Incident of Abuse from 6 Years Ago Still Affecting Me?

When I was 13, my brother sexually abused me on Christmas Eve. It wasn't meant to be violent or anything and it was just one incident. My parents weren't around and my brother (who was 15 at the time) started touching me under my underwear, which I was cautious about although there was no malicious intent. I was somewhat okay with it until I told my brother I felt like I had to go to the bathroom, to which he responded "No you don't. You just think you do." And I insisted that I had to and I went into the bathroom and closed the door. What scared me was when he walked in and knelt on the floor in front of me and started fingering me and I told him to leave because I had to urinate and he kept insisting that he didn't until I screamed at him to leave, which he did.

It was an isolated event, but he had been physically abusing me since I was in first grade. He'd hit me and kick me until I had bruises. He'd then drag me down the hall to my room and tell me not to leave and he'd come make it up to me within an hour by making me lunch to try to console me so I wouldn't still be crying when mom and dad came home from work. He'd also deliver a few death threats every now and then and when I'd try to tell mom and dad, they'd accuse me of lying because my brother supposedly "doesn't lie".

Anyway, I found that through high school, any jokes about incest or abuse made me uncomfortable. I hated everything to do with sex. If I ever tried to finger myself for pleasure, it would turn me off because I'd immediately remember the isolated incident. I did tell someone about it the following year and it turned into a whole mess with child services coming over and my parents eventually got me to lie and say nothing happened and I lied, which I was chided for, but I still sometimes regret saying it was all a lie.

Even more recently, I've developed a strange fetish - I like watching movies and reading books about torture. I like reading about/viewing a victim suffering and being threatened. From watching a movie with a character being threatened with a gun at his head to straight up sick mutilation scenes, I get aroused because of the helplessness of the victim. I find myself not identifying with the victim, but rather liking watching them hurt. Is this possibly because I'm looking for a chance to be the one in control? I would never victimize anyone, but I love watching it on TV. Weird?

One last thing - I have a sexual partner now and we find it hard to have sex because I can't relax any of my vaginal muscles. It's like they're permanently tense - and fingering me just makes it worse because I know that makes me tense. He knows that I've been abused. He was sexually abused constantly, too, but at a much younger age so he's not as affected as I am. I don't know if my tenseness has to do with the instance of abuse - I've also never been able to orgasm - I never tried before I reached my teen years so I don't know if it would've been different before what my brother did. Do you think it's related?

Please offer any opinions on any of this if possible. I really hate myself sometimes because I feel like I'm just weird and alienated.

[inga511]

Anna-sweetie you are definitely doing the right thing by reaching out for help. Especially at this age. I was abused by my brothers when I was young and my parents were in denial as well and they still are. I am 38 and had three children now. The best thing you can do is to find a therapist. You may find one at your school or through your insurence plan. It sounds to me as if your brother is still not a safe person for you to be around. (he may still be afraid that you will blow the whistle again for his abusive behavior) that is why he is kind to you sometimes and abusive the next. It is called an abuse cycle-you want to get out of this cycle. The best way is to separate yourself from the participants. Also look in your local newspaper for support groups. A great place to start is the YWCA. They can direct you where to go. You have been physically abused and the people who were supposed to protect you did not do their job. Find help so that you can heal and be safe. Do not under any circumstances allow yourself to be around him. Anymore. If you have to go home and you know he will be there bring a friend.Hitting is not
acceptable behavior. You are a grown woman and deserve respect and healthy safe boundaries.

Inga

[MARLENISS2006]

Im sorry for what happend sweet heart. Now that you are an adult you should look for help, im pretty sure that all of these things that are happening to you now is because of what happened to you when you were a child. you are not weird at all, just look for help to resolve this problem.

Have you talked to your brother about that incident? how old are you now?

how is your relationship with your brother and your parents now??

i would like to know more details about it

[AnnieBrooke]

I'd talk to a therapist.  I am certain it is all related, and I think your family should all be ashamed of themselves, him for being an abusing bast*** and your parents for making you feel like you had to lie to restore harmony for everyone else.  That denying of your key grievance (which was a more than fair and justified thing to be angry about) is probably what makes you cheerful to see someone else getting hurt.  I think you defined it very well.  Now it's time to try to mend enough that you don't have present negative life impacts from the evils of the past.  I don't think I'd want to communicate with my brother at all, if I were you.  What an evil scumbag.  Who knows what he is doing to others now.

