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Reality Test??
I wanted to see if anyone else had a problem with this and how they've maybe learned to change or deal with it. Background on myself. My father physically, emotionally, and sexually abused me growing up. None of it was on the "severe" side except possibly the emotional abuse. He aslo physically and emotionally abused my two younger brothers. Our household was very controlled and no room for errors. We were forced to put on a front as a result we all struggle with showing any type of emotion. We all learned at a very early age it didn't matter whether we lied or told the truth the result was the same...beating, screaming, belittling(sp?). I am now happily married for 6 years to a man who has completely changed the way I view the world. He pulled me out of my shell and taught me you can show emotion, in fact, it's necessary to live. He's my protector, confidant, and basically my everything. There's no telling where I'd be without him.
I am in counseling, but, here's what I struggle with. My whole life seems like it's been one huge lie. Growing up, faking everything. This has resulted in me despising any type of lying. I'm extremely hard and critical on friends. I guess I don't know how to seperate little white lies with the "big" ones. I lump them all in to one group. Logically, I know it's not the same as what my father did but, I can't emotionally get over that. I have very few friends, most of which are guys. Once my loyalty is given to someone, I expect them to view it the same as me. I'm extremely loyal, as my dh says "loyal to a fault". This usually ends up in me being heartbroken b/c I found most people don't have this much passion about loyalty.
Counselor has suggested one of our goals be a "reality test"...Does anyone know actually what this means?? Is it just learning to seperate what I grew up in with what is actually considered the "norm" life??
Sorry, I kind of got to rambling there...
Thanks for any input at all...Be kind.
I am in counseling, but, here's what I struggle with. My whole life seems like it's been one huge lie. Growing up, faking everything. This has resulted in me despising any type of lying. I'm extremely hard and critical on friends. I guess I don't know how to seperate little white lies with the "big" ones. I lump them all in to one group. Logically, I know it's not the same as what my father did but, I can't emotionally get over that. I have very few friends, most of which are guys. Once my loyalty is given to someone, I expect them to view it the same as me. I'm extremely loyal, as my dh says "loyal to a fault". This usually ends up in me being heartbroken b/c I found most people don't have this much passion about loyalty.
Counselor has suggested one of our goals be a "reality test"...Does anyone know actually what this means?? Is it just learning to seperate what I grew up in with what is actually considered the "norm" life??
Sorry, I kind of got to rambling there...
Thanks for any input at all...Be kind.
Hi Angel,
Yes, my family went through all that. Is all that, whatever you can say about it. Nobody should have to go through it. Congratulations to you for doing something about it while your still young. Hiding it is such an important part of keeping it going. It sounds to me like dad might be getting busted. It also sounds like your going to try and lock horns with your father. It's good to be working with somebody on this, but I hope your counselor has discussed a chance of being disappointed.
If your dad is half as hard headed as mine was, you have picked a tough battle. I don't get the sexual abuse stuff, I'm sorry, I'm completely ignorant on that. I just can't imagine doing anything to a child in that way.
Do you know anything about the relationship your parents had with their parents, how either set of grandparents treated there spouses. Did your mother subconsciously pick out your father because he was like her father? Has your counselor talked to you about that?It happens.
You have to be talking a period of what? Early 60's maybe when your father was born? Your only about one generation away from a period when pregnant girls went away to Aunt Clara's for about 9 months for a visit, mentally ill were in an attic, a basement, away at camp, or locked in a barn. That's when a lot of mental institutions were built and it is the same generation that saw a lobotomy as a success story. Even the Kennedy family went along with that to "help" one of the girls.
You could be skating on some thin ice on this one. Maybe, just maybe, if your mom puts enough of something in his morning drink of choice and she can get someone to help carry him out to the car, you might get him to see a counselor, but he might not stick around after he wakes up, some things are better left unsaid, shame and guilt are very powerful emotions whether a person admits to what they have done or not.
I'm probably around 4 or five years older than your dad, I know that drill too. He had to have grown up in a tough environment himself. That's a time period when a good beating was considered to be just another form of education. At school one time I even had a Jr high principle, who knew my father very well, give me a choice of going home to tell my father what I had done, or take swats. After I chose the swats he walked over to a cabinet in his office and produced a boat ore that had most of the handle cut off, it produced a most distinctive stinging sensation. The vice principal stood and watched, but nobody told my dad a thing about it, and I liked it that way. You might even say I got off the hook on that one. A lot of us learned the hard way. It doesn't make it right, and it was becoming a rare thing, but it was even practiced in some public schools at that time. That's just the way it was.
