Psychological effects of childhood sexuality?

[velu1996]

I am now 20 years age.I had a pretty disturbing childhood experience.
age 7 - abuse by elder brother(age13)
age 9- i kissed my neighbor girl(age4) inside a blanket(no sexual)(curiousity)
age 10-15 heavily masturbated with porn.....
age 15 ....i usually sleep with father as a child,he took me on his chest usually....but this time(at age 15) i was aroused,fear,anxious and i ejaculated.....Then i used to rub my penis on his butt while he is sleeping and masturbate....now i really don't know why i did like that ....whether out of curiosity or sexual agression?I just feel guilty of all my childhood..I fell like no life anymore...

[Willow427]

I too suffer from past experiences and traumas, please add me if you like. I'd love to open up to about my past too. Maybe we can help each other

[clement4now]

Hi Velu,

You're welcome :) I hope that you look into the support group information that I sent you. Don't ever give up on yourself; you aren't a horrible person because of your personal problems.  Although I know it isn't easy, you must try not to define yourself by your past experiences. Since you are unable to get help locally (where you live), I think that you might find the online support groups extremely helpful; it allows victims of abuse to share their stories and vent their emotions...

[velu1996]

Thank You very much for your reply....I tried to make my mind to believe that everything happened because of past abuse.But still those memories will come again and again and disturb me.And i have no friends to share nor my parents to share it.We don't have psychologists in our area..I am from Tamil Nadu,India.No family in my area has such bizarre complex problems in their life.I always felt i am the most unhappiest person,most disgusting,most idiotic person in my life.Wherever i go i have anxiety,ego problems,and all other psychological and emotional issues at times i even thought of suicide but i know somehow it can be solved and waiting for it.Anyways thanks for your reply.Now i feel much better.

[clement4now]

typo: *It's not uncommon for survivors of sexual abuse*...

[clement4now]

Hi,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Have you ever considered speaking with a therapist or counselor who specializes in treating people for past sexual abuse? I understand that you feel guilt because of your past, but you must understand that it was not your fault; you were a innocent child.  Later, as a teenager, you may have been acting out from past abuse, plus dealing with increasing hormone changes and sexual drive...

I's not uncommon for survivors of sexual abuse, especially if their abuser was of the same sex, to feel 'sexual orientation confusion'.  Often survivors of abuse, don't realize that their current problems in life might very well stem from past abuse issues.  If you've ever felt depressed, anxiety, or hopelessness, all of these could be directly linked to your past abuse. So, I suggest seeking advice and treatment from a professional, such as an Abuse Counselor, or Sexual Abuse Therapist. Seeking professional help can allow you to talk about your past (and present), and help you work through guilt and any lingering pain. It's a way to get support, and learn coping skills that will improve your life...

Unfortunately, we can't change the past, but we can change our present and future :)  You deserve to feel happy and healthy in life, that's why I suggest following through with getting professional help...I'm sending you some information via private message; please check your inbox soon.

Take Care