[margypops]

I hope this moron is not part of your life now, its a pity your parents wernt aware of what was going on they should have protected you. I would definatly say some therapy would be helpful to you now from what you told us there's is likely a connection with the happenings in your life now, good luck

[Dazon50]

The fact you are willing to look at it and find the reasons you are drawn to watch those movies says you are at the point to face it and move on.  

I read horror stories for a very long time and realized it was a way of removing from myself a traumatic experience by being an observer not a participant.  I then decided I didn't like watching them because they were not healthy, so a battle went on which I have gained the upper hand and now years later it is under control.

The process may be long and not in a straight line, but your willingness to face it, not hide it or deny it and find healthier ways to live daily will help the recovery process.

Thank you for sharing like this....there are others who are not as far along and your situation with your vulnerability and desire for healing can be inspirational.

[RockRose]

Anna,  I think you need therapy with a really good therapist who can unravel layers of your history.

I don't think this incident is causing your problems.  I think it's everything else.  The years of being kicked,  the years where your parents didn't take your side,  etc.  

From your description of this incidence you didn't mind the actual fingering,  it was just that he wouldn't let you use the restroom when you needed to.  I don't think this one incident is causing you problems,  I think you're focusing on the wrong thing.

Your desire to identify with abusers is not unusual.  Often children who are abused see the world in two parts - the abused,  and the abuser,  and it sure looks better to be the abuser than the abused.

I think you need an excellent therapist - not just a mediocre one - to unravel you.

Best wishes.  In the meantime,  you might want to read "Bad Childhood Good Life" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  I think you could probably find it in any library.

[AnnieBrooke]

When I was answering, I was also (like RockRose) thinking about the whole long-term pattern of behavior of your brother (and of your family in shutting you down about telling the truth), not specifically just the sexual incident.  The fact that you had sexual reactions to the abuse could mean there was a sexual element to it at other times, or that once he escalated to that, it was so singular that you focused on it more than the physical abuse the the threats.  But he was abusing you for a long time, and in essence you were forced to take it and take it, and could not retaliate or get him to stop, and there was no help for you from those who should have protected you.  It would be understandable in anyone put into that position for long enough if they liked watching movies in which someone cruel and powerful gets to be cruel to someone else.  You never did, and I'll sure bet you wished you could.  Fantasy fulfillment is a powerful thing.

[AnnieBrooke]

I corrected the typos above because they made things less clear and I want to be sure you understand what I was trying to say:

When I was answering, I was also (like RockRose) thinking about the whole long-term pattern of behavior of your brother (and of your family in shutting you down about telling the truth), not specifically just the sexual incident.  The fact that you now have negative sexual reactions could mean there was an undercurrent of a sexual element to your brother's abuse at other times, or that once he escalated to that, it was so singular that you focused on it more than the physical abuse and the threats.  But he was abusing you for a long time, and in essence you were forced to take it and take it, and could not retaliate or get him to stop, and there was no help for you from those who should have protected you.  It would be understandable in anyone put into that position for long enough if they liked watching movies in which someone powerful gets to be cruel to someone else.  You never did, and I'll sure bet you wished you could.  Fantasy fulfillment is a powerful thing.

[Anna1015]

MARLENISS2006, I was 13 when the sexual element took place, but 6 when the physical abuse started. I'm now 19. I have not talked to my brother because I doubt that he thinks about it nearly as much as I do and I'm afraid to raise the issue again. Over the course of the last year or so, he's been nicer to me. He still lives in the same house as me and commutes to college. I live at a college two and a half hours away. A year ago, everything was alright until around Thanksgiving when he hit me for the first time in several months, which through me over the edge and had me wanting to commit suicide because I had been lured into a comfortable state, only to be ripped out of it and shown the harsh reality of it. Since then, he has continued to threaten me, but he hasn't physically hurt me. He seems to be trying to be nice to me, but I'm afraid to trust it. :( Our relationship is strained. As for with my parents, we're okay. We seem to have put that incident behind us, but sometimes I feel like I don't get enough attention from them when I'm home on breaks and stuff. They just like to sit down and watch movies and we rarely really "interact". What other details do you want to know?

