I think I was molested

[ilovemusic32]

I have always wondered about it, but I do not have memory of anything happening. My father was a convicted child molester. I was with him every other week as a child and when I was three or so I went home to my mother and said, "Daddy put a hot knife on my privates." I do have some memory of this, but not of the actual event. I remember sitting on the kitchen counter while it happened, but i do not rememberbwhat the object used was. I know that you can create memories that didn't even happen, so it makes me question myself. Around that time, I developed a bad urinary tract infection (I believe that's what it was) and had to be taken to the doctor. I remember that worrying my mother and it led her to ask if anyone had hurt me or touched me that way. I think I told her no, but I was so young. From then on, I was fascinated with sexual things though I didn't know what they were at that young of an age. I would lay on top of my big teddy bears and kiss them and then sort of grind in them in a sexual way. I don't know where I learned that from. It comforted me to fall asleep with things in my panties -- one day my mother woke me up because I had balled up my doll and left her there. I did that every night and got very upset when I didn't have anything to put there. I also used to touch myself a lot -- not only in private areas, but just do strange things. I used to always get long objects like pencils and markers and stick them in my belly button and twist them around and move them in and out. I got some sort of pleasure from this, but don't know how to describe it. I was about four when I started doing this. I know this all sounds strange and it's very hard for me to post this but I need some advice on wether or not these things are normal. I became obsessed with masturbation at a younger age then most, I think when I was nine. I would do it in the same room as my mom, even. When her back was turned. She never saw me, but she could have easily. It wasn't me taking my pants off or anything, I would kind of just grind on the floor until I got release. I also started to become fascinated with pornography and reading BDSM, rape and torture stories at that young of an age. I don't do that anymore but I did as a kid. Around the age of 8, my mom had a man that she was seeing. He came over a lot and liked to "cuddle." He would put me in his lap and sort of straddle me, and grind against me and pant. I was too young to know what was happening and it happened all the time and made me uncomfortable. I did tell my mother but she didn't do anything about it. Later, i now knowbthat what i was feeling was his erection he was pushing against me. It makes me feel sick to think about. This happened after my strange sexual behavior as a tiny child though, and that's the part I'm confused about. Now, at 17, when I have sex with my boyfriend of 2 years, I never feel quite comfortable. It isn't that I don't want it, it's that it makes me feel painfully self conscious. In the past year that we have been having sex, he has NEVER seen me with my shirt off or when it isn't dark. I don't like telling him what I enjoy or what feels good because it makes me feel painfully uncomfortable and oftentimes I cry afterward (even during, a couple times) for reasons I can't explain. I just start sobbing. He's very patient and gentle with me, and he always tells me we don't have to have sex if I don't want, but that isn't the problem. I initiate it often. It just makes me disoriented sometimes and I don't understand why. Sometimes he will be touching me and even that makes me want to cry. Just him touching me, even though he's trying to make me feel good. I have no explanation for that. I am not afraid of him at all and he would never hurt me or do anything to make me sad. I'm very confused. My main question is, I think that someone molested me when I was very young, from ages three to five or somewhere in that range. But I have no memory of it. Am I just coming to conclusions that don't make sense? It's making me very depressed and isolated

[RockRose]

It sounds likely you were molested.

I think you should seek therapy,  Image Replacement Therapy.  (Sometimes called Voluntary Image Replacement Therapy).  This is where they take an image in your mind,  and through focus and concentration on a pleasant image,  you replace the painful one with a pleasant one.

This might be a little difficult in your situation because you don't have a clear image to replace,  other than the image of telling your mother about the knife.  So a little tricky.

Best wishes.

[fred001]

wow im sory that happend to you..in the beginning of ur post u said u told ur mom daddy put a hot knife on ur privates but at the end u wrote u have no memory of it..u could b in denial because that was a tramatizing thing that happpend to u..i also have alot of memory loss when i was a child..some one very close to me was raped at the age of 4 by a family member it ***** theres such sick people out there no offense but u shouldnt have been left alone with ur dad knowing he was a convicted child molester just try not to dwell on it..accept that it happend and theres nothing u can do now except know its not your fault.as far as the other behavior u could of seen alot of stuff on tv..i have kids and when we use to watch tv i couldnt believe some of the things they would show i would hurry up and change the channel..but as far as ur moms boy friend ur still a minor and can still press charges on him for abusing you..i know i would he could be doing that to another little girl right now..if u press charges on him u may feel like u got some justice and u could save future kids from this sicko..please seriously think about that that guy needs to go to jail..i know it would be hard to come forward about this and b ashamed but like i said its not ur fault u were just a baby and ur still a minor also u can call a rape hot line and speak to some one who knows more about this maybe they can help with the feelings ur going thru now..im really sad for u i cant stand anyone who wwould  hurt a child especially the way u were hurt..good luck to u ill say a prayer for u that u can feel normal and forgive ur dad...fred

[rosey3216]

It is hard to say whether your memory of your father was real or imagined if you don't have someone to confirm it. However, the fact that he was a convicted child molester and yet you were allowed over there without someone else's supervision blows my mind, and it would make sense if that really did happen. Regardless if it did or not, the inappropriate behavior from your mother's old boyfriend is still abuse, even though it may not have been technical "molestation." Personally I would consider therapy that will help you learn how to cope with these things rather than dwell on them. You are lucky at your age to have a boyfriend who is so patient and understanding with you, especially when it comes to sex. So sorry you're dealing with this, I know how much abuse can mess people up.

ps, to answer your main question, it is likely that your brain is trying to protect you by not remembering the actual act. I remembered what room I was in when my brother molested me, and I remember him making me lay in bed with him, but I don't remember him actually touching me, and my family confirmed that he did. It happened 16 years ago, and they just now confirmed it when I started asking questions.