My husband and I have a different sexual desire. He wants to have a sex almost every night, but for me it is OK to have it once in two weeks. He is really insisiting on having sex more often, and although I have no desire I have to follow his request. He does not forse me, but keeps tauching me and asking for sex, untill I finally give up. I was trying to explain him, I get tired by the end of the day and just want to sleep, but itv seems when he is in a mood nothing can stop him. If I decide to avoid sex, he will be mad at me and might stop talking to me for a couple days. From another point I realize if I will not have sex with him he might start looking around. What should I do?
Sorry maybe I wasnt clear, If you dont feel like it it is not in any way possible good to give in especially when you are tired just to keep a man who doesnt care you are tired , , so please do not do that you will go through life feeling demeaned .Talk to him tell him how you feel if he loves you he will see your point of view ,its not all about keeping men happy, its your life .........
My response still stands ,you do not have to have sex if you do not want to , tell him how you feel, what kind of relationship would you have if you are tired and you give way each night , it will make you resentful,and unhappy ...go with your gut ,its telling you not to... unless you want to ...its about your own self worth, tell him how you feel if he loves you he will understand ...good Luck
Hm. Well, wouldn't this be like any other conflict in a marriage? Isn't communication and compromise the best policy? Isn't sex about intimacy rather than the act? Okay, men are men but I think a spouse's feelings on the subject should count. Mine do. I actually commend this poster for also thinking of the flip side and realizing sex is important to her mate. She may work that factor into her compromise and instead of every day come up with a two times a week schedule. But communication is the key here. Sex drive takes a nose dive when one spouse makes it clear that it is about the act vs. the intimacy of it. Demanding it sends that message. Just my opinion. We need to feel like our feelings count in a relationship.
This thread is a bunch of women talking about intimacy, and communication, and sex.
Guys want sex. I'm 50, and I know this now. To a guy, sex means all those things, and to a woman, they want to cuddle and communicate and largely be left alone in bed if they don't feel like having sex.
Husbands aren't like that. It doesn't take that much effort to give them that. It takes more effort to refuse. And MAN will it make your life better and more fun.
Margy, I'm sorry if somehow I seem to have offended you.
It sounds to me (and i have a degree in social work) that your husband has a problem that he is not facing - not the sex, but his anger.
It isn't TECHNICALLY abuse, but borders on it. You should check with your local police or district attorney's office (whoever it is who brings criminals to justice in MA - you know from TV) what your rights are about saying know. In some states, if a wife says NO and the husband proceeds to have sex against her will, it's RAPE - in other's it is not.
Are you in therapy? You live in a large community - or at least near one. If you cannot afford it, there is probably some low cost or free alternatives. Try the woman's abuse hotline if you need help with counseling. They can also answer the "when is it rape?" question, come to think of it.
My suggestion is twisting his arm to get him into couple's therapy.
Have you ever ever heard of a famous Greek comedy called Lysistrata? She organizes all the women of Athens and Sparta to end a war. How?
They take over the Acropolis of both cities, where the treasuries were located, so no $$ - and NO SEX FOR ANY MARRIED MEN!
How about no meals and no sex until he agrees to couples counseling - even if you have to go stay at a friend's house? You can dp the other chores, including shopping, when you know he is at work.
Honestly Rockrose, I disagree with you. First of all, generalizations like that make me very uncomfortable. Sex should be a part of marriage but something that is mutually agreed upon. Maybe a spouse with less libido can participate more often and a spouse that is an every day sort can settle for less. If a compromises that result in a working relationship. Otherwise, where is the respect for the other? I know that I would not stayed married to someone that did not respect me. I'm not much younger than you Rock and I don't see sex as my duty but as a part of intimacy in our marriage. And frankly, I don't think all men are as simple as you describe. My husband would not be interested in sex with me if he thought I was just "giving in and holding my breath until its over."
As to the poster, I'd go the communication and schedule route and consider a marriage therapist that will guide you as a couple to a point of compromise. It isn't abuse for a husband to want sex. It isn't wrong for a woman to not be in the mood. But it is an issue that a couple must work out. good luck
I agree with RockRose, some men just can't live without the sex. My husband look like one of them. It seems he has a same physiological requirement for sex as other people for food or sleep. You can hold your hunger for some time, but then you have to eat. I realize it, I also realize he might be not happy about sex without passion from a partner (I would be very depressed if my partner would behave like I am), but from another side I feel sometimes very frostarated about him beeing very insisting when I have absolutely no desire.
skrom, I went through several years of ZERO libido after my 3rd child was born, and it was awful, so I totally sympathize with you. It's like I would have rather cleaned the toilets than had sex, and that's the honest truth. I realized at some point how much energy it was taking me to avoid sex - not dressing cute, not sitting next to my husband, not kissing him on the cheek, not holding his hand, anything to keep him from trying to have sex.
