Right to be angry or cynical?

When I was 3 ears old my parents divorced due to my mother cheating.  My mother left my brother and I with my father who raised us alone for 5 years.  When I was 9 years old, my mother came back into my life and was engaged to a new man.  At first, this man was very caring and loving.  He took us all to fun and interesting places and was always there if my brother or I needed him.  After about 10 months, I trusted him and it was then that things began to change.  I remember one time I was eating vegetables, and he licked ranch dressing off my face.  Another time I was practicing dance in my leotard and he adjusted the crotch of it, sliding his fingers underneath the fabic.  I never said anything to my mother, I don't know why. Things like that continued to happen, and progressively went further.  This man raped me when I was 9 years old.  I was laying in my mothers bed watching a movie, she had gone to work, and he came into the room and layed down with me.  He then started touching and kissing me and when I told him to stop, he pinned me down and raped me.  I screamed at first, crying for my mother.  Then he told me nobody could hear me so I cried silently until he finished.  I never told my mother until years later when her and her new boyfriend asked me about it.  I cried as I told her, and she simply said that there was nothing she could do about it now.  I am now 19 years old and what happened still haunts me every day.  I feel an amazing amount of anger towards my mother, but it seems as if she forgot about what happened and doesn't understand why we don't have that mother daughter relationship she wants.  Do I have a right to still be bitter towards her even though it is ten years later?  Sometimes I feel that I should have just let it go a long time ago.  /:

[narla]

I am 48 and have only just got rid of my bitterness towards the person who abused me,I still feel some betrayal towards my parents,when I told them what my older brother did to me(he was 10 years older)it was swept under the carpet,I told them when I was 26 they just ignored it.I have since found out they confronted my brother,he told them it didn't happen so they assumed I was having false memories,they never discussed it with me,they just believed him.I never could have a mother daughter relationship with my mother and I really miss that,only you can decide how to deal with your feelings,counselling is an option so you can understand what your feeling and why.Good Luck and Best Wishes in whatever you decide.

Denise  

[narla]

P.S. Yes you have every right to be angry,and bitter and cynical.Your mother could have done something about it.Now you have to live for you and do whats right for you.

Denise

[skmedlin27703]

I believe you have the right to be upset.  Legally its probably too late to do something about it but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.  She could have offered you support, helped you get going in therapy... something to show that she is trying to help you work past it... Maybe she is trying to block it out herself... I would let her know how you feel, maybe even through written letter or email... it that is easier... Sometimes written communication works best b/c you can make sure you have included everything you want to say without getting side-tracked or off-subject.  Just an idea...

[margypops]

Certainly you have a right to feel upset, heres the thing if you continue to dwell on it it will eat you up, you could have a discussion with your Mom and ask Why, I am not excusing her but sometimes families dont know how to respond to a situation ,they almost go into denial which is sad, children should be protected , parents need to be aware of things that can happen and protect..very often the parents are busy and the abuse stories dont come out for many years ..To Parents of children I say be aware of all, avenues .....

[kenneltech]

Of course you feel bitterness and anger towards your mother, you haven't have any closure nor have you been able to tell her how you really feel about her role in what happened.  Had she not left you there in the first place, this may not have happened.  Also, just by her reaction, I can see why you would be angry, she didn't even justify your anger, she basically didn't do anything.  This is a terrible burden to carry, but you have to go geet therapy and deal with this right up front.  If that means staying away from your mother, then so be it, it doesn't sound like she's that into you and your brother anyway.

I had a mother that was like yours, just really didn't care, and when I told her that her "boyfriend" did "bad" things to me, she just kind of shrugged.  Oh well!

With or without her, you need to get healing for yourself and stop worrying about anything she thinks, and being angry as someone who could care less basically eats you alive, it has no affect on them!  For your own sanity, get rid of this anger.

[Dazon50]

My heart goes out to you for what you have suffered.  Are you angry that she came back into your life when you were 9 with that boyfriend? She brought him into your life. She left you with your Dad and you were settling in.  Where is your Dad in all of this?

