Should I stay or Should I go?

[countryrose]

I suspect my spouse has a mild form of Bipolar Disorder that may be starting to worsen. I can't get him to seek help to see if he has a mood disorder. I need to know what I should do here. 2 incidents occurred, where my spouse accused me of purposely spilling some cat remedy on garage floor to clean up. He was adamant that I laid this out for him to clean up. He yelled and hollered told me what a lazy person I was and bad wife and that I just sat on my *** all day...I am disabled, but I will tell you that lazy nowhere near describes me. I argued with him told him how crazy he was sounding, and that I did not do what he accused me of. I had given my cat some fur remedy, but she may have vomited out some on the floor as I never saw what he described. He insisted I apologize for something I didnt do which I refused...Minutes later, he was mellow and trying to get on my good side. A little too late.

A few days later I was at an event that had me out of town (working) for 3 days. he was okay with it. I didn't see the big deal since he leaves whenever he feels like it and spends money on himself like no tomorrow. Anyway, upon return he yelled and hollered "he wanted a divorce" if I went off somewhere for 3 days again. I was at a relatives by the way during this work excursion. I was shocked at his behavior and of course defended my positiion which only angered him more. He continued to yell, "I want a divorce" and was shaking. I told him he was completely out of line, and I no longer wished to continue to the dialogue as it was going. Again, after he was apologetic which I was pissed and feeling like I was about to land in the hospital from such stress with his behavior.

Question is is this abuse? Also, should I go to my work event of 3 days despite his demands that if I do he will divorce me. Mind you, a month ago, he was aware this is what I was going to do and said no problem.

very confused

[Cherie762]

Hi, Im going though some of the same stuff I have thought for years my husbands bipolar hes got the symptoms. I will make it simple for you what I have learned ..the only way to change his behavior is to change the way you react to it. I no longer take my husbands ****..we arent as close but Im happier...sometimes ignoring works ,,,sometimes I kill him with kindness,just change whatever responses your giving now arent working.Not your fault not at all...but they wont go for help and your options are limited.

when he throws a tantrum try making a silly face or laughing..that works with my idiot husband makes him see he is being a child.

[countryrose]

Thank you for the kind words. Yes, I do have family whom I haven't discussed the situation too yet as they are chronic worriers and will treat him differently should I decide to stay if he gets better. I am not sure what I can do since I am unable to work, so I hope out there someone knows of some programs that someone in my situation might go to. I have to say that over the weekend a 3rd inicdent occurred where his rage was out of control and bizarre to do with our atm and he came blaming me that it didn't work.
I had enough I told him so which enraged him. His face contorted like a monster and he started to cuss and wanted to call me "*****" I am sure whicH i warned him not to say it or I was done with him, so he didnt but he went around in a rage yelling that he couldn't believe I thought he was being abusive cause he came over to me when he was calm and had grasped my jacket and said, "i purposely gave him the wrong info on our atm card," I told him let go of my shirt in a mad tone which incensed him and he grabbed it more and said dumb *** I was playing around, by which I said get away from me..and then his rage began...In the 12 years I have been married, I have not seen anything like this to this extent...Anyway, for the first time I raced around while he yelled get out of my house, and I gathered my things to leave, I was out the door with only my keys and toothbrush, and he began to beg in the calm voice that should have been and said wait let me explain....apologies...Excellent behavior and mood setting this weekend, but I know its most likely temporary...I really think he is bipolar or just plain narcissistic aggressive...Yes, he does need help. I am going to a marriage counselor, just started, so we aren't sure he will come, but you are right...and thanks for pointing out that just because he puts food on the table doesn't mean I have to take his abuse.

Bless you, and I hope things can work out...I will keep posted.
I'm still not sure what kind of back up plan yet...what did you do?

