.  Tell him he is an adult and he can do it himself.  She also told me to tell him to stop when he starts and if he refuses, to leave the room and house if neccesary.  If he threatens that I cant take the kids then to call 911. I agree with saying stop and telling him I will leave if he does not stop, but what about not doing that stuff?  Will i just incur more of his wrath or would it send a message to him?  

[txsilver]

If you are going to say those things, you have to mean them and follow through.  If you do not you will deal with more wrath and could cause an escalation.
Get help.  See a counselor.  Find out what options are open to you.  For your health and that of your children, I encourage you to change your situation.

[hawaiibunny7]

I have a friend in the same position as you.  Her huband treats her the same way yours does and she questioned whether or not she was in the wrong and he was right.  As you have already heard you are not in the wrong in this and it sounds like you are truly trying to make things work but it takes two to do that and your just butting your head against a stone wall.  But like my friend she didn't have the means to leave him even though it would be the best thing for her. The advice I gave her was to do what she could and to always stay calm in an outburst.  And even though you feel you cant leave yet start making plans, dont just hope things will get better because they wont.  Always remember that now that you have children its them before everything else and you as a mother should know best but obviously getting away is the healthiest thing for them. do what you can and always be looking and making plans

[shanna520]

So I have set an appointment to meet with a counsellor and found a local support group too.  Now I need to find a baby sitter and a reason for leaving once a week.  I am trying to just stay calm,but I am so used to defending myself that it can be the first thing out of my mouth before I even think.  I have told him to stop a few times and he looks at me like I am crazy but so far it has worked.  For the first time I feel like I am not alone.  I am doing my best to finish this first year at school and at the same time racking my brain on how to bring money in with out him getting suspicious so I can put it away.  I know I will come up with something because I am not going to live the rest of my life this way.  

[hawaiibunny7]

your a stronger woman than most in your position and I hope all works well for you.  no one deserves to live that way and Im so glad you know that you deserve better. I really really hope everything works out. do you have a job or can you get one? you can always get a secret bank account and take out some of the money from your paychecks, enough to save but not enought to get suspician. my mom had to do that for a few years and my dad never knew

[shanna520]

Thanks for hte positive vibe.  Don't know if I am stronger just remember having originial conversation with him stating I would never be abused again and well I wont.  If that means preparing so I can leave I will.  I do mean what I say.  I don't have to live this way nor feel this way nor let my kids live this life too.  I just have to figure it all out.  Right now I am a full time stay at home mom and a full time student.  That keeps me really busy, so hard to get a job.  I need to get through finals and start deciding from there what I can do.  I am gonna open a secret account and gonna just start putting money in it.  Eventually, I will be able to do more.  I finally decided to go to school to become an English teacher and I need to complete degree so I can support kids but like i said, I have just begun.  I am looking to see if there is something I can do from home over the summer and see if I can get paid from writing too.  so, I am racking my brain, just gonna take a little time and effort to formulate.    

[txsilver]

You go girl!  There are many ways to rat whole $.  A few dollars here, a few there, it all adds up.  Do you have family who can take you in?  Explore those options!  

[shanna520]

People that can take me in is kind of a no.  Maybe on a temperary basis but that is it.  A day or two.  I have found a shelter but I have not been there yet and it is where I found the counsellor so I am hoping they can be of help and maybe can point me to legal info as well in case I need it.  He has been nice I almost forget that it happens.  I feel guilty for looking into things cause I keep thinking I can work things out, but then I get nervous when he says something then goes back to something else and I just dont know what to do to keep the peace.  Do exactly as he says or make up my own mind.  He told me yesterday I could make up my own mind and that I would not going to hear about it later at all and that he was not trying to control me.  I used to believe him when he said that.  Now I wonder how long it will be before he brings it up and puts a twist on it.  Then he told me this weekend he wanted to make love and i'm like no, don't touch me.  I dont want anything to do with him that way and so he jokingly put he was gonna find a new wife, I told him to go for it.  He didnt like that but I told him I need respect.  Then he was nice yesterday.  I hate confusion, I felt so much better planning.  It gives me direction, then when he changes his tune it is confusing.  I guess this is the normal going back and forth phase?  

