I need help again

[shat]

I was in a way abused as a child (age of 6-9), there was a lot of smooching and cuddling, heavy petting etc it was done very cleverly so I dint have any physical scars but anyway it left me thinking very sick about myself as a 'girl', Yes the abuser blamed me for starting it, and even though I know and even knew at that time he was lying, it somehow left this bit in my soul that I was dirty, and that I attracted the wrong kind of attention because of being me, so in my teen years I did everything possible to keep myself away from male attention, I thought I had buried this past behind me, because I acknowledged it to myself, I never pretended that it never happened, but I never told anyone, nobody at all... yet it never bothered me as I just moved on with my life, until now... and I am 23 now... for the first time in my life Im in a sort of friendship-relationship, he is a very understanding kind of person and somehow I opened up to him and told him this part of my life, I don't know why I did, I have never mentioned anything to my best friends even, but anyway the first time I told him.. we were just friends and I felt terrible the next day, I even posted my first question then, today we talked about it again out of the blue, after nearly two months, and our relationship has progressed from friendship to something else, he kissed me somedays back (my first kiss after the age of 9!), we're still good friends, but we occasionally have these kissing and hugging sessions, today after some of this again, he said something like " are you sure you're doing this for the first time (kissing) coz somehow it doesnt seem like it"... somehow it made me feel really sick and dirty again, i dint tell him so but I was like thinking 'yeah man Im doing this after 14 years...but somehow Im a passionate kid and can't help it if I seem like such a pro'... why does this statement of his make me feel bad again, why has this pandora box opened the moment Ive got in to a relationship sort, is this why I never let myself get attached to guys before? because some part me always knew it will trigger something bad?.. another issue is that I come from a very different culture to his, in my culture and my beliefs there is no physical intimacy before marriage, rather plainly speaking no sex before marriage, and I personally believe in it as well, but in his case it isnt so at all, its completely opposite, and I fear that if I really fall in love with him, and this making out sessions sorts continue , it may lead to sexual intimacy and I am not prepared for it and it would destroy my respect for myself if it so happens, I have told him about my beliefs and culture, but Im still very doubtful about my present situation, i love him as a friend, and he trusts me as well, but as this friendship is blossoming into a some kind of a relationship stage- Im not going to go that extra mile and Im not sure he understands that bit, or thinks that maybe I'll give in mebbe in the long run, and I fear that I may if I fall in love with him, but I don't want to do it... oh what should I do.. what should I do... hormones ...hormones ... :( :( :( and we're both post grad students n he is much more experienced(relationships n physical stuff) and about a year n half elder to me...

[Dazon50]

Do not blame yourself for your response as a 6 to 9 yr. old.  You were a child.  I don't know how old your accuser was, but you did not draw this to yourself.

The guilt that connects to the past may be a warning that this isn't the time and to take it slow and build other aspects of your relationship before becoming physically intimate.

It is not wrong to want it all to line up and rushing the intimacy part can change the focus to what you are not ready to handle yet.  Young girls are cautioned against being alone with a guy and doing the petting and kissing because of where it will lead to.  Being out in public while dating is one way to put the controls on.  

You are an adult and can decide for yourself what you want.  If seeing a counselor or therapist would help you with letting go of what still haunts you from your childhood, I would suggest you check into it.  I don't know if you belong to a church, as churches usually have pastoral counseling services.  

I wish you the best in resolving this issue and moving on with your life to be free to enjoy and pursue your dreams.

[KoRRoDEAD]

I no this isn't exactly what you were asking but a note on your comment about being a good kisser yet not being truly experienced in it. With almost all of my intimacy firsts i've been asked the same "are you sure you havn't done this before?" question and i truthfully had not, with or without your past i'm sure he would have asked the same question to you because i truly believe some people can be complete naturals at things like kissing etc...

Both with my first kiss and the time i lost my virginity i was complimented on how good/experienced i must be and when i told my girlfriend that i had never had sex before her she couldn't believe it because it was so pleasant and easy (unlike the horrible descriptions i had been told about losing it) so i must be a natural (not trying to toot my own horn)

I guess my point is that you should take the compliment as a compliment and not link it to what happened in the past because you would most likely still recieve the compliment had your past been different.

And to answer what i think your main question was, If you both do fall in love and you care for each other that much then as long as you tell him that you don't want to do certain things until you are ready (or married) then he would respect your wishes and wait for you if he really loved you that much. Be strong and do what seems right to you.

[itsnotok]

You are trying to figure things out - you are thinking too much on your past - that is not who you are. Enjoy your relationship and know you are free from your past....I call thinking on the past on any type of negative "stinking thinking". Move on and have a wonderful life and help someone else who is trapped in the "stinking thinking" mode. Your past is your past - it is not who you are! BE GREAT!