One of the things that bothers me about this is that people who are adults can bring it out in the open that priests abused them as children and bring suits against the church, but as an individual you are told the statue of limitations has run out....something is unbalanced there.

I think you have some good suggestions made already.  You can choose what you will say to your Mother and if you want to track this man down and tell him what you need or want to.  Whether it is symbolically in the form of a letter or as if he is in the room and you let him have it!!!  It will be your choice...the choice he stole from you when he didn't listen to your "no" but violated your boundaries.

I can understand why you wouldn't want to act as if everything is great and do Mother/daughter things with her.  If this is getting in the way of you progressing and being happier, consider what has been said so far and if money is an issue:  I would look into local support groups through a church or in the community or even talking with your Mother that you feel she is part of the problem and should contribute towards therapy.  This was her boyfriend.  It grieves me how we keep silent and people like this get away with what they do.  They shouldn't.  

I hope you are able to find help and healing as you take steps and make choices that are yours to  make to seek wholeness.

[chloe802]

Oh, Dear- Yes, you have every right in the world to be mad/angry. I'm so so sorry this happened to you. You can STILL report this!!! Maybe you find closure in reporting this... You could save some other small, innocent girl from suffering the same thing you went through. Finding someone to talk to, pressing charges, and making a difference might bring some peace in your life. I know it won't take away the memories, but you may be able to move on better.

About your mother, (AND MY DAUGHTER IS 17!) I'm sorry, but shame on her... She needs help. Did she have any hint/clue this was going on? This almost sounds worse than the first part of your story!!! You know- My marriage was going sour, and I left my husband FOR my daughter... Meaning, he turned into a drunk, and I didn't like his drunkness around my daughter. She came first. (He cheated on me, too, but I found that out after I filed and kicked him out...) On the brighter side, you know, deep in your heart, when you are a mother someday, you will be the most loving, caring, mother ever! Personally, I would really tell her how you feel, more than what you said before. Tell her how it ruined your life and how she is responsable!!! PARENTS ARE SUPPOSE TO PROTECT THEIR CHILD! Maybe she deep down knew and feels responsable and hates herself. I don't know or understand her, but she sounds selfish, unstable herself. I know you are an adult now, but in my eyes, you are still an innocent young girl... You need a mama that all little girls look up to and love dearly... I wish I could help you more. If you were my neighbor, niece, what ever- I would of took you in a heartbeat to give you the motherly love you deserve. Be very careful on the men in your life you choose to be with... There are some wonderful men out there. And, when you meet that man and get married, you will have kids, and in return, God will bless you to give you the strength to give what you never got... Unconditional love. <3

[allmymarbles]

You told your mother years later, not when it happened. If you had told her then, she could have done something. Little children keep secrets like this. That's not your fault. But if your mother didn't know what was happening, can it be her fault for not doing anything?

[mcg3e09]

@dazon, i wasn't angry at the time .. But now that I realize what she had done I know she was wrong.  My dad doesn't know what happened, and I still to this day havnt found the words, the courage, or the right time to tell him.  I don't know how he would ever respond, and I don't want him to look at me differently.  

@Chloe, thank you very much for your support.  I have recently been researching my states statute of limitations laws and according to them I have twelve years from the time I turned 18 since I was a minor when it happened.  As or you advice about men, I've been there and made huge mistakes in that department that I regret.  

@all my marbles, no.  It wasn't years later that I told her about what happened.  I told her in brief just shy of two years after and three years after that I went to her again simply for someone to talk to and told her every detail.  I feel like it was her position to look into laws and procedures, even 4 years later, to see if she could help me.  And if she couldn't help me legally, she could have at least been there for me to talk to, confide in, and to cry on her shoulder.  But she wasn't there, she offered no support.  And for that I resent her, I am bitter towards her, and I don't know what to do about it.  


@ everyone else, thank you all for your support.  It eases my mind to know that there are people out there who don't think I am just dragging it out too long and holding ridiculous grudges.  Thank you!

[allmymarbles]

Given that new information, all I can say is that your mother is not much of a mother. There is no rule that says we have to admire, or even like, our parents.