Finally i just thought this is nuts I'll just have sex when he wants it and after a short while he stopped badgering me (that's what it felt like, honestly, badgering) and went cut back to a more reasonable intervals between sex.
I wish you well. I think this can work out, it just takes effort.
I don't mean to be contradicting anyone here. I felt like after my first post I was being contradicted on purpose. Everyone's opinions are of course always welcome. I just felt like after I posted that I was contradicted. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't think so.
A major difference between men and women sexually is that a woman can be passive during the act. She does not have to be aroused. You have an especially low sexual need. Your husband's is high. You can please him passively, so where is the harm? Marriage implies a gratification of sexual need. If you constantly turn him away, given his need he will find gratification elsewhere. It would be hard to blame him.
As I posted above I disagree, you are demeaning yourself in giving way to his needs when as you say yourself that you are tired and cant face it, I suggest that you ask for some counselling to find out what the professionals have to say ...
Just wanted to note that I was giving advice to the poster and any disagreeing I did was not on purpose but because I disagreed and am trying to help the poster. I have a different point of view and was only trying to express why. As a therapist, intimacy issues come up very often. And if compromise is not part of the solution most often resentment and bitterness result. I looked at it as a situation in its entirety rather than just men see sex differently than women. I was trying to help her work around that to come to a point in which they were both satisfied with the result. If she had been willing to meet his frequency level of sex, then she wouldn't have posted. It is okay to say not this time maybe tomorrow and then try to save some energy for it. Also, she does not say what stage she is in----- whether or not she has young children and from experience (smile) I can say that this matters. So, I thought compromising rather than having no input would have better results for the poster.
Only wishing the poster the best------ truly. I respect all here and know that we all have our opinions. Being contradictory on purpose was not my intent. However, this may sound contradictory too . . . I would be inclined to "blame" a spouse for cheating no matter what the reason. Cheating is cheating and it is always wrong. Just wouldn't feel good about myself if I didn't say that. LOL But not trying to step on anyone's toes!
Anyway, I hope that the poster is able to work this out so both feel good about it. best wishes
When there is pronounced sexual incompatibility there is no simple solution. Yes, although cheating cannot be condoned, I should think that extreme frustration on the husband's part might drive him to it.
I know of a case where the situation was reversed. The wife had a high need and the husband's was low. The wife did not cheat, but lived a very unfulfilled life. Her natural good humor suffered and she was often irritable and out of sorts. She told me later that had she had a secret affair on the side it would have made for a more joyous household. Needless to say, the wife having the greater need made the situation more difficult.
"He is really insisting... although I have no desire..."
"He... keeps touching and asking... until I finally give up."
"If I decide to avoid..., he'll be mad at me and might stop talking to me for a couple of days."
If you weren't talking about an adult male and sex, I would almost swear that you were talking about a spoiled and whiny 6 year old! Tell him that you'll have sex when you're rested and ready... until then, tell him to cool his jets!
I think many of you do not understand true marriage. It is each partner giving himself/herself to the other. That is why it is called a union. If you want to lead a single life, a situation where only you matter, then don't get married.
Women cuddle, men screw. Same fuzzy feelings gotten in different ways. I would say to you that if you worry about losing him, then you both should meet each other half way somehow. You are on opposite ends of the spectrum and you both need to compromise. If he is not willing to do this, then maybe he is not the mate for you afterall. Sex is a huge part of a relationship this is true, but respect about each others wants and needs and happiness is as well. Someone who truly loves you will put your needs above their own. Even if that means compromizing oneself to do it. Good luck to you.
Now see Allymymarbles, you actually are expressing my point. HE should also consider his wife's feelings. HER feelings also matter. Hence, compromise seems in order. At least that is how I perceive marriage in the 21st century. Also agree with above that if someone pouts for a couple of days--------- that is actually a greater issue than any other here. They sound like they both need skills to address the other to have their individual needs met. His AND hers.
No one is saying she shouldn't have sex with her husband-------- I think they are all (myself included) saying that they should communicate and compromise so that both feel better about the situation.
