Molested Behind closed doors

[LisaMwalker]

Molested Behind Closed Doors: After math
10 hours
I'm not sure where to even begin to what has happened.  I ask myself everyday if this really happened to me because of where I am today and the choices I'm making.  

When I was a child I was molested by my father. Even right now having flash backs just makes me want it to go away.  I don't remember at what age it started, but I know it has stopped when I went into middle school unless I blanked that out.  I remember him cuddling with me like any parent would with their child, and he would rub my arm just for comfort which turned out to touching above.  Thinking about it makes me cringe.  I remember he would try to move down there but I would purposely wake up just so he wouldn't.  I thought to myself at the time well, what was that about?  At that time I didn't think anything of it, I just felt uncomfortable.  I don't remember how many times he's done it all I remember was after it happened.  How I felt when he did it and even as I'm typing right now I'm fighting with myself trying to think what I did or what happened.  My mind is scattered right now making me think that if he's still to this day not behind bars then maybe I'm making this up.  After he touched me I was never the same.  How I looked at him was never the same.  What was funny was I still wanted to be a good daughter and ignore what was happened.  I could not ignore what I was feeling I didn't tell my Mom at the time and I kept it to myself the whole time.  I felt as if my Dad saw me as his own property, the way he looked at me when we were in church when I sat down next to a guy.  How he would hug me and hold me tight and as he would hug me he would squeeze me enough to feel his junk on me.  I remember taking a shower and my Dad came in to go to the bathroom.  I didn't know what to do!  I remember freezing up and not moving hoping and praying he wouldn't see me.  I didn't realize what he was doing until I felt a cold breeze after he left.  My Dad was slowly opening up my shower door while he was sitting on the toilet.  I cried and cried in the shower.  I think I was a teenager then because I was more aware of what was happening.  The very worst one ever and it brings me to tears every time and I don't like saying out loud let alone type it.  I don't remember how we even got into his bed, but we did and it involved my younger sister.  To make short and to quickly get this mental picture out of my head is he made us touch him.  I'm so mad at myself for my younger sister having to go through that and I feel it was my fault for letting it happen.  I hate myself everyday for letting it happen.  I wrote in my red Hello Kitty diary and left it out in my room for someone to find out what has happened.  I was hoping someone would find out that way and not by me.  For some reason I didn't want to get my Dad in trouble.  He didn't threatened to kill me or tell me you'll hurt my feelings if you tell anyone he didn't say anything.  I don't know why I didn't say anything!  Maybe I was scared or maybe I didn't want to disappoint him.  I feel like such a looser and it's my fault because I could've stopped him!  I'm mad at myself for not doing anything about it!  As I got older, I was feeling more aware of what has happened which led me to a silent mental meltdown.  I went on with  my life as a teenager.  Kept it silent.  Never told anyone about it until I met my now husband.  He has helped me through everything and was so understanding at age 17!  Can you believe that?  He was the first person ever that I told because it was affecting my life.  Back then I kept it all inside and I guess you could say that my boyfriend made me feel that it wasn't my fault.  At that time, I showed my Dad how much I hated him and my Mom was wondering why.  They thought I was acting like a typical teenager hating their parents and want to be wisked away by their boyfriend.  I believe when I turned 18 I planned to move out with a surprise.  I couldn't take it anymore with being in the same house as him.  I rememeber fighting with my Mom and with her asking me why I hate my Dad so much and that was pretty much the opening right there.  My Mom was in shock and she was trying to cancel out everything trying to figure out anything that this couldn't be true.  I even showed her my child hood diary or the entries I put for when my Dad did those things to me.  I told her I was moving out that day.  I was expecting my Mom to be open arms and to be there for me and hold me a love me but she wasn't.  My Moms exact words were, while she was crying was,"I don't know who to believe, the love of my life, my husband, or my daughter."  I was shocked and devasted from her response.  My own mother not believing me!  Why don't you just stab me in the heart!  After that I moved out and didn't speak to them for over 2 years!  My mom would call every now and then begging my boyfriend to convince me to come home, but I died the day she told me she didn't believe me.  

