Mom lied to daughter all these years about having pred. arrested.

I want to hear all your thoughts on these problems.
The young girl (18yrs old now) that lives with us was informed by her mother that she was sexually abused between the ages of 7-9. The mom has spoken about it in the open citing he was arrested for this crime for all these years. Just recently her mother emailed her that he had been arrested again.
I searched all the local newspapers where he lives, and all the public records on arrests and pretty much any site I can find to get information on this man to no avail. No newspaper articles, no arrest reports.
I did find one man with a very similar name in his state but, he was arrested for his sexual offence in 2004... Much later than he would have been arrested, if her mother had pressed charges.
This man is about the right age and the only one with the correct last name in his state with charges. However his charge was with a young boy and not a girl as well.
There are allot of things that don’t match up! The girl says she does not remember any of it at all only what her mother says... and she says she does not remember ever going to court, having a councilor, or anything at all that would have brought her into a court room setting.
Her mother says it was handled before it reached a court. Is that possible with child abuse allegations? And even still why didn’t the hearing officer demand she have counseling?
I have been wondering if her mother is lying about this. I don’t know why she would do it but, things are pointing that way.
Mom has proven to be unstable now and in the past.... could she be that bad lying to her daughter all these years and making her remember something that never took place? The girl says she does not remember anything at all! I would think that by age 9 you would remember at least some things.
I myself have been abused and I remember everything. But, I know other people block things out.
Mom has also used this reason to keep the girl from having a boyfriend for any length of time, locks her in her room with the lock on the outside. Calls her every 10 minutes to make sure she is doing what she is supposed to do.
The girl was only allowed to close her bedroom door when she was changing! It had to remain open otherwise.
the mom informed that she does this because she does not want the same thing happening to her daughter that she went through. I understand now that her mother was extremely promiscuous and she was trying to keep her daughter from being the same way!

Mom read all of her emails before she could. And she would erase what she didn’t want the girl to see. She looked through her trash cans, her school bags, and her text messages. And the list goes on. Mom is extremely ... a control freak.
I could understand all of this if she was an unruly child but, she is not! And she gets great grades!
The girl has asked her mother for documentation on seeing a councilor but, mom has failed to provide this to her.
The mom had a terrible time with her daughter moving out so much so.... the school board has informed her to get an attorney. They don’t want to deal with her anymore either. She has pretty much stirred up so much in the town we live in that no one wants anything to do with her! Everyone says.... she’s' off the wall!
Anyway, I am now believing, that mom may have invented the entire story and has kept up the lie for the last 9 years to control her daughter.
What drives a person to do something like this? This is almost as bad as remembering the abuse! To find out your mother has lied to you all these years!
What do I tell this girl about my findings... or ... not finding anything?
I have even written to a couple of law enforcement agencies to see if they could help and they couldn’t find anything on this man either.
How do I approach this with this girl? Mom kicked her out on her 18th b-day citing.... your boyfriend is interfering in school work so you either.... break up with him or get out. What do you think the 18 yr old did?
The boyfriend is not interfering with her school work at all, she gets A's & B's! Mom just hates the boyfriend and every boyfriend she has ever had and uses every reason to break them up.
Mom sold all her (the girl’s) bedroom furniture, clothing, nick knacks, and then blames me for her not wanting to come home. I can deal with this… it’s not a problem. But, it is for the girl!
It’s moms way or the highway!
What’s your take on this?
Bornsickie

[margypops]

My take on it is it is great she has you in her corner, she is an adult now whilst still young and I think you could be supportive of her feelings , I would not get involved in any other action regarding the Mother you may be right but it is for the girl to deal with it, she has by leaving home. There is nt too much the Mom can do to her, so if she is living her own life she can choose not to let her Mom be part of her life, be supportive but let her make her own descisions. As I said its great she has found a supportive friend in you ,which is the best thing for her. She can choose to ignore anything her Mom says about her boyfriend at 18 Good Luck.

