Aa
Not sure if this is abuse
I have this boyfriend whom I love dearly. In the beginning of our relationship, he lavished gifts on me, was super sweet and made me feel like an all around princess. In return, I wanted to give him the world. Lately, things have been changing quite a bit. I don't see that "would do anything for me" attitude anymore. No matter what the situation, he is always trying to act like he did nothing wrong. He says it is always me. One night, we got into a fight and he said he wanted to kick my teeth down my throat and then kill me by cutting my throat. Within seconds, he has apologized and was trying to kiss my tears away. I left him but forgave him shortly after. Recently things have not been so blatant. he has always called me names. He claimes I promiscuous. That is the nicest way I can say it. He uses terrible words. Any time we are in an arguement he calls me names. A couple of weekends ago, he told me that the only prerequisit to be with me is to have a penis. I have been reading up on the internet a little about some of this. It says that even neglect is a form of abuse. He will often times not call me or return my texts and I will call and text and beg him back because I am afraid he does not love me anymore. He will ignore me until he is ready to let me back in. Often times, I have not done much to deserve this behavior. It breaks my heart every time because I love him, and he won't even return my calls. Then, once he does, I am so grateful that I forget that the fight began with his misdoings. He does what he wants with no consequences. He doesn't seem to have much feeling about hurting others. He is a criminal and did two years in the pen. My question is, is this verbal or emotional abuse or am I making tooo much of it. I am not the easiest person to get along with sometimes and I do irritate him a lot lately.
Get out while you still can. He seems to be very sly and sneaky, he manipulates you and drains all of your self confidence, but in a way that is so subtle it seems as if you are being silly. To others it would probably look like nothing, he seems very tactful and clever at this. He makes everything seem like you can't be without him, by ignoring your calls and acting aloof. You begin to feel like a mess because he isn't around, and believe the only way to be okay again is if he is with you. You've become dependent on him and that's what he wanted all along.
Ask yourself what happiness you get from this relationship, make a pros and cons list. My guess is it would be very difficult to write down any good points. The problem is you feel you can't live without him because of the way he treats you, like you are beneath hm. The reason you can't be without him isn't because he makes you happy or treats you right, but because you don't know how to live without him.
He was so lovely to you at first so he could entice you and show you how wonderful life could be, but that wasn't the real him. Once you were under his spell, he slowly started to show his true colours by being verbally abusive to you. Don't let this spin out of control, before you know it, he may even begin to raise his hands to you. Don't leave it until you are married and have children to him, do it whilst you still can.
Look after yourself, be independent and have some more self respect, don't let him win by being the boss of you, take control and stand up for yourself, he has no right to treat you the way he does. Every time you ring him crying when he ignores you, your just wrapped around his little finger and that gives him such a rush as he sounds like a controller.
Ask yourself what happiness you get from this relationship, make a pros and cons list. My guess is it would be very difficult to write down any good points. The problem is you feel you can't live without him because of the way he treats you, like you are beneath hm. The reason you can't be without him isn't because he makes you happy or treats you right, but because you don't know how to live without him.
He was so lovely to you at first so he could entice you and show you how wonderful life could be, but that wasn't the real him. Once you were under his spell, he slowly started to show his true colours by being verbally abusive to you. Don't let this spin out of control, before you know it, he may even begin to raise his hands to you. Don't leave it until you are married and have children to him, do it whilst you still can.
Look after yourself, be independent and have some more self respect, don't let him win by being the boss of you, take control and stand up for yourself, he has no right to treat you the way he does. Every time you ring him crying when he ignores you, your just wrapped around his little finger and that gives him such a rush as he sounds like a controller.
you were able to tell us that he has hurt others and you and all the horrible things he is doing to you and to others. Can you tell me why you love him? that's not a sarcastic question. you haven't said one good thing about him but still say you love him. can you give me a reason why? i think you know the answer to your own question. if you didn't see all the bad things he is doing then I would say you are in trouble and that you have been blinded by love. But you do see and recognize the bad things. you know the answer. you just have to stop just talking about it and do something about it. You don't have children with him. He isn't supporting you financially. You aren't living with him. There is no reason you cant get out of it and I know you know that.
