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Should I be worried
Recently we had my husband's brother and his pregnant girlfriend come and live with us briefly while they were looking for a place to live. His brother's girlfriend also has a 10 yr old daughter who was also staying with us. Her daughter would follow me around and want to help me with cooking and cleaning and one day she began telling me how much she hated my husband's brother. She also told me that one night when he went into to say goodnight to her he asked her if she wanted him to show her how to kiss properly! i asked what happened next and did she talk to her Mum about it and she said she told him to get lost and he left the room. The next day she told her Mum about it and when she confronted him about it he said she was lying and he asked her if she wanted him to show her how to skate properly. Her Mum did not believe her. This absolutely devastated me and I believe her. It is so sad that she has gone to her own mother about this and she won't believe her. It breaks my heart. I spoke to my husband about it that night who told me that a while ago he found a child pornographic picture saved in his brothers computer and that child porn websites kept popping up. I Have a 2 year old daughter and do not want anything to do with my husbands brother anymore because I am not willing to risk my daughter's safety. I also am worried that maybe this type of thing can run in the family. I know it is a horrible thing to worry whether your own husband may be capable of doing something like this but what do you think? Should I be worried?
Best Answer
I just read through the whole blog and I am shoked at this situation. .....First off I have to say to Allmymarbles ....what are you thinking not reporting this person? Really what if this was your daughter would it be too much of an inconvienenvce? Bringing the authorities into this would blow it out of proportion....really, Im not sure how familiar you are with sexual abuse , it's signs, and reprocussions but I can tell you that rarmst has a duty as a mother and a human being to turn this creep into the authorities. How do you blow it out of proportion? Did you ever stop to think that she could be saving the little girl from years of abuse, apparently the mother dosen't want to believe her for whatever the reason it dosen't matter, the mother has chosen her man over the child and like the coward she is won't turn him in so I definetly believe that this man should be turned in by rarmst. And please people let the investigators and authorities, and the local D.A. make the decision on weather or not to pick up the case.
It is our job as parents to help raise "our" community not only our kids but the children around us and yes this ccan be exptremely uncomfortable but please think about the little girl and how much courage she had to tell this much, .....Please Rarmst ....give this little girl a voice , you may be all she has right now.
What if this was your little girl and she was to affraid to tell you and told a family friend and they thought , ow well I will just stay out of it and your daughter went on being abused and she never told again because she thought no one believe her. My heart breaks even thinking about it.
Please as a woman who was abused for over 10 years by my mothers husband take it from me.....there were so many nights I would pray that someone would save me. My mother was told about the abuse and didn't believe us, years later he admitted it and my mother apologized however the damage was done. There is not a week of my life that dosen't go by that I don't have nightmares. I am affraid 20 years later to go to sleep and I mean every night.
I am proud of this little girl to have told you and I would take it as an honor that she could trust you this way. Show her that you care and call the authorities. Prove to this little girl that this isn't her fault , show her she is worth everyone being "inconvienenced" to make sure she is being cared for. Please prove to her that even thought her own momma dosen't care their are mom's out their that do. It's just a phone call you can do it. PLEASE call the authorities right away!!!! and if the little girl is taken away it will be the best thing for her. Good luck and keep us posted as we care.
~~~~~~~~~~blessings and streanght~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is our job as parents to help raise "our" community not only our kids but the children around us and yes this ccan be exptremely uncomfortable but please think about the little girl and how much courage she had to tell this much, .....Please Rarmst ....give this little girl a voice , you may be all she has right now.
What if this was your little girl and she was to affraid to tell you and told a family friend and they thought , ow well I will just stay out of it and your daughter went on being abused and she never told again because she thought no one believe her. My heart breaks even thinking about it.
Please as a woman who was abused for over 10 years by my mothers husband take it from me.....there were so many nights I would pray that someone would save me. My mother was told about the abuse and didn't believe us, years later he admitted it and my mother apologized however the damage was done. There is not a week of my life that dosen't go by that I don't have nightmares. I am affraid 20 years later to go to sleep and I mean every night.
I am proud of this little girl to have told you and I would take it as an honor that she could trust you this way. Show her that you care and call the authorities. Prove to this little girl that this isn't her fault , show her she is worth everyone being "inconvienenced" to make sure she is being cared for. Please prove to her that even thought her own momma dosen't care their are mom's out their that do. It's just a phone call you can do it. PLEASE call the authorities right away!!!! and if the little girl is taken away it will be the best thing for her. Good luck and keep us posted as we care.
~~~~~~~~~~blessings and streanght~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The ten year old is screaming out to you for help. Her mother has her own head in the sand and refuses to protect her. She needs you to help her.