[April2]

Shanna, would he be willing to go to counseling with you? It's very possible he would like to change but just needs help. I always try to see the best and/or positive in people. Maybe he doesn't like how he's acting either but just doesn't know how to change and needs help. I'd recommend counseling for the two of you and an anger management class for him, if he'd be agreeable. It's always best if the two of you can get along even if you divorce, for the kids sake.
I wish you the best.

[shanna520]

I am gonna go to counseling for myself first to get all my ducks in a row, then I am gonna approach him about it.  In the past when I brought up counseling he stated no way would he go and was very angry and yada.....  I will exhaust all of my options with him first then I will go for options for me after that.  In the mean time, still trying to make plans incase things do not go to my plan.  Does that make sense?  

[momagain59]

Yes, it does make perfect sense. You can't help someone else until you help yourself. You are doing everything right. I am so glad to hear how strong you are getting. You can and will overcome this.

[AnnaE]

I was frightened to read your original post. My father had tirades like that with my mother. He sexually abused me and beat me and a brother all the time. All I can say is get the coundseling--maybe some group counseling, also.

Watch how he treats the kids. I am sorry you are going through this. I know that your situation is not my childhood situation, but he has a lot of work to do.

[tiredOFit09]

I am going through the same thing, except i dont have kids....I believe my husband is verbaly abusive too. The only thing is mine happens alot more frequently, like twice a week if not more. It seems like everything i do is wrong he yells at me and cusses me to the point i get scared of him. If i stand up to him it makes it worse. We havent been married long at all. But i so feel your pain and i can relate to all you have said. My husband and i BOTH work and he can spend whatever he wants but when i spend even $5 he fusses, he has even went to the bank and got a print off of what i spend....its a little creepy how close he watches over me....some times i think did i make the wrong decision. I wish you luck along with all the other women who goes through this....

[margypops]

This is a very old thread and the folks may not be around . It seems to me reading your post that you are in an abusive relationship,and your husband needs some counseling ,you may want to tell him you are not happy with his behavior and if he doesnt stop you will leave, you have to mean it, if he really wants to change and loves you he will get some help. Verbal abuse it very demeaning and it will efect you self esteem and your Life. When he yells walk away do not take it, no one has to ..if he doesnt want to change .just GO do not be afraid .  

[allmymarbles]

This is not a one-sided problem. You do not stand up to him. Bullies abuse those who can be abused. He feels he can call the shots because he is bringing in the money, and that may be one of the reasons you put up iwith him. So get a job. And stiffen your spine.

[tiredOFit09]

Thank you so much for your concern. He has been doing Alot better the past few days though. Im not gonna hold my breath... although this morning our puupy had an accident on the floor and we didnt see it till a bit later. He got his belt and started to chase the dog around the house threatining to beat it. I told him he was just a puupy and didnt know better and i would not let him spank the dog. He then grabbed my arm and threw me down on the bed and said to stay out of it. I now look down at my arm and its bruised were he grabbed me. I dont know if he meant to do it or it was an accident, but to see how he acts towards me it probably wasnt an accident....Oh and the money situation is worse, he gets mad when i put gas in my car and will not let me buy groceries, but yet he spends money on w/e he wants. I just wish i could rewind and tke everything back sometimes.

[margypops]

I have only one answer here ..leave him, hurting a small dog shows he has a problem apart from throwing you around,he will not change, I hope the Pup is okay ,it would be a better idea for you to give it to someone as he will do this again, Sorry but you just get out.,

[trixie71]

ARe you planning to have children with this man? If he can do something to you or a puppy - it WILL happen to your children! I wanted to leave before but since I had 2 children - I stayed and it is like you were saying - its good for a few days and then BANG - crazy again. I jump in between him and my kids many times and will continue to!
I would have left but he always threatens that he will take them and I will never see them again. That was a long time ago but I will NEVER forget he said that  - he WILL NOT live without them

[faithfulchild]

I have to agree with all my marbles on this one. You do need to assert yourself more. You do not have to battle him head on especially if the children are around but you can do other things to gain some independence from him.

[margypops]

It isnt possible to allow children to live around an abuser, they will hear it they will see it, its not a pre arranged appointment they just explode, I say you protect your children and leave ...