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Looking for advice to move on
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Looking for advice to move on

Ok. I've told a few people this, but am hoping to get more advice from others.

Growing up, I hard a rough childhood. I never knew my biological father. He had raped my mother, and she left immediately after and never told him she was pregnant. When I was 3 months old she met the man I call father. To all outward appearances he was the perfect guy. Good looking, funny, charming. Out of the public eye he was a monster. It started when I was a year old. He would abuse me physically and emotionally. I have a memory when I was 3 of him chasing my pregnant mother and myself around the house throwing knives at us. Around the same time I also watched him tie my mother up, throw fuel on her and try to catch her on fire.

As I got older he focused his rage on myself and later my sister. He would punch us, kick us with steel toed boots, starve us, lock us in our room (he put the lock on the outside of the door) and eventually started to sexually abuse us. When he wanted to be at his worse he would tie us (it was just my sister and I alone with him---my mom worked 3 jobs and was never home, while he never worked) up, and slowly cut us while the other had to watch. I still have the scars on my body. He was always a monster when he had been drinking. He used to blame us for the problems we had, and said we were good for nothing trash, and that if hoped we would die. He would come in the room at night, saying he would kill us and no one would care. I used to lie in bed crying at night praying I would wake up in the morning. It would get to the point where he was even pulling us out of school for these things. No one believed us, and the cops said there wasn't enough proof for them to do anything.

He said we weren't good enough to look people in the face, and that as trash we had to keep our eyes downcast. Even to this day I can't look people in the face. When I was 15 we finally left, and the physical abuse stopped. But I fear the mental abuse will never stop. I'm still waking up with nightmares and can't forget what he's done. There's large parts of my past I still can't remember, and some I wish I could forget. I keep her my sisters screams echo in my head all the time, and her desperate pleas for me to help her.

I don't know what to do anymore, or who to turn to. I don't want to live with these memories, but I don't want to leave my family either. Suicide is a selfish way out to me, but I can't stop the thought process. I've seen therapists and I've been on medicines once and nothing worked. Please, anything you can say to try and help me to move on. It's destroying my adulthood and my relationships. It's not fair that I'm still paying the price for what he did to me as a child.

I'm not asking for medicine help or anything, just support and/or advice. And please, don't say God will make it better. I mean no offense to those who believe, it's just not something I personally believe in.
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1530342_tn?1405020090
OMG Clysta.....I had NO IDEA...I am sooo sorry you, your sister, and your mom had to endure this. I'm no expert and I've never been through this before but I can offer some support...The emotions you are feeling are normal. You went through a (almost) lifetime of Trauma. Those memories can't go away in the blink of an eye. I know you've been to therapists BUT they don't sound like they were any good. You have to find someone maybe a professional maybe not, but someone experienced that can help you through this and help you gain your confidence back, and also help you accept the fact that you are NOT TRASH. You are a smart, mature, beautiful young lady who is wise beyond her years. Your daughter is a breath of fresh air by the way you describe her and from pictures I have seen. You should be proud of yourself for how well your turned out considering what you went through. Most young girls would have been broken and they would have headed down a horrible path. I really hope you find the inner peace you are looking for. I just want you to know, give yourself time to heal. Cherish all the good in your life. Most importantly Take it ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!! I hope this makes you feel a tad bit better. You know I'm here to listen ANYTIME you need and ear<3
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1330108_tn?1333680904
I think the best thing that you can do is trust your husband and that he would never hurt you. Learn that here in your home you are safe. It will never completely go away. Things like that are not ever forgotten. But you van learn to feel safe in your environment. Most importantly is to trust those you live with. When you wake up from those. Dreams remind yourself "I am safe here. Nothing is going to happen"

Have you talked to your sister about all of this?  How is she coping?  Can you both talk about it together and work through the emotions that you have experiences?  Maybe doing that together can help. To know you are not alone but that there is someone else who understands and can be there for you.

Lastly you have to give it time. This will niever completely go away but hopefully with time you will be able to have less frequent nightmares
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1035252_tn?1371343440
Clysta - I, too, knew you were abused but didn't realize the extent. While I suffered physical, emotional, and sexual abuse as a child, it's nowhere near the extent or intensity of yours.

I don't know exactly what to tell you.

