My grown sister is abusing my family... financially and mentally. Help Please

I am looking for a support group for my parents. My older sister (she is 30 years old) is emotionally abusive and has various behavioral issues. These issues have existed for more then a decade and after a year of therapy myself to fight anxiety and OCD, I want to find help for my parents. There is more that my sister has done to my parents and our entire family that I could possibly list in this text box. The truth is my sister has stolen more money from my parents then I can count by stealing their identity (credit cards, internet fraud, etc.) as well as stealing personal items (priceless jewelry, cameras, etc.).

My therapist suggested that my parents go to a support group for abused parents to help them cope and face the issues brought on my my sister. At this point they ignore the issue in hopes that is will resolve or to avoid confrontation.  Though they have worked with her the past with these issues she is stubborn and refuses to seek help.  After doing some research I am not finding much in the way of parental abuse. I want to help them, it is so hard to watch them be taken advantage of and abused.

[AnnaE]

You could write to the mental health forum here, or perhaps your doctor could refer you to a competent therapist, who could refer you to a group. Also, you could look on the Internet for group therapy in your city. A general group might also help.

[RockRose]

egilpin, this is so difficult.  If your parents are open to support,  ToughLove probably has a support group in your area.  Their website is under construction right now - toughlove.com,  but I found this link with the 800 phone number for support groups.  Although ToughLove deals mainly with parents of teens,  it appears parents of adults are also welcome.

Often parents continue to allow a mentally ill/destructive adult child to steal from them because that's more comfortable for them than kicking them out.  As you grow and become healthier,  and pressure them to stop being victims,  they may actually reject you rather than your destructive sister.

Best wishes.  Glad you're doing better yourself.

http***www.oceancitylibrary.org/organizations/Tough%20Love%20Parent%20Support%20Groups.htm

[Amphitrite]

I think if your parents haven't asked for you to get involed you should think twice. There may be alot more top these family dynamics and your being willing to list all of your sisters wrongs makes me feel like perhaps she's teh scape goat.

Of couse stealing is wrong. But when people refuse to get help it's more becayse they're afraid, nlt stubburn. Have you ever spoken to you sister without judgement just support and compassion?

She may habe some problems like addiction, where she needs money to get drugs and alcohol, a shopping addicton or has gotten herself into a whole financially where to her stealing the money seems less humiliating than asking for help.

tHese are real problems and she may need help from carung and supportive people who love her. Not who will hold all of what she's done against her and make her feel more badly than she already must.

I'd say if your parents haven't asked you to get involved then you shouldn't. I'm 30 and my parents are well equipt to handle they're own decisions.

I think there are more to the family dynamics than your sister is the abuser and your whole family her victims.
Maybe the whole familt should be in couseling,

Mom, dad, you, and her..there are many great familt therapists.
But I doubt this is the whole story and that there aren't other issues going on that aren't your sisters responsibility but she's just becomes the scape goat.

Just let your parents handle theur daughter the way they feel is approproate fro now and maybe talk to your sister clear of judgement. You may find out there is more going on than you think.

Readng this, you could be my sister and I actually wondered if you were. But only as an adolecent (adolescent) did I reach in my dads wallet for a few bucks. But of you ask my sister I've been awful to the whol efamily. And I'm an abuser and they're my victims. But it's not like that at all. More like I'm the scape goat and all the responsbility is put onto me because it's easier than having to deal with what part you may have played.
I was no angel and have done some crappy things. But it gies both ways and usually does in a family.

Family dynamics are complicated especially when you deem one person the reason for all the issues and remove yourself and everyone else from any responsibility and let that one person carry all the burden.

This is my take on what your saying because I'm in the exact same situation minus teh stealing. But the first clue was your being willing to list everything she's done wrong only that the space was too small and saying all she's done to you, your parents and teh entire family.

I just think there;s more going on here and you should continue you rtreatment and let your parents handle their own decisions about the relationship between them and their daughter.

Soory, this may sound harsh. But I'm just skeptical of one 30 year old woman being the cause of all teh family issues as she's continually abused the entire family and the family has no responsibility in what is happening or has happened.

Amph

[AnnaE]

I had looked up tough love for you, but I read that the group has met with a lot of criticism in recent years, so I cannot recommend that to you. I looked it up before I recommended it, because I went to some meetings a while back and I did not agree with some of their pactices. I am not surprised that they are meeting with opposition. The criticism has mainly to do with teen deaths, but that's enough to drive one away, even if your concern is about a teen.

[evalycra]

I really feel for you. I am the daughter inlaw of a family that has gone through the same thing. Yes the one person can cause all those problems for one family. We (myself, husband and other siblings) can not figure out why the parents allow it to continue with the one child and never would the the rest get away with it. Now the mother is dying of diabetes and she is continuing to use there money and mentally abuse the parents and manipulate them. I too could not list all the awful things she done to each and every one of us but its not worth my energy. All I can say is give it to God cause you cannot handle it alone.

[PeaceMouse]

What I can tell you from my own experience is that if a person is abusing someone and they will not stop- the best thing to do is completely cut that person and those whom affiliate with them out of your life completely.  It is hard, especially if it is family- I had to disown my entire family because of abuse- but it is well worth it in the end.  You will notice a difference that no therapy can re-create.  Therapy for that type of behavior will only prolong the abuse because the abused and the abuser still remain near each other- thus not fixing the problem completely.  Your sister sounds like mine- whom I avoided like that plague as a child and teen- sociopathic is what the actions sound like.

It's hard, but getting yourself and your parents away from that person altogether is usually the only way to get that to stop completely.  It is not easy.