[Bornsickie]

I appreciate your support and your faith in me and my hubby. Its' good to know!
We are very supportive of her endeavors and her thoughts. We are here for her in every aspect. Even though she is legally an adult we still feel that she is our adoptive daughter!
There is so much she needs to know and learn about.
I am still in a quandary about what to tell her of..... not finding anything on the ex-step father?
No, news paper articles, no arrest record.... nothing.
Since she does not remember a thing.... I am really beginning to worry that mom may have invented the entire thing. And that mom has been sicker for a longer time than previously thought.
I don’t know which is worse for her..... (The girl).... wondering if you mother has lied about something so horrendous all these years..... Or, actually finding out that mom has not lied about the abuse but, lied about the perp being incarcerated? Neither one is good.
There are still a couple of more Attorney's and Police agencies looking into the matter at this point. If they don’t find anything either (as the other returned emails indicated), then I guess I will have to inform the girl.
Thanks again I really appreciate it!
Bornsickie

[jo929]

First to find out id the girl was abused she would have to go to the dr to see if her hymen is intact, or has she already given herself to a boy? if she has given herself to a boy, then she would know whether she was a virgin, or not, the mom seems have a problem, and i believe the girl may be happier away from mom, but that is for her to decide, and she is lucky to have you on her side,if she wants to look up the history it should be easy to track it down, or talk to the girls other kin 18 years is not that hard to track any thing down, if that is her choice   luck to all jo

[MSKshelly]

Whew, someone ask me if I might have time to comment here. As someone who has worked with teens of all ages for many years, and a mom with 2 grown children and 2 teens,  and I also had a rough childhood I would say this:

Honestly what is the point now?  The incident may have taken place and not gone to court, sadly in our area that is not uncommon.  However her mother may be very delusional herself believing this is true or it may have been a lot more minor then she is making it out to be maybe not something the child herself would have realized was inappropriate but the mother does.

There is no way for you or I to ever know for sure. If the girls does not remember it then let it drop, why make something a issue to her if it's not.  If the mom has such an issue with it let her seek help to work through it.  Where is the father?
That is the other ? in my mind.. who knows this man may have been someone from the Mom's past that she has resentment toward!

Now personally I don't think teens should have complete privacy.  I don't read every e-mail, text etc, however my kids (under 18) know I have access to their passwords
and can check at any time.  This lets them know there is accountability. I honestly rarely check it but they know I can.Why because we are all human and it is easy to let one wrong decision in the teen years mess your life up.  Once the child is an adult though and moves out the decisions are hers.  It sounds like a very sad relationship
honestly, however I would encourage you to be careful.  No matter how bad a kids parents maybe the truth is acceptance and love from them is all kids hearts desire.
My dad was not the best person, but the day he died it broke my heart I know!  So never forget deep down inside the girl wants to feel like her Mom loves and cares for her.  You have provided a safe place for her to live as an independent adult, but I would
encourage the girl to have a healthy adult relationship with her mom with fair boundaries.  In time this is the greatest gift you can give her.  She does not have to live there or allow her mom to control her, but by loving her mom despite her wrong actions will help heal the hurt in the girls heart more then anything else. I have many adopted kids too but helping them to restore a healthy relationship on some level is very important.  IN truth we can never change or even always understand others we can only change ourselves!

Shelly

[Bornsickie]

Thanks so much for taking the time to comment on this post.
You & I seem to have allot in common.
I too have worked with children and teens for many years in the non-profit areas. I also was a parenting teacher for several years as well. So, I understand the avenue of your thoughts.
There is so much going on with MOM she is proving to be much like a  child herself. She has sold all the girls clothing, personal effects and mementos, and bedroom furniture and keeps sending her daughter hateful, mean emails since moving in with us.
Mom, has infused so much into this situation its ridiculous!  
The girl tells me mom gave up her first daughter for adoption and has since then had 5 abortions over the years. She has had so many men living with her over the years that she has lost count.
The man that sexually abuse her (the girl), is the father of her 2 brothers! So, the situation is a bit strange.
I have been in contact with several agencies in the area where the ex-step father lives including sheriffs offices and there is nothing to be found on this man at all! Even the new charges are not on the court dockets at all! This one attorney is fit to be tied! He has worked so hard to find out ANYTHING about this to no avail!
Now, I could be wrong and it won’t be the first time….. but, I believe the mom made all of this up so the daughter would not end up having as many pregnancies as she did. I  am sure it must have been heart breaking for the mom for all these years.
And perhaps that is why she has lied about it.
Now, what I am concerned about is the mental havoc this lie has played in the girls mind all these years. She is in need of counseling (and will get it), because she just does not know what is her own memory or that of moms continuous play by play account of this lie since she was about 4 years old!