I do know that the man who raped me for 3 years as a toddler and child did it because he loved control. He loved to tear me down, destroy me, force me, control me, degrade me....and it destroyed me. It changed my personality entirely, and made me feel like a freak for the majority of my life. As a teenager I despaired of ever having a normal relationship because, after all, who would want a girl who had been raped by her cousin? So...I forgave him. Not in the Christian sense of the word..not biblically. I'm perfectly content thinking of him rotting in H$ll. I forgave him because it released the last bit of control he had over me. His true triumph wasn't when he was touching me, or forcing me to do things...it was the years of suffering afterwards...the innocence he destroyed...the disgust with which I viewed myself and the lengths to which I went to punish myself (attempted suicide, cutting, starving myself, seeking abusive relationships).

So...I cut the last string that bound me to him. By forgiving him, I had to forgive myself for being a victim - hard as H$ll for me. And after that...I had to begin to accept and work through everything that had happened to me. I forced myself to close my eyes and relive those memories...sometimes I vomited, sometimes I had panic attacks that would make me pass out, and sometimes I would have such horrible nightmares that I wouldn't sleep for days.....but after months of forcing myself to turn my childhood inside out and face the memories, I realized that it's all just flesh and dust. It's all past, I survived, and by suffering I was letting him win. like H$LL I was going to let that B@stard win. like H$LL. I'm sure I've mentioned before that he only served minimal time because the family, my parents included, protected him....and I STILL have to see him at family gatherings. and When I do...I throw my success and happiness in his face. I've told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever thinks of touching my children, I will kill him. And now when we come to family events, he leaves..he knows I'm serious.

I'm not saying this will work for you...and I still haven't figured out how to overcome the abuse and neglect my mom has put me through, so if you figure that one out - let me know - but that's how I've come to terms with what I went through. It was hard..I wanted to die so many times, reliving what a freak he had made me into...but finally, when all was said and done, I was able to realize that he was the freak, not me, and that I was a VICTIM....which was a terribly hard concept for me to grasp.


Sorry, I rambled...I don't know if any of what I said will help...but it's how I've gotten to the place of healing that I'm in now. You are amazing Clysta...and you HAVE survived. that's what you have to remember...what happened to you...happenED to you. it's over with and you came out of it alive...and now it's time to win by succeeding..its time to take your revenge by not letting him control you through memories and years of torture....I don't know how to do it because it's different for all of us.... but I know you CAN.
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1194973_tn?1385507504
But I don't know HOW. How can you live when the past is all you can think about? I used to think I forgave him, but deep down I wonder if I wasn't just fooling myself. It's so silly. I have a beautiful baby girl and an amazing husband. Why do I still focus so much on the past?? Phil said you can't live your life looking at the past, and he's right.

I haven't talked to my sister and it's hard to talk to my mom. I can't talk to Ashley..... I don't want to bring up memories she's tried to forget. The reject of your parent like that... I can't imagine how that feels. I'm scared to hurt her more.

I'm just...a failure. I couldn't protect either of my sisters. Ashley went through the hell I did, and Megan was raped by her cousin. (Our dads nephew) I can't forgive myself for not being able to protect them. I should have been able to.
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1035252_tn?1371343440
You are NOT a failure...you are a victim. you were a child, Clysta. that's the hardest part for people like us to accept...we. were. children.

Like Sun said..it takes time. that's the hardest part for survivors of abuse because we want to be rid of memories that are at best uncomfortable, and at worst unbearable. But it takes time...and it takes the ability to love and forgive YOURSELF...which clearly you aren't ready to do yet.

Phil's right...you can't live life in the past. and someday, you won't. but just like any injury to the body, injuries to the mind, spirit, and heart take time to heal too...much longer than the body, in fact.

The first step, the first step I took at least, was to give myself a break....stop obsessing about the way I wished my past had gone and began to accept that I am imperfect and that my past is a part of what gives me my strength...from there I began to be able to accept that the memories I was trying to push away were - in fact - mine. and I began to review them...relive them...accept them...

that's how I got started...like I said, I don't know how to tell you to get started. you went through hell. it's likely you have PTSD and that's why it's not easy for you to "just put the past behind you"...and I know you don't want to hear it, but PTSD doesn't just "get better". It usually takes therapy, medication, and mostly....time.

