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885259 tn?1266270075

Opinions please

I am still in the same house as my abuser. But do i hate him forever or maintain the family relationship that i missed out on?
34 Responses
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535822 tn?1443976780
PS  The title of this thread is 'Opinions Please' ..........if anyone feels threatened by that dont come and join in ...
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535822 tn?1443976780
I dont see this as an argument forum and yes it is about opinions and support , debate , how come some immediatly feel is arguing when another member has a differant perspective , this is how we find answers by talking ...surely ..its certainly not from Not talking and in denial, I didnt see any personal attacks ....
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Avatar universal
92,

You are not the one to hurt your parents.  Your brother is.  You are his victim and you need your parents to support you with this.  You may have been given everything, but things don't mean you must pay back with silence. K
I am going to be away from here for awhile.  I wish you and all of you peace and good travels through your healing processes.             K
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Avatar universal
Wow a lot of argument on here! People this is an opinion forum. Lets heal and not be a victim anymore! I too lived with my abused for several years, and now I live in the same area with him. He is still married to my mother. I do what I can to keep the peace. But everyone is different. Some relationships may not matter if you had to cut them off, mine does. My mom is my best friend and sadly she would side with him over me. Knowing that, for now I just keep the peace. I dont talk to him that much and I keep my distance. You know whats right in your heart.
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750172 tn?1256147076
I don't know your whole entire situation...I know exactly what it's like feeling trapped in the situation your in.  I was abused by a parent and everyday sat in confusion over how to get out.  When your still in school and reliant on parents for help it's hard to face them with anything of opposition...especially if you have no idea how they'll react.  First and foremost start some type of counseling.  There's so much to work on after being in an abusive situation...self-worth gets lost somewhere along the way and you have to get it back.  It took me 10 years to confront my abuser and although I would like to tell you my family situation has improved sadly, I must say, I no longer speak with them.  However, I don't want to!!  I finally realized it wasn't my fault, and it's not my responsibility to make the rest of the family feel all rosy and happy.  You have to do what makes you happy. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHERS ACTIONS OR FEELINGS, YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOUR OWN.  Hang in there.  I sincerely hope you find the courage you need to get out of the situation.  It can be done, and you will survive.
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Avatar universal
As your parents, they would want to know that you trust them enough to come to them about anything. The other person needs help as much as you do and if no one knows what is going on, they cannot help. I think you are afraid of them rejecting you or looking down on you somehow? Yes, they will be shocked and hurt, but not because of anything you did. Yes they will feel a sense of shame that this has happened under their roof and did not notice anything out of the ordinary. I also think you may be dealing with mixed emotions of love and hate because it is a family member. You just want it to stop and life be normal. This is more prevalent that you think it is. If you were my daughter, I would want to know. Ultimately it is your decision and I understand how hard this is for you to face. It really only matters what you feel about it and what you feel you can live with. Whatever you decide, I hope all works out well and you get the help you need.
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1072551 tn?1258203266
If you left Im sure they would work with you so you could still go to your college.

And im like kathy, I want to know why you cant tell your parents? This is a big thing going on and if you dont stop it your abuser could move on to someone else as well. So if you dont do it for yourself maybe you could do it so no one else will have to go through what youre going through. just a thought.

