Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

Is this abuse?

I live with my boyfriend and his mother in a house I own. I am 29 years old and have discovered both him and his mother have symptoms of bipolar. She is being treated with Seroquel and he has yet to be seen by a doctor. I have made an appointment for him next month. When he wakes up in the mornings by an alarm or by me and not on his own, he gets very angry. He`ll throw his phone and say things like he might as well drive off a cliff. He slams doors threatens to kill the dog and cusses. Eventually he`ll say sorry, but this keeps happening in cycles. Sometimes he`s very angry at night as well. He started his laundry and fell asleep, so I asked if he wanted me to finish his laundry. He said I don`t *^(I^(%! care if you throw it away! ...Its seems when he gets depressed he gets angry and when his mom is depressed she crys and crys over the littlest things. I`m so stressed out my hair has been falling out so much my hair stylist said I should see a doctor to check my thyroid. Anyway...my question is is his behavior abuse? It keeps happening and it makes me so angry, but I keep my mouth shut so he doesn't get angrier.
13 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
757137 tn?1347196453
I don't know if this is abuse, but these people are nutso - if it were me I would get rid of them.
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
It's a great start, willingness is everything~ i hope it works out for you both. and I pray that his mother finds her peace and a space of her own. You're a wonderful woman to support your husband this way, you're making brownie points in heaven ~
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I`m glad you stuck by him and everything worked out. So many people are quick to judge. Thank God you were there! I bet his friends are realy greatful deep down. He is one lucky man!
I have spoken with my boyfriend about his actions and moods. I have made a decision to be honest with him and his mother. I am a very patient person. But from now one I vow to be honest with myself and with them. I told him I was not going out of my way to point out things, but if anyone`s actions caused me concern or made my anxiety worse I will let them know loud and clear. He has the same feelings towards his mother that I do. Its like she is the child and we are the adults. She has emotionally checked out. I love her but she definitely needs more therapy, which she is going to get. As for him and I, he apologized sincerely for his actions in the past and said he knows he should not say the things he says and that he admits his mind races sometimes when he is trying to go to sleep or wind down after a long day. I explained to him that`s why I think he may be bipolar (that and his sister has been diagnosed as bipolar and his mother has similar issues) and he said he understood why. He says he is not depressed but knows he needs to see a doctor. We agreed that sleep is vital to everyone and he will see the doctor and do whatever it is he needs to do to get well again.
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
My biggest fear was that I would lose him, he's a real sweet guy :) I also knew i could not leave him in a mess, i've seen too much of bad going to worse. There were a few of his friends that really hated me for having him committed. I guess to them it was like I ratted him out to the police or something. That mentality. So, I had to walk alone, and carry my head up and walk by their nastiness when we past in the hall while visiting him.

I made sure that I did visit him every chance I could , for as long as possible. I demanded that I be fully involved in his treatment, knowing exactly what they were doing with him.  I brought him food, and those posters that you color with markers.   He fought through the paranoia that I was the enemy because I was always there to show him that I cared and I told him often that very soon he would be coming home, after he got the best possible care. Slowly, he began to believe just that, and within a few months, the nightmare was over, thus far never to return. Knock on wood.

The final straw that had me commit him was that he placed a blender on an element on the stove and watched it burn and melt. He also was saiyng the exact same types of things that your husband was saying, and thinking catostrophically, like refusing gas money before driving and being quite willing to live with the consequences as opposed to avoiding problems. It's like he had given up thinking that everything was going to be okay. My first (X) husband who was never diagnosed but after exhibiting the same characteristics as your husband and my own, slit his wrists in front of me. He lived, but refused therapy and so i had to withdraw and divorce him. He gave me no other choice.  But I learned a very valuable lesson that day about how quickly bad can go to worse, and it made me strong enough to quickly act and do what it took to commit and protect my current husband.  It was like I had to treat my husband like I would my child, and lose the fear of his condemnation. His safety and return to his prior mental state was all that mattered, and when he showed that he was really not himself, I had to act. I was the only one that would or could.  He later told me that I saved his life, and from my past dealings with mental illness, I just might have. I'm here for you, if you need help to act on this. God bless y'all. Liz
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you for your thoughts. glad you shared! To many people give up so easily. I suppose that's why the divorce rate is 50%. I`ve learned a lot about sleep and the importance, he never gets the same amount of sleep. Its amazing how many people are affected by mental illness I`m learning all I can. Very glad to hear your story worked out for you. So many people would see Schizophrenia and run, you are very understanding. That`s what I`m trying to do for him, understand. Thank you again!
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
My first husband never did get help. I met my 3rd and current husband when i was 39 when we both struggling with addiction. We chose sobriety, The timing was right. We had both lost so much in our lives, it was time to win again.  About 2 years in an event happened and he was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia.  Not a big deal. He just needed sleep.

