Honestly, a big part of why it's so hard to make this decision, is because Hubby has been encouraging me to get to know my dad.. And at the same time, he doesn't think I should say anything to my dad about what happened..
Fiancé and his dad stopped contact when his dad remarried and his wife pushed fiancé and his brother away.. Then years later, his dad suddenly passed away.. My fiancé has always regretted that he hadn't seen his dad in years.. So that's a BIG part of why he is pressuring me like this..
I tried bringing up the points you guys have been saying, and trying to explain that I just don't feel welcome, or comfortable.. I don't think he really "gets" it.
Honey, hate to say it but your dad is not good grandpa material if he is drinking, and if you are always feeling slighted for the sake of your child. You can develop a good community of friends that includes older people if you look around, and that might be the best way to find ones without big problems.
We have several other close male friends as well that don't have an official title, that he's bonded with really well with too. So your right, he does have "positive" male influences. Though the only person who's old enough to consider for a "grandpa" title, is fiancés best friend, who already has the "uncle" title lol.
Annie-my fiancés dad passed away about 12 years ago. His Mom and my mom both have partners, but neither of them fit the "grandpa" role. Fiancés step-dad was abusive to him, and refuses to be called "grandpa" anyways.. My moms partner at least calls himself "grandpa", but he's very controlling towards my mom and has been trying to prevent her from having a relationship with my son.
My dad seems to be a really loving/caring grandpa to all his other grandkids, except my son. They haven't "bonded" the way he has with his other grandkids, that's what really hurts I think..
As for uncles, he does have 3 that love/care for him, though bonding has been slow with them too, due to not seeing them often enough. My fiancés best friend stays with us on weekends, and has a really tight bond with him though :) he's been given the title "uncle".
And on your fiance's side, there is no non-substance-abusing man who could fill an honorary place in your child's life? You don't have any nice uncles? Trying to re-make a heavy drinker into an idealized grandpa sounds like trying to roll a boulder uphill, even without the painful emotional baggage of the rape by his son. Why pick him when there are probably other, much more together, people in the family or in your circle of friends?
My father wasn't/isn't a stoner, BUT was (and maybe still is, who knows) a VERY heavy drinker.. So your right, is it really worth the effort to try?
The reason I'd like to patch things up with my Dad, is mainly because both my Grandpas are VERY important people in my life, whom I love very very much, and my Dad is really my sons only real chance to have that. My one remaining grandpa is 86, and has just had successful surgery for cancer :) but at his age, at best he's only going to be with us a few years more. So trying to patch things with my dad, isn't so much transference of affection, I would like to have him in my life for ME, but I also would like my son to have a grandpa :)
Your right though, WILL I ever find what I'm looking for in him? I don't know. I do know that right now, it isn't working out the way I'd like, when there's an elephant in the room. My fiancé is encouraging me to NOT say anything to my Dad.
Thank-you for your comments, this has really helped me look deeper within myself.. Honestly the reason I didn't say anything in the first place didn't have anything to do with family unity, I simply repressed the memory.. Then one day about 5 years after the incident, it came flooding back.. That's when I told my fiancé about it.. Before the memories came back, I honestly didn't understand myself WHY I would not go see my father... And WHY I felt so DIRTY.. Like I wasn't worthy of my fiancé (as we were dating at the time of the incident).
But you are right.. The sole reason I haven't said anything to my dad, since I started trying to have a relationship with him, is because I'm afraid that saying something will destroy the entire family, and I will be outcasted
You were raped but in the name of family unity you didn't report it to the police, that's bad. You now want more family unity and guess what, you were raped and it's still bad.
I'm not going to tell you that you should go to the police, but I do think you should go to a therapist to work out what is important to you about having this man be a grandpa to your child. I think it might not be as important as standing up for the 16-year-old who got raped and didn't know what to do about it. Maybe the therapist and you will come to some other way of thinking about it, but I would not give away my outrage at being victimized by an ineffectual absent stoner father and predatory stoner half-brother, for the half-hearted hope that the former stoner father will suddenly become Grandpa of the Year to your child.
My sister is always trying to mend her relationship with our father through her kids, and gets disproportionately mad at him for not doing things for her kids if those were also things he failed to do for her. In other words, her kids are a stand-in for little-girl her. Please don't be doing this, transferrence is a witch's brew.
See a therapist, talk it over.
ps -- If you do decide to break with your father, for heaven's sake, tell him what happened.
Bah didn't mean to hit send lol..
Anyways, I'd like to have a close relationship with my dad and his wife.. But I don't know how to do that without tearing the family apart. My step-brother now has two kids of his own.. I've gone to several family functions, and always have this uncomfortable feeling, like I don't belong :(
Just don't know how to fix things with my dad.