i understand what you are going through i have been there myself with 2 kids involved. you need to get away from him or he will completely take over your entire life and you'll never be happy being treated this way there is only one option and thats to leave him it takes a lot of courage to leave someone you love but there are bigger and better things out there for you and you deserve to be treated with respect it will take time to get over this abusive relationship but believe me you will get over it and make the most of your life hope this is of some help to you
You are being used, and you are being abused, and you are his AMUZEMENT! Would you treat a dog this way? Begging him to let you back into his life? Who is he, GOD! Anytime you are uncomfortable in a relationship, and you feel that you are not being treated right, you are being abused. This is verbal and emotional abuse, and he probably has someone else on the side, but it amuses him to watch you grovel at his feet. Stop being his toy.
P.S. Unless you are living with someone who has locked you up and you can't get out, no one can abuse you unless you let them. Get the hell away from this jerk.
P.S. Unless you are living with someone who has locked you up and you can't get out, no one can abuse you unless you let them. Get the hell away from this jerk.
Hanging around with someone like this suggests you have low self-esteem. Obviously he is worthless. Are you afraid of being alone? Do you feel no one can love you? What I am really saying is that, true, this guy is obviously a bum, but you have problems too. For your own health and future happiness you should explore this problem in yourself. He is not important. You are. If you can find the courage, and I hope you do, get rid of him.
He has control over you, and you seem to be allowing it to happen ,he will not change , move on ,plenty of good kind men out there looking for nice women do not demean your self anymore , be done with this useless relationship ...
I think here and on the other forum you have been given some good advice. I am VERY concerned for you. Not because of the boyfriend (who is concerning, don't get me wrong) but because of the pattern that you continue. As expressed, with your past addiction problems, you really need to be careful here. You are not living in a healthy way. You obviously know this man is not good for you and yet you are attached to the idea of loving him . . . in almost a desperate fashion. I'm afraid for you as this is going to lead to a very bad place. I think you should take the advice given and you should seek some professional help. I do not say that out of rudeness . . . I say it out of caring. You are going to spiral downward if you do not seek therapy and address your issues with codependence. I'm just short of begging you to do that to save your own life before it is too late. Please consider it. Okay--------- I'll do it. I'm begging you. I wish you the best of luck catlover.
Am I correct that he thinks you are a "loose" woman or one without "morals"? Have you put your foot down and told him point blank to (in hard terms)...cut the crap!!! Maybe it is time to consider confronting him and saying you want the same chance you are giving him..............that you want acknowledgement that you started a new life with him...the past is the past----over with never to be returned to. You do not want your past to define your future as you have changed!!!!
In having real heart to heart's....you risk the hurt. It still remains your choice as to whether you stay or try a separation to sort things out. The pain of being apart can also stem from the need for the other person, healthy or not (addiction). That is what you need to think over....how you will reach him with the seriousness of how you feel and the respect you want.
No woman wants to be talked to like that unless she thinks so low of herself that she thinks she deserves it or doesn't recognize verbal abuse. You don't need to atone to him for your past. We all make good and bad choices. It is our choice to learn through them. He made some and wants to succeed in spite of it.
Sincerely
In having real heart to heart's....you risk the hurt. It still remains your choice as to whether you stay or try a separation to sort things out. The pain of being apart can also stem from the need for the other person, healthy or not (addiction). That is what you need to think over....how you will reach him with the seriousness of how you feel and the respect you want.
No woman wants to be talked to like that unless she thinks so low of herself that she thinks she deserves it or doesn't recognize verbal abuse. You don't need to atone to him for your past. We all make good and bad choices. It is our choice to learn through them. He made some and wants to succeed in spite of it.
