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1696489 tn?1370821974

Question of general opinion, topic: abuse

What do you think is the best and safest way for someone to get away from a dangerously abusive partner?  Does it matter if the person being abused is male or female?  What if there are children involved?  What if the victim is too frightened by threats to leave?  Do you think that couples counseling can help abusive relationships?  Do you think that removal of children from abusive homes by Social Services should place the children with a family member (who may allow parents to see the children out of pity), or a foster home where they will be in the safest possible environment?  Let's discuss these issues on an open conversation basis.  If there is an issue that I have not mentioned that you would like to discuss, feel free.  The point of this is to put out information for victims who may read it and find help from it, or hopefully, chime in.  Blessings - Blu
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Avatar universal
That is a tricky question. Drugs are drugs I KNOW but I was addicted to prescription pain medication and can honestly say I have always taken care of my children. Truth is if you're addicted to anything your not giving 100% of your self to anyone....
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973741 tn?1342342773
Blu, these could end up being some touchy subjects for people.  

People that have addiction problems are sick.  They are not intentionally abusing their children but may end up neglecting them which by law is a form of abuse.

But I feel for those with addiction problems.  

I realize we are just 'chatting' about these things but do know it is easy to strike a nerve with people and we want to tread lightly with that.  

Luck to all in unfortunate circumstances.  
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1696489 tn?1370821974
What about parents who do drugs?  Would it be considered abuse to not actually abuse your kids but to be on drugs all the time?
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1696489 tn?1370821974
Well, Silly Geese (all of you. lol), My intention here was not to discuss everything at once, just whatever we had something to say about.  I agree with Life360 that men in abusive situations just get swept under the rug, ignored, not believed if they tell.  It IS real and it IS awful, and there should be a way for abused men to be taken seriously.
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3149845 tn?1506627771
To get back to one of Blues topics, does  it matter if its a man or woman, Many, many men are abused also which seems not to be an issue here. Ok we can say that physical abuse is the issue, and i agree it is important, but the psychological abuse can also be heart wrenching.
I believe deep in my heart one of the reasons men die earlier then women is due to this.
Sure we can shrug this off and say poo poo poor lazy men but its real, agonizing and misunderstood.
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973741 tn?1342342773
roysgirl, it's really hard, I agree.  And sometimes women find themselves in this situation because of things they saw and witnessed as children.  They live out a pattern that their mother had and things like that.  

You are very right.  Sometimes someone doesn't have any support.  I hate to hear when this is the case.  I can only hope and pray that women (or men) in that situation find a way out.  

The situation with a lot of abused women is that the pattern is so engrained that leaving is hard for them or they literally have no means of supporting themselves (so they think) financially as money has been so controlled by their partner or they are afraid to leave.  Lots of reasons why women don't leave until they are darn good and ready.  I don't know that you can make anyone leave until they decide to do so themselves.  

I don't think any woman enjoys abuse but I do think that many women subconsciously seek the thing their psyche is familiar with. You find many abused people had abusive childhoods.  They saw it.  Now they live it themselves.  It is familiar to the subconscious.  That is why counseling is so important because the pattern can really repeat unless some work to understand why a woman stayed the first time it happened needs to be done.

That is core to truly healing.  Knowing that MOST woman would take one slap and break it off with a person is important for soul searching for why another women didn't leave in the early stages as the abusive personality was reveled.  

I don't think if a woman is abused, she should have her kids taken.  But If I were that women, I would fight to terminate the rights of the abusive partner because out of my sight, I'd be afraid of what he'd do to my kids.  (some women stay for that reason alone----  because if they don't, their partner will be alone with the kids and that sounds dangerous to them).   If a couple is volatile and both fight each other, I think they have not made a peaceful home for the kids and CPS should require counseling in order to retain custody.  Anger management type of classes.  