I have not informed the girl of anything at this point but, it just kills me to see her sitting and thinking of all the lies she has been told (though she does not know they are lies yet).

As far as trying to keep open communication between mom and daughter…. I have tried and tried to no avail.
I have provided mom with numerous parenting classes (free) available in the area which she refuses to take. I have tired and tired to no avail, and at this point mom is soooooo infuriated she sees nothing nor hears nothing. It’s everyone else’s fault! Not hers.
I would love to see the girl move back home if I knew it was a healthy situation.
It would certainly make our lives easier.
I agree that parents need to make our children accountable and I agree that we as parents should check out what our kids are putting on the web!
My 32 year old son uses my computer all the time and I have all his passwords as well.
I am very much like you… I have all the passwords to every site they (my adult children) belong too but, this does not mean I read their emails and delete them without telling them. I have always talked to my kids about whatever I have located and took care of the problem together. Not behind their backs.
Nor have I put the bedroom locks on the outside of their doors to keep them confined. If I needed them to go away and be quiet for a while… then there were other avenues for them to accomplish this besides locking them in their room’s everyday after school for hours and hours on end. Her having to beg to be left out to use the bathroom!
I now you didn’t say anything about this…it just peeves me too no end!
Teens don’t need complete privacy I agree…. But, there is a line in-between there that also needs to be respected no matter what age you are. Mom has continuously crossed that line to the extreme.
You asked about the dad. Her biological father is in a mental institution and the man that adopted her …. I honestly can’t figure him out at this point.
He has not once picked up the phone to talk to me since she has moved in. I would want to talk to people my daughter is living with. Wouldn’t you?
She spent 6 seeks with him over the summer…. The girl informed us that he buys her all school clothes….. but, she came back without one NEW ANYTHING!
The girl informed me that he hates me as well due to what her mother has informed him of … of course… but, I think I would still have to pick up the phone at least to threaten me! Lol  ie: Take care of my daughter or else!  But, nothing from him at all! Maybe because she is 18 now? I just can’t figure him out.
It’s so much easier seeing things in other families… that its tough to see your own sometimes. I am no exception.
Moms, mom (the girls grandmother), is just as much a liar as the daughter she raised (the girls mother), and has turned out to be a person that I like even less than the girls mother! OMG she is just awful! And what a potty mouth! Yet, she carries herself like a queen!
We had it out at school a few weeks ago and the school was ready to call the police! They couldn’t believe her! In front of all those school kids! What a role model!
That day the mom was informed that her parental rights were no longer in effect since the girl is now 18 and she went ballistic! She has caused so many problems with the school board they informed her not to call write or email anyone on the board again and too get an attorney! This woman is just off the wall! And her mother as well! They blame the school board now! Mom just keeps searching for faults/reasons with everyone and anything else and will not take a look at herself at all. It’s a real shame because she must have done some things right, she has a great daughter!
She has even gone so far as to threaten the boys…. If you see your sister while living in my house…. You’ll be out on the street! They are ages 13 & 15!
This mom is probably the most controlling mom I have ever met and if things don’t go her way….. Its hell for whoever is in the way!
Say a prayer that mom comes to her senses soon before she looses her daughter forever!
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply it does help to read and think about things from other minds and other avenues!
Bornsickie

[kathy434]

Your young lady living with you has a real load on her plate to have to deal with especially at this young age.  God help her.  And thank God that she has been able to live with you.  It appears that living with you and your husband has been about the most normal thing this child has experienced in her life, and that she can talk to you about the issues of her family and be believed will give her that understanding that she is not devalued, crazy, ignored, unprotected, abandoned.

