I am new to this. After reading through 16 pages of abuse victims and the struggles several of you have been through i finaly brought myself to writting this as I really need help to get myself on track and look forward to a bright and happy future. As a teen i was always overly happy i guess you would say, always trying to impress others and make people laugh, but as i grew older it turned more into me being an obnoxious ***** who would abuse others and try to make them feel bad about themselves. Lately how ever, i have become more and more repressed from the outside world and try to hide my emotions with a daily habit of smoking marijuana. I started smoking marijuana at a young age due to thinking that was the normal thing to do as a growing man from years of seeing my father abuse the drug. I was and still am socially challenged and i find it hard to get along with people because of my paranoia which may be from the drug but also because of what i am getting to now. As a young boy, maybe between of 5-7 i can not recall exactly, i was taken advantage of by an older boy who was a family friend several times as we would go out and skate when our parents were together. After the first time, i thought this was normal and allowed it to happen for a period of time. These actions were also encouraged by the fact that my father was very open about sex and those kinds of things, he never touched me in any way or anything like that but i had seen movies with sex in them at a very young age. I do not think he did this unintentionally to harm me in any way but was always away with the fairies (guess you could say)under the influence of drugs. The abuse re-occured several times over a year and then stopped. Lately these memories have really been playing on my mind and over the past year or so i have been obsessing with the thought that i have HIV/aids but am too scared to visit the doctors because of the result i fear will come back. Please take it easy with your response as i take every thing personal, that said, i am in much need of advice and help from an experienced person in this position.
apologies is this makes no sense, and i know it is long but damn i needed to get this off my chest.
thanks for read..