Opinions please

I am still in the same house as my abuser. But do i hate him forever or maintain the family relationship that i missed out on?

[narla]

That is a question only you can answer,As you know I was abused by my brother we had a family relationship until all the memories came back,I have chosen to have nothing to do with him,I've always said if he would admit,explain why and apologise I might have been able to have a relationship with him but since all he said was he can't remember I want nothing to do with him.It's hard but the choice is yours you have to live with whatever decision you make.You still live in the same house as him don't you,which makes your decision even harder to make.  

[margypops]

As you have these feelings I think you would be beter to find a place of your own when you can, a fresh start, its hard to move on when they are constantly around that person, Good Luck

[Sarah1013]

I would like to add to what margy said. If you cant get a place of your own there are places that will help you and it will be completely confidential nobody will be able to find you unless you want them to.

[jo929]

there are shelters you can go to if you want to, but as narla said that is your decision to make, also these shelters will provide an education for you, as i see you are only 17 help is just a phone call away, and plese let me say that i am sorry that you have had to put up with this, is there no way to turn him in   good luck  jo also do not let this ruin your life get some help while you are young, that is if you feel you need it, i am always around  jo

[kathy434]

Hi 92,
It's me again.  How are you doing?
It is near impossible to start your healing process when you have to relate as family with your brother on a daily basis, and everybody, living at home.  Is it possible that you can opt to live with an aunt or grandparents or a girlfriend and her family?  As stated above, you can also seek out shelters.  It is OK to explore all these avenues on your own.  You, and only you, are your best friend.  Would you help you best friend?

Again, your parents need to be informed of your situation.  It is their job to protect you from your brother as well as give you the help you need for healing.  They are your parents, not your children.  You need also to know where you stand in your family, so you know whether your parents are approachable with further discussion or not.  Your mother deals with her issues through drugs.  Is this good for you?  You have not felt you could even talk to her about this before.  And you may need to rally up your Dad and your relationship to a better communication level.  If he knows you need help but remains unavailable to you then atleast you know what you are dealing with.  Remaining in the dark is unproductive.  Take these chances.  Know what you have to work with.  Give them some credit, unless they fail to support and help you.  You will never know until you put yourself out there before them.  Your brother doesn't deserve your loyalty and secrecy.  He has already earned your hatred.  Keep posting here.    K

[teko]

U forgive him. ( By doing this, they lose any and all power over you and you free up God being able to intervene on your behalf). Then let the healing begin. You do not have to allow this to ruin you or your family. Let go, Let god. In order to heal, you must forgive. You do this for you, not them.

[narla]

Forgiving might be alright for some I'm 47 and have only just learnt how to forgive my brother,but I still don't want to talk with him or have a family relationship with him.I've forgiven him to help with my healing process.This girl is young and needs all the counselling she can get before she thinks about forgiveness she needs to deal with all her emotions and feelings that must come first.She is the most important person here.anonymous92 if you want to talk to me again just send a message like last time.

[AmberMarie86]

In my opinion, you don't start healing until you let go of the hate but that doesn't mean you have to subject yourself to living in the same house as that person. I think it would be much harder to deal with your emotions & try to forgive when the person is with you every single day. I'd move and obviously if you even have to ask this question then you already have doubt about living with that person. Pay attention to your gut instint.

[bren969]

I dont feel people need to forgive, i  will never forgive, you just have to learn to move forward. If the people or person accept responsability then forgiveness may be possible but if they dont then its not possible to forgive them.

[Sarah1013]

I agree with a lot of the other people on here about forgiveness. I believe forgiveness is possible under the right circumstances but not neccessary. I can't forgive my ex for all he put me through and I dont believe I ever will. I would be lying to say I could forgive him. I've just learned to get over it and let the past be the past. I think that takes time and distance though.

[teko]

Until you forgive, you cannot heal. They still have power over you emotionally. Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. Forgiveness helps the victim, that is why it is so important. I still have a relationship with my brother, his wife and kids that are all grown up now. I am 57. It is not the end of the world unless you allow it to be. I do agree that counseling is needed tho.

[bren969]

Everybody has their own views on whether they feel the need to forgive or not and i respect your views on believing that this is right for you. Im 47 and i will never forgive my family for ptting me though what  they did when i was a child. Ive been in therapy for 3 years and i have never been encouraged by my therapist to forgive them because it needs to be my own choice, and i do have a choice in life now unlike when i was a child.