One night I listened to a seminar for medical professionals regarding the health of their patients.  One thing that really stuck with me was how a physician can make a basic determination of a patient's mental health, from the moment he enters the exam room.  If the physician feels comfortable, connects with the patient, and able to communicate effectively with the patient, then it is quite likely the patient is reasonably mentally sound.  But when he meets a patient in the exam room, and suddenly the doctor can hardly wait to get out of that room and away from that patient, it is reasonably sure that that patient has psychiatric issues beyond the scope of the doctor's ability to treat.  The very next day I encountered exactly that mentally unstable person as spoken about.  While this person constantly put down everything about me, and everything in the close environment, a blatant full force attack for the kill, I reached into that lecture the night before and totally realized what I was dealing with, and thus became totally unruffled.  While I remained calm and kind, I was not going to allow her to hurt the environment or other people close by.  Eventually she and her companion left, she was still hurling insults and putdowns.  It was like a tornado just when through.  I moved on to the next person, only to find her nearly catatonic from shock, after listening to the scene.  I got the new person relaxed and even laughed about what had just happened.  She couldn't believe how well I handled the situation.  That woman's companion returned alone later, apologised profusely for how that woman acted.  I told her that it was not her fault that her companion behaved so badly.  She owed me no apology.  Her companion, however, did.  I never expected to get that apology, and I never did.  That didn't matter, because I knew what I was dealing with.  Much later, I told this story to a minister.  He said that my happening to get into that lecture the night before was Devine Intervention.

Speaking as a suvivor of childhood abuse, including sexual, I can tell you that the victim doesn't forget.  She may not remember every detail in her life.  But if she had been sexually abused, she would remember that.  So I highly doubt that this young lady experienced sexual abuse.  She has a very clear memory of the abuse she experienced from her mother.

Being that you are aware of her parent's health backgrounds, I am pretty sure you know what you are dealing with.  Her mother is beyond being a bully.  Her mother is clearly mentally ill and unable to cope with her life.  To lie to her daughter about her step father, or anybody for that matter, having sexually abused the girl can be devastaing to the child's relationship with that person, as well as very confusing.

That you have looked into this matter as you have done, legally, search records etc and found no concrete evidence of this having ever taken place, plus the girl's lack of any memory of any such event, tells me that it very likely never happened, except in the unstable mind of a mother who fabricates things, blames others for her problems, refuses to acknowledge she has serious problems, much less get help for it, and seems addicted to drama.

While the child is fully aware of what her life has been with this unstable woman she needs to be able to see everything for what it actually is.  And telling her the truth will not hurt her, but help her in seeing the reality of her mother's severe illness.  It won't necessarily make her hate her mother to know the facts about her mother's behavior and fabrications, etc.  It will help her to understand that her mother is very ill, and making fabrications, locking doors, going through her belongings, and mail or email and deleting them at will, is all part of her illness.  It has nothing to do with the girl herself.  She is not at fault for any of the behaviors of her mother.

You have dealt with the mother and know what a stressful event this is.  Even her grandmother.  You are aware how the schools, legal system, and others can't stand to deal with her.  This is because they are not dealing with a rational, healthy adult.  They are dealing with a severely mentally ill individual, and they just want to lock the doors when she comes down the walk.  (The doctor cannot stand his patient and wants to run out of the exam room).  It is a psychiatric issue.

It is very painful to be abandoned by your father.  For whatever reasons he has made in his choice to abandone his step-daughter, are things he and he alone will have to live with for the rest of his life.  It might be good for the child to try to make contact with him, if she wants, to hear him out on why he abandoned her.  He likely has bought into fabrications by her mother.  Maybe he thinks his step-daughter wants nothing to do with him.  A message fabrication to him from her mother.  The young lady needs to hear the truth from all sources, and clear the air of misunderstandings, and perhaps resume her relationship with her step father.  At least she would get her information from the horses mouth.

Unless you think this child is too fragile to hear about your searching for the truth,  I think it behooves her to know the facts behind that which she has experienced, and that her mother is a fabricator, mentally ill and finding it difficult to make rational choices in her life because of her illness.  This includes her choice to refuse help.  This daughter needs also to understand that it is not up to her to rescue her mother.  She does not have the power to control anyone but herself.  With the truth and facts under her feet, she is free to move forward in her own life.
    Kathy434

[allmymarbles]

Either the mother is making things up - or the girl is. I can go along with denial, but am not a big fan of repressed memory. A lot of it has been debunked.