Is my mother abusive?

I'm 25, going through some stuff and looking for answers.
I'm home for the winter with my husband and we're watching my parents' house while they are out of town for work.
We spent several hours cleaning the fridge and cabinets because although my mother keeps a very clean and tidy household, she loves to shop and we found heaps of foodstuffs that had gone bad, some as long as 4 or 5 years ago. It was a tricky job, as the cabinets are high up and my 5'11" husband had to stand on a stool to reach the things in the back, and I put a lot of thought into organizing the remaining items so they will be found and used more easily.
When I said what I was doing on Facebook, my mom called me with a "who-do-you-think-you-are" attitude and was angry, told me to stop and mind my own business, and asked if this is the kind of stuff I do in "other people"s houses."
I was distraught. It was the last straw. I did some deep soul-searching, looking at my own diaries from when I was 15 until the last time I was there before graduation at 19.
There were several entries where I was upset at my mother. but I always thought that it was normal teenager angsty stuff.
My mother (and father too) often told me that I have no personality, a horrible attitude, that I was selfish, spoiled, a jerk, an *******, a moron, rude, stupid, have no common sense, I act like a "retarded 8 year old", have no (musical) talent, the list goes on. As I got closer to graduating high school they told me that I would never survive in college, never survive in the real world. According to them I had no social life, just 4 friends who were stupid morons, and that I was always in my own little closed world on the Internet. I watched anime and listened to Japanese music, which they thought was childish and annoying.
They always provided for me, materially and financially. I never went without, but my mother also constantly tried to push me to share her interest in fashion, beauty, superficial stuff and called me a nut and a scumbag when I tried to have my own individual style. I repeatedly told her I had no interest in jewelry, girly clothes and stuff but she would still constantly buy it for me and push it on me. Oh, did I mention she bleached my hair blonde continuously since I was about 9 years old and I hated it? I came from a tropical island where my hair was sun and chlorine bleached from swimming, and when my naturally light brown hair started to grow back in she wouldn't have it.
My mother made a big show of always sparing no expense. I wanted to live more modestly, working a simple part-time job and shopping at thrift stores and saving my money but she would tell me that's what poor people do, and I'm not poor.
My parents supported me going to college to study Japanese, but would also constantly berate me up until I moved into the dorm that I would never succeed if I watched Japanese anime and listened to Japanese music. When I tried to explain that my interest in the culture was giving me a great head-start in learning the language my mother mocked me asking "so, are you fluent yet?" and then when I tested into an accelerated course because I found I already knew basic sentence structure and how to write simple characters they bragged to all their friends.
My mother always bragged about me to her friends, but inside the house I never got that praise. My mother loves to put on this glamorous front to everyone she meets. Everyone she knows always gets expensive gifts around the holidays and usually she has a best friend who she will shower with designer things and they are inseparable for years until inevitably they do something she doesn't like and are dropped like a hot potato. This has happened a few times that I know of.
My older brother is 30 and still not making a living, my mother always gives him money and pays his bills for him, but he was never abused like I was. He never cleaned his own room. Mom did it or ordered me to do it. Yet she always berated me for my room not being clean enough.
It wasn't just verbal/emotional abuse.....If I had a "sour" look on my face (which was usually a confused look after I was yelled at for not even doing anything bad) I immediately got a hard slap on the face.  My mother often took out her stress and anger on me when something happened at an inconvenient time for her. Once my teacher called my house because I was late to class often and "not doing well" (because the material was way below my level we found later) and I had just had a shower and she took my hairbrush and beat me with it. Once in the morning she got frustrated while brushing my hair and brushed it so roughly my scalp bled.
If I cried in front of her from the abuse she mocked me. "Oh look, she's cryyyying, she's saaaaad"
What affected me most was the way she would scream and yell directly in my face to the point where I actually winced. But that was her normal way of dealing with things....she always screamed, yelled, and threw a tantrum when something didn't go her way at home or in the car. And if I calmly asked her to be quiet because I was on the phone, or I did something so rude as to shut the door to my room to block her out, the verbal attacks were then directed at me, calling me "rude" and an "*******". My dad would either tune her out or tell her to stop calmly, but that never worked. My mom had this habit of ranting and raving to thin air at times. Her behaviour was just irrational.
My now-husband came to visit and from a long time ago he said something was strange about the way my mom would just yell my name from somewhere in the house and I would literally jump to attention and hurry to wherever she was to follow her commands. That's because if I didn't do just that, doesn't matter if I was in the middle of studying, playing a game, or boiling water to make hot ramen noodles in my room because she hasn't attempted to make lunch and is sitting there eating cookies all day, I have to be there NOW.
My mother always said that my friends and now-husband would someday see what a horrible selfish jerk I am and see my "real" personality, and they would hate me and I would be miserable and alone...and I would deserve it.

