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This community is for discussions relating to emotional, physical, sexual, social, spiritual, spousal, and verbal abuse. Please note, this community is not monitored by professionals, rather questions will be answered by other members of the community.

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Lost

I could really use someone to talk to right now... Going through alot in my life doing absolutely nothing. I am currently in a very physically and even worse mentally abusive relationship with the love of my life. I am so codependent its sad. I am not a bad looking guy and I am not a liar, cheat, or thief and i do my best to be well mannered to those around me. I have been abused all my life severely growing up and have never sot help. Please someone help!  
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Well, this is a start, but you do need to seek help from a counselor in real life.  There are going to be therapists in your own local area who specialize in dealing with people who are accustomed to abuse and conflate it with love.  Love is not abuse and abuse is not love, that is the place to start.
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5195344_tn?1365020394
busybusybusy, will be back on later tonight or tomorrow. thank you so much for the quick response! feeling a little better today!!! xoxo
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Avatar_f_tn
Being able to identify that your relationship is an abusive one is a very important first step. Please consider seeing a counsellor or therapist and talking to them about it. I understand how hard it can be.
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5195344_tn?1365020394
My girl has also had a pretty rough life, all of it revolving around the men in her life. Violent and sexul violence since she was very young. I know in her right mind she would never want to hurt me. :( i would like to think so anyway. But when she get angry or we have a small disagreement it is like I am her worst enemy! She hits and screems at me and says the most awesful things. And i have taken it in every fashion. From crying to trying to be understanding to yelling back and every possible way i could think to let her see that its not right. She has a bad  pancreas and is in pain alot. To sum it all up she has ptsd to the max. I know she has a good heart, the question i ask myself all the time is, who is going to win? The angel or the devil? ... Ps she has to take vicodin on the regular.  I dont know what to do!!!! I am at a complete stand still. I know i am her greatest aly and would feel terrible to abandon her :( i love her and what wait 1000 yrs to see her better. But at the same time i dont know if i am  going to ruin myself in the process!!  
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Should have proof read that last paragraph, but i think its legible enough lol
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Avatar_f_tn
Some therapy may also be of vast benefit to her, for both the things that happened in her past, and for dealing with her anger now.
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3060903_tn?1398568723
I'm so sorry that you're both suffering :(  You are in a typically co dependent relationship (and can google it) where you are enabling her acting out her abusive relationships of the past. Until you cease, you are as much a part of he problem as she, or hers or yours abusers of the past.  It is a viscous circle as you are well aware and nobody can win in this situation until the cycle is broken. So, if you want a better life, you must seek therapy, she must seek therapy and you both, as a couple need a marriage counselor. It's well worth the effort though for you both to maintain a safe and healthy environment. You haven't mentioned kids in your post. Please deal with this problem effectively before you have kids and continue the cycle for them. You can get past this, it takes getting an education, and there's no option to cut corners. In other words, you cannot get the answers that you need from laymen, you must go to the source and get a good therapist, for real. It's scary, it costs money and time, but you both need a foundation for your life. You can get a lot of info off the internet about co dependence. I would start there, while you are arranging treatment. Best of luck to you both. You can do this. You can get started by checking out a free group called ACOA, or Adult Children of Alcoholics or Dysfunctional Families at  http://www.adultchildren.org/ if your problems began at home while you were growing up, which usually, is the case. Please make friends on here if you can. It helps to have friends that are aware of your circumstances, intimately. Anyone you message or invite as a friend will oblige, including myself. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Liz
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Liz you are a beautiful soul, God bless you! :) Is ACOA a free program?  and how do you think best to bring this up to her? she tends to only be ready to do this kind of thing when its her idea lol. financially we are going through ups and downs as well. So im not sure when we will be ready to pay for help on top of all our other countless bills! I have next to no help from my family with anything :/
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3060903_tn?1398568723
I grew up with extreme mental and physical abuse, I can't say which was worse. There was no protection, and I was pretty squirrely myself for quite a while from all of it. I turned to drugs and alcohol, and it often came out when drinking. I remember my 2nd late husband saying "I'm not the enemy." :(  Do you and /or your girlfriend drink or do drugs other than the vicodin your girlfriend uses for her pancreatic pain issues? And, if so, is there increased actions by your girlfriend ? or yourself when either of you use (ie. if she drinks along with the vicodin). violent, argumentative, crying, depression etc.? Is there an operation or anything that can be done for your girlfriend's pancreas, so that she can one day get off the vicodin?