I'm here for you if you ever need to talk....you're so much stronger than you think, just to be alive today.
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1731970_tn?1328090670
Hi, Im so sad to read this. I think you have to believe that there are some monsters out there but most people are essentially good. This makes me so mad that these people get away with these atrocities. Unfortunately you have try to put it behind you no easy task and something that takes so much time. I think although this happened you have to keep telling yourself it is in the past i have survived because i was so strong as a child as an adult you just get stronger. I often see your posts and can't believe you are so young. I now know that you had to grow up super fast and under the most putrid conditions. You have so much insight into people and are there for so many on this site. Remember you have to be your own best friend. Have you considered studying I know that my experience is totally different but i had many miscarriages in a row and felt so worthless. I somehow found the strength to do something with my life and have  used all that energy I used being totally stressed and feeling useless into something that gave me a career. I know this all sounds simplistic but sometimes it's the simple things that work. I would think you would make the best women's consellor.

I know that you said medication didn't help but perhaps trying again might help you not continually think of the bad things. Just think about the fact that sometimes our chemicals in our head get mixed up and we need medication to sort them out. I know it's not the complete answer but can take the edge off all those horrid thougth. I was thinking hard when I decided to answer this and the first thing i thought of was she needs to give herself permission to be angry and hurt about her childhood being taken from her. You need to give yourself the space to heal in your own way and that doesn't mean having to be together all the time. I know as someone who has the feeling of being useless  sometimes we try hardewr than others and deplete ourselves of more energy. I still think about the bad things that happened but I don't feel so anxious and wound up about it because i gave myself permission to grieve. I hope you can forgive yourself and know that none of this is your fault and give yourself a break. Take care I think therapy can work if you find the right person.
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Avatar_f_tn
OMG i had no idea :( i was also abused, physically, mentally and sexually. I know what your going through, i wish i could help you feel better. Its hard growing up with people like that in our lives, it makes us feel like we were never important, but you are a gorgeous lady with a gorgeous little girl, and you have a future to look forward to with your family :). It's hard to forget things that happen to us, and its even harder when it feels impossible to get rid of it, but try not to let it get in the way of your life. You shouldn't have to live like that, no one should. I really wish i could give you more advice, but i have the same problems, my abuse wasn't exactly like yours but some of the same stuff happened, the fear and memories might not ever go away, but maybe you can talk to a therpist?? i have been talking with one since i was 14 and it helps me so much, i was really bad at one point. So maybe you could think about that? im so sorry about all of this, and i wish you the best with everything, please feel free to PM me at anytime you need, i am always here to talk :)
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Avatar_f_tn
OMG i had no idea :( i was also abused, physically, mentally and sexually. I know what your going through, i wish i could help you feel better. Its hard growing up with people like that in our lives, it makes us feel like we were never important, but you are a gorgeous lady with a gorgeous little girl, and you have a future to look forward to with your family :). It's hard to forget things that happen to us, and its even harder when it feels impossible to get rid of it, but try not to let it get in the way of your life. You shouldn't have to live like that, no one should. I really wish i could give you more advice, but i have the same problems, my abuse wasn't exactly like yours but some of the same stuff happened, the fear and memories might not ever go away, but maybe you can talk to a therpist?? i have been talking with one since i was 14 and it helps me so much, i was really bad at one point. So maybe you could think about that? im so sorry about all of this, and i wish you the best with everything, please feel free to PM me at anytime you need, i am always here to talk :)
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1572936_tn?1317356535
you are not a failure. you are THE farthest thing from.

you are a mother. you have given someone the greatest gift. LIFE.
it may no come to vision for you right now but part of you has moved on. you HAVE a relationship. you have your own family. and you would do nothing ever to hurt them and would do EVERYTHING to protect them. as i child, i too also faced some hard ships, nothing as you did and hearing this... i am so sorry. and i know hearing those 4 words may just seem as such. but i truly mean that.

how does one move on? for myself and what i had faced, the 1st step, as cheesy as it may seem. was admitting it. and telling those who were closest to me, that it happened. i broke down crying. it was the hardest thing. the past year of my life now i have been dealing with those things, as well as others and it legit took me a year to finally breath again after admitting what had happened. now i am coming to terms with the "it wasn't my fault" ideal. i believe, from what it sounds like, is where you are also stuck. i understand its alot easier for me to say to you that it wasn't your fault, as well as it would be easier for you to say the same to me. you have to work on you. you need to learn that you are important and that you are a beautiful person. until you can come to terms with this, you can't move on to the next step. as cheesy as that may sound, i truly believe in that.

the best way to move on. is to teach your beautiful little girl how to be an amazing person. getting over what happened to you, is not doing the same and continuing the cycle.
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1666034_tn?1316914853
Clysta- I Am terribly Sorry for what happend to you and I can't believe you have been through so much yet from what I see about you your a strong woman holding everything inside. Just like u sai you have an amazing husband and a babygirl will Always be a part in your life. As for the sick Dog who did all these horrible things to you and your sisters , I feel as he should Rot in H**L (excuse my french)

What happend to you is something that has left you very traumatized and now you r the one who has to live with these bad bad memories. I wish that with the blink of eye Everything can just vanish but if this world were only like that but its Not.