[coastal77]

Yes I agree very empowering to take back the control Margy!!!!
countryrose, I remember one time driving in a car for a two hour trip while he freaked out and hit my leg all the way home. I think he effected me the rest of my life. Almost like child abuse except it was this relationship that damaged me. After we broke up, I would not stay in a relationship if the guy showed any sign of a temper. I was married for 14 years the first time and now am in my second marriage of 15 years. I recognize that I treat my second husband kind of like I don't care. It hurts me but I can't seem to be vulnerable or I feel that I will lose control. I remember shrinking back against the car door finding to melt out of the car. I look back and wonder in amazement why I let him do that to me and why I took it for even a minute! This guy bought me. I thought it was love. When we would have a fight, he would buy me a new wardrobe etc... You can't let that he provided for you, make you feel guilty enough to take what he dishes out! These guys as margy pointed out, our bullies! Bullies belong in Junior High not in adult relatioships! I look back and every huge incident was something stupid blown way out of context just like the cat stuff in the garage that you described. I say stand firm but be very unemotional. Don't act scared or upset... just the facts. He needs help and you will not tolerate the abuse any longer. The important thing is.... no emotion. He's got to feel you mean it. Do you have family and a back up plan? Really pray about everything and don't ever do anything on impulse. Have a plan and cover all your bases. I'm not suggesting a divorce but I am saying that you have a choice. Though I was physically abused just a few times. Once is too much. The emotional abuse was far worse. Ranting and tantrums. Like the pie crust incident I told you about.... stupid. But became a huge enough deal that I remember it 30 years later. Don't waste your life being ranted at. You deserve better. Keep us posted. We care.  

[countryrose]

I thank you so much. Your advice has been quite helpful. I have to say my jaw dropped when I read that what my husband did was abuse. I have always been a fighter and not let a man get the upper hand, but 7 years ago when i was injured at work and could not work and still cannot on any regular basis, I became very dependant on my spouse and hated it as he let me know everyday how much of a "pain" it was to take care of me and have to do everything.

Back to Coastal's comment, you are soooo right about abuse being abuse regardless if he is bipolar, diabetic or you name it. It doesn't matter does it? The end result is the same...abuse. Thanks for the eye-opener.

As I was saying, my spouse has kept a home and roof over our heads and has done what a responsbile hubby should do, but not without constant complaining and unhappiness and now to the extreme of what I wrote about. 2 years ago, I came down with an undiagnosed leg issue that left my legs weak & useless. I had a terrible time, and to my surprise my husband took care of me and even showed compassion then the 2nd year of the same ailment, my husband returned to his tantrum ways and controlling manner & now getting worse as to what I described earlier.

I am torn in that I have seen a decent side who understandly is going throught the strains of being married to someone who is chronically ill and all that goes with it, but I don't believe I should be a punching bag for his verbal and emotional abuse. I have not sought a divorce in the past becuase of my inability to work. I don't know my rights or options. I also used to be afraid of "failing" at a marriage and what will family think, but I am past that now. I am just afraid of finding out the consequences of divorce as I have seen so many people suffer through messy ones. However, abuse is not the option either. I have walked on eggshells ever since I lost the ability to work as I feel my "power" has gone in this way and my spouse is using it to get what he wants all he has to do is threaten me with divorce or letting our home go into foreclosure, and I give in.
I have endured 4 years of this, and I am weary of it, sick of it.

The ugly things my spouse said to me that I wrote about over inane subjects really killed a spark in me of the love that I had for him and my desire to "work" things out. I lost respect for him and myself. I want to work things out, but his pattern has been so chronic, I don't know if there is hope..and right now I don't like him very much after what he said. I am still bristling.

Sorry for the long note, but I must close on one note from coastal77,

" I remember fighting in the car and looking out the window and seeing other people laughing and having fun and wishing I was in their car. Your description of what happened was unreasonable and had nothing to do with you"

A tear came to my eye when I read this as I have gone through this many a time with my spouse. I always was left in bewilderment as to what the "hell" just happened, why me? My spouse picks moments where he knows I am a his mercy to have his tantrums or bad moods, ie..in the car, long drives, when he's taking me to the doctor or 1 year in my ill state I volunteered our home for Thanksgiving and he agreed to help me out when it came time before guests arrived, he threw a tantrum and refused to help me and told me I had to do it all cause he was sick of having to do things for me and left me high and dry scrambling to reason with him....
He always finds a moment when I need him to pull his tantrum or says he knows how to get somewhere doesn't need directions then when he can't find it, he yells at me to find out how to get there and starts to drive recklessly on road to grab at the map since I can't read it!!! I hate it.

