Seeking urgent advice as to what i am ment to do.

[wantingabetterfuture]

I am new to this. After reading through 16 pages of abuse victims and the struggles several of you have been through i finaly brought myself to writting this as I really need help to get myself on track and look forward to a bright and happy future. As a teen i was always overly happy i guess you would say, always trying to impress others and make people laugh, but as i grew older it turned more into me being an obnoxious ***** who would abuse others and try to make them feel bad about themselves. Lately how ever, i have become more and more repressed from the outside world and try to hide my emotions with a daily habit of smoking marijuana. I started smoking marijuana at a young age due to thinking that was the normal thing to do as a growing man from years of seeing my father abuse the drug. I was and still am socially challenged and i find it hard to get along with people because of my paranoia which may be from the drug but also because of what i am getting to now. As a young boy, maybe between of 5-7 i can not recall exactly, i was taken advantage of by an older boy who was a family friend several times as we would go out and skate when our parents were together. After the first time, i thought this was normal and allowed it to happen for a period of time. These actions were also encouraged by the fact that my father was very open about sex and those kinds of things, he never touched me in any way or anything like that but i had seen movies with sex in them at a very young age. I do not think he did this unintentionally to harm me in any way but was always away with the fairies (guess you could say)under the influence of drugs. The abuse re-occured several times over a year and then stopped. Lately these memories have really been playing on my mind and over the past year or so i have been obsessing with the thought that i have HIV/aids but am too scared to visit the doctors because of the result i fear will come back. Please take it easy with your response as i take every thing personal, that said, i am in much need of advice and help from an experienced person in this position.

apologies is this makes no sense, and i know it is long but damn i needed to get this off my chest.
thanks for read..

[wantingabetterfuture]

so i cant delete this and after reading through this i may come across as just being dramatic or whatever but i need help and am too embarressed to ask for it. i am slowly declining in my metal and physical health and it is really starting to scare me. advice  would be very much appreciated. and please dont just tell me to see a physc because i have read that time and time again annd it is now on my to do list. please, to anyone who reads this, help a young man get back on his feet.

[narla]

I understand what you are feeling,I was sexually abused by my brother from the ages of 7 to 10 he was 10 yrs older than me,and yes I let it happen at the time it felt good which is really hard to admit,I was getting the attention I wasn't getting from my parents.I am now 47 and only just dealing with all the feelings and emotions.I became an alcoholic and codeine addict.What I'm saying is you need to get into counselling now, try and stop the marijuana and work on you,if you feel ashamed or guilty over what happened you need to remember you were a child and it was not your fault.You say you allowed it to happen,you didn't he took advantage of, and abused a 5 yr old child,none of this is your fault.All I can say is get the help now while your young don't wait because the feelings and emotions only get worse.

       Get into therapy  Denise

[margypops]

It was not your fault it never is but thats what many victims are left with and thats where the counselling kicks in and helps. If you read all the posts here it seems to happen a lot I dont know what the statistics are but many ,many children are abused at very young ages.It seems very doubtful you would have hiv from any childhood experiences but theonly way to know that is to take the test.I can tell you are feeling fragile but you have taken a first step in coming here and writing it down ..Good luck