All of these ladies on here including me are here to listen and at least try to make you feel like you have people who will listen.

I can assure you that I am here and will always be listening.
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168348_tn?1379360675
Hi, Maybe find something safe - a good memory of a happy place - and when you feel yourself being swept into the sadness recall that "happy place" and if you let yourself feel "good" it will become a more comfortable feeling.  Another idea is to carry some "safe" things around with you in your wallet - something that is "safe" and brings "happy" memories that's tangible to remind you of a safe spot.  If you are taken away with the awful feelings and they encompass you, you can physically hold onto your "safe" spot and get grounded.

C~
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535822_tn?1389452880
I am so so sorry it shouldn't happen to anyone but it does  I like what ChitChatNine says ..its called visualisation many people use it I have tried it to get to sleep I focus on an ocean scene I actually walk towards the ocean on the sand ,I wont let my mind wander off this scene , then I drop asleep maybe focusing on a happy place each time you start to think of the past would help .It is our thoughts that make us feel bad ...its a good thing to put it down and get feedback ..I wish you lots of luck ,I hope you can find some peace ..
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757137_tn?1347200053
To be around people with the same memories reinforces them. You want the memories to fade, not reassert themselves. A new and healthier environment is in order. You don't have to desert your family, but neither do you have to live with them cheek by jowl. Find a job some distance away from them. Make new friends. Plan out your career. In other words, look to the future.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am speechless and crying. I want you to know I empathize with you completely. If you ever want to talk please direct message me here. I think most important is to realize NONE of that was your fault. He was sick.. this WAS your lot in life but doesn't have to be anymore. You have been through what most never will in a whole long lifetime. You are tougher and wiser than you know, Learn to tap into that strength. This is the time! We can talk more if you want anytime!! xoxo
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Avatar_f_tn
I am so sorry to read about this. It's not something anyone should have to deal with. Visualization, as Chitchatnine and margypops said, can work well with staying away from bad thoughts. It can create a "safe place" for you to 'go' when you have these bad thoughts come back into mind. I would also look for another therapist to work on overcoming these feelings. To work on feeling important/confident and to look people in the eyes. You can look up ones in your area and then also look up their ratings. I'll send you a link via a message. Make sure to give it time when it comes to counseling, because it will take a while to undo the thought process you have had for the past several years. It isn't going to be fixed in a few sessions and then you're done, so try to be patient with it all and really give it all you have got.  
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13167_tn?1327197724
Clysta,  I think you can move on,  in time.  You really sound very very completely rational,  completely grounded in reality,  and completely desperate to live a happy life.    You also sound like you feel like you would be betraying your sisters and the abuse they suffered along with you,  if you decided to ignore this and leave it all behind,  and be happy.  It's like,  happiness right now would somehow betray their pain,  and your own.  That's the key.  Is not to feel guilty for deciding to leave this behind you.  IMHO,  that's what's keeping you in this pain - like so many others in the world whose loved ones have suffered and they were unable to protect them.  The feeling of guilt keeps them from stepping in to a new,  happy life.

For what it's worth,  there was a girl here about 15 years ago who shot her stepfather in his sleep.  She said he had been having sex with her daily and she'd finally had enough.  He was a lead teacher in his own Karate school,  beloved by everyone in the community,  everyone screamed at her she's a liar and murderer.  It was only when the counselor at the school said oddly enough,  he HAD been taking her out of school several afternoons each week,  with no supporting doctor appointment slips.  No one knew.  Charges of murder were dropped.  I tell you this to say that however unbelievable it seems,  it can be true that the public doesn't realize.

I don't believe your mother didn't know,  though,  and it might be worth considering that you cut her out of your life,  at least for a time to heal.  She must have known.