Since you've been with your partner for 13 years i certainly can see why you would give your partner every chance to work on a solution to his recent problems. Is there any way to expedite his getting his own script? probably of Seroquel. It's AMAZING how important steady deep sleep is for a body..... if not to dream..

I'm so sorry that you're life has been up side down for this last year, you probably seldom were at odds with your husband and having to deal with the emotions of having a constant niggling fight on your hands everyday I know is exhausting. and, it's unfortunate that your mate can't see that right now. If he did, he would talk to you and his apologies would feel organic to you. I pray he finds his way back to you. I'll send you a freind request, so you know you have friends here always to talk to. :) Liz
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1693250592
One other thing, in another post you mentioned that you need their help to pay your mortgage.  Please don't let that be the primary deciding factor.  There are other roommates in the world who can help a homeowner pay her mortgage, it does not have to be a pair like this who come with so many issues.  If you transition out of the relationship because it is simply too much, nobody can blame you, and also you could build in the finding of a new roommate or even two, who are peaceful and quiet people.  You really need to keep in mind that in that regard it is not a non-negotiable that they have to stay with you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 13 years and he just last year he started having these mood swings. His mother has been with us for 5 months. She has been diagnosed with depression many years ago. At least 30 years. I think she was misdiagnosed. That`s just me though, I`m no expert. But her new psychiatrist put her on bipolar meds, and told her it would help her sleep. It hasn`t yet. She is the most emotional person I`ve ever met, there is no in between with her. When she`s happy its like she`s on speed, when she`s sad she bawling, all within a few minutes. I am trying to stick around for my boyfriend cause I know mental illness runs in his family and I want to give him a fair chance to get well. So I hope the doctor can offer some help. As far as therapy goes, that maybe really hard to get him to go. But only time will tell. thank you for you advise. Sorry you had to deal with that yourself.
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
Youve mentioned that you've been with your boyfriend , and his mother , for at least a year, with no prior symptoms on your boyfriends part. What of the mother, is this new behavior for her as well? It sounds like it may have been a deepseated habit, that they may be getting back to ?? I think that it would be a good idea , if you chose to become thier caretaker , that you insist on therapy with your boyfriend, and for your boyfriend , as well as for your boyfriend's mother. Any abuse however it is manifested must be brought into the light with a professional person helping to bring about the desired change. That's a big order. Remember dear, the first year of dating is meant to allow you to be pragmatic, and get a look at whether what you're getting in your date is going to fullfill YOUR  wish list in a partner .  I wonder if this process was rushed for you?

Please feel free to private message anyone at all that you want. God Bless. On a personal note, I lived with the manifested hell of a sick man for a lot of years, I wasted my later teen years and much of my 20's. SO NOT WORTH IT. He never got anywhere near well... What a waste of my life.. You don't have to be the caretaker of the mentally ill to be a good person.  God will still love you if you look out for number one. They have each other still if you decide to have them move on. There is help for them both.  Liz
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Yes, he just started acting like this last year and it`s only so often. It`s like he`s a different person some days. I have researched bipolar and keep reading about how its not in the person`s control when they act that way. They say its not them its the bipolar. I`ve read about a famous actor who threatened to kill his wife, he is bipolar and was delusional and said if it weren`t for her he`d never get through his bad days. She stuck by him cause he had a mental illness (bipolar). Whether its bipolar or not, anytime i call him out on it (after he calms down) he becomes depressed. I`ve also read that bipolar people should not be confronted with the past cause it makes the depression worse. Well any "normal" person would see this behavior as unacceptable, but when you add bipolar, its excused. I guess that is up to me. Well I tired of it. thank you
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1693250592
Are you actually asking if this is symptomatic of bipolar?  And if it will go away if he gets on meds?  Because I agree with RockRose that it doesn't matter if it is "abuse" or not, if you don't like it you should not have to live with it.  Are you kind of hoping that all will be well if he gets treatment?  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you for your response. Maybe its best asked in the bipolar forum.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
I'm not sure why so many people who post in this forum want to know if a situation that is very difficult should be entitled "abuse".  

I don't think it really matters what you call it - whether you call it unpredictability,  immaturity,  whatever,  I wouldn't continue to be in a relationship with this man.  
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Abuse Support Community

Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398565123
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.