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My dearest friend
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My dearest friend

I have this best friend, well ex-friend. For eight years i have stood by her side loyal, never did i ever give up on her till now. We were both abused when we where younger. Both sexually, emotionaly, yet she was physically abused. We never let this get us down, we worked hard as students, and in the community we stood out. Recently though, about a year ago, everything changed. She met this boy, who i never took a liking to. We never fought over boys, but he was no regular boy. I knew something was wrong with him, and I tried to get her to see my point of view. All-in-all she winded up getting pregnant. And i supported her throughout her pregnancy, while he cheated on her over and over again, even in her face. She had the baby and was struggling. About a month or two ago i had found out that he beats her, he even put a knife to her throat, and beat her while she was holding the baby. Me and her other friends took her away from him. We tried to talk to her, show her that there are other men out there, good men. But she went back to him the very next day. Once she was with him i got a phone call, she exchanged harsh words towards me, and since i have not spoken a word to her. I refuse to see her, I still care about her, but i will not risk my health for her. Her mother and a family friend called me today asking me to be a big part in an intervention that they want to set up. I believe it will be pointless. Yet I still have hope that one day, she will let go of this ***, she calls her boyfriend. So what is the best way to go about doing this?
60%
 (3) 
Should I participate in the intervention?
40%
 (2) 
Should I ignore this and concentrate on my life and my family?
5 Members voted
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15 Comments Post a Comment
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535822_tn?1417529476
She needs your help and everyone in her lifes help, some People cannot let go so if she has family trying to help yes I think you should be part of it, before something happens and you will regret that. If it is pointless you will have tried and be glad you did so, it may be what she has waited for ,that someone will take the decision and do it for her, Good Luck you are one heck of a great friend .Let us know how it goes please.
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Avatar_f_tn
sounds like u r a really good and quality friend... u definitely should give her a chance.. she's in a chaotic situation right now and unable to really think what's right for her since she's blinded with her love for her boyfriend.. that is a typical trait of an abused person.. holding on to the person abusing them with the reason of she loves him too much, that he loves her too much and jst doing this and that and because of so and so, and that he will change.. I'm sure u r aware of that having mentioned that u were active in the community.. she needs u most now more than ever.. she will need to help herself as well and I'm sure u can be a big part of her "self-acceptance" process.. that there is someone else out there besides the man she's with now who would truly love her and that love shouldn't hurt her emotionally or physically.. good luck 2 u and ur friend.. she's very lucky to have a friend like u.. keep us posted :)
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Avatar_f_tn
this is a very hard question to answer, I know that you want to help, and care very much for her But can you help a person that does not want help, it sounds like she needs to see a psycologist, or counsler, i had a daughter that was abused for years, i did not know about it until he passed away, she went through a living h----call her and tell her you are there for her and if she needs you to call also try to explain that he may hurt the child, or she may be dead the next time but i beleive that a person must want help before you can help can the law not do something if this is so bad i feel for both of you, but this must be your decision, and whatever the decision do not feel guilty about anything you have tried   luck to you  jo
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Avatar_f_tn
I wanted to mention that my daughter was in therapy a long time after the abuse he had told her she was ugly she was this she was that and she was lucky to have him he beat her broke her nose and arm also she had no self esteem left, she had tried to get away, but with 4 children it was hard, but back to your friend mabe he has her convinced she is dirty and no good and has broken her down untill she feels like he is the only one that will have her, I know that she is one sick person, or she would not stay in this situation, and she will have to have a lot of therapy when and if she gets away you are one brave person to have put behind you for what you have suffered, i am glad that you were strong enough to take control of your own life, I still beleive that the police could do something if things got to bad, i do hope so  luck jo
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Avatar_f_tn
The abuser tends to make the abused believe that the reason he abuses her is because of something she said or did to cause it. In other words the person who did the threatening will do something, then blame it on the abuses like, why did you make me do that? or why did you have to go and make me mad.  It is a control thing. They will usually accuse family and friends of getting in their business, put down friends and in some cases go so far as to forbid them from being around friends and family. They isolate them little by little over time until there is no one or no where for the abused to turn. When he hits her and is angry, then he is sorry and says things like I am sorry, why did you make me do that, then the flowers, gifts, Im sorrys, lovemaking, making up and then the cycles starts over again. Good for awhile, the abuser then starts gittin irritated and so on.  I would not turn my back on her because this is what he wants you to do.  Just be there and be her friend but maybe in a neutral place. Tell her when she is ready she knows where to reach you but in the interim you cannot listen to their problems anymore as it is too upsetting.  Ride the middle of the fence so to speak.
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Avatar_f_tn
The abuser tends to make the abused believe that the reason he abuses her is because of something she said or did to cause it.

Amen.  I know this much too well.  Abusers like their victims isolated and dependent.

nahnie,
Be a friend and help when you can.  Not much more you can do than offer support.  Your ways of handling something is not always someone else's way.  Remember that slow help over time is better than too much all at once.

jander
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535822_tn?1417529476
As it was her Mom and friend who called and asked for your help it would be worth considering but if you think it would be pointlessas you said , you have answered yourself,sometimes we have to stand up and be counted,consider all avenues before you make that decision.,its not always easy ,go with your gut feeling.
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896355_tn?1254262667
All these answers are correct.
When you are the victim your whole existence revolves around the abuser, you believe every thing they tell you including what they say about you.  I have been there it is the hardest thing to leave them, and if they are violent its harder you fear for your life and the manipulation is so strong that you just no that no one can protect you, you believe will not be safe no matter where you go.  I remember flying down the stairs hitting the door and then being thrown out with only my robe, yes I went back, three or four more times.
I went to work and with the support of being away even for a short time each day I was able to see I was not the monster he had me believing that I was. Slowly I knew I was a good person and worth more than what I had.  It still took another year before I was strong enough to move out, he went after my son and that was it, I even had the guts to stand up to him and tell him I was leaving, he let me go but he made my life H*** after I left for a very long time, using our kids against me and the other kids.  Got side tracked sorry, anyway she needs to know you are her friend regardless if you help with the intervention or not she needs someone who knows she is a good person.  “We are friends, we pick each other up when we fall, we dust the dirt off, we give a hug, and send us out again, to try something else, we don’t judge, we accept, good and bad, wrong and right, unconditionally we are friends!”  At least let her know you care and are there if she needs you.  Besides you know who the real woman she can be. If she does not survive you will think "I should have done something or some how been there.  XXO M
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