My father abused my sister when we were young and now she blames me.

[Ron_at_70]

I am now 70 and my sister is 68. When I was 10-12 years old (and my sister 8-10) my father shared a bed with her (parents divorced, he had custody). I heard him raping her several times. In our 20's my sister and I talked about it and a relative told me that they knew about it. My father died years ago, but my sister and I remained close. However a few years ago she told me that the abuse never happened and that I was making it all up. She became hysterical and broke off all ties with me. I miss my sister and understand that she does not want to think about the past. I can't think of any way to patch things up with her--and no, I would not bring up our past, but my presence seems to trigger memories for her. Is this kind of reaction common for people in my sister's position? I get the feeling she is blaming me in some way for what happened.

[RockRose]

Your therapist probably mentioned "Cognitive Dissonance" to explain your sister's behavior.  In this phenomenon,   someone decides how they want to view the world,  and become increasingly uncomfortable when evidence arises that disproves their view of the world.

A classic case is a woman who doesn't want to believe,  despite all evidence,  that her husband is having an affair.  That woman will fit new evidence into the puzzle in such a way that she can still tell herself her husband is faithful.  The stronger the evidence,  the harder she has to work and the angrier she is at the messenger,  often cutting them out of her life and calling them a liar.

In your sister's case, she has decided to believe she had a loving daddy and normal childhood.   In the face of the clear evidence that you were witness to her father raping her repeatedly,  and you remember it,  her only recourse is to kick you out of her life so that she can continue to frame her fantasy childhood the way she wants to.

She doesn't blame you for the fact she was abused - she has no choice but to remove your voice from her reality.    If you were a less reliable witness - if she could simply dismiss you by saying no you're wrong,  you weren't there,  you didn't know him,  etc.  she could continue to have you in her life and continue her construct of her childhood.

But she can't.    You were there,  and she knows it.   With cognitive dissonance,  she has no choice but to completely dismiss you because the alternative of living with the knowledge that her father raped her repeatedly is too painful.

Best wishes for you.  You have nothing to feel guilty about.  

[AnnieBrooke]

I think in your shoes I would discuss it with a therapist.  A professional would be able to answer your questions about whether there is a tendency to blame other family members who were around when bad things happened.  You might never regain your closeness with your sister -- ask the therapist about the tendency of some families to gloss over the bad things about their parent once he dies even when he was horrible.  (I have some cousins who have glorified their alcoholic dad who made their lives a constant uproar, because he is now safely dead and they want very much to feel important and to feel like their lives weren't a mess when they were kids.  It's delusional but it might actually be something they need.)  Anyway, try to let go of the worry that your sister blames you.  She might blame you and she might not, but unless something changes in her mindset (and you can't control that) there is little enough you can do to change her mind.  Talk also to the therapist about that.

[Ron_at_70]

Thanks for your concern. I realize that there is virtually no hope of ever reconnecting with my sister. I spent years in therapy trying to cope with my own guilt over what happened. I guess she has never faced it herself, but there is nothing I can do about that. Still, I loved her and I do miss her.