Sincerely
That was a wonderful way of putting it. He has become my judge. There is so much I could judge him over. For example, he is a two time sex offender. I know both stories because of our friendship in high school, but I have never judged him because I always felt that people could not be judged by their past. You have to look at who they are today. His biggest issue with me is that he has deemed me a promiscuous woman (not his words, but if I said them, they would bleep it) because throughout high school and college he was my best friend, so I told him everything. Yes, there were times of druken debotchery, but I was in college. Yes, I cheated on boyfriends, but I was in high school. He seems to think that I could never have changed. That I will always cheat and I deserve no benefit of the doubt. The sad part is that I should have looked at him a long time ago and said that if he thinks that, I am done. That is that. But I love him so much that I am terribly afraid of the pain. Within the last few weeks, we have spent a lot of time apart. The pain of just not being with him was terrible. Then the past few weekeneds, we were broken up. The pain of that was worse. If I know him at all, he will try to spin this situation into something that is so not a big deal. But constantly being accused and asked about and judge on my past is a big deal to me. It just is. It hurts me.
It sounds like he is demeaning you and you will lose more and more of yourself if you let him take it away. Abusers get bigger in their own view by making you smaller. You are your own person and living a life, "walking on egg-shells" is difficult to do...never knowing when the breakage will happen and how much it will hurt.
None of us are perfect & we all have times of saying and doing things that are out of character, but to have someone set themself up as your judge and mete out the punishment or sentence you in ways that belittle you is not good for you. It is your choice whether you want to give him more opportunities to change.
I have found so far in life that the one I can change is myself by my actions/choices.
D.
None of us are perfect & we all have times of saying and doing things that are out of character, but to have someone set themself up as your judge and mete out the punishment or sentence you in ways that belittle you is not good for you. It is your choice whether you want to give him more opportunities to change.
I have found so far in life that the one I can change is myself by my actions/choices.
D.
I know he will never agree to help. He has has some bad trouble with the law in the past, and I know he will not ever go to counceling. He says he is too smart to let someone else psychoanalyze him. He does not think he has a problem. His family just takes the attitude of "When he's in a bad mood, better walk on egg shells" I cannot walk on egg shells enought. Every bad mood gets taken out on me. For example, we were walking out to the car last night after a perfectly great evening. I saw his old man neighbor through his windown and I made "grosse" joke. Like ewwwww. He then asked me if I had gone down on his son when we were in high school. His son and I had sex about nine years ago. I told him I would not dignify his question with an answer. It was ridiculous. None of his busieness. I asked him why he has to ruin a perfectly good night over nothing. He said because I have a big mouth and need to learn when to shut it. Then he slammed the door to my car and walked away.
Thank you for sharing your concerns here.
In my view, what you have said about your boyfriend really concerns me. I don't think he is stable, nor a safe person. It sounds like he has some issues that need to be worked out. Those are not "sweet" caring things to say or hint at.
You are worth more than to be so relieved he contacted you that you wipe out the "before" treatments. You are seeing what is called "red flags". It is a warning to enter at your own risk. One of the sad things about abusers is that they often don't recongnize they do it and if they did, they don't care or are in so deep they don't know how to stop....any scenario means they are not safe while acting that way.
The time to stop and consider any further relationship with this man is now while you are staring at the facts of what has made you uneasy and not feel good about him or yourself. Manipulators try to sweeten the mess by treating you wonderfully so you stay....then it gets worse. The only way it would change is if he would recognize he has a problem and seek help. You have some deep thinking to do about what direction you want to go.
Whatever you decide, I hope for the best outcome for you and for you to be happy :-)
In my view, what you have said about your boyfriend really concerns me. I don't think he is stable, nor a safe person. It sounds like he has some issues that need to be worked out. Those are not "sweet" caring things to say or hint at.
You are worth more than to be so relieved he contacted you that you wipe out the "before" treatments. You are seeing what is called "red flags". It is a warning to enter at your own risk. One of the sad things about abusers is that they often don't recongnize they do it and if they did, they don't care or are in so deep they don't know how to stop....any scenario means they are not safe while acting that way.
The time to stop and consider any further relationship with this man is now while you are staring at the facts of what has made you uneasy and not feel good about him or yourself. Manipulators try to sweeten the mess by treating you wonderfully so you stay....then it gets worse. The only way it would change is if he would recognize he has a problem and seek help. You have some deep thinking to do about what direction you want to go.
Whatever you decide, I hope for the best outcome for you and for you to be happy :-)
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