Time has passed and we started talking again 2 years later when I had meningitis.  I thought by then my Dad and Mom would fess up about was has happened but of course, none of them did.  We all acted as if nothing happened!  My Mom wanted us to live like the happy family she wanted it to be.  I was still around acting like nothing happened but I felt like the black sheep.  My younger sister knew what happened, but didn't say much, my older brother doesn't know why I left and still to this day does not know.  I felt as if I was and still am living a double life.  One as a daughter and one as a victim.  I didn't say anything because I didn't want to ruin anymore than I already did.  So, for years nothing was said and done.  I was continuing to fight with myself mentally and to this day.  Back then it was pretty bad to when I seriously need professional help.  I talked to my Mom to let her know I needed professional help and she said we can get help just not in the military.  I forgot to mention that my Dad was Senior Cheif in the U.S. Navy and so my Mom didn't want me to seek counseling within the military.  Another stab in the heart.  Of course my Mom never followed through with it.  My past really put a damper on my relationship and now my marriage, but my husband is still here by my side.  I love him for that.  My husband knowing all this and very angry with everything that is going on but I'm begging him to not do or say anything to my parents.  That is a lot to ask of someone.  

I still am around my parents but we're living the fake life.  Over a year ago I talked to my Mom again about what happened and went back to what I felt about her.  Nothing phased her she just confirmed that she doesn't believe me and that its all about her and shes in it for herself.  This is an long ongoing story in which I should write a book about.  Now I have 2 kids and I'm even more scared to bring them around my parents.  Thinking that history will repeat itself with  my Dad and I can't leave my kids with my Mom because I don't trust her.  Shes' living the life thinking for herself and still with my Dad she might leave the kids alone with her.  Uhh that's a long story too.  There's more to my story, but I don't want to get into detail with that because I'm going through it as we speak.  I feel like I'm a crazy person because I'm still around my parents.  They see my boys but with strict supervision.  I don't know what to do anymore..  I want to cut them off completely but lets say current events have changed.  Help me lord!

Am I really crazy??

[Nighthawk61]

Abuse never dies, you know? Like there's no end date that it didn't happen. I think that both you and your sis' have had no other place to go, and therefore are holding tightly onto the "love" that your supposed to feel for your parent's , instead of the love that they actually deserve from you...
that being said, you know, a person , maybe most times, has a long road until they are safe enough to really  process the abuse in their lives....
and i'm so sorry that you are not in that safe place yet, to be able to see for yourself what your true feelings are, i mean if you showed your true feelings, you would crush these people...  thee is a lot of anger to work through when grieving the loss of innocence...
I get what Godsfaithful is saying about working through your financial and work issues at a shelter would be better than living in your parent's home, for two reasons. One, because it isn't safe for your kids, and Two, because if is hurting you deeply to be living a lie. Sort of like having to live like a prostitute and pretending you like it. It's heavy **** you're dealing with and I wish I lived near you and rented out a floor of my house to you and the kids.

My experience in shelters (in Canada) is that they can keep you for so long, you can access college courses payed for by student loans, (maybe for both you and your husband). There's a daycare at most shelters. Believe, me, you qualify for a shelter, because you are living in a very dangerous place right now. Please think about it, Talk about it to your husband. There's no shame in starting at the bottom, as long as you have each other's love , you have it all ... I'm praying things get better and i'm checking my messages to see how you are everyday, Liz

[Godisfaithful]

Hi Lisa,
Is there anywhere you and your family can live until your situation change? That home is not a safe place for your family; especially your children. I know how child molesters can be conniving. Those children being around your father is like putting candy in front of a child; they take it because they can't help themselves. Your father has been overtaken by this evil sickness. This is not a safe environment. I hope you don't mind me saying this; if you have to live in a homeless shelter, you all would be better off than where you are now. I'm not basing this on my personal experience, but my professional experience. There are stories I could tell you from what I found out about the characteristics about child molesters from working with them. Molesters can take a simple hug from a child and somehow rub themselves on the child, with no one's noticing. A child could jump on their lab and the molester could easily put their finger where it doesn't belong. There is no safe place in that home for your children. I can tell you right now your father are already having thoughts. He can't help it. He won't admit what he did, so I know he's hasn't gotten any help. Like I said, it's a sickness that has overtaken him. I'm not saying this to scare you, but warn you. Get out that home... Praying for you all and your safety.

