Hi, I really don't know what to do. I met my dad when I was 16 for the first time. It was a little strange at first, but I was accepted right away by him and the rest of the family. I have 1 half sister, 1 step-sister, 2 half-brothers and a step-brother. I would go over maybe once a month for the weekend, and would party and drink with the family. They were/are big drinkers, drug-users.. Things were going well and I started to feel comfortable with them. My dad finally admitted the reason we'd never met was because my mom wouldn't allow it (which she finally admitted when asked).
Anyways, one weekend while I was there (I was 18 by then), I was drinking and doing drugs with my step-brother (I know, bad, but I was a teen lol) and we were playing pool and having fun, I was really starting to feel "accepted".. Anyways, I was wasted by bed time, and so was he.. My half-brother was asleep on top bunk-bed, he had lower bunk-bed, I made a bed on the floor.. Suddenly he jumped out of bed and on top of me, holding my arms down with one hand, he was straddling me so I couldn't move, and he started pulling my pants off with the other hand, and using his feet.. Saying things like, "we are meant for each other, I love you, your so beautiful" while I was yelling "stop, stop, your my brother, this isn't right" and he was saying "I'm not your brother, I never will be your brother, we should be together" and he had my pants off by then, and raped me.. (the rest is a memory blank).
The next day he was calling me names at the breakfast table. Idk why no one stood up for me . I went home that day, and never contacted my dad for another 8 years.. Anytime by boyfriend (now fiancé) or anyone else asked about my dad I just said he was an ******* and they drink too much.. I finally told my fiancé about 5 years ago what happened.
Then I got pregnant, and my dad is his only grandpa, besides my own 86 year old grandpa. And so I got the urge to get my dad back into my life.. I contacted him, and we've been working on re-establishing a relationship since then.. My son is now 2.
Problem is, our relationship is very strained, there's always this "elephant in the room" feeling.. I never told him what happened.. As a result, my dad and his wife isn't close with me and my son, like he is with the rest of their kids/grandkids
Bah didn't mean to hit send lol..
Anyways, I'd like to have a close relationship with my dad and his wife.. But I don't know how to do that without tearing the family apart. My step-brother now has two kids of his own.. I've gone to several family functions, and always have this uncomfortable feeling, like I don't belong :(
Just don't know how to fix things with my dad.
You were raped but in the name of family unity you didn't report it to the police, that's bad. You now want more family unity and guess what, you were raped and it's still bad.
I'm not going to tell you that you should go to the police, but I do think you should go to a therapist to work out what is important to you about having this man be a grandpa to your child. I think it might not be as important as standing up for the 16-year-old who got raped and didn't know what to do about it. Maybe the therapist and you will come to some other way of thinking about it, but I would not give away my outrage at being victimized by an ineffectual absent stoner father and predatory stoner half-brother, for the half-hearted hope that the former stoner father will suddenly become Grandpa of the Year to your child.
My sister is always trying to mend her relationship with our father through her kids, and gets disproportionately mad at him for not doing things for her kids if those were also things he failed to do for her. In other words, her kids are a stand-in for little-girl her. Please don't be doing this, transferrence is a witch's brew.
See a therapist, talk it over.
ps -- If you do decide to break with your father, for heaven's sake, tell him what happened.
Thank-you for your comments, this has really helped me look deeper within myself.. Honestly the reason I didn't say anything in the first place didn't have anything to do with family unity, I simply repressed the memory.. Then one day about 5 years after the incident, it came flooding back.. That's when I told my fiancé about it.. Before the memories came back, I honestly didn't understand myself WHY I would not go see my father... And WHY I felt so DIRTY.. Like I wasn't worthy of my fiancé (as we were dating at the time of the incident).
But you are right.. The sole reason I haven't said anything to my dad, since I started trying to have a relationship with him, is because I'm afraid that saying something will destroy the entire family, and I will be outcasted
My father wasn't/isn't a stoner, BUT was (and maybe still is, who knows) a VERY heavy drinker.. So your right, is it really worth the effort to try?
The reason I'd like to patch things up with my Dad, is mainly because both my Grandpas are VERY important people in my life, whom I love very very much, and my Dad is really my sons only real chance to have that. My one remaining grandpa is 86, and has just had successful surgery for cancer :) but at his age, at best he's only going to be with us a few years more. So trying to patch things with my dad, isn't so much transference of affection, I would like to have him in my life for ME, but I also would like my son to have a grandpa :)
Your right though, WILL I ever find what I'm looking for in him? I don't know. I do know that right now, it isn't working out the way I'd like, when there's an elephant in the room. My fiancé is encouraging me to NOT say anything to my Dad.
And on your fiance's side, there is no non-substance-abusing man who could fill an honorary place in your child's life? You don't have any nice uncles? Trying to re-make a heavy drinker into an idealized grandpa sounds like trying to roll a boulder uphill, even without the painful emotional baggage of the rape by his son. Why pick him when there are probably other, much more together, people in the family or in your circle of friends?
Annie-my fiancés dad passed away about 12 years ago. His Mom and my mom both have partners, but neither of them fit the "grandpa" role. Fiancés step-dad was abusive to him, and refuses to be called "grandpa" anyways.. My moms partner at least calls himself "grandpa", but he's very controlling towards my mom and has been trying to prevent her from having a relationship with my son.
My dad seems to be a really loving/caring grandpa to all his other grandkids, except my son. They haven't "bonded" the way he has with his other grandkids, that's what really hurts I think..
As for uncles, he does have 3 that love/care for him, though bonding has been slow with them too, due to not seeing them often enough. My fiancés best friend stays with us on weekends, and has a really tight bond with him though :) he's been given the title "uncle".
We have several other close male friends as well that don't have an official title, that he's bonded with really well with too. So your right, he does have "positive" male influences. Though the only person who's old enough to consider for a "grandpa" title, is fiancés best friend, who already has the "uncle" title lol.
Honey, hate to say it but your dad is not good grandpa material if he is drinking, and if you are always feeling slighted for the sake of your child. You can develop a good community of friends that includes older people if you look around, and that might be the best way to find ones without big problems.
Honestly, a big part of why it's so hard to make this decision, is because Hubby has been encouraging me to get to know my dad.. And at the same time, he doesn't think I should say anything to my dad about what happened..
Fiancé and his dad stopped contact when his dad remarried and his wife pushed fiancé and his brother away.. Then years later, his dad suddenly passed away.. My fiancé has always regretted that he hadn't seen his dad in years.. So that's a BIG part of why he is pressuring me like this..
I tried bringing up the points you guys have been saying, and trying to explain that I just don't feel welcome, or comfortable.. I don't think he really "gets" it.
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