AnnieBrooke, I try to avoid being in the same room with my brother. I remember too many times when he's hurt me. He tested out his first airsoft gun on me when we were home alone. Another time, he wouldn't let me call mom and dad when he had me feeling threatened. I locked myself in their room with the phone and by the time I called them, he had gotten in and ripped the phone out of my hand to tell them I was alright. He then preceded to "make up for it" by making lunch for me and keeping me in my room.

Rock Rose, thanks for the advice. And the recommendation. I'll check it out.

[inga511]

Anna-sweetie you are definitely doing the right thing by reaching out for help. Especially at this age. I was abused by my brothers when I was young and my parents were in denial as well and they still are. I am 38 and had three children now. The best thing you can do is to find a therapist. You may find one at your school or through your insurence plan. It sounds to me as if your brother is still not a safe person for you to be around. (he may still be afraid that you will blow the whistle again for his abusive behavior) that is why he is kind to you sometimes and abusive the next. It is called an abuse cycle-you want to get out of this cycle. The best way is to separate yourself from the participants. Also look in your local newspaper for support groups. A great place to start is the YWCA. They can direct you where to go. You have been physically abused and the people who were supposed to protect you did not do their job. Find help so that you can heal and be safe. Do not under any circumstances allow yourself to be around him. Anymore. If you have to go home and you know he will be there bring a friend.Hitting is not
acceptable behavior. You are a grown woman and deserve respect and healthy safe boundaries.

Inga

[Anna1015]

Thank you for the suggestions and the empathy. I know what you mean about parents being in denial. My parents still say all the hitting and stuff was "sibling rivalry". If I ever called it abuse, I was scolded for it because "it's not abuse". Even when I used the words "fear" and begged them to never leave me alone with him. I know about the abuse cycle, but I was denying that I was in one until you just said it in terms of my situation. I think that was just a huge reality check, which I know I needed. I am seeing a therapist at my school, but up until I've posted this, I've never even wanted to mention my brother to her. When I told my parents I was seeing a therapist, we got in a huge fight because they thought I'd mention the old stuff again. I'm just afraid of my brother getting into trouble if I open up. I don't know if they're allowed to try to investigate this again even when my brother and I are now adults...in a weird way, I guess I still ...love my brother...I have no clue how it's possible, but.....ugh...I think it's true. And I hate it so much. It's really frustrating.

[inga511]

Anne-I don't think that they will investigate it if you were both minors but maybe look it the laws in your area. The bottom line is you need to get help and just because it makes your parents uncomfortable for you to go through this process of healing, it's not your fault. Talk to your therapist more about this-you are already taking the blame for something that was not your fault. Because you were a victim. It has more to do with your parents negligence than anything from my perspective. My parents did and still do the same thing (say it's sibling rivalry, say I'm being over dramatic)when I bring up incidence of my
siblings abusing me. It is denial and your parents may not change but that doesn't mean that you can not get help for yourself. It is the right thing to do irregardless of it making them uncomfortable. You working this out now will affect how you relate to co-workers, friends, boyfriends and eventually your spouse and even your children. The sooner you deal with the abuse and talk it out the better. If your parents don't see that, they are really being selfish and extremely self-preserving. This may even help your brother because although he pretends to have it all under control the abuser never does. Keep us posted. All my best. And many prayers,

Inga

[Anna1015]

My parents don't like it when I take family matters outside of the family. That's their big thing: no one has to know what goes on in this household except the family members themselves. That just makes this so much harder for me when they constantly try to make that clear to me, especially when I told about it years back and it WAS investigated. I guess I'll mention it to my therapist soon and hope that she can help me.  I know my sexual partner has been encouraging me to bring it up, too, with my therapist. He says that it's the number one topic that I SHOULD be discussing since it's still having a profound affect on me. I had my first gyn appointment yesterday and the "exam"....I've never been so tense or bombarded with uncomfortable feelings before. I know it's a topic I need to bring up and I'll get around to it. Thanks for the support.

- Anna