Is my mother emotionally abusive?

[Key27]

I am wondering if my mother is abusive.  She calls me stupid, dumb, and says  things like, "If you were smart, you wouldn't..."  She says, "I am not sh...!"  She constantly nags about what's is wrong in the house when I am there, among other things that I will refrain from saying.  I 27 yers old.I can remember her saying very mean things to me when I was a pre-teen; this is when it started.  I never really questioned it.  I did write about it a lot in my diary, but I thought it was just I'll personailities conflicted.  

In addition, I am currently in an emotionally abusive relationship with my child's father and I have been doing research on emotional abuse because of this.  I figured that it usually comes from romantic relationships, but thinking back, I remember how hurt I was when my mother used to call me names and yell extremely loud at me.  I know that I am not a saint, but this has affected my social relationships.  I feel very isolated from my peers.  My self-esteem is almost gone.  Now, it seems that the teenhood experience has resulted in being in an emotionally abusive relationship with a man that I partly resent.

I don;t know if I'm being overly emotional or is mother really emotionally abusive?  

[jo929]

You need to get out of the emotional abusive situation, if you are not happy, and you cannot live in the past, so try and forget what has happened in the past and move forward,if your mom is still is the same way stay away awhile and see if she can change if not have a talk with her about it, if that does not work then get on with your life, but do not blame mom for you problems now, because you can build your self esteem up get some group therapy, you must know at 27 you do not have to put up with anything you do nort want too, as far as answering the question whether your mother was emotionally abusive or not only you can ans that, and do not live for the past, and blame not,  luck  jo

[devidmerry]

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[txsilver]

Being called stupid, dumb, having someone say you are not s..., these are examples of abusive language and as such verbal abuse.  As we grow up, we are attracted to people with whom we have similar dynamics to the ones we grew up with.  If you are use to being verbally abused, it is not uncommon that you would find yourself in a relationship with someone who verbally abuses you.  It feels normal.  
You don't have to live this way.  You can change the pattern of your relationships.  It takes time and effort, but it is possible.  If you can get into counseling, I highly recommend it.  Counseling can give you a strategy, support and help maintain the momentum of your journey into healthy realtionships and renewed self-esteem.

[Key27]

I think you need to rethink what you said.  The fact that your daughter got upset because her child was acting out. That's different.  I have a child and understand that kids can take you there sometimes.  But my mom has been doing this since I was a preteen.  she has made very negative comments about me.  You need to know that we are a product of our enviornments.  She uses general statements about me like "You can never..." or "You always..."  This makes me feel very bad.  also, You do not have to feel sorry for me (you last comment "sorry").  I just wanted a little advice.  I believe that people should discipline their children and sometimes it involves a little spanking, However, I DO NOT think that it is okay for people to belittle their children on a regular basis.  This leads to what I am going through today.  When I read your comment, it made me feel like yoy were implying that I did something wrong to deserve this emotional abuse.  Yes, I am not perfect, but no one is and no one deserves this abuse.

Key 27

[txsilver]

While there are two perspectives here, that of a daughter and that of a mother, I think (hope) that we would all agree that telling some one they are stupid & dumb and stating that they are not a four letter word beginning in S, are not nice things to be told regardless of your generation.  Even if the intent is to be helpful, the choices that are being made in how to phrase the comments are hurtful.  
Teko, I am guessing that you have not been on the receiving end of years of belittlement.
If your parent had been saying this to you over and over, as implied by the post, would you "get over it"?  
Granted, the facts are limited and, as always, we are only getting one point of view.  That is why I suggested counseling.  If you want to know if your reactions are within a normal range of response, a counselor can help you do that.

[momagain59]

Yes, this is abuse. It is the kind of abuse that hurts from the inside out. It will also make you choose an equally if not worse abusive person for a partner because by the time your Mom gets done tearing you down, you will feel that this is what you deserve. It will also follow through to the way you treat your own children unless you recognize the abuse that you have suffered and get help. You have to try to get healed from this and therapy would be a great place to start. NO one deserves to be called degrading names. Yes, it could have been alot worse but, so what, it can always be alot worse. That does not make it o.k. I am so sorry that you went through this.