Despite this, I had lots of great friends in high school, my teachers and friends parents also seemed to enjoy having me around, when I went to college, despite my parents trying to tell me what to do despite having no idea what they're talking about (both of them have never been to college) I managed my credits and actually graduated early for my major (4.5 years vs 5) made lots of friends in college and became an officer in both the Japanese Culture Club and Anime Society, volunteered and got part-time jobs and yes, did become fluent but not just by going to class. Married my husband and we are going to celebrate our anniversary, 4th wedding and 7th overall.

But under all of that I have always had low confidence, low self-esteem, whenever I made a date or appointment with a friend I always thought underneath that they would ditch me (I was teased in middle school pretty badly by people who would do that), I often blamed myself for things that went wrong, and when I was about 20 I started having steadily severe panic attacks and depression.

I thought my mom was mean and I was scared of her growing up so I would try to do well in school and stuff, but I thought that was normal. But with my recent symptoms, and recent things going on, I wanted to find out....
was I abused?
is my mother narcissistic?
and what should I do?

[RockRose]

I'm sorry,  your post was so long I didn't read it all,  I kind of stopped after you said you posted on your Facebook that you were cleaning out your mother's house.  

It sounds to me like the animosity between you and your mother is mutual.  I can't imagine posting on my Facebook page that I was cleaning out some specific person's kitchen.  

[Kendradawn88]

RockRose maybe if you would have actually read her post before commenting, you may have understood and had a right to post a reply. Sammi33, in my book how your mother has treated you since you were a child until now is definitely abuse, and it has obviously affected you as a person. Im so sorry you had to grow up that way. Maybe it would help if you had some counseling. I wish I had more input than this, but I'm no psychiatrist. I wish you all the best.                                                

[ku111]

This is only my opinion.  I think it sounds like you probably were abused but in the BIG scheme of things we make choices in life.  When we get on our own we can choose to repeat how we were raised or change it and do it better.  I tell my kids all the time if they don't like something I have done then change it and make it better.  I don't (for many reasons) do things like my parents and I can be mad or hurt or simply just change it.  I have that right as an adult and need no ones approval.  I love my parents and just accept them for who they are and don't go along with things that I don't want to.  I can't fix others.  I can only make myself the best I can be.  I really would have been hurt with the facebook post.  Just a thought.  Be the bigger and better person.  

As to Rock Rose-  People come here for help and support.  Sorry her post was so long to you but maybe she has never told anyone these things before.  You had a choice to answer and to read the post.

[margypops]

I was wondering why you had to clean your moms fridge out , and why it was your concern?I could understand she may not have liked it ...

[RockRose]

To kendradawn and ku,  i had skimmed the post,  just not read word for word and chose not to comment on the remainder of the post.

Sometimes,  in parent or spousal relationships,  a person only looks at one side,  which I believe she is doing.  Her mother sounds like a fanatic,  and very into fashion and appearances and luxuries,  and she is the polar opposite.  That, in the most healthy parents,  will cause stress. In an unhealthy parent,  it will cause explosiveness.

At that point,  you can dissociate from them as an adult.  

It's very telling,  and I think very helpful to point out the first part of her post where she appears blindsided and guiltless for posting that her mother's kitchen needed cleaning out.  Taking her mother's personality as a whole,  I think anyone here could predict that would set her off,  and rightfully so.

And to call her mother's rightful rebuke the "last straw",  IMHO,  I think needs to be pointed out.  

It's not being unsupportive to point out that maybe a more fair and balanced look at her relationship with her mother might be in order.

[Sammi33]

Let me be more specific about the facebook post....I merely said "We're cleaning out the fridge, Mom!" and then I said "Phase 2...cabinets." I posted a picture of the fridge all clean and shiny and she actually commented "Great job! It needed a good clean!" at first......then the next day she said "Remove please"

[Sammi33]

I wanted to clean the fridge and cabinets simply because I thought it needed to be done...it had obviously been let go for years and there was some evident repetitive buying that was honestly a bit worrying (My mother's father died of Alzheimer's.) But that could have been caused by the amount of stuff there already was that was getting buried and pushed to the back and forgotten.
Plus my mother obviously thought that I am a pig and can't keep a clean house.....she was telling my father that in the loudest voice possible while I was in the house the week before.
I thought that if my mother came back to the house in January and found that her kitchen had become so organized and she had room in the fridge and cabinets again she would be happy.