Notify the police about your husband's brother's behavior and that your husband told you about the child porn on the computer. Your husband is putting his head 9in the sand if he actually believes his brother's story about looking for regular porn and child porn pops up. No no. It doesn't work like that. They subscribe to it because they are pedifiles. Your husband's brother needs to be picked up by the police and his computer and belongings searched. Also tell the police that the 10 year old's mother refuses to believe her and actually put her into his bed one night. (God, she is a crazy woman) No child should be forced to live in that situation. He has only groomed the mother so that he can get to the child! He is succeeding. You notify the police now!
Notify the police about your husband's brother's behavior and that your husband told you about the child porn on the computer. Your husband is putting his head 9in the sand if he actually believes his brother's story about looking for regular porn and child porn pops up. No no. It doesn't work like that. They subscribe to it because they are pedifiles. Your husband's brother needs to be picked up by the police and his computer and belongings searched. Also tell the police that the 10 year old's mother refuses to believe her and actually put her into his bed one night. (God, she is a crazy woman) No child should be forced to live in that situation. He has only groomed the mother so that he can get to the child! He is succeeding. You notify the police now!
In Australia even if it's just suspicion of child porn the police will investigate through the net,they also set up stings here to catch people viewing child porn,I'm sure if she went to the police here with her concerns they would do something,they confiscate computers so their IT guys can go through everything that has been viewed or downloaded.She could also talk to DoCS about her concerns(Department of Child Services)
You misunderstand me. I am looking at the situation with the eyes of an investigator. There is little evidence for them to proceed on. Suspicion yes. But that is not sufficient in the eyes of the law.
That sounds like a great idea. Your husband might be the best one to do it, it would probably be better man-to-man (and talking about his own brother) because that would prevent the father of the little girl from just thinking you're some woman with a grudge against her brother-in-law. (Men tend to listen differently to women than they do to men.) If you husband says what he saw on the computer, and tells about the kissing, and then about the sending-girl-to-sleep-in-her-spot stuff, I think her father would be very concerned, and besides, he's her father. He has every right to know. (Thank god she has a good-sounding father in the picture. That is probably what gave her the have-it-together attitude enough to even tell you what happened.)
My Husband and his siblings had a horrible upbringing. I've been with him for many years and have talked a lot about it. However, none of them were molested thankfully. unless it is something he can't talk about but I don't think so because I an tell when he is hiding something and I think I know everything. His brother is a very strange character and always has been very selfish and very manipulative...we have always had to help him out with money and jobs. He has no sense of responsibility. Where as my husband and the others have all seem to make good lives for themselves despite what they've been through. To be honest as well when I met his girlfriend for the first time, I really didn't think much of her either. She seems to carry on as though her children are all a burden on her and she doesn't care what kind of inappropriate things she talks about in front of them. And I totally agree about letting her own daughter sleep in the same bed as him when she knows what she knows being creepy. That's why I think she is only going to believe what she wants to and what suits her life. It is all very strange. the girls own real father seems to be an ok guy, I haven't met him but she always talks about him like she adores him. I'm sure if he new about this he would get her out of there quick smart. Maybe we could try and contact him?
If it was just a peculiar offer to kiss her, that would not be an issue. But molesters start with one thing and move to another, and it escalates. The guy has been seen to be looking at child porn, the child gets this offer, and the guy has found a woman who is so in need of him that she is (let's say unintentionally) complicit (that sending-her-daughter-to-sleep-with-boyfriend thing is really creepy). This is all a recipe for future disaster. It sounds like the little girl is pretty together -- at least she told the poster what had happened. Let's hope she can tell her if something worse happens.
Until you know what happened or what kind of childhood your husband and his brother had, I would be worried. Generally child molesters were molested themselves. This is not in EVERY case though, but it certainly is in most cases. I would ask your husband to tell you the absolute truth about anything that went on in their childhood, and if nothing happened to your husband, I would say not to worry. I have never heard of child molesting being hereditary. Good luck, and if your husband's brother's wife doesn't do anything about that poor girl, then I certainly would. When you do nothing and you suspect child molestation, it is like you are doing it yourself. I know, trust me.
This kind of thing is hard to prove. There wouldl be an inconclusive mess with the little girl in the middle of it. More damaging than a peculiar kiss.
I still say this guy should be reported to the police,what he is doing on the net is illegal in Australia.
But yes first and foremost look out for that little girl.
Denise
But yes first and foremost look out for that little girl.
Denise
You are on the right track and it would appear that everyone on this forum agrees with you. The girl is your mission. What happens to the relationship with her mother and the boyfriend is of no concern when the welfare of a child is at stake. Good luck to you and to the little girl.
Some women really can be in denial about what is happening. This woman is pregnant so probably feels really dependent on your brother-in-law, which gives her even more reason to shut her eyes. The fact that she actually told her daughter to go sleep with the brother makes me think she is actively deluding herself about what is going on. (Or even worse, that she subconsciously hopes he will focus his sexual attentions on her daughter so she won't have to bother with him that way. God forbid.) I worry about the child of any mother who is so willing to believe her lying partner over her own child.
