Sexually abused multiple times

From the time I could walk I was a victim of incest by my two uncles. I also was sexually abused by a neighbor and one of my babysitters brothers. At the age of 18 I was raped. When my parents found out about the incest, they did talk to me about it one night, and that was the only time that it was ever brought up. My parents knew nothing about the rape. My sister was the one that took me to the hospital and then I went to live with her. When my dad was alive, I did not ever bring the subject up because it was his brothers and he just couldn't stand to talk about it. My mother on the other hand still continues to change subjects when I mention any of it. As of today, all of my abusers have passed away except one, and I have never seen him in many, many years.

The reason I am telling you this, is that I do not know if this is normal, but I have never been to counselling and only had some issues with it when I got married over 20 years ago. I choose not to let these events ruin my life. I have gone on to have a very good marriage and had a wonderful child too. I do not get up everyday thinking of these events nor do I choose to. I feel that it is not right for me to blame everything that ever happens to me on my past.

I was dealt a several bad hands when I was younger, but I choose to take my life away from me.

My question is, do you think that by not letting this dictate my life that I am in denial?

[jml1986]

Thanks for your input. I have wonder periodically through my life whether I was just trying to act like it never happened or whether I had made the right choice by not letting the past control me. My heart hurts when I hear others that have gone through similar situations and have no way of getting through it.

[jo929]

I am so sorry that you had to go through this but i want to commend you on your decision it takes a strong person to coquer their feeling and go forth many woul d have went the other way . i know as i am a  mother that you have had many a hard day over this but i hope through the years peace has come to you and you feel like you are th victor which you truly are i am lots older than you and i do know about back then .  may god bless you and you have a very wonderful life.      jo.

[jml1986]

Thank you both. I do think I made the right choice. I can't imagine what my life would have been like had I let this tear me down. I just hope that my story will one help someone else who is going through a similar situation to realize life is so much better when you are the one that chooses it's path.

[jo929]

i wrote to you before but lately i was thinking about you and it brought something to my mind as i said i am lots older than you my daughters would be your age or older but my oldest daughter used to go to my sisters house and my sister lived with her inlaws  my daughter was about 5 when she and my neice cane home and said mama i want to tell you something i let her tell her own way she said in her chidish her cousins granfather was holding her and put his hands in her panties she said mama i dont like that cause you told me to tell you about if anyone did that then without seeming to i questioned my neice sge said this was not the first time he had did this to her also she had a sister i went immediatly to his wife and ny sister and told them what was going on and she would not be back but to send the kids to my house to play then i felt like his wife knew io also told him what i thought it could have ben worse some children really are abused but what i want to know did you ever forgive your mom and dad i have honestly thought that i would shoot someone if they really abused them i dont knowq but guess i just have so much love for kids i cant help the way i feel i do hope they made something better for you i hate child molesters  but i better get off the soap box  you give good advice also      lots luck to you dor taking over your life and never feel bad because you went forward and would not let the abuser take over  my hats off to you, i wish so many others had your courage     jo

[jml1986]

I really never felt like I needed to forgive my parents for anything. I don't think that they intentionally meant to put me in harms way. I can't even imagine what they must have felt when they found out that it was one of their siblings. I look at as since I chose not to let this control my life, that I could not blame them for putting me in that position. I have never doubted that had my parents known that these two people would do such a thing, they would have never put me in the position for the acts to take place. Also had I choosen to blame my parents, that would mean that I was letting these people have control of my life and I would never let that happen. I am now 46, and have been blessed to have wonderful parents, my dad has since passed away, but was the most amazing father anyone could ever have.

If I could think of one thing that I would had loved to be different, it would be that my parents both came from a day and age where you keep all bad things in the closet and I would like to have been able to mention it thoughout the years without making my parents so uncomfortable.

The reason even posted on the subject, was that I find myself being unsympathetic when I hear people say that everything they have done wrong in this world is because they were either a victim or incest or rape, and since I have been there myself, I wanted to know if I just don't get it.

[jml1986]

Let me rephrase what I was saying about being unsympathtic, I think that it is more of a frustration at women who choose to let the sexual act itself control them, because I know that there can be a great life just waiting for them to live it if they will just take back the control of their lives.

[jo929]

i am so glad that you ans me and you are right as usual my oldest daufgter passed on at 51 i guess i was thinking of her and that is what sent me down memory lane any mother or father would be so pround of you and i do beleive that you are right about a lot of things especially blaming. i do beleive that one can go on with their life but not if they keep blaming and looking back they do have that choice if you look in the one where patricia says i hate my parents she did not ask for advice and after raising 3 girls by myself i had no sympathy for her also about minnosia she wont let go the reason i know about this personality thing and i can not go into it on forumn there was another courageos woman who went on with her llife after being so abused if you could just read the book her personalities took over for the pain it not onle involve i but 2 people i think the name was cry for the cgildren and it helped or i think it helped so many people she was on opra winfreys show and she wrote this book normally i dont watch opra i dont know why i did that day but raising 3 children and working the places i have gives one the ibsight to know when one realy wants help and when one is wanting attention my life was people i am just a comon ole person but i do have comon sense to see through some things   again i am glad the you joined you will make a big difference to people  on ursla column i hope i did not speak out of turn i am wondering there and trying hard to get the real story so that i may understand the rare cases i really know about and that is rare i think sometimes some therapists can sort of do more harm than good and one in this case needs more self esteem i know a lot of people that have very low  i dot want to use the word esteem but i will because i cant thnk of the other word so many people thought thet were not as good as someone else just because they were brought up in a poor family and when i was a kid i was laughed at yoi know how kids are i did not dress right i was a poor person but i feel and i felt then that every one rich or poor ect are all created equal and i feel like i am just as good as the next guy even tho i do not have fine things but i have done the work i love and that is with people i try to get people to feel that ways but to many go around and put the blame for low self esteem somewhere else they come up with lots of reasons and it is hard to control what ans you give on columns i try but sometimes i might sound a little rough on these people that write in but i have found that if you show to much pity that makes it worse i dont beleive just every thing someone writes in as some write in twice abd each id different story  so sorry to bend you ear    just sounding off  some of these people back off if they do not get the ans they want to hera         jo

[jml1986]

I totally understand what you are saying. That is why I said what I did about using a situation such as abuse as an excuss for everything that happens in your life. I believe we were all dealt a hand and how we choose do work with it is up to us. I have never been ashamed to tell someone what I went through, but that does not also give me the right to use it as a crutch when things aren't going the way I think they should.

If you don't mind me asking, did you and your daughter ever talk about what happened? I know that times were different back then so somethings were left unsaid. Also, do you blame yourself in anyway?

I agree that some people back off when they don't hear what they want to hear. That is why I had wondered if what I said sounded to harsh and cold hearted. I do understand that each person goes through this in different ways, but I do not think that I would be helping someone understand and cope by feeding into the pity. That does not mean I don't care but I just feel like that it is okay to dip your toe in pity but you should not dive in head first. As harsh as this may sound, you either want to learn to go on with your life after the abuse or you choose to live it that one time and place where the abuse took place. I choose to live and hope that by telling my story, someone out there may see it and know that moving on and having a happy life if they are willing to do it.