Anyway, this all goes back to my original statement---  this subject is VERY complex and much to much for simple answers or trying to put everything into a neat conclusion.  Each situation is unique and should be treated as such.  luck to all and hope no one ever has to suffer abuse.  peace
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Avatar universal
And what about when the woman has no "supportive family?"
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Avatar universal
Listen, honestly do not want to argue but I have to speak up here. When you are an abused woman, only then can you understand how truly devastating that experience is. I've never seen ANY woman volunteer to be the punching bag but some how IT HAPPENS...Should a woman lose her children because she has been mistreated?? If u know enough to know the woman is abused then u also know enough to HELP HER. A woman doesn't STAY in the situation because she ENJOYS it...
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3149845 tn?1506627771
I agree with Mom, each of these could be a topic itself and by lumping them together looses the clarity and detail that each needs. What about how did abuse all start in the first place. Was it a slow process left unchallanged due to compromise that got out of control or was the person attracted to the dominate personality  and did not realize the monster that was being created. As Macuvelli said, " power corrupts and absolute power absolutely corrupts".
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973741 tn?1342342773
I think the best way to get away is through careful planning.  Reaching out to supportive family is essential as well.  And following it all up with counseling when one can do it to make sure the pattern doesn't repeat is important.  Sometimes it takes some time to get to the point of being able to do the counseling but that part of healing shouldn't be ignored.  

When you talk about abusive homes, you don't specify if the parents are abusing each other or the kids or the kids as well.  I do think that parents should have visitation with their kids if they didn't harm them.  

??
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973741 tn?1342342773
I think the subject is quite complicated.  And all situations are unique so it is hard to lump everything so neatly into conclusions.  

Very sad for any woman to be in an abusive situation.  peace to all
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Avatar universal
You are getting deep Blu. Lol. Unfortunately I feel like alot of homeless women and children are so due to abuse. They run and have nowhere to turn and no one to help. I believe in paying it forward and 6 degrees of separation. The world would be a better place if we ALL did just a little bit more each day to pay attention to the needs of others and help in whatever way we could. In this economy ALOT of folks are one paycheck away from being homeless.
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1696489 tn?1370821974
I hear you, Roys (I keep wanting to call you 'Rosy', lol).  I have a new topic: what about homeless parents?  Not the ones who live with friends or parents.  The ones who are actually on the streets with their children?  What do you think is the best way for society to handle them?  Should they be separated from their children, or allowed to stay together?  IS HOMELESSNESS CONSIDERED ABUSE?
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Avatar universal
That is just really sad. I know the fear and pain but no child ever should. My kids are happy, healthy and all is GREAT ...now
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1696489 tn?1370821974
I think that the words IM SORRY are stupid in some cases, as you wouldn't have to apologize for something if you hadn't done it in the first place.  Wow, Roysgirl, you mentioned the 'looking back' in fear... I almost forgot that I did it, too, and it is excruciatingly (God, that is a hard word to type!) difficult to stop doing it, keeping your back to the wall, being in a corner even better.  I like corners to this day.  They feel safe to me.  As I sit here in my favorite spot, I am in a corner... sometimes I don't even realize I do it.  I think that kids who have been in abusive situations, even if not abused themselves, should be placed into pediatric abuse counseling.  I know of a 5 year old girl who can tell you how to make meth.  She is safe now, but how do you get something like that out of a kid's head???
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Avatar universal
I've been in that situation... I was scared to do anything until one day I got my kids and left in the middle of the night. I was looking over my shoulder for months afterward. Looking back I realize that the FEAR had me paralyzed. Even if the kids are not being abused they are not dumb and they see the bruises, hear the yelling, etc... My opinion is GET AWAY as soon and as fast as possible. Think with your head and not your heart. IM SORRY only lasts until the next time...
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3149845 tn?1506627771
Its a fact of war that the best defense is a good offense. Though overwhelmed by numbers, knowing the enemies weakness and playing on those proves victory. And from some of things ive seen abuse do, its no less than a war time setting.
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134578 tn?1693250592
My thought on the first question is to get out any way they can, if the partner is dangerously abusive.  Even getting out with only the clothing on one's back, is still getting out alive.  Doesn't matter if the person being abused is male or female.  When it comes down to it, people often look back and realize that things they thought were important to try to preserve were not worth the time it took them to leave and save their life and sanity.  

A lot of women in particular stay in abusive relationships because if the man is venting his abuse on the woman he will leave the kids alone, and she thinks (or knows) that if she leaves, the kids will be in peril.  If someone is in that place, I would recommend very secretively making a plan to leave (squirrelling away money and a few small valuables somewhere the husband does not know about them, etc.) and (especially) finding a way to get enough evidence about the man that he will not be given the kids in a court fight.

I have no opinion about the family member who might let the kids see the parent versus a foster home.  If the system worked perfectly, either option would be OK, the family members would hold the line and protect the child, and the foster parents would be Ward and June Cleaver.   But the system doesn't work perfectly and either option could be bad.  Or good.
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