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My Mother is very controling
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My Mother is very controling

I hope someone can tell me what to do.  I have a 76 year old Mother.  If I do not call her every day.  She has me sick, in the hospital or says that I am mad at her.  So I make it a point to call her every day to check on her. My mother constantly pics at me (my weight, my children, etc) but she says she is playing if I say something about it, but it does not feel like play if you could see the look on her face. She has played my children against me. She wants me to take trips with her every year. (Leaving my husband at home.) I did not really mind at first.  We had a good time and called them Mommy and Me trips.  She has a 401K that she has and at first was paying for the trips and I was told that it would go to me anyway and we can enjoy the money together and she wanted to see the world.(I figured she worked for it why not.) Now she wants me to pay for my share of the trips and I have done so.  But now she is not wanting to spend her money and very insistant that I pay for most things. When I go on these trips she constantly complains and says hateful things to me and I keep it all inside.  She says she cannot walk or she will not eat. (She can do both, but likes to get attention.) She does not want me to leave her side. I do not feel these trips are worth the money anymore. My aunts have ask me to go for a 4 day Las Vegas trip.  I have agreed to go.  Since then, she has said she is going to take trips with someone else.  I told her great!  She did not like that.  I went to see her the other day. She picked at me so much I could not take it anymore.  I told her that she speaks hateful to me and picks on me.  She told me, "Don't come back anymore". My mother has gotten mad at me in the past and has taken me out of her Will 3 times.  She bought a car and I was told it was my graduation present. When I told her I was getting married she took it away from me and never gave it back.  When my children were born, she called herself Mommy to them.  I said she was Grandma and she told me that I had them but they were hers.  I try to stay in good graces with her, I am an only child and she is not married.  I keep thinking to myself who is going to take care of her when she will need it. There is a whole lot more but I would be writting a book. What do I do!!!!!!  I feel, guilty, mad, and depressed.
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3060903_tn?1390303996
I would tell my mom that I simply cannot afford to take trips without the family, and every single time she cut me up, I would tell her that it is hurtful and unnecessary. Then i would hold off calling her everyday so she could think a bit about my expectations from the relationship. If my mother could not be trusted not to say inappropriate things to my children, I would stop the visitation until she had more respect. It's a hard line that you must take, and I don't envy you. To no stand up for yourself, you are simply continuing to engage in enabling a co dependent relationship. I'm sorry that it won't be easy to get results, but I'm rooting for you.
10 Comments Post a Comment
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13167_tn?1327197724
Since you have aunts who are fit enough to travel to Las Vegas,  let them step in.  I think you should take her at her word,  and "don't come back anymore".  
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Avatar_m_tn
Why do I feel so guilty?  I would not feel so guilty if she was not 76.  Like I said who is going to really take care of her.  I agree with you and I really feel like that...not going around her.  I guess she has programmed me all my life.  I will be 53 in June.  I need to break this pattern.
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757137_tn?1347200053
She is too old to change, but you are not. However, rather than put the kibbosh on your relationship (which I doubt that either of you wants), why not make up convenient excuses as to why you can't go on such and such trip? Even if she is not taken in, she can't do much about it. Honesty is not always the best policy.
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Avatar_m_tn
I have tried the so call little white lies...she checks up on me.
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757137_tn?1347200053
So let her, but stick to you guns anyway. She will know you are lying, but what can she do about it?
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Avatar_m_tn
I guess cause it makes her madder.  I guess she has me worring about her feels too much.
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13167_tn?1327197724
Alleycat,  this is your choice in life.  This is your choice.  You and I are the same age.  

You can decide to put all your energy into your children,   or your mother.  

It's up to you.
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3060903_tn?1390303996
I would tell my mom that I simply cannot afford to take trips without the family, and every single time she cut me up, I would tell her that it is hurtful and unnecessary. Then i would hold off calling her everyday so she could think a bit about my expectations from the relationship. If my mother could not be trusted not to say inappropriate things to my children, I would stop the visitation until she had more respect. It's a hard line that you must take, and I don't envy you. To no stand up for yourself, you are simply continuing to engage in enabling a co dependent relationship. I'm sorry that it won't be easy to get results, but I'm rooting for you.
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5039239_tn?1364028271
Sounds like my mom, she'll drive you nuts. Try to tell her to stop, she doesn't quit the negativity. Irritating. So, if I talk to her, I make it quick, don't bother to react or respond to her silliness, and it's better for me. Try not to let her irritate you. Maybe she just likes to control everything, if you don't care, then she won't have much fun will she. She probably will find somebody else who she can irritate. Attention getters, don't you think? Don't let her crap ruin your day!!! Can't change nobody but yourself!!
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Avatar_f_tn
My mom is the same but alot worse. I really don't want to put my life story down but I will talk to u by notes. IV been there and now im free of it. Note me im also a student of psychology  and a stay at home mom of 6. If you want to talk im here.
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