Stay in touch with the girl, please, and tell her she does not have to put up with anything like that, of there is one more incident she can come to you, and so on. Her dilemma is going to be that if she speaks up, she breaks up the family, and her mother is going to be very angry with her, but if she doesn't speak up, incestuous attacks are on the horizon for her. She is in a very tough spot. I'm glad you made the connection with her.
Stay in touch with the girl, please, and tell her she does not have to put up with anything like that, of there is one more incident she can come to you, and so on. Her dilemma is going to be that if she speaks up, she breaks up the family, and her mother is going to be very angry with her, but if she doesn't speak up, incestuous attacks are on the horizon for her. She is in a very tough spot. I'm glad you made the connection with her.
I have also had a talk with her (the daughter) and told her that she can always come to me and tell me if anything else happens that she isn't comfortable with. She felt comfortable telling me the first time so I only hope she feels she can talk to me or someone else who can help her again. When she first told me about him asking her if she wanted him to teach her how to kiss properly she asked me not to talk to her mum about it because she would get in trouble because her mum would say she is lying. I felt like if I did say something at the time then if anything did happen she wouldn't trust me to talk to me about it next time. But yes I think we should definitely talk to her mum about it and hopefully knowing about the pictures will open her eyes to the seriousness of their situation.
Thanks for all the advise, fortunately they aren't actually staying with us anymore, they went back to where they were living soon after I found out about everything. I think I made things a bit uncomfortable for them and forced them to leave which is terrible. I should have talked to them about it straight away but my husband and I weren't sure how to approach it and his brother has always been very very good at lying so we new he would just deny it.
But you're absolutely right allmymarbles. We should tell her mother about the child porn and then if she doesn't do anything it proves that she is only looking out for herself and not the safety of her daughter.
But you're absolutely right allmymarbles. We should tell her mother about the child porn and then if she doesn't do anything it proves that she is only looking out for herself and not the safety of her daughter.
I rather think that the mother of the girl, once she lets everything seep in, will take a good hard look at her boyfriend (presuming she is told about the pictures in his computer). It is better for the mother to handle it. Bringing in the authorities would blow the situation out of proportion and direct too much of the little girl's attention to it. Moreover, the authorities might decide that the mother is negligent because of her association with the bum, and take the girl away. Certainly if they are thrown out of the house (and by his own brother) the mother will understand that something serious is afoot.
I wouldn't just ban them from your life without any consideration for the 10-year-old in this situation. If the mother doesn't believe it, I would consider reporting the situation. That little girl is going to be at the mercy of that man if you aren't in the picture to provide shelter.
I would not be worried about my husband or that perversion runs in families. What I would do is get your brother-in-law and his girlfriend out of your house PDQ. Before that I would tell the girlfriend what your husband saw in his brother's computer. Then it is up to her to do something about it. But get them out of the house.
My personal opinion is yes you should be worried, I dont think children tell lies, at least most times, the porn is also a warning, it is sad when a parent denies that the child speaks the truth. It may be a good idea to have a chat and tell her you believe the child. ,keep your child away from him.
I believe for your husband to admit to you what he saw on his brothers computer I wouldn't be worried so much about your husband,but I would definitely keep your brother-in-law away from your daughter,In Australia it is illegal to have child pornography on your computer,it is also illegal to go to child pornography sites.If I were you I would report his brother to the police,they would confiscate his computer and check every site he has been on,they can also check everything he has downloaded,even if he has deleted items they will still be able to retrieve them.
Denise
Denise
I will try and talk to her about it but I get the feeling she is only going to believe what she wants to believe. When they were staying with us she said our spare bed was too uncomfortable for her to sleep on so she decided to sleep on the couch where her daughter was sleeping. So she put her daughter in bed with him which is shocking to me especially since she her daughter has spoken to her about what happened.
Yes when I told my husband about it he was shocked and took it very seriously. That's why he told me what he'd also found. When he had previously confronted his brother about the pornographic picture on his computer his brother said he was trying to look at normal porn and these other sites and images kept popping up. At the time he gave him the benefit of the doubt but when I told him about this he knew he was lying about that too.
Thank you for your comment, it has been playing on my mind a lot.
Yes when I told my husband about it he was shocked and took it very seriously. That's why he told me what he'd also found. When he had previously confronted his brother about the pornographic picture on his computer his brother said he was trying to look at normal porn and these other sites and images kept popping up. At the time he gave him the benefit of the doubt but when I told him about this he knew he was lying about that too.
Thank you for your comment, it has been playing on my mind a lot.
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I don't think molestation behaviors "run in the family" in a biological way, though if a group of siblings was being molested, there is a possibility that when they grew up (and depending on their personalities), they might all act out as a result of the molestation. But you don't even have any way to know where your brother-in-law got his unhealthy obsession with children and sex. Was your husband shocked by the story of his brother's behavior? If so, I wouldn't worry.