Is this consider abuse?

My mother is a very helpful person. She loans me money and babysit my child when I need her. I also help her too. But there are some things that do not sit right with me. She has called me stupid, dumb. She has said many disrepectful things to me. She throws up things in my face that she done for me when she gets mad.  One time she was watching my child and she called me to how much longer even though I already told her ahead of time when I would be back,and when she called she asked in a nasty tone how much longer, and I said to her I told you ahead time. She called me ugly and hung up the phone. I thought she was joking until she did not call back. I am not sure how to handle this. Any advice. If I tell her she hurts my feelings, she gets defensive and angry.

[thatquietgirl]

I'd limit contact and consider finding someone else to watch your child.  If she's willing to be emotionally abusive toward you, she very well might do it to your child.  

[margypops]

I think you should have a heart to heart with her and tell her you dont like her saying mean things , What is she like with the child does she treat her well ?It could be she is going trough something herself , and it makes her irritable

[AnnieBrooke]

Calling one's own child stupid, dumb, ugly, and then getting defensive and angry when the person tries to discuss it sounds like more than just irritable.  If my mom ever called me even one of those things, it would be like our relationship was over.  Don't moms try to build their kids up?  The o.p.'s mom sounds almost like she has a mental problem; depression, anger, biopolar or something.  Sorry but you really should find a new sitter.  She is not only being wrongfully cruel to you, but is modeling a terrible thing for your kid to see, and as the others point out, what is she saying to your child?

If you want to have a talk with her about it, begin by writing down all the hurtful things she has said in the course of a manageable period of time, like a week or a month.  Keep it entirely accurate, you won't need to embellish if the things you listed above are what she is saying.  Then write her a note, saying that you love her but don't want her to babysit for you any more because she is demonstrating to your child that a mom should treat her child with verbal cruelty  (and then lay out the list) and say you do not believe that is how a mother should behave, and you don't want your daughter to see you be treated that way.  Your mom can get defensive and angry all she wants, but the truth is the truth.

[Nighthawk61]

I would first of all , not let my child near her, she's abusive and what's terrible for you to hear, magnify that a hundred fold, cause that's what your kids are hearing.

The fact that she get's angry and defensive means probably that the only way you'll get this relationship healthy is through a family counselor, But she would have to agree to that. If she wouldn't agree to a counselor, then i would not go near her. Having your mother say those things unchecked is very unhealthy for your self esteem, so why do something that is going to harm you time and time again? Life is too short to live like that.

I like the idea of writing a letter, but i would stipulate that family counseling be sought, in order that you both to have a foundation to build a relationship upon. I doubt that a letter would be very much different that talking to her so far, but it's a great tool to use in an upcoming therapeutic session, either for  you and her, or you alone.

I hope you find a peaceful solution to this conundrum that you've found yourself and your family in.

[brownhair]

Thank you all for your response; my mother is great to my child. She does not say those things to her at all. I used to live with her and that was hell. However, I bought my own home, even though I live close, I still can stay my distance. I interact with her, but when she starts getting nasty, I leave immediately.  She has been this way since I was a teenager. I can remember her saying very nasty things to me which I used to write in a journal. As a child, we had a wonderful relationship. I am not sure what happened after that. I do like her babysitting my child, because she is the only one I trust with my child, but I think my dependence on her with babysitting, can make it easier for her to say mean things and get away with it.  

[margypops]

When I said irritable I meant possibly something is triggering her behavior it was my way of expressing it and I stand by my wording,is her health okay there are many other factors could be considered when people change from being a good mom as you describe here..Have you asked her why she speaks like that to you?

[brownhair]

Yes. everytime I try to tell her, she act as if she does not do anything wrond and it is my fault.I do my best to respect her when she talks to me this way. She has good ways, but she is verbally abusive at times. She is not sick or anything; I am not sure why she talks to me this way.

[margypops]

well I guess when she says unkind things to you walk away from her, you dont live wit her so just go back to your own house, distance your self she may realise you just are'nt going to take it

[Nighthawk61]

"She has called me stupid, dumb. She has said many disrepectful things to me. She throws up things in my face that she done for me when she gets mad.  One time she was watching my child and she called me to how much longer even though I already told her ahead of time when I would be back,and when she called she asked in a nasty tone how much longer, and I said to her I told you ahead time. She called me ugly and hung up the phone." :

your mother doesn't have to say those things to your daughter, she only has to say them in front of your daughter. It will affect her negatively and she will more likely become entangled in other co dependent relationships. How would you feel if your child were to grow up following your mother's example by calling her classmates stupid or calling you ugly?. I don't know if you're looking at the big picture here. Would you knowingly hire or allow a babysitter to use that kind of language or tone, because that's what you're doing here.