So really, putting on a therapist hat here . . . I'd ask the original poster what other problems are pronounced in the relationship? I think that there are probably several and intimacy issues are typically secondary to that. Often, when a couple works on those "other issues" in a relationship, intimacy improves.
I also have another thought on the subject. With divorce so prevalent there is less of a conviction that marriage is permanent. So if you go through a difficult period, there is less motivation to work things out.
Mind you, I am not against divorce. If there is a partner who is a gambler, a drunk, a criminal, a brute, or a layabout, divorce is a blessing. But I notice that people are increasingly intolerant of their mates, and of other people in general. When I returned to the States after an absence of about 25 years I found many changes and developments. The language change was surprising and interesting. But the rise in narcissism was appalling. One's personal needs, one's personal desires, even one's personal fitness, seemed to take precedence over personal relationships. Many people can't even "commit" to marriage anymore. Sad really. And lonely.
If you have a decrease in sexual feelings/desire since you got married, and are always tired, perhaps the problem is physical. Maybe your first step is a complete check up, starting with a gynocologist, and being honest about your lack of sexual interest and lack of energy. I say that because to often we ALL try to downplay the problem with the doctor, afraid that they will think we are exaggerating. Or tell us we have a horrible disease. (g)
I was almost like that with my urologist, positive I had cancer of some sort, although my PSA was great. It was a minor, benign problem associated with (sigh) aging, and a pill a day fixed it up - after avoiding the issue for 6 months.
WE all keep telling you "therapy" but that depends on both your attitude towards that and your husband's attitude towards that .As a retired therapist, I know that a spouse "blackmailed" into couples' therapy will not only not get anything out of it - s/he will sabatoge the process.
If you belong to a faith community, perhaps a talk with your religious leader might be in order. Maybe s/he can have a talk to your husband about YOUR needs and rights.which he will respect more.
Even a mutual (male) friend who he splays sports with, or some other male bonding activity, and who you also trust, may be a better way of getting through to him.
Only YOU know who is the right person in your life to approach him and "slap him in the face" to wake him up and say "Your wife has rights too, and if you don;t wake up and pay attention, you will lose her."
Thank you, everyone! I just want to tell a little more about our family. My husband and I live together for more than 15 years and married for 10. We have two children of 9 and 16 y.o. They are good children, although as any other children have their ups and downs. Both me and my husband came from different culture (we are both immigrants from the same country). My hasband does not really spend a lot of time with children, although he helps a lot around the house. I believe because he was rased in single-mother family, he does not really understand the role of the father. He is a nice man in general, but of course has some attitude what I do not like.
We shurely do have other problems then just a sex, and couple times I was about to divorse him, but show me any family where ara no problems.
Can you try different times of the day instead of just at night when you're tired? Also, and I'm NOT saying this man is right, but have you spoken with your doctor about being so tired? I don't know, but it just sounds like nothing is being resolved here. Every night he wants sex, every night you don't, you give in, and then your upset. Night after night after night. Do you think that maybe this just has happened once too often and now subconsciously you are just not into him anymore? It's really not right to not talk to someone because they didn't have sex with you and I can understand that. But I can also understand his side, too. It seems there is something deeper going on here. You guys need to sit down and air all of this out and come to a compromise, or see a marriage counselor. But don't just continue this night after night. Good luck.
I will tell u what is bad is being my age and my husband being older and he never want's sex mabey 1nce a mo or twice it makes me feel ugly and unwanted .Im sick of it.I have been in a marriage were itwas like this and that is awful also. I really don't want sex either it is just the idea he dosen't want it.He will cheat any man NOT getting sex the way they want it just seem's to be their nature a women like was said in a post here will jst go without and i do because idon't cheatbut theris something in a man that most of the time can't be stopped ur hubby sound' like he may have issue's so i would just try every now and then try taking a really hot bath put on a dab of make-up a little perfum and relax and just try anyway im not one to even be giving advice but i know how i see it.
I agree with Rose about it being a two way street. I have some conflict in my relationship on this topic. He wants more sex, I want more sleep. I try not to say things that put his needs and mine in conflict. The answer is not either or in my eyes, but a spiteful comment from a tired grouchy spouse isn't helpful.
It also really helps if I ask for what I need. I think that is easier for some ppl than others. I have found that if my hubby helps around the house and lets me rest (Saturday mornings are great for this) I feel supported, less tired and closer to him. That helps me want more sex.
Communication about sex can be challenging, but it's worth the effort. Best of luck 2u.