What do you suppose your mother's reasoning is for attaching a "package deal" string to her relationship with you, that sort of stinks doesn't it. I wouldn't think that has any emotion attached to it, more like a manipulation tactic, and your brother won't have anything to do with you? Your mother would go to one mediated meeting.
What else went on? It wouldn't be that scary counselor standing behind you, would it? Wow, if everybody digs in, everybody looses, or, everybody wins, depends on who you are and how you look at it, the perfect storm. I'm guessing everybody has this control thing down pretty good, this is a tough one.
I also told my dad to get screwed and I left one night knowing I wasn't going to take it anymore, and I wasn't coming back. It was 5 years before I stepped back in that house, it's a tough way to go. I did it for myself I think, dad had aged a lot and I started wondering if I would regret not seeing him should something happen. A few years later his heart finally quit. It wasn't that I enjoyed the time, but for my own sake I'm glad I didn't have to wonder for the rest of my life if I should have gone back to the house. Like me, your still to angry to see him and I completely understand, 2 years isn't very long, but in two or three more you might think about it, you might wont to think about how long the rest of your life is. As I said, I'm not to far from your fathers age and it was just a few weeks ago my children came to the hospital to visit me when I had heart trouble. It can happen.
Yes, my family went through all that. Is all that, whatever you can say about it. Nobody should have to go through it. Congratulations to you for doing something about it while your still young. Hiding it is such an important part of keeping it going. It sounds to me like dad might be getting busted. It also sounds like your going to try and lock horns with your father. It's good to be working with somebody on this, but I hope your counselor has discussed a chance of being disappointed.
If your dad is half as hard headed as mine was, you have picked a tough battle. I don't get the sexual abuse stuff, I'm sorry, I'm completely ignorant on that. I just can't imagine doing anything to a child in that way.
Do you know anything about the relationship your parents had with their parents, how either set of grandparents treated there spouses. Did your mother subconsciously pick out your father because he was like her father? Has your counselor talked to you about that?It happens.
You have to be talking a period of what? Early 60's maybe when your father was born? Your only about one generation away from a period when pregnant girls went away to Aunt Clara's for about 9 months for a visit, mentally ill were in an attic, a basement, away at camp, or locked in a barn. That's when a lot of mental institutions were built and it is the same generation that saw a lobotomy as a success story. Even the Kennedy family went along with that to "help" one of the girls.
You could be skating on some thin ice on this one. Maybe, just maybe, if your mom puts enough of something in his morning drink of choice and she can get someone to help carry him out to the car, you might get him to see a counselor, but he might not stick around after he wakes up, some things are better left unsaid, shame and guilt are very powerful emotions whether a person admits to what they have done or not.
I'm probably around 4 or five years older than your dad, I know that drill too. He had to have grown up in a tough environment himself. That's a time period when a good beating was considered to be just another form of education. At school one time I even had a Jr high principle, who knew my father very well, give me a choice of going home to tell my father what I had done, or take swats. After I chose the swats he walked over to a cabinet in his office and produced a boat ore that had most of the handle cut off, it produced a most distinctive stinging sensation. The vice principal stood and watched, but nobody told my dad a thing about it, and I liked it that way. You might even say I got off the hook on that one. A lot of us learned the hard way. It doesn't make it right, and it was becoming a rare thing, but it was even practiced in some public schools at that time. That's just the way it was.
What do you suppose your mother's reasoning is for attaching a "package deal" string to her relationship with you, that sort of stinks doesn't it. I wouldn't think that has any emotion attached to it, more like a manipulation tactic, and your brother won't have anything to do with you? Your mother would go to one mediated meeting.
What else went on? It wouldn't be that scary counselor standing behind you, would it? Wow, if everybody digs in, everybody looses, or, everybody wins, depends on who you are and how you look at it, the perfect storm. I'm guessing everybody has this control thing down pretty good, this is a tough one.
I also told my dad to get screwed and I left one night knowing I wasn't going to take it anymore, and I wasn't coming back. It was 5 years before I stepped back in that house, it's a tough way to go. I did it for myself I think, dad had aged a lot and I started wondering if I would regret not seeing him should something happen. A few years later his heart finally quit. It wasn't that I enjoyed the time, but for my own sake I'm glad I didn't have to wonder for the rest of my life if I should have gone back to the house. Like me, your still to angry to see him and I completely understand, 2 years isn't very long, but in two or three more you might think about it, you might wont to think about how long the rest of your life is. As I said, I'm not to far from your fathers age and it was just a few weeks ago my children came to the hospital to visit me when I had heart trouble. It can happen.