I hope what I have written helps someone else too who is on the fence and not sure if she or he is being abused. Thanks again

[margypops]

It is amazing how when you stand up for your self ,how enpowering it is ,you take back control, and once they see you mean it not only do you feel a surge of self esteem but you find they start to appreciate you again,however do not rest on your Laurels ,sometimes it takes a few goes, to get it into their little' pea brains 'you just are'nt going to take it any more!!Good luck guys

[coastal77]

By the way... let me add my vote. Yes, this is definitely abuse! And if you allow it, he will continue. You do have one thing on your side... the fact that he was remorseful and apologetic after. But that does not excuse his behavior and sometimes is more of a detriment because it allows a pattern to happen... He lashes out... is sorry.... he lashes out... is sorry.... You understand? That happened to me for almost 3 years. I can't tell you how many times. He only actually became physcial two times during our relationship. Once very early on, (It was in the days before Oprah so I thought it was my fault) I had told him that if it ever happened again, I would leave. It was New Years, he asked me to come up on the roof to help him take down the lights. I was making pie crust and told him it would be ruined if I just left it. He started a tantrum so I left the dough. When I got back, it was tough and ruined and I have to admit, I got upset. I was not allowed to get upset in our relationship. He hit me.... for the last time.... I had told me if he ever did, he better make it good because it would be the last time he ever touched me. He did make it good I mean... and I never went back..... I had thought all of that emotional abuse in-between didn't count because it wasn't actual physical abuse.... Believe me honey... ALL of it was abuse. We were engaged by this time and I thought if he treated me like this now, it would only get worse when we were married. He stalked me for a while and then went away. To this day 30 years later, I am still effected. All of my other relationships had nothing to do with my childhood, that relationship was probably the most damaging thing that ever happened to me. Don't allow the abuse... Again... and yes what you described is abuse. You don't need to be hit for it to be. No one deserves to be the subject of someone else's tantrums or bad mood, bipolar, low blood sugar, whatever.

[coastal77]

I have a question... Have you ever noticed if your husband has these tantrums when he has not eaten for a while? I have a friend that said that she could leave her husband in the car for a few minutes while she ran into the store and come out with nothing happening in-between that she could at least figure out and realized over time that he had his episodes due to low blood sugar. She made sure that he never get too hungry when they did their errands and they seemed to be fine. Even if he does have another disorder such as bipolar... it is just a thought... I know that I have low blood sugar and my whole mood can change.
But as a past abuse victim of both emotional and physical from my first boyfriend.... I encourage you to not accept this kind of behavior. I remember fighting in the car and looking out the window and seeing other people laughing and having fun and wishing I was in their car. Your description of what happened was unreasonable and had nothing to do with you. It is not your place to take it. If he does not have Bipolar he definitely has something wrong with him. Controlling you and holding you emotionally hostage by telling you that he will divorce you if you go to a work event is not okay. Margypops gave you the best advice that anyone else could. I read it twice and it was perfect. I loved that she said you have to stand up to a Bully and you must do it without emotion. Don't let him engage you. Don't do it with an attitude. Just a no nonsense approach. Do not let him effect your job. You may need it to support yourself. Do not let him see you questioning yourself. And I would tell him (without emotion) that he will need to get some kind of help because his reactions are unreasonable and you will not stand for more abuse.

[countryrose]

Thank you so much for pointing out how to change my reaction. I always thought I was doing the "brave" and standing up to him by defending myself vehemently, but I somehow would feel very angry afterwards and stressed. Your suggestion of just walking away and saying what I need to calmly is so much more effective and less stressful to me. Yes, thank you for the tipping the scale about my stay for 3 days. I will do that. I didn't realize that by succumbing to that I am enabling his bad bully behavior and losing myself in it. Great advice. You have been so helpful....I appreciate it
I'll keep ya posted how it goes

[margypops]

I definatly think you should go to your event and not be intimidated ,I have some knowledge of how you feel ,you can try to talk to him and make him see that you find it very upsetting when he yells and also when he tries to control your life , if he is the kind of man that will listen and cares for you enough he will realise, that he is wrong .If you let him yell and you do what he wants, you are enabling the controling behavior and it could get worse, come what may you need to stand up and say; I am going" As far as the other incident of the cat stuff if this or something similar happens quietly say I did not do it and walk away do not feed into it go away from him and busy yourself the more you retaliate the more it is feeding it, dont back down tell him it wasnt you frimly then let him Squawk to himself.What I am trying to say in a long -winded way, you have to stand up to a Bully , I have had to do that trust me it works Good luck, let us know how you get on,