I have been trying to look at it every which way, but I believe that she was releasing her anger and stress on me, not simply disciplining me out of love. Simple discipline does not involve smacking on the face for looking confused, yelling and screaming insults literally at the top of her lungs 2 inches from their face and ears, and regularly telling them matter-of-factly that they have a horrible attitude and no personality, and they will never have any true friends, and that even if they marry their husband will divorce them in a year.
I don't ever recall them telling me to my face during my high school years that they loved me, believed in me, just wanted the best for me but were being a little harsh, were sorry for hitting me or screaming at me. The only praise I got was years later, on Facebook or Youtube where others were looking.

Sorry. I tend to be long-winded....I want everyone to understand the story I'm trying to tell....
Thank you everyone for reading and commenting.
ku111, Of course I would never think of screaming and yelling and being violent to my own child! I absolutely detest violence....(that isn't cartoon violence or video game violence) Watching a fistfight or boxing match makes me physically uncomfortable. I have never insulted someone like my mother insulted me. If I am angry at someone I simply tell them why but I never insult their person. ...anyway. you and Kendra...very insightful and good advice.
RockRose, I'm trying to look from all sides...My mother had an abusive mother, and her father only gave her the bare minimum to make sure she was fed and clothed, but no luxuries so she would have the money for later.

[Kendradawn88]

Sammi33, I also had an abusive mother. She is bipolar, ADD, and OCD. As a child, she would beat me and my sister if their was a spec if paper in the floor of our bedrooms. She was always up then down, ok one minute then screaming and hitting us the next. There is tons more examples I could give, but it would take all day. Fortunately she got help when I was 17 and is now on medication, but it has effected me to this day. I now have a 3 year old and I'm dead set on being the very best mother I can. I want her childhood to be the opposite of mine. I try to look at it positively, because now that I'm grown; I realize she was mentally ill, and now Im so thankful that she got help and we are now closer than ever and she is the best grandmother to my little girl. I actually went with her to several sessions at her psychiatrist. That also helped repair our severely damaged relationship. I know how it feels to be abused by your own mother, although our situations are different.. in some ways they are the same. I really hope you and your Mom can resolve your issues. Like I said, counseling may help. About the Facebook post, I see nothing wrong with it. You were just trying to help your Mom and it seems you put great effort into what you were doing for her, and just wanted her to acknowledge and appreciate what you done. That's understandable. Now, I can see if you had put something like "Cleaning out my Mom's nasty kitchen kitchen cabinets and fridge" that she would be offended and upset, but you did not put any such thing. You were just proud of what you accomplished and wanted her to be too, at least I assume. Anyways, I just wanted to tell you some of my story so you could see why I can relate to a degree. As I said, I really do wish you all the best. If you ever want to talk feel free to message me on here.

[Kendradawn88]

And RockRose, I only said that because you clearly stated "I'm sorry, your post was so long, I kind of stopped after you said you posted on Facebook that you were cleaning out your Mother's house" from there, you were kind of rude in my humble opinion, and you didn't even comment on the real issue of why she even posted in the first place.

[RockRose]

Kendra,  I'm sorry that I came off rude.  I often come off rude on a computer screen,  and I'm telling you the truth,  NEVER in person.  Never, truthfully,  and I say the same things.  It's in the delivery with a concerned look and a concerned voice rather than black and white words.  But I do know that often here I  come off rude.

Sammi,  at this point it might be best to cut your losses and distance yourself from your mom.  Since she had an abusive mother too,  she just doesn't "get" it,  and it seems like her presence in your life is toxic.

When you have children,  if  you choose to,  you're going to want to find special friends - maybe older women - who can model loving mothering.  It doesn't come naturally,  it's a learned behavior and you haven't benefited from it.  If you have sisters in law or cousins,  dear friends,  who are terrific mothers,  watch what they do.  

Best wishes.

[Kendradawn88]

Thank you RockRose, I appreciate you explaining. And thanks for the apology. I know often things can be misinterpreted over the computer, text messages, etc.

[allmymarbles]

Facebook is nothing more than a big trouble maker. You may enjoy baring your soul to the anonymous world about you, but other don't. If you hadn't indulged yourself on Facebook, you would have finished the job in your mother's kitchen, hopefully to her delight.

[fed_up3100]

Black rose, you worry me with your comments to people in pain. Here you even admit to not reading the whole post- so without even reading the info offered you have the answers??????