[teko]

Yes, you have a choice to remain bitter and unhappy. I chose to forgive and move on. You are absolutely right when you say we all have a choice. Even better that we are both happy with our decision. Cheers

[Sarah1013]

I havn't forgiven my abuser and I can honestly say Im not at all bitter or unhappy. Different strokes for different folks. Im glad you were able to forgive, but youre in your shoes and no one else's.

[bren969]

Im not bitter and im not unhappy, you dont know me so how can you say i feel this way. This is sometimes why people find it hard to move on from a trauma because they are told that they should forgive or they should be doing this or that rather helping them to use their own mind, with help from a therapist to do what they feel is right for them, not anybody else, but them.
This site is not for me, ive never met so many people who are determined to bring people down.

[narla]

Don't blame the site you just need to learn like me to ignore some comments from people.It's people like you we need to talk to others asking for help so they can get some balance in the replies otherwise they'll only get the negatives.Please don't stop replying and giving your opinion.  Denise

[bren969]

Im sorry i blamed the site Denise it wasn't intentional. I really detest it when people say that people shouldn't feel the way they do just because that person doesnt  feel the same way. I came on this site because being in therapy  has taught me that how i feel is ok, and it doesn't matter that other people dont feel the same. I thought it might help other people to realise that our thoughts and feelings are individual.
Its like telling somebody that has been bereaved that, i got over it in 3 months so you should to, or i know how you feel, because they don't know how you feel. I know their intentions are good but i wish people would think more before they reply.

[narla]

I totally agree I have had an ongoing "discussion" with someone called allmymarbles
she just gets me so frustrated because to her everything is black or white,basically she has written that people who have been abused are looking for pity if they write in,

[bren969]

I know you have Denise, Ive been following it. I understand that people like that are basically talking rubbish. I am in therapy and i have been told that how i feel is ok. I now understand my feelings and i know its ok to feel the way i do. But what worries  me the most is the people that come on here and express themselves for the first time, they may get a response that might leave them feeling so bad about themselves. I don't want to keep having a discussion with people about how they shouldn't make people feel that way. If i dont understand how people feel then i don't reply. But like you say, theres only a few bad apples. Im going to get some stick here!!!!

[kathy434]

Everybody deals with their abuse in their own way and in their own time.  What works for one may not be what works for another.  This idea of forgiveness and moving on in life negates the fact that the victim is hurting, angry, ashamed, embarrassed, and feels very guilty about being abused.  These are all issues that need to be dealt with personally with the help of a therapist, BEFORE, dealing with the choice of forgiving or not.
My brothers treatments of me lasted from babyhood into adulthood and the results have been severe.  I spent a lot of time in therapy trying to put together who I really am.  My knowledge that both brothers have not changed made it easier for me to drop them out of my life.  I have not forgiven them for I am still paying the piper for what they did to me.  But for them, I feel nothing.  I love them not, nor do I have any desire to have a relationship with them again in my future.
So everybody has their own time frame to heal, and if they wish and can forgive their abusers, that is OK for them.  But if they cannot find it in them to forgive, that is OK too.  Life moves ahead either way.  It is not up to anybody to tell a victim how they are to heal.  Each has to find their own way.                      K

[teko]

I guess I should have added the words IMO, in my post. After all, we all do have one yes? So I shall add that to my post therefore, no need to get postal just because someone disagrees or has a different view. I am sure the poster will take what helps her and leave the rest anyways, right? Mine I realize is not a popular way of handling things in todays world. So, I shall add, to each his own and what works for you, and this is my view only and I am not a doctor, shrink etc, just another lowly survivor in a rough world. There, all better now? Never meant to offend.

[allmymarbles]

I can't tell from your question if you are still being abused by this man, or merely living in the same house with him.

[anonymous92]

About the shelters and moving out. To move out i would have to give an explaination to my parents, which i dont think im ready for. Also moving wouldnt be good with college etc. Id rather face him everyday than ruin something which i am good at and enjoy. I dont know what to do

[margypops]

You know some people do see everything in black and white I have lived with a Dh like that, it is frustrating but sometimes he is telling it as it is and I try. to listen even if I dont agree with him.I have learned one thing in life ..its about Dilemmas', yuck how I hate them ,but one has to make a decision and stick with it right or wrong....I think you are facing one ...