Someone said above that sex is huge part of a marriage, well i disagree yes it comes with marriage but it isn't huge what is huge is raising ur children to be the best they can be college etc... men alway's want sex and it is such a turn off how abt a nice back rub without sex being the motive why can't men be more giving it alway's has to be abt the man what happen to the special thing's for women if men would show a side tha wasn't a work up to sex they might get it more often.Why can't the men make a nice candle lite dinner and a big bubble bath etc.....Men aren't what the use to be.My husband has a prob and can't seem to get it up we snuggle in bed and im happy with that bcuz im tired to @the end of the day 3 kid's.Word of the day gentalmen do any of u guy's out here know what thatis anymore?My situation is reversed and i want sex sometimes also but i sur wouldn't bother someone abt it serious turn off i think it is harrasment when the man or women just keep's on when the other is so tired and they just want to go to sleep show some damn respect to the person u are suppose to love and maybe u will get love in return.kitty/melissa.
As for men helping around the house that is not there job an hey will resent u for it i will do my job and my husband can do his now as for takin the kid's on a sat for some alone time would be nice but i don't want anyone doing my job for me a house should be clean i think for the husband when he comes home from a long day's work and for that matter i want my house clean for me and my children it is not a man's job to clean the house maybe im old-fashion on that one not sure but the man bring's home the bacon and deservies a clean house an if he dosen't come home to aclean house then he is not a happy man.
I will repeat it again, since the last time I said it was in the middle of a long post:
IF YOU HAVE HAD A MAJOR CHANGE, EITHER PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL, IN RECENT YEARS, GET A COMPLETE MEDICAL CHECK UP. Since your libido (sex drive) appears to be the main problem (I say appears - it might just be your basic energy level) I would suggest your gynocologist.
* * * *
And please, ladies, can you stop making generalizations about us men? Admittedly, as a gay man I might not be as "typical" a Neanderthal as some of your husbands, or other men you know, but guess what? We DO like to cuddle. Just not as often, or for as long. And I wouldn't make genralizations about gay men, either. I know some who are just as much "wham-bam-thank-you-Sam" as their straight frat brothers, I know some who as soft and cuddly as any of YOU, and play rough sports to relax after working construction all day. (Yes, we are not all hair-dressers and interior designers - you should see what a mess our place is, and I cannot trim my own beard - and we don't own a poodle but a Rottweiler.)
Just as we cannot make generalizations about women, please stop thinking about men as a bunch of hormone driven apes. (but some are) Although it IS true that we are genetically coded to demand possession of the remote control for the TV. My lover and I solved that one by getting a spare. We survived 27 years in a society that rejects us by learning to compromise. Even about differing sexual needs. Two men who don't ALWAYS need it???
I use to be in your shoes. Sounds like your man may be a "sex addict." This has nothing to do with the amount of sex you may or may not give him. He will more than likely find it other places (ex:internet, massage parlors, strip clubs, etc) regardless of how available you are to him sexually. This is not a healthy place for either of you to be. I would urge you both to go to couples counseling. He may not be ready to admit this is a problem just yet though. My spouse had to come to a breaking point where I found out a lot of stuff he had hidden from me so I threatened to leave.
That being said, this also probably means you have your own set of issues that you may or may not be aware of. It's like our therapist has said, if your cup is full, then you most likely will be attracted to those who's cups are full as well. But, if your cup is missing something, you will settle for those who's cups are also lacking. By that, I don't mean you are to blame for your husband's actions, but rather, you more than likely have some stuff to work out as well separately. Even if he refuses counseling, if you have the insurance to cover it or the money to, go. Chances are you won't regret going.
I LOVED reading your comment above! What a breath of fresh air! Hahahaha
The truth is we are all humans with our own genetic codes. Even our individual sexual desires, partners, and energy levels are preprogramed. When young all that was on my mind was sex. I never thought I would ever get enough of it. After some years, marriage, pregnancies, child rearing, work, home responsibilities, major gardening canning freezing and drying food stuff, and minor farming for meat, I was getting physically and mentally tired. Feeling like I was carrying the major part of the load, with few rewards coming my way, I grew depressed. That again killed more sex drive on my part. Hubby was still going strong with just his job, come home and play. I was exhausted physically. But I remained a good sport More years of this put me in the hospital psych ward, and still hubby didn't wake up. Years again later he woke up when I decided to leave. I still loved him no less, but I was soon on a death bed and I wasn't going tpo let that happen. Now 37 years into the marriage, he is wide awake that we are partners, he almost lost me, and now it is time to grow up and live responsibily. Unfortunately in our early sixties, there is no sex. But what we have is better. We talk, hold each other a lot, date, travel, enjoy our cats, and expanding families. I wouldn't trade anything now for what I had when I was younger, except my children as children, and enjoy volunteer work and worthy organizations.
