Is this abuse

Question

Hi there..here is my story... Met a girl 2 yrs ago this past April. Friday nite date... ended up hanging out the whole weekend...Then it started.. She was there 7 days a week.. 5 to 10 phone calls a day...emails... blew in like a hurricane and stayed 2 yrs.. Over this period of time..I started noticing her crazy erratic mood swings.. hypersensitive.. couldnt spend a night alone.. Needed constant validation...overly emotional... If i mentiond a pimple on her nose she freaked.. if i yelled at my son to get out of the shower .. she told me she couldnt take the yelling.. we couldnt have a discussion or disagreement without her panicking and running out of the house and ending the relationship only to call days later apologizing. She started making me choose between her and my son who is 13.. that he was old enough to leave alone and I should come visit her. A year into the relationship she flippantly announced she had been diagnosed with panic/anxiety disorder but wasnt taking her meds, they were in the car glovebox because she was afraid of the side effects... Finally got her to counselling. She broke up with me a half dozen times in the last 3 months. Could never do enough. Wasnt loving enough.. wasnt romantic enough.. didnt kiss her enough and get this didnt hug her hard enough.. So after she ended it this past Mar I went to the same counsellor who said she believed she was bipolar instead.. online one night a guy told me to look up borderline personality disorder. and it was a light went off.. The reason i say that is her mother was panic/anxiety and used to run my girl to her moms sister in another city every couple months cause she couldnt cope.. when she hit 2 yrs old this woman said to my girls mom if you bring her again Im keeping her.. she did so she did.. so my girls aunt raised her as her own and untill she was 14 believed this family to be hers.. at 14 she was told that in fact they were aunt uncle and cousins.. To this day when my girl and her mother are in the same room her mother doesnt acknowledge her..She has been married twice.. 42 yrs old... and always said to me that im going to go find a guy to love me for me...I feel so beaten down... 1 year out... I never did enough... never met her needs.... never gave enough....Jumped from me to some other guy last March... would yell and scream and rage at me over insignificant things. Through me up against the wall one night... At the end it was all my fault in her words... So I still carry so much guilt and feel Im to blame... She tries to engage with my mother when she sees her as if nothing happened.. My mother walks right by. She has engaged me once or twice and told me to get over it. I feel abused...

hawaiibunny7 · Answer

I am sorry you let your 13 year old son around someone like that, whether you loved her or not.  I would wait till he's grown up and out of the house before you take on another fixer. your son should be your main priority, I have no doubt that her actions has had some affect on your son who is at the age where he is about to start dating, or looking at girls to date. your his dad and his example.

FariGiraffe · Answer

To be honest Gary, I think it's a form of abuse, and a form of control. She is trying to control you in a way, by using her disorder. I think that you should just leave her alone. She needs to help herself, and get her stuff together. You should be able to have a good healthy relationship with someone, and not worry about having to constantly be with them. I mean relationships need people to have thier own space, and she seems like she doesn't want to give you space, in fear of her being alone. When she tells you to come visit her and leave your son alone...well that's not a good sign. I mean my parents' left me alone when iw as 13 after school for a couple hours...normal things like that to gain thier trust and show responsiblity. But they would never just leave me alone, fend for myself and go off and have thier own time...tey didn't do that till I was at least 16 lol. Just get out of the relationship, and work on yourself as well. You're worthy of someone so much better. She just needs to get her head on straight. You don't want to be stuck in a relationship like that.

susieq87 · Answer

You were a victim of her disorder.  There is a book called codependency and it really might open your eyes and help you to see it isn't your fault.  You can't own someone else's behavior.  It's not yours to own.

RockRose · Answer

Gary - to know that you're a "fixer" is a lot of insight,  I think.  

So,  it's not just her,  it's other relationships (none this horrible) that have been based on rescuing a damsel in distress?   

Best wishes working on that.  That last relationship is probably great motivation to change!  ;D

tamtam504 · Answer

hi. first of all your son should always be number1. he was there first and will be there when she is long gone.My ex-husband married a nut like this she told him to chose also and now she is gone and guess what his relation ship wiyth our son who is now 15 has the best realatinship with his dad than he has ever had and the new fiancee is going to be the best step mom ever i really think if it has not worked for two tears it nis time for you to get on with the future out with the old in with the new good luck and best wishes tam tam

gary1958 · Answer

well id like to tell you all .. that ive taken the last year to heal .. to feel sorry for myself lol.. but mostly to look inward,, cause i really dont know why I stayed... i remember when she through me up against the wall and ran out the door.. i yelled at her as she got in the car.. that was physical abuse.. and she called 3 days later and i took her back... I know i am a fixer and am working on that

RockRose · Answer

Gary,  is it possible for you to get feedback from friends?   Like,  early on in the next relationship?

I have a dear friend and coworker who keeps dragging home rats.  I don't get it,  really.  He seems like a normal guy,  nice to be around,  fun,  intelligent, and he keeps dragging home mentally ill crazies to have relationships with.  How he can't see this is beyond me - we socialize as a group of 40 people or so,  and we can ALL see that his woman of the year is a nut.  And we're very open minded,  a social work group.  These women are  . . . obviously impaired.  

Can you ask your friends?  Next go round for you,  don't ask a woman out on a Friday night and think it's great that she's still there on Sunday.  Eeks.   I think almost all of us could have pegged her as real trouble.

gary1958 · Answer

welll I wouldnt say i liked it.. but i did love her.. and it was progressive.. didnt start out nearly as bad

jo929 · Answer

If i were you i would get on with my life, and if someone told me to choose between my kid and her or him they would be out of the door so fast,and that would be the last time i would see that person, but you must have liked it you stayed a long time, also why would you want someone that acted like that?   luck  jo.

RockRose · Answer

Gary,  maybe besides defining whether you were abused or not,  it might be more helpful before you start another relationship down the road to do some real introspection.

Psychoanalyzing her will probably not get you anywhere positive - like driving looking in the rearview mirror.  Not very helpful.

Maybe counseling might help you discover what made you put up with this crazy relationship for two years.  Just reading your post gets me agitated - I can't imagine 2 years of that.