[jo929]

Of course you will have to do as you think best, and what you think is best for you, but please remember that everyone that has answered has your best interests at heart, and are only trying to help the best way they know how, all answers are important, because they cared enough to answer so sift throigh these answers, and decide just which is best for you and remember no 2 people really think alike, and that may be a good thing, the ole saying 2 heads are better than one, also if an answer offends you they do not mean too,i really do not think we have the right to judge someone elses answer, but then there are some that feel they are right, and that is it, i wish you luck with your life, and i think a counseler may be able to help you cope, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and know what you want so your future is before you make it a good one  luck  jo remember i am always around  and we all care

[kathy434]

You have been dealing with exactly the same issues for a long time, yet you are paralyzed to make a move in your own behalf.  Ask yourself why you are still in the very same spot you have been in for many months.  You are the only one who can motivate yourself, to take some kind of action.  Answer yourself honestly.  Why cannot you tell your parents about your brother's abusing you?  Are you afraid they won't believe you?  This may be true, if they have their heads in the sand.  But at least you will know what you have to work with.  You will also have given them notice as to why you are moving elsewhere.  Is your brother still threatening you?  This needs to be exposed to your parents so they can take action against his behavior.  You will remain a victim until you make some move in your behalf.  Then you will be a survivor.
As I said, your parents are not little children who cannot handle reality.  What happened to you was not your fault, and you don't deserve to maintain the family picture of perfection.  No family is perfect.  Being this perfect family still leaves you anything but safe; physically, mentally,  psychologically and emotionally.What is it about your mother, and your father, that you are afraid that they cannot handle the truth?  You need to think about this.  Why are you so intent on protecting your parents?       K

[anonymous92]

I just couldnt do anything to hurt them, they have giving me everything.

[Sarah1013]

If you left Im sure they would work with you so you could still go to your college.

And im like kathy, I want to know why you cant tell your parents? This is a big thing going on and if you dont stop it your abuser could move on to someone else as well. So if you dont do it for yourself maybe you could do it so no one else will have to go through what youre going through. just a thought.

[teko]

As your parents, they would want to know that you trust them enough to come to them about anything. The other person needs help as much as you do and if no one knows what is going on, they cannot help. I think you are afraid of them rejecting you or looking down on you somehow? Yes, they will be shocked and hurt, but not because of anything you did. Yes they will feel a sense of shame that this has happened under their roof and did not notice anything out of the ordinary. I also think you may be dealing with mixed emotions of love and hate because it is a family member. You just want it to stop and life be normal. This is more prevalent that you think it is. If you were my daughter, I would want to know. Ultimately it is your decision and I understand how hard this is for you to face. It really only matters what you feel about it and what you feel you can live with. Whatever you decide, I hope all works out well and you get the help you need.

[Angelinthemorning]

I don't know your whole entire situation...I know exactly what it's like feeling trapped in the situation your in.  I was abused by a parent and everyday sat in confusion over how to get out.  When your still in school and reliant on parents for help it's hard to face them with anything of opposition...especially if you have no idea how they'll react.  First and foremost start some type of counseling.  There's so much to work on after being in an abusive situation...self-worth gets lost somewhere along the way and you have to get it back.  It took me 10 years to confront my abuser and although I would like to tell you my family situation has improved sadly, I must say, I no longer speak with them.  However, I don't want to!!  I finally realized it wasn't my fault, and it's not my responsibility to make the rest of the family feel all rosy and happy.  You have to do what makes you happy. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHERS ACTIONS OR FEELINGS, YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOUR OWN.  Hang in there.  I sincerely hope you find the courage you need to get out of the situation.  It can be done, and you will survive.

[RachelVaughn]

Wow a lot of argument on here! People this is an opinion forum. Lets heal and not be a victim anymore! I too lived with my abused for several years, and now I live in the same area with him. He is still married to my mother. I do what I can to keep the peace. But everyone is different. Some relationships may not matter if you had to cut them off, mine does. My mom is my best friend and sadly she would side with him over me. Knowing that, for now I just keep the peace. I dont talk to him that much and I keep my distance. You know whats right in your heart.

[kathy434]

92,

You are not the one to hurt your parents.  Your brother is.  You are his victim and you need your parents to support you with this.  You may have been given everything, but things don't mean you must pay back with silence. K
I am going to be away from here for awhile.  I wish you and all of you peace and good travels through your healing processes.             K

[margypops]

I dont see this as an argument forum and yes it is about opinions and support , debate , how come some immediatly feel is arguing when another member has a differant perspective , this is how we find answers by talking ...surely ..its certainly not from Not talking and in denial, I didnt see any personal attacks ....

[margypops]

PS  The title of this thread is 'Opinions Please' ..........if anyone feels threatened by that dont come and join in ...