Need some help to ***** my crazy thoughts

When i was 15 i stupidly got dressed up and went to a nightclub with my friend i said i was stayin with this friend. Anyways while in outside my friend left me to hook up with a guy and i was left alone at 5am no one around and got pulled in the back of a car and raped. I never told anyone about this at the time as i thought they would say its my fault i shouldnt have been out a nightclub i was too young.

However i then told people of this last year and got counselling.

Now i never go clubbing and never drink, but one night i got depressed split up from boyfriend decided to go out get pissed. I got a little too drunk and can remember most of the night i know nothing happened to me in the night club as i was with my brother and sobering up.

We went into the pub my brother works in we arrived about 00:25 i chatted with my friends for a few mins i met this girl went up stairs had a smoke and a chat then we went to the toilet and fixed this would have took around 15 mins we then sat at the table all my friends and had a drink then i went with my brother at 1am till he got his stuff when he finished. I can remember going in the smoke the loo the table and goin with my bro to get his stuff but i cant help thinking what if i was raped and i dont know?

I remember goin in and going out and bits in between do you think i could have been raped again and not remember but remember before and after? and in this short space of time? Ive went over it in my head and there would have only been about 5/10 mins i cant remember but my brother probably would have notcied me gone as he is very protective and also i was wearing jeans and a belt and i dont remember these ever being off.

What do i do i cant talk to anyone about this and dont want to start therapy again. Could this have happened or am i needin help?

[AnnieBrooke]

My guess is that you did not get raped, because you would have the evidence of disarray, but it sounds like the first situation is not done yet for you, and maybe a little more therapy (but with a therapist you like better) would be helpful.  I've broken up with lots of boyfriends (one or two tremendously sad and hard to get over) and have never made the decision to go out and get pissed as a result.  You can't be drinking to the point where you don't know what is going on and then have to worry about what happened.  That behavior will take you nowhere and give you lifelong problems if you do it even every now and then; a good counselor (not one you dislike or distrust) will be able to help you work on the whole thing.

[lisaob1]

hi sara..its no wonder you feel the way you do..although nothing probably happened to you the last time you were out with your brother..but obviously you hold a fear of what happened to you at 15...does your brother know of this?... its easier said than done with a therapist..i myself have never seen one but that doesnt mean i dont believe in the help and support they can give you...talking through your problems is the first and best step you can take to regain control of your demons and your life again...but also..at 15 to go through something so awful...its so wrong.if you need to talk,just let me know..im 38 now,and trust me.when i was your age somebody who was 38 was like a fossil....but i truely know where your coming from....what you have been through is absolutely not one bit right...

[RockRose]

sarah,  I agree with the others that it's very unlikely you were raped in this last episode.  

I also don't know that what you're experiencing isn't a rational,  normal way of coping with what happened to you at 15.  Once bitten twice shy as they say.

I think in the future,  if you go to bars you need to limit your drinking to one or two throughout an evening,  and I suspect if you allow yourself to become so intoxicated that you have blackouts,  you will again in life fear that you were raped and can't remember.

Best wishes -

[sarahcarson78]

Hi Thank you to you all.

I will never drink again from 15 till like the age i am now i was basically recluse
i never went out let alone drink and never will drink again. I found out my boyfriend was sleeping with men thats why i drank too much i was depressed as it is and this set me over the edge i think.

I will need to seek therapy again i know that my life's amess i have got terrible OCD, im in fear to walk out to my car, I'm having irrational thoughts and my nerves are terrible i can hardly sleep or eat.

I know deep down nothing happend to me that night as i can remember entering and leaving and bits in between, my brother was there (keeping an eye on me no doubt) i was only there for 30 mins, I have no memory of anything happening to me. and also where could i be raped in a small bar without anyone noticing. I would have to have been taken outside round an alley my belt and jeans removed and back on then walk back round this would have taken longer than 5 mins. Do you think i Should mention this incident to the therapist or will she think im crazy?

[RockRose]

I think you should mention this incident to the therapist because it really does point to OCD like thought patterns.  OCD is an anxiety disorder,  and I think anyone can understand your anxiety here.  

The fact that you really can't let this go clearly points out - to a therapist - what direction to take your therapy in.

Do you exercise?  A brisk walk or jog or bike ride (real bike,  not stationary) can really put you in a better frame of mind and relieve anxiety.

Best wishes.

[sarahcarson78]

I just called my old therapist and told her all about my fears on a telephone consulation

She has made me see a bit more clearly
1. I was not date raped as i would have passed out, Which i know didnt happen.
2. There was not enough time for me to get to somewhere get clothes off be raped and put clothes back on perfectly
3. Someone would have noticed i was gone.
4. If i was raped i would have been acting strangley that night afterwards but i wasent i was happy and enjoying my night.
5.I would have been sore or underwear on wrong which none of these happened.
6. i Remember most parts of the night going in coming out having a smoke chattin with friends going to the toilet fixing my hair and havin a drink and goin with my brother to get his stuff all this happened in 35 mins max would be highly unlikely that i was raped as well.

She is coming to see me on tuesday to resume therapy but i would like to than k you all for your kind input and reassurance.