Is this abuse?

[Luna85]

Hi I am a 30 year old female and I work as a caregiver. I had a situation last night with one of my regular clients where he kept hugging me whilst I had finished getting him ready for bed (he is susceptible to falls so we help him with this as a precaution) and he then put his hands on the backs of my hips and then squeezed my bum. I was quite surprised at this as it happened before but we laughed it off and he apologised the next day.

After squeezing my bum he then broke down and said he and his late wife (who I also cared for) used to have a fantastic sex life. I reassured him saying it must be still difficult since she is no longer with us. He then said he thinks he's trying to make up for it.

Is this seen as abuse? I have informed my office and supervisor. My supervisor knew who it was before I named him and I feel terrible for reporting him. I felt terrible when I woke up today - feeling sick, not being able to feel up to eating, getting 5 hours sleep, ending up with bags under my eyes and just getting tearful.

[Abigail52]

I agree with srh28 my sweet Aunt had that n she was the sweetest church going every Sunday women you would never meet and for whatever reason she wanted to talk about sex all the time. I would just laugh it off and tell him no you can't touch me like that my husband would get so upset or something like that. He is in his last day's n it's such a sad awful death

[SB_87]

Hello I do same work as well. I've done assisted and memory care. I've been slapped on the ***, punched in the face, my breast was touched, my *** was squeezed, hands on my hips, awkward hugs that turned into a quick feel, heard sexual comments, heard venting sexual frustrations all from different old guys I'm my years of work. I don't take any of it personal. These guys are just creep old men and some with memory issues. I even had a old lady tell me to feel her up and lick it. All I do is pull back from whatever they are up too and remind them that is inappropriate and then I'll make a joke to ease the uncomfortable, but I do report it and write in their books what happened, then I'll warn fellow Co workers. I'm 28.

[lea_cattel]

In any sense I wouldn't categorize what he did as an abuse. However I would categorize it as an attempt. There is nothing wrong with what you did because all you did was protocol and if it's not his intention to grab your bum then it wasn't your intent to offend him. Reporting him is just an occupational hazard. And you never know, what if you didn't report him and that gave him the idea that you like being touched. Imagine what he could've done after that.

[Nighthawk61]

He'll end up going through care givers until he finds one that is tough enough to set him straight, where he will fear reprisal and no longer do the action. It's good that you talked to your supervisor and opened yourself up to their suggestions as to what happens next. It sounds like you've been sheltered by this type of behavior and this is your first experience with bad behavior at your expense. and that's why you're so upset. This type of thing happens from time to time, when working in your field., as srh28 mentions, dementia in patient's can have this outcome easily and therefore, it's more like an opportunity for you to "handle" this type of unfortunate set of circumstances. "Abuse", no I wouldn't call it abuse, i would put in the category of a "challenging set of circumstances". You must practice how you are going to deal with this , and maybe discuss it with your boss before you do so, to make sure you have their support.

Sir, I feel badly for you that you have lost your wife, but that in no way a good enough excuse to put your hands on another women who is paid to be your caretaker and young enough to be your grand daughter. I have spoken to my boss and they have told me that if this happens again, that they will have to remove you from my care. If you touch me again, i will forcefully remove your hand and tell my boss. I hope this doesn't have to happen, but if you continue to act this way, you will give me no choice in the matter.

Of course, the fact is that in your field, you will probably come up against the same situation where the patient has little control over his emotions an his actions. and it will take a caregiver to remove hands and admonish the perpetrator on a regular basis. So , I agree this is part of the job, to deal with this sort of thing.

You may be crying more out knowing that this type of thing can happen in the job that you've chosen. and it upsets you. You might use this experience to motivate you to go back to school and find something that in the long run , will be more gratifying for you? usually it takes something like this, for people to consider making a move in another career direction.

Let us know how you're doing. This is a great place to make friends to talk to about what's going on at work. So i'm here if you need to talk, about anything.

Liz

[specialmom]

Oh, and I do want to add that I'm sorry this happened as you are clearly upset.  You were just doing your job and this was gross and unwelcome.  So, very sorry it happened.  

[specialmom]

Hi there.  No, I really don't think this is abuse in a true sense and something you should blow so out of proportion.  It's gross.  He's a horny old guy who copped a quick feel.  Now you know to be careful around him.  But it's not dangerous or something to cause tears in my opinion.  I've had a jerk grab my behind at a bar before.  Worthy of a dirty look and a 'hands off' comment but I didn't get emotional about it.  You told your employer which is good and it can be dealt with in a professional way.  And yes, it is tacky and gross but I'm not sure about all of the intense emotion you are speaking of in terms of not sleeping and crying.  Not in 'that' caliber of events to cause such emotion from my point of view.  good luck to you and perhaps he should be removed from your client roster.  But abuse?  Not in my opinion.  

[srh28]

honey in your line of work u r lucky thats all he did. its not abuse it just comes with the job. doea he have dementia. some things are expected. Just redirect him and let him know you dont like it. if hes in gis right mind he shall stop, otherwise maybe u should find another client.