Mental and Sexual Abuse

My Step-Father and Mother never got along. He took seizures and always laid in bed. Even when he was feeling perfectly fine he still laid in bed because he didn't want anything to do with my mom. She was always hounding him to get out of bed, but that never worked. The were the world's perfect example of a horrible marriage. They argued, he hit my brother ( my brother is his child-my half brother) and me when we were children. My mother hated it when he would hit us but she would never do anything about it but yell at him. She would just say " YOU DON'T HIT HIM/HER LIKE THAT!". They might have argued for a while but my step-dad would always stomp off like a coward.


My mom would leave the house and I would have to stay home and "baby-sit" him ---because he would black out and take seizures. Sometimes he wouldn't even really be sick - he would just fake it so he wouldn't have to go to the market with her to buy groceries. One time I remember of telling my mom I wanted to go with her to the market, that I didn't want to stay home with him. She yelled at me and threw a fit and said " If you don't stay home I'm NOT going to the store and no one will have anything to eat!" I was MAD, very MAD, but I had to stay home ( I was 15).

It all started one day when everything was still "normal", It was July 5th, 2005 and we had just come home from setting off fireworks when my step-dad collapsed in the kitchen and started convulsing in a life-threatening seizure and was unresponsive, an ambulance was called and he went to the ER, I was worried because at the time I saw him as a father figure and cared about him because my father left when i was 4 and was the only one that was ever there as a father to me. After hours of caring and worrying (my mother seemed to not care so much) he came out of it and started to become "normal" again. Not long after this they gave him strong medications and sent him home. It was so late that it was into the next morning and  everyone went to bed. I had been in bed sleeping for a while and he came into my room and started to kiss me and he said " do you know how hard it is being in love with you and your mother at the same time?" I pushed him off of me and told him to leave me alone. ( I should have screamed at the top of my lungs but I was still very sleepy and was having a hard time making sense of it all) ---Did I mention my grandmother was sleeping in another bed only 5 feet away from me? --- He left my room that night.
The next morning I asked him " Did you mean what you said last night?" -- I wanted to know if he was in his right mind or if it was the drugs the hospital gave him--- and he replied "yes, I did" I went to my room and stayed in there for a while and later on in the day my mom had left  while I was watching TV in the living room and I asked him how this situation all came about and why he was doing this and he (my step-dad) began telling me of how he had lucid dreams of performing sexual acts on me, (all while he had a smile on his face while telling me! He acted as if it was some kind of a joke). I didn't say to much besides asking if he had dreams about anyone else, and he told me he dreamt about my best-friend-at the time, in the same exact manner. Other than that I just didn't know what to say. It was gross and very weird. This went on for a while until  he sat beside me and decided to start kissing me, I told him to stop and he did but then he started telling me things such as : "This happens all the time, people fall in love" & asking : " you're not going to tell your mother are you?" ( & i didn't tell my mother for a long time because I knew she would never believe me because I never got a long with him in the first place). Within the next few days to weeks  ( i really cant remember) he started nagging me to have sex with him, I had no one that I trusted enough to tell or turn to for help. He just wouldn't leave me alone so I allowed him to have sex with me. This happened maybe 5-10 times along with other various sexual acts. I was a virgin when he did this to me. It got to the point that I went to him looking for sex, even when my mom was in the living room I would walk from my room through the living room into my mother & his bedroom to do it even though my mother told me not to. At that point in time I  pretty much thought and believed that the damage was done and that it didn't matter anymore & not only that but that was the only real attention that I got from the people I lived with. My mom was always yelling at me because I didn't help her clean and cook. My brother and i (we are 9 years apart) always argued. & My grandma and I didn't get along because i had to share a room with her and she was always wetting her bed and our bedroom (i had to share a room with her/ i didn't have my own privacy) stank terribly.

Present Time: My Step-dad is now in jail serving his sentence for Incest ( they didn't charge him with anything else because I didn't testify) --I knew his family would be there and I didn't want them pointing the finger at me calling me a ***** and giving me dirty looks, ( they already say " He's in jail because of you!!" because my own mother told them that I had an affair with him and she completely ruined my reputation & she told that to anyone and everyone she felt like telling), Not to mention I was very scared and I didn't even have my own mother on my side! She would have stood up for him. I now live on my own and i am now 21. Married with a 1 year old and a baby on the way.

when i lived with my mom i went to counseling this was only for a month or so because she talked me into quitting she said " All they are doing is trying to get information) --- my step dad was MIA, didn't go to his court date and was running from the police at the time.


