Mental health/Marriage

[brice1967]

I am a 43 year old male who recently stepped outside my perfect marraige for unknown reasons.  My wife knows all about the affair, and she and I are marriage counseling and I am on a month long wait list for personal counseling.  My question(s) is/are, why would I step out of a perfect marriage and what kind of things can I be doing while on a wait list for counseling to address the underlying issues that lead to this affair?

[allmymarbles]

Marriage is, or should be, a lifelong commitment. This transcends imperfect behavior. Acceptance of the commitment is what will see you through.

[GroovyDeeDee]

In case anyone is wondering . . .

I just stumbled on this post.  I am Brice's wife.  He has worked so hard to overcome his depression and his own personal issues, that we both believer were the catalyst behind his affair.  

We're approaching 6 months since I found out, and still attending therapy, working hard and even exploring our spirituality a bit.  

It's going well.  Thanks for your support in these early days!  (His first post was just 2 days after I learned of the affair.)    We have found a lot of help on MedHelp.org.

[brice1967]

margy and Dazon, thanks a bunch for the words of encouragement.  Besides this affair, I had always been truthful and my character was unquestionable, but obviously I put doubt into both of those now.  Weve attended couples counseling 2 times and I've been to 2 personal therapy sessions and am learning something new every session.

The hardest thing is looking at the pain that I've caused.  I am my harshest critic, and that will be the tuffest thing to over come....the pain that I caused.

Again folks, thanks for the encouragement.  I need all of the positive reinforcement I can get these days.  :]

[Dazon50]

You are welcome.  I think your willingness to face the truth and work on your marriage says a lot about your character.  It takes a responsible person to own up for choices made.  I am hoping along with the others that your marriage will be stronger through this.

Please keep us posted how you are doing.
:-)

[margypops]

You are welcome brice the very fact you want to save your marriage and are getting help,is going a long way to making things right ,I take my cap off to you ,many dont bother but in my opinion families are worth saving ,good luck to you, keep in touch ....

[brice1967]

Thanks Dazon, iam, and margy.  I dont know whats missing in my marriage.  Obviously it is something.  I am certain that we can get to the bottom of this with therapy.  I am not afraid of the truth and want nothing more than to expose it, meet it head on, and work through this

I have recieved a lot of information about this and am finding a lot of encouraging information from my reading.  I know the road is long and bumpy, but my marriage is worth trying.

I also appreciate the idea of joining a group, although I have problems with organized religion.  I know there are other options out there and will look into it.  Again, thank you folks for your opinions, ideas, thoughts, and encouragement.

[Dazon50]

Only you can answer the real reasons why you stepped outside the boundaries.  It will take a willingness to face some hard truths.  We can offer up ideas based on experiences around us or personal ones.

As far as what can you do while waiting, you are doing something by asking questions and posting here.  Researching online or getting ahold of some good books that are recommended  are possibilities.  Time, energy, willingness....very important factors.  

Not sure you belong to a church.  At the church I was a member of, there was a support group for divorced people as well as troubled marriages.  Perhaps you can investigate your local area for such groups.

[iam1butterfly]

People look when their needs aren't being met... and, more often than not, that need is validation. As you wait for counseling, use this time to reflect on what's been missing in the marriage and what is needed to make it whole again.

[margypops]

Possible stressors would be financial problems, if you have a family do you think your wife spends enough time just the two of you,  children take up a lot of time end energy.Have you any idea why you did this, sometimes opportunity presents itself , the fact is you took advantage of that opportunity, some folks call it the mid life crisis when men seem to be wanting something more , wanting to find that old feeling of importance .You are making amends now with the counselling,I hope all works out for you and your wife .

[Jaybay]

The marriage isn't "perfect" if you stepped out on it.  Matter of fact, NO marriage is perfect and only the two people in the marriage really know what it is.  Somewhere in there you know why you acted as you did, even if the reason is so mundane as "because the opportunity was there and it felt good."  

In the meantime, ask the marriage counselor to see you for a session or two on your own until your own counselor becomes available.  There shouldn't be any ban on seeing spouses both separately and together in a marriage counseling situation.  In fact, it can actually be a good tactic for each spouse to have separate sessions and then bring them back together to hash out their differences.

Start asking yourself what triggered the affair?  Was it a spur of the moment attraction?  How long did it go on?  How did it end?  How do you define a "perfect" marriage? You wronged both your wife and the other woman, and even the other woman's husband if she is married.  Nobody forced you into another bed outside of your marriage, so what made doing it so attractive?  The answer is there somewhere, but it may take time for you to wrap your mind around it.  You've got plenty of time and the right tools in place.  Glad to hear you and your wife are both working on the problem together.  Best of luck to you both.