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885259 tn?1266270075
I just couldnt do anything to hurt them, they have giving me everything.
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Avatar universal
You have been dealing with exactly the same issues for a long time, yet you are paralyzed to make a move in your own behalf.  Ask yourself why you are still in the very same spot you have been in for many months.  You are the only one who can motivate yourself, to take some kind of action.  Answer yourself honestly.  Why cannot you tell your parents about your brother's abusing you?  Are you afraid they won't believe you?  This may be true, if they have their heads in the sand.  But at least you will know what you have to work with.  You will also have given them notice as to why you are moving elsewhere.  Is your brother still threatening you?  This needs to be exposed to your parents so they can take action against his behavior.  You will remain a victim until you make some move in your behalf.  Then you will be a survivor.
As I said, your parents are not little children who cannot handle reality.  What happened to you was not your fault, and you don't deserve to maintain the family picture of perfection.  No family is perfect.  Being this perfect family still leaves you anything but safe; physically, mentally,  psychologically and emotionally.What is it about your mother, and your father, that you are afraid that they cannot handle the truth?  You need to think about this.  Why are you so intent on protecting your parents?       K
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Avatar universal
Of course you will have to do as you think best, and what you think is best for you, but please remember that everyone that has answered has your best interests at heart, and are only trying to help the best way they know how, all answers are important, because they cared enough to answer so sift throigh these answers, and decide just which is best for you and remember no 2 people really think alike, and that may be a good thing, the ole saying 2 heads are better than one, also if an answer offends you they do not mean too,i really do not think we have the right to judge someone elses answer, but then there are some that feel they are right, and that is it, i wish you luck with your life, and i think a counseler may be able to help you cope, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and know what you want so your future is before you make it a good one  luck  jo remember i am always around  and we all care
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535822 tn?1443976780
You know some people do see everything in black and white I have lived with a Dh like that, it is frustrating but sometimes he is telling it as it is and I try. to listen even if I dont agree with him.I have learned one thing in life ..its about Dilemmas', yuck how I hate them ,but one has to make a decision and stick with it right or wrong....I think you are facing one ...
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885259 tn?1266270075
About the shelters and moving out. To move out i would have to give an explaination to my parents, which i dont think im ready for. Also moving wouldnt be good with college etc. Id rather face him everyday than ruin something which i am good at and enjoy. I dont know what to do
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757137 tn?1347196453
I can't tell from your question if you are still being abused by this man, or merely living in the same house with him.
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Avatar universal
I guess I should have added the words IMO, in my post. After all, we all do have one yes? So I shall add that to my post therefore, no need to get postal just because someone disagrees or has a different view. I am sure the poster will take what helps her and leave the rest anyways, right? Mine I realize is not a popular way of handling things in todays world. So, I shall add, to each his own and what works for you, and this is my view only and I am not a doctor, shrink etc, just another lowly survivor in a rough world. There, all better now? Never meant to offend.
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Avatar universal
Everybody deals with their abuse in their own way and in their own time.  What works for one may not be what works for another.  This idea of forgiveness and moving on in life negates the fact that the victim is hurting, angry, ashamed, embarrassed, and feels very guilty about being abused.  These are all issues that need to be dealt with personally with the help of a therapist, BEFORE, dealing with the choice of forgiving or not.
My brothers treatments of me lasted from babyhood into adulthood and the results have been severe.  I spent a lot of time in therapy trying to put together who I really am.  My knowledge that both brothers have not changed made it easier for me to drop them out of my life.  I have not forgiven them for I am still paying the piper for what they did to me.  But for them, I feel nothing.  I love them not, nor do I have any desire to have a relationship with them again in my future.
So everybody has their own time frame to heal, and if they wish and can forgive their abusers, that is OK for them.  But if they cannot find it in them to forgive, that is OK too.  Life moves ahead either way.  It is not up to anybody to tell a victim how they are to heal.  Each has to find their own way.                      K
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Avatar universal
I know you have Denise, Ive been following it. I understand that people like that are basically talking rubbish. I am in therapy and i have been told that how i feel is ok. I now understand my feelings and i know its ok to feel the way i do. But what worries  me the most is the people that come on here and express themselves for the first time, they may get a response that might leave them feeling so bad about themselves. I don't want to keep having a discussion with people about how they shouldn't make people feel that way. If i dont understand how people feel then i don't reply. But like you say, theres only a few bad apples. Im going to get some stick here!!!!
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1032715 tn?1315984234
I totally agree I have had an ongoing "discussion" with someone called allmymarbles
she just gets me so frustrated because to her everything is black or white,basically she has written that people who have been abused are looking for pity if they write in,
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Avatar universal
Im sorry i blamed the site Denise it wasn't intentional. I really detest it when people say that people shouldn't feel the way they do just because that person doesnt  feel the same way. I came on this site because being in therapy  has taught me that how i feel is ok, and it doesn't matter that other people dont feel the same. I thought it might help other people to realise that our thoughts and feelings are individual.
Its like telling somebody that has been bereaved that, i got over it in 3 months so you should to, or i know how you feel, because they don't know how you feel. I know their intentions are good but i wish people would think more before they reply.
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1032715 tn?1315984234
Don't blame the site you just need to learn like me to ignore some comments from people.It's people like you we need to talk to others asking for help so they can get some balance in the replies otherwise they'll only get the negatives.Please don't stop replying and giving your opinion.  Denise
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Avatar universal
Im not bitter and im not unhappy, you dont know me so how can you say i feel this way. This is sometimes why people find it hard to move on from a trauma because they are told that they should forgive or they should be doing this or that rather helping them to use their own mind, with help from a therapist to do what they feel is right for them, not anybody else, but them.
This site is not for me, ive never met so many people who are determined to bring people down.
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1072551 tn?1258203266
I havn't forgiven my abuser and I can honestly say Im not at all bitter or unhappy. Different strokes for different folks. Im glad you were able to forgive, but youre in your shoes and no one else's.
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Avatar universal
Yes, you have a choice to remain bitter and unhappy. I chose to forgive and move on. You are absolutely right when you say we all have a choice. Even better that we are both happy with our decision. Cheers
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Avatar universal
Everybody has their own views on whether they feel the need to forgive or not and i respect your views on believing that this is right for you. Im 47 and i will never forgive my family for ptting me though what  they did when i was a child. Ive been in therapy for 3 years and i have never been encouraged by my therapist to forgive them because it needs to be my own choice, and i do have a choice in life now unlike when i was a child.
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Avatar universal
Until you forgive, you cannot heal. They still have power over you emotionally. Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. Forgiveness helps the victim, that is why it is so important. I still have a relationship with my brother, his wife and kids that are all grown up now. I am 57. It is not the end of the world unless you allow it to be. I do agree that counseling is needed tho.
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