I think fary was talking about room for error with my friends. I have been trying to contact my brother weekly, he doesn't return calls, texts, or anything. I somewhat understand his perspective currently. I think he doesn't know how to deal with our situation in relation to being back in that environment. It's hard to explain and for others to understand the mental hold and control my father had/has over us.
Would be to get your brother out of there and nearer to you if that is possible but it has to be because he wants to leave of course but if hes not doing well , it would be good for you to chat to him about his situation,especially if he has tried siucide thats a cry for help. However fary I think that this father doesnt deserve a 'space for error; this was child abuse remember,her father physically emotionally and sexually abused his daughter so what error are you talking about? pity your Mom cant see that ,he must have control on her feelings pretty well, it would have been a good thing if she could explain that to you and why she didnt protect you all unless she wasnt aware,of what he was doing. which doesnt make sense as she was there.
if possible then get ur brother some place close to u.
secondly v all need to tolerate and understand dat everyone makes mistakes.u find ur friends lynig to u.let dem know dat u know da truth and it wud hav been better dat ur friend himslef/herself had told u.
v all need to giv all da ppl sapce for error and try to correct dem not by coercion but by advice.
secondly v all need to tolerate and understand dat everyone makes mistakes.u find ur friends lynig to u.let dem know dat u know da truth and it wud hav been better dat ur friend himslef/herself had told u.
v all need to giv all da ppl sapce for error and try to correct dem not by coercion but by advice.
Yes, I have discussed the abuse with my mother. But, she's one of those "don't ask, don't tell". I have often thought that he does have control over her. The sexual abuse stopped 10 years ago. The other when I was told to leave 7 years ago. This new counselor was intially set up for a neutral party for my mom and I to go to counseling together. In the first session is when she said she wouldn't have a relationship with me unless I had one with my father also. In her words, "it's a package deal". I refuse to have a relationship with him. Afterall, who wants to keep torturing themselves??
Also, I never spoke out about the sexual abuse until I had my dd. My parents kept asking when she could come spend the night(this was at 3 months old when they started on this). Obvisiouly there's no way in he** I would ever let my children stay overnight there with him around. It came down to one day when I was supposed to go see my mother with my dd. She called to tell me my father was taking off work too. I had a bit of a panic attack. Called my father to say next time, I was coming to see my mom don't bother taking off work. I didn't want to even be around him unless my dh was with me. My father asked why, and that's when I confronted him about the abuse.
My brother closest to me (4 years younger). We had a fantastic, open relationship, very close. Then he had to move back home and I haven't heard from him since. He has attempted suicide twice. So, he is not coping well. My youngest (8 years younger) has a non-chalant(sp?) attitude about everything. He is much more easy-going and doesn't seem to have as hard of time coping. Except in social circumstances but, that's partly due to the fact he is insanely intelligent.
Also, I never spoke out about the sexual abuse until I had my dd. My parents kept asking when she could come spend the night(this was at 3 months old when they started on this). Obvisiouly there's no way in he** I would ever let my children stay overnight there with him around. It came down to one day when I was supposed to go see my mother with my dd. She called to tell me my father was taking off work too. I had a bit of a panic attack. Called my father to say next time, I was coming to see my mom don't bother taking off work. I didn't want to even be around him unless my dh was with me. My father asked why, and that's when I confronted him about the abuse.
My brother closest to me (4 years younger). We had a fantastic, open relationship, very close. Then he had to move back home and I haven't heard from him since. He has attempted suicide twice. So, he is not coping well. My youngest (8 years younger) has a non-chalant(sp?) attitude about everything. He is much more easy-going and doesn't seem to have as hard of time coping. Except in social circumstances but, that's partly due to the fact he is insanely intelligent.
Hi Angel,I was going to ask about your Mom as you didnt mention her in your first post, I assuming she was also controlled by him wasnt able to protect you children?You say in your 2nd post that you havent spoken to your Mom in 7 months,have you ever discussed the abuse with her?It sounds as if you have a great partner now he is very supportive and counselling is good .I do not know about a reality test I would be interested to hear maybe I will google it, How long ago did the abuse finish, how are your brothers coping if they endured the same thing.
Oh yeah, I haven't had contact with my father for over 2 years now. I confronted him (over the phone) and told him I didn't want to see him again unless he was willing to go to counseling and apologize to me. To which he replied..."If you're going to make accusations, I need dates and times." I haven't spoken to my mother in about 7 months. She will not have a relationship with me unless my father can be involved. So, I've basically written them off.
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