I just want to talk about this and get some feed back. I have a family of my own now but I often think about these things. It is affecting my marriage and my sex life with my husband.



My questions are :

What are your personal thoughts on this story?
Who was the one at fault?
Was I just as guilty as him?

[margypops]

My thoughts are sadness that this happened to you , what a terrible person he is , I hope you have nothing to do with him, and your mom I have to say was ineffectual and in fact allowed you to be abused.You are now an adult and I see you are not living with them, at some stage you will come to accept this dreadful thing did happen to you and accept it happened , but determine you will not let it affect the rest of your life .NO it definately was not your fault, he was the perpetrator.It is possible some more therapy would help you in the future.We have many similar posts it seems to be almost endemic in families you get strong, you get a good life going, and you limit the thoughts of the past ...good luck  .

[22mommy2b3]

Im very sorry this happened to u. I was sexually molested at 13 by my grandfather. It was. My mothers fault. For one it is not ur fault! Its his. And o understand the whole family thing. It was my moms dad who did it to me and when i came forward none of that side of the family believed me and has never spoken to me since. Ur lucky. There was some justice if u could go and testify against him if the statute of limitations isnt up i would! If u can ask us complete strangers for advice. U have. The strength to do that. Ur. Not  at fault. Hun. I would ay get some counciling. My grandfather did the same thing to my mother, i can never forgive her for letting me be around. Him. I know my gma knew it was happening and didnt care. I have never gotten help or justice for it. 2 weeks to my 15th birthday was the last time he touched me. My justice for myself is that he died this year 2 weeks to my bday.  I will never forget but i have forgiven. Its given me some peace.
I hope this helps u!!! Any?  Just ask away. Sorry. About the spellings I
am on a phone lol ttys

[margypops]

I am also sad that it happened to you ,its also sad the family have chosen the path of not supporting you or believing you, It is never the child's fault ,they must have to live with a lot of guilt. As you say you have forgiven them and that helps doesnt it, you accepted it happened and have got on with your life if you have children of your own I bet you are a wonderful Mom ..Good luck and a Merry Christmas to you

[jamesruss1]

its not your fault as a child...for we dont know what right and wrong...and we trust our parents...

[DFRG]

This is not your fault and I am very sorry this happened to you. It's perfectly normal for you to be struggling with sex in your marriage. I too was sexually abused and found much freedom from 12 steps Recovery at church, counseling and inner healing classes. I am writings a book about my journey and in it I talk about things that help you cope with the natural defenses that come up. Below I have listed some:

Talk to your husband with a counselor about this he needs to know so he can partner with you in getting help.

Go to a good biblical counselor and do not go to a counselor that does hypnosis from my experience this makes you relive the experience.

Read with your husband the natural body effects of sexual abuse. It's much like having your arm amputated off it had to forget the old and get used to the new.

While having sex take it slow and tell your husband you want to initiate. Explore his body sounds funny but this will allow your senses to slow down and gives you back control. By the way guys like this.

Learning to recieve love after is hard. Don't force yourself to make love if your numb. Say NO and explain to your husband that this is important. Saying No sometimes gives you the feeling that you are not being hurt but that he will respect you.

Take in all your senses: taste, smell, touch and enjoy a lot of four play.

If you feel like crying stop.

In my book I also mention Tips for Husbands it will be published soon. When it is I'll send you the title.

Get involved with Recovery 12 steps! It's awesome it helped me or free online inner healing classes at gatewaypeople.org

Praying for much healing!!

[scared3571]

I was kind of in a similar situation, in the fact my sister at first just did sexual acts on me but I never fought her off and sometimes I agreed to do it. So i have wondered wether I was also at fault.

But in your case it was definitely not your fault, your step-dad as a adult is meant to know better, you were a only still a child. He was a sexual predator who took advantage of you. I'm also sorry for how none of your family stood up for you.

[specialmom]

What you describe scared is very common with sexual abuse.  Sexual stimulation ---  wanted or not----  can happen and can feel good and that is very confusing.  People don't often talk about this because it is embarressing----  it by NO means makes abuse okay to have mixed feelings about it.  You were still abused and were still the victem.  Peace