[Key27]

I do not think your comments are healthy for this forum.  I am not one who likes to have a pity party or blame others for the things that I do wrong.  I do agree with you that nowadays many are blaming others for their problems.  However, in this forum, there are many hurt people and scar from many past issues.  I really did not realize that I was emotionally abused by mom and boyfriend until I started looking at some of my behavior.  I am not saying that my mom is a bad person, because she is a very helpful person.  She raised me and my sister very well.  She stuck with us when no one else did. She has a beautiful side.  And I do agree that with you-- she does not do it intentionally to me.  I really do not think she realizes how much her words hurt me deep inside, when I tell her she does not hear me.  If she did know, I know for a fact that she would not do it.  'Til this day, if my mom says something nice about me, it makes me feel on top of the world.  I did not realize how much her words meant until one day I thought about---I got dressed and put pretty nice clothes on; I was going out.  She said "You look really nice."  When I stepped out of the door, I was so confident, no one in the world could make me think otherwise.  I am not saying she should lie to make me feel good, but when she thinks or sees something good in or about me, I wish she would say it.  If her good words mean a lot, the bad ones mean even more.  Look, I love my mom from th depth of my heart and would take a bullet for her, I think she is hurt in some way, BECAUSE HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE.  I am a wounded person and this is real I feel it, and I see it. I am not making this up and Teko you really have to watch what you say when you talk in this forum.  Because there are many hurt people here. And although I am sane and I know when to get help, some people might be suicidal. You mentioned back in the day how people dealt with abuse among other things and got over it.  But today people blame and have a pity party.  Just like back on the day, some STD's and minor disease killed people, but today we know the causes, symptoms, cures for many of these diseases.  This the same for abuse.  There are some people that play the blaming game, but Teko I am not one of them. I believe people do make their own choices and earn their own consequences.  I cannot change your mind, I hope you will open your mind a little from the past.  I believe you have a lot to offer, because you have lived longer than me and have seen history past.  I will leave you with this:  If you get a small wound on a part of your body and it never has the proper care and you keep injuring that same wound.  Years go by and the wound on your body keeps getting injured.  Soon or later, you will catch an bad infection and die.  Emotional abuse and what I experienced feels and is a wound.  As a teen and a young adult, I was in bad relationships with people who kept injuring my wound inside.  I realize this within the past month.  I would never walk away from the bad relationships, because I was too wounded and sick inside to leave and feel like I can do better.  BUT THE BLESSING IN THIS IS, i REALIZE THIS NOW AND i AM NOT SUBJECTED TO ABUSING  AND HURTING MY DAUGHTER. I am not saying that I won't discipline her or I won't ever say things that might hurt her, but I will be cognizant of what I say and how i say it.  THIS IS THE BLESSING!  

[Titustwo]

Dear key,
I enjoyed txsilver and momagain59 comments I think they were right. Isn't it good to know that we don't have to (mentally) stay in abusive relationships. I am not suggesting that you cut off your relationship with your mom, but mentally you can cast down those negative words and not receive them and replace them with positive ones. I find that getting into the bible and finding out what God says about me to be good, loving and helpful. If you have a bible read Jeremiah 29:11 and  Phillipians 4: 4-8 it is good as well. Jesus loves you and he has a purpose for your life. God doen't make mistakes and you are not one.  The Bible says in John 3:16-17  "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. 17. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved."
Take care

[abusedbeauty]

I googled abusive mother..and here is the forum I got directed to.  Ever since I was young my mother physically and emotionally abused me.  I always felt she favored my sister over me and these days im 24 she ..makes that clear and even admits it.. She constantly compares us and she 7 times out of 10 will say a bad thing about me as opposed to a good one.  In fact...I do nothing right.. she it is liek she only sees the worst in me and the good things are invisible.  It is so strange bc I know I am attractive... and successful but b/c of how many times she has put me down I actually have such low self esteem and never even thought I could get a nice fiance.. I always set the low bar for myself.  It hurts bc nowadays..she has caused me so much suffering, she has controled my life in ways that have lost me many good opportunities in marriage and etc.  It hurts bc I knwo my suffering is as a result of her treatment, neglect and abuse when I was younger..till now.  I took drugs to counter battle it...as a teen..only led to the worst I am sure you can imagine and now being clean..it just hurts..bc now instead of numbign my feelings I am dealing with them.  my fiance tells me always I dont knwo how you have such low self esteem..it is as if you are blinded and see yourself in a bad way...?  I really feel this way though! worthless and ugly..bc of how she has put me down constantly.  Also, I noticed she had a jealousy factor when I was a teen ...and till now.  Mind you she doesnt torture my less attractive sister.  Why?  I wish I could see a professional so he can coach me through repairing this damage but I never was able to and I still cant.  No insurance.  Help! Any doctors here?

[allmymarbles]

You are 27 years old. At that age, no matter what your past, you have to take responsibility for yourself. I know that is a very un-American thing to say when we are taught to blame all our shortcomings on our mother, or father, or society. But when you look in the mirror, you don't see mom, or dad, or society. You see you. If you are in an abusive relationship and tolerate it, no one can help you. You are the only person who can get herself out of it. If you want to.