You can't worry about who found out about treatment first. Worrying about such things is enabling. You should tell her that you found ACOA, you can tell her you found Medhelp, and it's a great place for advice, now or in the future. You've said absolutely nothing that is disrespectful, you've only reached out and said that you'll never leave her. The problems in your relationship need to be brought out into the light and you both need mentors, and friends that want to support you both to have your best life. I do understand if you don't want to expose you looking for help, but i honestly think that it would be better for you to be open about everything that you are doing to change your current circumstances. You are respected for making the choice to change your current dynamic, and i'm sure that your girlfriend also will respect you for trying. You want a bettter life for you both. You're not throwing her under the bus. Be an open book is my opinion. A flower will not grow if there is no light.

You must walk away when the abuse starts and not engage in the insanity yourself, even if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom with a mini tv (if it's in the middle of the night) or take a walk. Repeating the noise over and over is not going to do anyone any good. :You haven't mentioned what State you're living in. Can you? Are you living in warm weather throughout the year, so that you can get out for a walk at any time? Do you have kids living with you? or do you have kids with an X somewhere? Or does your gf have kids with her, or elsewhere?

Please check out ACOA, in your area and find out where the meetings are.  You have to be the one that is proactive here, and show her the way. Simply ask her if she would like to go, if not, no problem, just go yourself. And when you do, keep an open mind and give it time. The fact that you can't afford a therapist right now, means that you need to make whatever free therapy a good try. Try to see if you can make a couple of friends there, ask somebody to go out for coffee and learn to relax.  You must stop worrying so much about talking to your girl and start to move forward. That's what she needs. She needs for you to be open about the help you are looking for. I'll look for some information for you about co dependence. That should help you to recognize things, that you can begin to change about your relationship for the better. It's all good, you reaching out for help. You're doing the right thing, and she will come to see it. She is in pain and mental anguish. You are only trying to help. She would benefit by getting on here herself, and talking about the things in her life that are holding her back from her best life. Think about letting her in to finding Medhelp. Okay? What do you think about that? xo
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3060903_tn?1398568723
Your girlfriend will find here many other young women that are going through exactly what she's going through, and that will help her immensely, to find out what they've done to find some peace. You haven't mentioned how long you two have been together, I don't think. How long have you been together? Also, you need to start to talk about your own childhood issues in ACOA and not just your current situation.
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Avatar_m_tn
The fact that you can't afford a therapist right now, means that you need to make whatever free therapy a good try. Try to see if you can make a couple of friends there, ask somebody to go out for coffee and learn to relax.  You must stop worrying so much about talking to your girl and start to move forward. That's what she needs.
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we have been together coming up on 2 years, she 29 and im 26. I live in northern california. and no neither one of us drinks alcohol much. I am exhausted at the moment! I will do my best to get on here tomorrow! your words will def be on my mind until then. Thank you :)
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PS looked into therapy and its only 50$ a week so maybe we can get in there here pretty soon.
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3060903_tn?1398568723
That's wonderful RudyP. I'm so happy that therapy is available to you both. Let us know how it's going, okay? We care.
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Thank you so much! I sent you a message containing as much of my story i have time for at the moment!! Ill try and het on here again later tonight!!! Xxxooo! Brian is my name and i live in California btw.
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi.. Both of of you are struggling to get out of the stress.. Go abroad so that you both will have time to speak about yourselves and understand each other in a better way.. try meditation which helps you to keep your mind very calm..
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi.. You are the only support to her and when you give love and care she will easily recover from her past and both could lead a happy life.
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