[LisaMwalker]

My sister recently moved out with her boyfriend.  Prior to that she's been living at my parent's house even after knowing.  She's acting as if nothing has happened.  Loving my parents like nothing has happened even after I've told her.  No support from my siblings.  I think she just wants to erase it from her mind that it ever happened.  My older brother still to this day doesn't even know.  Crazy life I have!

[LisaMwalker]

You are absolutely right with everything you've told me!  I don't know why They're still in my life.  God has a plan for me that I don't even understand. Makes me cry just reading what you told me because you are right and I'm stupid for keeping them in my life.  I think I'm trying to hold on to what is left... I don't know.  My husband recently was laid off and it's worse because we ended up moving back to my parent's house temporarly.  

[LisaMwalker]

Thank you for your thoughts!

Quiet scary with what you've told me.  My parents are never alone with my boys.  I'm planning to talk to my Dad and get everything out on the table.  I don't know where, as far as resources go for help.  Remember I went through all this(still am) without any professional help.  

[LisaMwalker]

AnnieBrooke,

Thank you for your concern.  When I left my parent's house the day I told my Mom about what my Dad did, I didn't think to take my diary with me.  I just wanted to get the hell out of here.  I asked my Mom about it later on that time and she claims she can't find it!  I have a feeling she may have lost it on purpose.  I'm 30 years old now yet for some reason I see myself as a little kid when I'm around them.  I'm getting better at standing up for myself, but my Mom is something.  Ever since that event, my thoughts of my Mom have died and became worse when she confirmed that she doesn't believe.  My husband even said to her, "If you believe your daughter why don't you face her and tell her!"  She never did.  I told her that she's mad at me and see's me differently because of "what I did" and she didn't say anything.  She told me she's being selfish and that no one will be looking at me or looking at my Dad with what happened.  She was focused on the fact that everyone will be looking at her.  After that I was done with her.  Ehh lets just say it's a long story.  

[Godisfaithful]

Hi. I am so so sorry for what happened to you and your sister. I am a survivor of molestation. I was molested by a man that worked at our neighborhood corner store. But I cannot relate to molestation from a father. I pray for your healing. What thing that helped me was listening to Joyce Meyers, who was molested by her father. I have peace now in my life and her teachings helped me get here. I also have a relationship with God, who was the source of my strength and healing. As far as your children being around your father. Even with the strictest supervision, I would strongly advise against it. As long as those children are around him, he will have those thoughts. Not only am I a survivor but I have counseled sex offenders. It was apart of my therapy and my job. I learned about their characteristics. One of the main characteristics are their ability to be manipulative. Your children are in danger being around him. You already know you don't have your mother's support, so she would not watch them carefully. Your father could be very manipulative in getting time alone with them. One of the main things you have to be around a molester is very direct and strict. I've seen them lie and pretend life is good and they don't have a major problem. They are in their own bubble of beliefs. For them it's a comfort zone. But you have to be direct with him. There was one guy in the counseling group who molested his infant daughter. But he was in denial and felt he was fine because he didn't molest her for over 10 years and felt he should see her. But the problem was he didn't deal with what he did. He would come to therapy and acted very weird. His actions showed he wasn't dealing with the properly. The same with you dad. He is a danger to any child until he admits what he did and get counseling. You really need to cut all contact with your parents (for you and your children's sake) until they get the help they need. Right now your dad is a danger to any child. In my profession I've seen how deceiving, manipulative and conniving they can be. I've also seen how they can change with proper help. I've seen where one cried out and admitted how sorry and how he hated what he did. So there is hope for him if he gets the proper help. Praying for you guys.

[AnnieBrooke]

I am so sorry this all happened to you and your sister.  Please see a therapist, and one other thing that will help is reading accounts from other people who were molested as children, especially accounts written by incest victims who felt they could not speak up.  It helps a lot to understand that the way you reacted is the way a child reacts who has no context for understanding what is happening and needs to survive.  Frankly, your father should have been arrested for what he did; the diary would be pretty telling evidence.  But at the least, you should get counseling help.  It doesn't matter if your mother doesn't help you get it.  Find a counselor who specializes in incest survivors or childhood molestation survivors.  Even just talking with such a person will help.