Best wishes.   Have you read "Bad Childhood,  Good life" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger?  It's hard to read,  painful like scrubbing a burn,  but I think it will help you.

God bless.
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1138612_tn?1363536044
i know what u are going through i was abused as a child but not sexual as kid my sister and i move form foster home to foster home and u know what after all that u have been through this differently  wont define who u are today i think it just makes us better people and it is a big learning experience for us to never be like our parent so we can be better for our kids all i can say is to take on day at a time and leave that horrible past behind u think of the good things that's still ahead
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1194973_tn?1385507504
Thank you all so much for the support. It's just hard. I'm tired of fighting with it, but I know I have to. Just need to take each day at a time. I think I'll look into therapy.

And btw Ivy, I actually am diagnosed with PTSD. I was diagnosed with depression, PTSD and suicidal tendencies when I was 10. I just don't understand how much time it will take. It's been 7 years since I got away, why is it still the same. I try to keep busy--when I'm busy I can't remember. Night time is the worst though...everyone's asleep, it's quite and I'm left in my thoughts. That's when everything hits the hardest.
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1415482_tn?1337188613
Thats when it's at its peak the depression I mean I comes out when there's noone to distract u from it! Do not beat urself up everything takes time. It's important to try and ur doing that, positive reinforcements help and viewing ur self as someone who has survived the war sometimes we the battle is so traumatic that even when it's over our minds can never erase it but then it takes control of ur life and before u know it the years of gone by and ur still stuck in one place FIGHT with all that u have. U will succeed I believe so :)
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1194973_tn?1385507504
I just feel...unwanted. And I know I wasn't wanted either. I was the product of rape--I know many women who would have terminated for that reason alone. I was blessed that my mother carried me, but when I was 3 weeks old she attempted to smother me. She was 17, had PPD and broke. My father tried numerous times to kill me--I wish I could forget about those moments. Now I just feel like a burden on my husband and like a failure to my daughter.

I don't even know if this really belongs in this forum anymore. I know deep down I need help, but I also know we can't afford it. We live paycheck to paycheck as is, and can afford bare essentials. With as often as we've seen doctors in the last years, it's crushed our savings. If we add another bill, I'm scared it would cause us to go under completely and then how would we feed Kylie or give her a safe place to stay?
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1415482_tn?1337188613
Ur mother...she didnt know what to do with herself she couldn't handle and under no circumstances should u have to suffer for that NONE! U did not deserve it u were just a child! And no unfortunately u will never forget it but what u can do is suffer NOT ur heart. Clysta, u have a husband and a daughter ur wanted so much ur husband and daughter looks to u! There's some people who need u and always will. It took me so damn long to realize this but--we deserve all the good in the world. I think ur truly amazing because I read ur post and I could just see myself eating out of a dumpster if I had to go through all that but here u are! Married and have a child too u have shattered the image of a broken future and a broken path ur going girl do not give up. But u do need counselling because what u went through was truly traumatic and I think we all can understand ur pain. Plz do not feel like ur not allowed to feel how u feel inside u r very much allowed to hurt but I want u to kno that u DO NOT DESERVE to hurt! U derserve to smile :) Laugh :D and be loved <3 Breakaway Clysta and be free and don't u ever stop ur journey to feel contented. Talk to a professional and I will stress PROFESSIONAL simply because people are people and they are just not equipped to deal with the pain we feel. A professional will give u the tools necessary. Message me if u feel like I'm a great listener!
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209987_tn?1334790318
My little brother and I went through heck too.

My mind still dredges up those unwanted memories as well...

Normally when they hit, I grab one of my kids and force myself to do something fun with them...no matter what it is.
I remind myself that I don't want to be like my mother, and I don't want my kids to have a step-dad ( or an "uncle/daddy" whoever) like we had.

I turn my anger/frustration/sadness/etc towards my kids in a positive way.
I will NOT let them have the life I had...no one deserves that!

And ya know what? When those memories flood in, and you grab your baby, start playing on the floor, and see their little faces light up...it makes the "BAD" go away...even if it is for a short time...it's gone.

Please keep in mind that the others are correct...you did NOTHING wrong!! Your mom just happened to marry the wrong sicko!  It's not your fault, nor is it her's.
It's so sad when those of us that are looking for help can't find it...no one believes...or worse...they believe but want it hidden.


If you ever want to talk, I'm around here somewhere...all the time.
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