Men are not programmed robots that have to have sex every night no matter if the partner is up to it. People are human. They get tired and sleep has precidence over sex sometimes and this should be respected and honored. If one fears the mate will look elsewhere for sex, the relationship may not be what you want it to be. Nights with no sex has not sent my hubby out looking for some female replacement, or for gays, a male replacement. There should be more in a relationship that just wild sex. Love, caring, honor, appreciation, friendship, laughter, gentleness, respect, honesty, openness, reality but lots of wonderful imagination and playfulness.
Thanks for recognizing that not ALL men are the same.You said it: we're not programmed sex robots.
I'm still waiting to hear if the original poster got a complete medical examination, since she DID admit that it was a drop in HER libido that was the change. This CAN be serious, or just a minor hormonal imbalance.
Rainbow I am healthy, may be just minor depression. My doctor does not even think I need medications for this. For some reason I just need more sleep lately. I'm fine during the day, but in the evening it feels like somebody just turn swich off - no energy, just drop down to bed.
I know you've already gotten a lot of responses, but I wanted to tell you my thoughts.
It seems to me that he does not respect your needs and desires. He is coercing you into having sex with him. Coersion is not a good thing. I was in a relationship with a man who would constantly coerce me into sex and when I finally stood up and told him no, he ended up taking it from me anyway. I definitely am not saying your husband will do this to you, but I don't want to see it happen to you, ever, either.
My recommendation would be to seek out a couples therapist that you can both go to for some help with this. He or she may be able to help you find middle ground where you can both be happy and satisfied.
Masturbation for the more sexually driven partner is a great way to solve any disagreement about how much sex is needed.
Just say he can spend his extra sexual energy on porn and be clear with the limits. He may go after you aggressively because it seems like every alternative use of sexual energy is cheating. Just put limits on not allowing sex chatting or sex with anyone else in person.
Sex once every 2 weeks seems really low, though. If you're that tired and busy that 2 orgasms per month is all you have energy for, you probably need to manage your time/energy differently. Maybe he can save you a couple hours by doing more house chores and be rewarded with a good **** with his favourite sexy lady. Sex a few times a week is pretty important to keep couples intimately together. Sex is the main difference between friends and lovers, afterall.
My partner would always come on to me at night for sex hehe. But for some reason I never wanted to, I always said I was tired or couldn’t be bothered. Of course he felt rejected and mad we hardly ever did it. We both went to a sex therapist; mainly I wanted it for me to find out why I had no interest. Our sex life is way better now and he is a much happier person and so am I!
Just imagine wanting to be intimate with your husband and him rejecting you over and over again. It does hurt and is not always just about having sex to get off.
You guys need to have a sit down and talk about it.
Since a woman can be passive in the sex act and still satisfy her husband, I don't see what the problem is. I haven't read all of the entries but skimming through them I feel that RockRose and Allmymarbles pretty much express my views.
(P.S. My husband has gone out of his way to please me when he was not in the mood. Reverse situations do exist.
10 Minutes.I wish--I wish.... I am used to a 2 hour session at times. Mot of the time it is me giving hm a ******* which has to be like the porn sites. I can tell because of the agression involved. He actually talks to the girls who ask for money. These girls don't even like sex with a BF or Mate. They want %%%%%% Bottom Line..Tey could care less about making him *** , unless its more $$$ for her. Men dont understand how hard it is for women who dont wake u with so called EXCUSE--BLUEBALLS.
If a woman is truly annoyed by her husband wanting to have sex then she cannot love him the way the love in a marriage should be. God created us so different but for us to compliment each other, I was in a marriage where my wife was on a separate page from me sexually and it just didn't work out, not because of that but because we didn't care enough about each other to meet our separate needs. My wife today will do anything for me period, and I will do the same for her, and it works, I promise you that. Back to the point, if a woman is disgusted by her life partner wanting to be with her sexually it won't work in that marriage or with any other man she marries, it will just be the same problem over again. There is nothing wrong with a woman staying single if frequent sex bothers them that much. I would encourage them to stay single and quit complaining.
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